I do much couples therapy, and occasionally have had the interesting, if disconcerting, experience where one of the partners is a sociopath, or has significant sociopathic tendencies.
Unsurprisingly, it is always the nonsociopathic partner who is occasionally successful in dragging his or her sociopathic counterpart to counseling. The sociopathic partner, just as predictably, will have no collaborative interest in the relationship’s improvement. However, he or she may be sufficiently selfishly and manipulatively motivated to attend.
For instance, the relationship may offer conveniences the sociopathic partner does not want to see end. The nonsociopathic partner may have reached wit’s end and may really be prepared to end the relationship, arousing the sociopathic partner’s concerns that the gravy-train, as it were, may be over.
This can be the sociopath’s inducement to try to “patch things up with,” to “settle down” the nonsociopathic partner, in order to salvage the perks of the relationship. (The quoted phrases are meant to capture the sociopath’s condescending, self-serving thinking.)
The couples therapy environment provides little cover for the sociopath who, for this reason, will prefer generally to avoid it. The reason that sociopaths fare so poorly in disguising their sociopathy in a couples therapy situation is that, facing an aggrieved partner, the sociopath will struggle, and often fail, to produce responses of convincing sincerity and depth.
In other words, the sociopath’s fundamental defects of empathy and sincerity, in the emotional hotseat of couples counseling, are at risk of being flagrantly unmasked—sooner, typically, than in individual (court-mandated) counseling, where the sociopath, safe from the spontaneous challenges and disclosures of his or her abused partner, can more effectively misrepresent and deceive.
Couples counseling is inadvisable when a partner is a suspected sociopath for several reasons. Among them:
1) The therapist does not want to enable the belief (especially the nonsociopathic partner’s belief) that a nonabusive, honest relationship can possibly evolve with a sociopathic partner.
2) It is inherently humiliating for the nonsociopathic partner to make him or herself vulnerable to a partner whose only capable response to that vulnerability is exploitative. The therapist does not want to collude in this process.
3) There is the risk that the sociopathic partner, who is probably blaming and possibly vengeful, will use his or her partner’s complaints during the session as a basis, after the session, to punish him or her for having had the audacity to expose him or her.
This risk, incidentally, applies to any abusive individual in couples therapy. Narcissists’ abusiveness in this situation will arise most likely from their sense of entitlement—for instance that their partners owe it to them to always make them look, and feel, good (in private and public).
For sociopaths, exposure may be experienced as a sort of defeat: their mask is uncovered; their leverage as an operator—and with it their parasitical lifestyle—is threatened. Their game may be over. They may be mad.
One accidental benefit of stumbling upon a sociopath in couples therapy is the chance it affords the therapist (who recognizes it) to be a professional (and desperately needed) witness for the nonsociopathic partner.
The therapist may be in a position to provide the vulnerable partner, in subsequent individual sessions (after the couples counseling has been appropriately terminated), critical validation, information, and lifesaving support.
All of this presupposes the therapist’s ability to identify the sociopathic partner. When the couples therapist fails to identify that he or she is dealing with a couple in which one of the partners is sociopathic, the ensuing counseling process will undermine all of the nonsociopathic partner’s interests.
In failing to expose the sociopath, the counseling, by definition, will be abetting the sociopath. It will be structured on the false pretense that two reasonable clients are having problems with each other that they’ve co-created, which will not be the case. This false assumption will support the unequal, exploitative playing-field the sociopath has sewn all along.
For this reason—especially if your self-esteem has been battered in a relationship—I encourage you to explore assertively with a prospective therapist the extent of his or her experience with narcissistic and sociopathic personalities. Your inquiry should be met with absolute respect. A defensive response should rule the therapist out, as should vague, general responses, along the lines of, “Well, yes, I’ve worked with these kinds of clients. Is that what you’re asking?”
The answer is “no.” That’s not what you are asking. You are asking for a more substantive response, characterized by the therapist’s interest and patience to discuss in some depth his or her clinical background with the personality-disordered population.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
PeasedSociopath: Since you’ve were in counseling from the ages of 5-15, who in your life insisted you go to a counselor? Can you elaborate on the concerns that you needed to speak with a therapist?
