I do much couples therapy, and occasionally have had the interesting, if disconcerting, experience where one of the partners is a sociopath, or has significant sociopathic tendencies.
Unsurprisingly, it is always the nonsociopathic partner who is occasionally successful in dragging his or her sociopathic counterpart to counseling. The sociopathic partner, just as predictably, will have no collaborative interest in the relationship’s improvement. However, he or she may be sufficiently selfishly and manipulatively motivated to attend.
For instance, the relationship may offer conveniences the sociopathic partner does not want to see end. The nonsociopathic partner may have reached wit’s end and may really be prepared to end the relationship, arousing the sociopathic partner’s concerns that the gravy-train, as it were, may be over.
This can be the sociopath’s inducement to try to “patch things up with,” to “settle down” the nonsociopathic partner, in order to salvage the perks of the relationship. (The quoted phrases are meant to capture the sociopath’s condescending, self-serving thinking.)
The couples therapy environment provides little cover for the sociopath who, for this reason, will prefer generally to avoid it. The reason that sociopaths fare so poorly in disguising their sociopathy in a couples therapy situation is that, facing an aggrieved partner, the sociopath will struggle, and often fail, to produce responses of convincing sincerity and depth.
In other words, the sociopath’s fundamental defects of empathy and sincerity, in the emotional hotseat of couples counseling, are at risk of being flagrantly unmasked—sooner, typically, than in individual (court-mandated) counseling, where the sociopath, safe from the spontaneous challenges and disclosures of his or her abused partner, can more effectively misrepresent and deceive.
Couples counseling is inadvisable when a partner is a suspected sociopath for several reasons. Among them:
1) The therapist does not want to enable the belief (especially the nonsociopathic partner’s belief) that a nonabusive, honest relationship can possibly evolve with a sociopathic partner.
2) It is inherently humiliating for the nonsociopathic partner to make him or herself vulnerable to a partner whose only capable response to that vulnerability is exploitative. The therapist does not want to collude in this process.
3) There is the risk that the sociopathic partner, who is probably blaming and possibly vengeful, will use his or her partner’s complaints during the session as a basis, after the session, to punish him or her for having had the audacity to expose him or her.
This risk, incidentally, applies to any abusive individual in couples therapy. Narcissists’ abusiveness in this situation will arise most likely from their sense of entitlement—for instance that their partners owe it to them to always make them look, and feel, good (in private and public).
For sociopaths, exposure may be experienced as a sort of defeat: their mask is uncovered; their leverage as an operator—and with it their parasitical lifestyle—is threatened. Their game may be over. They may be mad.
One accidental benefit of stumbling upon a sociopath in couples therapy is the chance it affords the therapist (who recognizes it) to be a professional (and desperately needed) witness for the nonsociopathic partner.
The therapist may be in a position to provide the vulnerable partner, in subsequent individual sessions (after the couples counseling has been appropriately terminated), critical validation, information, and lifesaving support.
All of this presupposes the therapist’s ability to identify the sociopathic partner. When the couples therapist fails to identify that he or she is dealing with a couple in which one of the partners is sociopathic, the ensuing counseling process will undermine all of the nonsociopathic partner’s interests.
In failing to expose the sociopath, the counseling, by definition, will be abetting the sociopath. It will be structured on the false pretense that two reasonable clients are having problems with each other that they’ve co-created, which will not be the case. This false assumption will support the unequal, exploitative playing-field the sociopath has sewn all along.
For this reason—especially if your self-esteem has been battered in a relationship—I encourage you to explore assertively with a prospective therapist the extent of his or her experience with narcissistic and sociopathic personalities. Your inquiry should be met with absolute respect. A defensive response should rule the therapist out, as should vague, general responses, along the lines of, “Well, yes, I’ve worked with these kinds of clients. Is that what you’re asking?”
The answer is “no.” That’s not what you are asking. You are asking for a more substantive response, characterized by the therapist’s interest and patience to discuss in some depth his or her clinical background with the personality-disordered population.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Jen2008,
No problems with your post LOL. It’s the content of what you wrote, not the breaks that is important :)) I was too intrigued by your post to notice!
