I do much couples therapy, and occasionally have had the interesting, if disconcerting, experience where one of the partners is a sociopath, or has significant sociopathic tendencies.
Unsurprisingly, it is always the nonsociopathic partner who is occasionally successful in dragging his or her sociopathic counterpart to counseling. The sociopathic partner, just as predictably, will have no collaborative interest in the relationship’s improvement. However, he or she may be sufficiently selfishly and manipulatively motivated to attend.
For instance, the relationship may offer conveniences the sociopathic partner does not want to see end. The nonsociopathic partner may have reached wit’s end and may really be prepared to end the relationship, arousing the sociopathic partner’s concerns that the gravy-train, as it were, may be over.
This can be the sociopath’s inducement to try to “patch things up with,” to “settle down” the nonsociopathic partner, in order to salvage the perks of the relationship. (The quoted phrases are meant to capture the sociopath’s condescending, self-serving thinking.)
The couples therapy environment provides little cover for the sociopath who, for this reason, will prefer generally to avoid it. The reason that sociopaths fare so poorly in disguising their sociopathy in a couples therapy situation is that, facing an aggrieved partner, the sociopath will struggle, and often fail, to produce responses of convincing sincerity and depth.
In other words, the sociopath’s fundamental defects of empathy and sincerity, in the emotional hotseat of couples counseling, are at risk of being flagrantly unmasked—sooner, typically, than in individual (court-mandated) counseling, where the sociopath, safe from the spontaneous challenges and disclosures of his or her abused partner, can more effectively misrepresent and deceive.
Couples counseling is inadvisable when a partner is a suspected sociopath for several reasons. Among them:
1) The therapist does not want to enable the belief (especially the nonsociopathic partner’s belief) that a nonabusive, honest relationship can possibly evolve with a sociopathic partner.
2) It is inherently humiliating for the nonsociopathic partner to make him or herself vulnerable to a partner whose only capable response to that vulnerability is exploitative. The therapist does not want to collude in this process.
3) There is the risk that the sociopathic partner, who is probably blaming and possibly vengeful, will use his or her partner’s complaints during the session as a basis, after the session, to punish him or her for having had the audacity to expose him or her.
This risk, incidentally, applies to any abusive individual in couples therapy. Narcissists’ abusiveness in this situation will arise most likely from their sense of entitlement—for instance that their partners owe it to them to always make them look, and feel, good (in private and public).
For sociopaths, exposure may be experienced as a sort of defeat: their mask is uncovered; their leverage as an operator—and with it their parasitical lifestyle—is threatened. Their game may be over. They may be mad.
One accidental benefit of stumbling upon a sociopath in couples therapy is the chance it affords the therapist (who recognizes it) to be a professional (and desperately needed) witness for the nonsociopathic partner.
The therapist may be in a position to provide the vulnerable partner, in subsequent individual sessions (after the couples counseling has been appropriately terminated), critical validation, information, and lifesaving support.
All of this presupposes the therapist’s ability to identify the sociopathic partner. When the couples therapist fails to identify that he or she is dealing with a couple in which one of the partners is sociopathic, the ensuing counseling process will undermine all of the nonsociopathic partner’s interests.
In failing to expose the sociopath, the counseling, by definition, will be abetting the sociopath. It will be structured on the false pretense that two reasonable clients are having problems with each other that they’ve co-created, which will not be the case. This false assumption will support the unequal, exploitative playing-field the sociopath has sewn all along.
For this reason—especially if your self-esteem has been battered in a relationship—I encourage you to explore assertively with a prospective therapist the extent of his or her experience with narcissistic and sociopathic personalities. Your inquiry should be met with absolute respect. A defensive response should rule the therapist out, as should vague, general responses, along the lines of, “Well, yes, I’ve worked with these kinds of clients. Is that what you’re asking?”
The answer is “no.” That’s not what you are asking. You are asking for a more substantive response, characterized by the therapist’s interest and patience to discuss in some depth his or her clinical background with the personality-disordered population.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
moraira43
Hi wini,
feel more empowered I have been able to talk to my family about it without feeling embarassed. I have covered up for him for years. Now I know its not my fault I can separate myself from his behaviour. He is acting as if nothing has happened today, no sign of any guilt for what was found out yesterday, he says subscribing to the casual dating sites was titillation and he looked but didnt touch. no thought that his daughter saw all the seedy pictures and no acknowledgement that there is a trust issue here after past experience with his infidelity.i have followed everyones advice and have not let him know that I have sussed him. I will need to sort out the financial issues now and most importantly protect my daughter. She has been feeling anxiety about the situation as her world is changed but she is very grounded and will receive lots of support. thanks for your help, I’m so glad I found this website
Ox Drover
Dear Moraira,
Congratulations, you are on your way to healing. You and your daughter both! I am so glad that she is old enough to understand what he is all about and is well grounded!
Just play your cards close to your chest until you are ready to lay them down openly. The less he suspects the better off you will be. Taking him by suprise is going to enrage him, but at the same time, it gives you the best chance of “winning” against him. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. I’m glad you are here at LF, this is a good place to heal!