I have experienced and heard stories like yours before and it breaks my heart. I have even witnessed events like this when I have worked with clients of other colleagues when they are on medical leaves, etc.. Luckily I don’t encounter this too often but to me, once is too often. I recall discussing abuse with one client and when I validated their experience and pain they said, “Wow, you really get it. So and so said that (insert name of abuser) was only doing their best! I don’t think they believed me.” Another client showed extreme reactions and learned behavior from abuse and was riddled with guilt. She said I was the first one to point this out. Discussing and explaining guilt in the aftermath of abuse and how it keeps us stuck from moving forward had a great impact on her. I was happy to give her a wonderful book on guilt and how to be released from feeling responsible for everything.
None of this is to say that I have some great qualities that other therapists don’t have. But it is to say that had I not gone through my own experience I wouldn’t be able to detect things so easily. Not only did I experience abuse in childhood but more recently abuse by a psychopath. The later beign quite different and teaching me about the trauma bonds you mentioned.
However, before my recent experience I never invalidated someone’s experience and even if I didn’t undertsand they were involved with a sociopath, I focused on what kept them stuck and worked with them on ways to heal. It is so disheartening to hear when other therapists don’t do this. Does one really think that once you see the problem that you can just walk away from it? I have always known that with abuse you get caught in the cycle and it’s not easy to get out of it because of the damage done to self-esteem, etc. And the phrase, “if what you say is true”, that was horrid! I’m so sorry she said that to you!
As you said, there are good therapists and bad therapists out there. Just like with those good physicians and bad physicians, etc., it’s a reality but a dangerous one. Jen2008, I am so glad that you recognized that your first therapist was doing more harm than good and moved on. I also want to note that this is the first time I’veheard of having to sign a contract to attend a certain number of sessions. I think that’s a bad sign. There’s something to be said about wanting your clients to commit to the process but signing a contract is not the way I would ever go about it. Nor do I think it’s ethical. Therapy is about client choice and attending a certain number of sessions sounds to me like it’s ensuring that the therapist gets paid a certain amount of money with each client versus ensuring that you commit to the process. Signing a contract doesn’t mean someone will work on anything. It sounds more beneficial to the therapist than the client. I suppose that for anyone that should be recognized as a red flag. Not that you should have known this at all Jen2008. Why would you? But hopefully if anyone reads this post they will now know.
I’m sorry about your experience but very glad to hear your second therapist was truly helpful. I look at therapy very much like teaching. It is extremely helpful to explain everything to clients including how the process works and why. Why I may ask them to do certain homework and why they are experiencing what they’re going through. I guess because I’ve always looked at it this way I have never expected instant change from anyone. The change process is hard and it’s uncomfortable. Therapy is not an easy process. As we know, we can label what we’ve been through but that doesn’t make it easy to leave. Like you said, in their presence you acted like a robot. I did too! I didn’t get it. It freaked me out! I stumbled upon trauma bonds and all myself. As with most of us, I figured out most of it on my own. I understood the cycle of abuse but I did not, at that time, understand why in the world I acted like a robot in his presence!
Luckily, as a therapist, I can use what I’ve learned for the benefit of others. But it’s sad that no one was able to see this to help me either. I suppose being a therapist, myself, helped me because I am never satisfied until I can fully understand the “why” behind things. But like most of have experienced with our friends and family unless someone’s been there themselves it’s hard for them to understand it. This needs to change! As we’re seemingly breeding more sociopaths and psychopaths with our culture now-a-days it need to change fast!
Thanks for your post Jen2008. I hope you’re doing well :))
Reading this reminds me of when i tried to help her, he would ask her questions and she would not answer them, as time went on he told me that i was in for a very long road and this was never going to change, everyone else was stupid, she said he was no good for us that real stable people dont need counseling. Very disturbing.
My ex went into counseling this spring and specifically asked for a counselor that was hard to fool. She gave him some good advice, but he only used it for a few weeks when he was in the mood to try to impress me with his sincerity. He also tried a two week hunger strike, and throwing out all his medication, which could be deadly for him since he has very little kidney function.