Stargazer
Moira,
There is a really good article here somewhere on “leaving the sociopath”–how to play it so they lose interest and leave. It’s really worth reading if you’re living with one and trying to get away. I commend you for having the strength to do this and for listening to your daughter.
My mother married an abusive sociopath when I was 7. When I was about your daughter’s age, I started begging her to leave him. I told her I would get a job to help support the family. She didn’t listen. She stayed with him till the day he died, and it really affected my relationship with her, which is pretty non-existent at this point. I think you are modeling strength to your daughter and showing her you love her and yourself. This will be invaluable to her as she goes through life.
Blessings to you both. I’m glad you found this site.
StarG
moraira43
thanks for your comments oxdrover and stargazer, it is really helpful to have people I relate to to open up to. stargazer your comment is really helpful as I know I am doing the right thing for my daughter now, i was always worried about splitting the family up as as a child I was from a broken home and very insecure because of it, another reason i have stayed is because I am so frightened of husbands behaviour if i go. He is extremely calculating and vindictive, but I am older and wiser and I think he knows this now, he doesnt physically abuse me anymore, so I know he had a choice in this and that makes me so angry.
Indigoblue
* I hear you*
He will not change ! He will not do something else ! He will only do it to someone else ! This is His/Hers method of survival !
Ever play chess ? Don’t try this with It ! :)~
What piece is the most valuable ?
King ? For you and me this is true for without the king the game is over !
Take note: For the PSY/SOC It is the Queen ?
Why ?
It ( the Queen) has the furthest reach and the most destructive power ! It ( PSY/SOC ) would’nt percieve Winning the game with anything but the queen ! Follow ?
I feel for all of us !
To know thine enemy is to have Power over It !
Thank you and a group Huge Hug ! ******
Peace Jere
Wini
Indigoblue: Yes, we were check mated before we even met them. Masters of the game of getting what they want in life, never mind bringing out the board and putting the pieces in alignment.
Peace.
Taken for a ride
My ex sp or what ever she is has been a total fraud from day one, i tried to get her help and it did not work, i would move heaven and earth to help her but i have been told by my new counseler that she wont even deal with sp’s even with n c she still try’s shes on match .com with a false adress and a false age, just get away and try to heal, even by telling them that you did backround checks and all the evidence you may have on them they will lie, cheat over and over again. Very sad.
pb
Mine refused to go to counseling with me because he said he needed to deal with his issues over his ex-wife first. I agreed as he was pretty darned angry over her taking half of HIS house after 22 years.
I’m now pretty sure he told my best friend that I WOULDN’T go with him…She kept saying I should be going with him. I tried to explain that he felt he needed to deal with some stuff on his own first, but looking back, I realize that he had already been planting the seeds of doubt in her head.
It’s just like when he was telling me to go spend the night at her place, he’s told everyone that he was actually telling me to move out all those months and I simply refused to go.
I never did go to her place. It was too embarrassing, and she actually had guests a few times. I couldn’t have gone there even if I’d wanted to.
One day he started arguing,”So, you think I’m the problem?”, “You don’t think you need help?” and, “You think you’re normal?”
I answered:
“No. I think you need to deal with some of your own issues though”
“I get along fine with myself and we’re breaking up. If I were in a committed relationship with someone and we were having problems, then yes, I’d go to counseling.”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I am normal – we all have baggage.”
I realize now that he didn’t want me to go to counseling with him because it would be pretty difficult to pull his crap with another person in the room.
I agree that counseling only gives them more skills to manipulate folks with. They don’t actually learn from it except how to be more convincing.
pb
When I think of counseling with a complete wing-nut, I think of this Annie Lennox song:
DARK ROAD
It’s a dark road
and a dark way that leads to my house
and the word says
you’re never gonna find me there, oh no
I’ve got an open door
it didn’t get there by itself
it didn’t get there by itself
There’s a feeling
but you’re not feeling it at all
there’s a meaning
but you’re not listening anymore
I look at that open road
I’m gonna walk there by myself
And if you catch me
I might try to run away
you know I cant be here too long
and if you let me
I might try to make you stay
seems you never realize a good thing
til its gone
Maybe I’m still searching
but I don’t know what it means
all the fires of destruction are still
burning in my dreams
there’s no water that can wash away
this longing to come clean
Hey yea yea
I cant find the joy within my soul
its just sadness taking hold
I wanna come in from the cold
and make myself renewed again
it takes strength to live this way
the same old madness every day
I wanna kick these blues away
I want to learn to live again
It’s a dark road
and a dark way that leads to my house
and the word says
you’re never gonna find me there oh no
I’ve got an open door
it didn’t get there by itself
it didn’t get there by itself
Happy New Year to all – I’m looking forward to it now!
PleasedSociopath
PB I really have to aggree with you here. I spent a large portion of my young life in therapy, seeing many different professionals. 5-15 years old. This left me with so any different skills and lessons to use later in life. Since then I have never had a problem walking through couples therapy, manipulating the situation to my liking. As I pretty much know what a professional is looking for, and what they want to hear. Thats the crazy part about all of this, the only option it to cut loose and free yourself. There is no changing them, and there is no recovery. We as humans have FAITH and HOPE that someone will change, and have the ability to forgive and forget. Those same things are what a sociopath relies on to survive. Very interesting read.