How was I strong enough to stand up against all that, but now am mourning and mooning over him again just like in the beginning? His friends say I “threw him away” but I never would… I just knew I could not trust him, such a bad feeling.
Takingmeback.. I am sorry but I don’t see WP as being a mean anti therapist person.. seems like he (she?) said exactly the same thing you have been saying and we all have been saying, that some therapists don’t see them for who they are until they’ve had to deal with one personally.
Dear Kat,
Many times therapy makes them “worse” as they learn the “catch words” and “phrases” and use them to better manipulate their victims. My P-son is quite the “philosopher” and partly I think he is as good as he is is because after my divorce from his bio-father I took the boys to counseling for years and years, and we had a great therapist. I also took them to church on a regular basis so they also learned all the “Christian” philosophy of “forgiveness” etc etc. so he can manipulate with the best of them in many ways, at least he knows the “catch words” and “phrases” to use to manipulate me, and my mother, and his brothers–at least until his brothers and I went NC with him and wouldn’t believe a word he said, even if he said “the sun comes up in the morning and the moon comes up at night”—we would think it was a lie! LOL
They also use therapy to “show you they are trying”–BULL CRAP—it is just another manipulation.
Go around to the north corner of your house and TRY to pick it up. Try HARD, with all your strength. ARe you going to succeed? Of course not, and neither will they succeed by TRYING, because IT CAN’T BE DONE. They are NOT going to change, just find new tactics to convince you they are TRYING. “Trying” never accomplished anything. Doing something accomplishes things.
Very good blog by Dr. Steve, as it points out that couples counseling with S’s is about as useless as…(I apologize in advance for the crude remark) “tits on a boar hog,” as my dad used to say.
Interesting that he writes that couples counseling “provides little cover” for the S, because the S’s defect of a lack of empathy will become readily apparent. Hmmmm… this is true only as long as the S is successfully masking that lack of empathy. Some are adept at it. I was married to my S ex (whom I suspect had a bit of NPD thrown in his mix) for about 2 yrs until the emotional abuse became too much. With my self-esteem battered, I found the strength to leave. He pleaded with me, agreed to go to counseling, blah blah blah….we found ourselves in the office of a gentleman who allegedly had experience in counseling couples with emotional & physical abuse issues. He was about as passive a therapist as one could possibly get. When I described my S’s abusive behaviors and my responses to those behaviors, my hubby would offer up a “stress” or “depression” excuse and successfully divert the session’s focus from US (as a couple) to HIM. He’d point to his depression over erasing his heroic military background as a Navy SEAL- a background that neither the counselor nor I knew at the time was a fabricated identity. And he’d prattle on about what he wanted, needed, expected, etc. from me….our therapist’s reflective approach resulted in him turning his head to me a la a tennis referee and asking, “Melissa, I hear J saying that he needs x, y and z. Can you do this for him?” Oh man, I wanted to scream! I’d usually leave the sessions feeling frustrated, but not knowing how to articulate my observations to the man we entrusted with our marital health. On one level, it illustrates that nobody- not even mental health pros- are immune to being fooled by an S, because we’re all human. On another level, it illustrates how even without the S aspect, some (notice, I said “some”) counselors aren’t adept at addressing abusive behaviors EVEN WHEN they tout it as their specialty. That having been said, there’s obviously good & bad apples in every profession… some that aren’t good or bad, just a little sour. 🙂
When all was said and done, our couples counseling was doomed from the start. My ex wasn’t a normal person, and despite the fact most of his abusive behaviors were out in the open during our sessions (I never had the chance to broach sexual abuse), his S issues and fabricated identity were not. He wasn’t trying, and was feigning empathy as long as he felt it was necessary to secure my compliance. Without rigorous honesty required for effective therapy, the inevitable happened. He reverted to his old self, and I left for good. Divorce final last year.
Lucy/Takingmeback made a good point expectations placed on therapists being able to recognize S’s in their personal lives. Many of us, no matter what our profession, let our guard down in private life and open ourselves up in a way that we’d never do on the job.
My field is law, not mental health. Lord knows, we’ve got our share of power-hungry attorneys and judges, some of whom are S’s! :-O However, like therapists, the clients that seek my assistance are often vulnerable & sometimes they are victims of misbehavior. Some of the clients are probably S’s themselves. Because my profession has trained me to look for certain cues, it’s easier for me to draw boundaries in a professional environment. But like many, I’m human…and empathetic by nature… and when it comes to people that I love, I want to believe the best. That’s why my guard was lower in my private life, so I wasn’t “primed” to look for lies and cues that appear so easily to me in the hearing rooms. Oh, I eventually fielded questions like, “So how could an educated woman like you wind up…?” You know the drill. Part of the problem is that my ex’s behavior didn’t transgress the legal rules in which I was schooled. Granted, I can now see that some things met the legal def of what Ohio calls “sexual imposition” or marital rape (can’t legally rape one’s wife in Ohio as long as you’re living together). But he didn’t use his fists as weapons, thereby invoking the rules governing my field. So I was easy prey… I was, in effect, human. I guess that’s all I’m saying in my long-winded way. We’re all human, regardless of education or profession.
Dr. Steve:
I have only recently begun to heal from a six month marriage to a sociopath who has left my reputation, self-esteem and finances in ruins. Another thing to look for is the Sociopath who says he has individual therapy. He alleges he went to his own therapist so that he could grow…well, he was growing alright…growing insane. After he assaulted me the first time I demanded we attend therapy. He tried to tell the therapist I was a drug addict (apparently experimenting as a teenager makes me an addict 20 years later). The therapist shot him and his comments down immediately and we never went back. I threw him out two weeks later.
I am having a hard time getting assistance from law enforcement (he has a friend at the department where everything took place…no reports were ever filed). If anyone has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it.
Dear Jewellee,
Contratulations of getting the P out of your life! Congratulations on finding Love FRaud. This is a healing place for us! I am so glad that you saw the light before you had been with this monster for years!
Is he still a threat to you? If so, I suggest that you retain an attorney to get a restraining order. But remember it is only a piece of paper and bullets and swords go right though it if it is pasted on your back. Don’t trust him. Hang tough! Keep reading here, find out all you can about sociopaths/psychopaths and how they think and operate.
Good luck! and Welcome.
Hi everyone,
I went into couples therapy with my husband 12 years ago, he had left the family home after been caught out having an affair and geting into financial difficulties, he was also very abusive to me physically and mentally, while away he had continued to visit me and the baby we had together as well as having a string of lovers, he thought this was ok because we were not ‘together’He finally decided after his friend asked him to leave the accomodation and after his car had been repossessed and after I had been offered a place to study law that leaving me was the biggest mistake he had ever made and I was his soulmate, I was lonely and worried about being a single parent so i agreed to give it another go (stupid) as long as he agreed to couple counselling, he said he would try anything and I believed him. When the time came he didnt turn up, I went alone for a few sessions, he finally attended with me and then the counsellor saw him alone. she asked to see me again alone and told me that she didnt normally say this but if I got involved with him again I would end up going mad! She didnt elaborate on this and in the end my husband convinced me everything was ok and that we didnt need the counselling. Oh how I wish I had listened to the counsellor I have had 12 years of hell and have only been able to put a name to it over the last couple of days after my 14 yr old daughter discovered his other life, casual sex dating sites. He has also taken money from my account making me in debt to the bank and increased our joint mortgage without telling me. I have also found out he has taken a life insurance policy on me when I was in hospital recently. He is in debt again and not paying the debt collection companies who he has agreements with, of course he doesnt accept any responsibility and doesnt feel he has done any wrong, he blames me for everything because of the way i treat him. I have now seen the light and realise that i cant fix this relationship. The moral of this tale is take the advise of a counsellor if she tells you to get rid!
To Jewellee,
after 21 years with a sociopath one of the things I have learned is that they dont like to be exposed for what they are. Dont make them mad otherwise they wont leave it, they like to win in any situation, best that you try and walk away from it if you can and if your safe. At least you didnt waste your life with one
good luck and all the best to you in your future
Good morning moraira43: Now that you comprehend what is going on, How are you and your daughter doing?