Wini, I was forced to deal with a bad divorce, and unstable mother early in my childhood. It was mostly other therapists suggestions that they have me evaluated, and at that point I was acting out, probably to get attention I diddnt feel I was getting. I dont remember much about it but they felt they had to keep me, for around 6 months, at which point I was made to believe something was wrong with me. Something probably was, but to get out of there I had to learn how to trick and decieve the counslors and therapists or whoever the multitudes of people I was forced to meet with. That is where I learned the most I would say. I was also suicidal, but never acted on anyof those feelings, also another trait of the sociopath.
PleasedSociopath: So you turned off your emotions due to what your mother was doing to you? If you don’t mind me asking, what did your mother do to you that you found so repulsive or NOT normal.
What was your father like?
Why did your parents divorce?
Do you have siblings?
Dr Winibago
The Reality Check Here From a Scientific Stand point is that I don’t have any Beer or Cigarrettss and someone Has to go get them for Me :)~LOVE JJ
Ah yes, couples therapy…
My N initially resisted the idea of counseling, saying he needed to get help for his drinking. Crafty! In admitting to one problem he diverted my attention from another by claiming them as one and the same, and managed to look as if he were sincerely revealing some sort of vulnerability at the same time.
He had attended counseling alone when his wife left and said that it was “really good” for him, but he said he needed to “clear his head” (sober up) before going back to counseling, “alone at first”, to deal with his anger over his wife. I, having no experience with S/P/N’s or boozers, foolishly bought into the alcoholic package, and he did need to deal with those issues.
Meanwhile, he had begun to spy on me, go home and read my journals while we were visiting the neighbor and come back to yell at me about guys I dated years before him while standing in the neighbors living room, calling me ten times a day or dropping in in the middle of the workday – supposedly because he loved me (if I said anything, I was accused of being ungrateful). He demanded that I show him photos in my camera from a family funeral in PA – as if I would have an affair while at a funeral and then keep pictures! He ran me out of the house a number of nights and I would sleep in my truck or the neighbors sauna (he doesn’t actually live at that house – it’s a spare).
Unknown to me N started telling people that I had screwed the neighbor in his hot tub, that he had been telling me to move (not just get out for the night) but that I wouldn’t leave, and that I wouldn’t attend counseling with him – he had to go alone. He established his position as victim for future use, with my best friend, our co-workers, and his family (we all work in the same business).
All of this happened over a six month period. By this time he had become unbearable to be around most nights. He pulled a couple of more scenes in front of the neighbor (they loved drinking together). Neighbor was probably the only person who saw N in action as he and my best friend were the only people who visited with us.
He came home one day, a few sessions into his counseling, and said that he realized he had me “trapped” and he didn’t want me to feel that way. “It’s about time I listened” (he knew things were getting tense and decided to throw me a bone). We agreed that I needed to return to work when his daughter wasn’t there and put some money away “The next time I’m a jerk, you’ll have some money if you have to leave” (like it’s easy to get bi-weekly work). And then he would tell me he wants me to stay and would beg for time to deal with things. It was crazy. Things would change weekly; sometimes daily.
I moved what little I had unpacked downstairs to give him some space while he started counseling, and he told my best friend I was “unpacking” (I didn’t realize he was telling people I refused to leave). “So”, she said as he handed me the phone. They had been talking for a bit. “He tells me you’re unpacking.”
“No” I said, “I’m just moving what is unpacked downstairs to give him some space while he figures out what he wants to do.” I didn’t catch the tone of her remark, but noticed the way he presented things to her.
There was no way he was ever going to attend counseling with me. He would never be able to pull it off with a third party in the room.
He’s now been in court ordered counseling since last April. I went to see his PO at one point last June. I didn’t yet realize he was an N, but I knew he was trying to pull a fast one and said as much.
When I told the PO that I had begun to smoke a lot of weed because I was so stressed out living with him and his drunken, controlling, abuse, the PO mentioned that N had told him I was a pothead who smoked massive amounts of weed. “Yes, I wasn’t smoking what he claims, but I did ask him to stop buying it and he refused saying he’d bought it for himself. He hardly smokes the stuff. He didn’t want me to stop smoking because he would have to face his alcoholism.” So, I know what his game was there. I’m glad I volunteered that info.
I never did get to unpack while I lived there.
In December N admitted he’s “been in enough counseling now to know [he is] an abusive piece of sh*t…a monster”, and I just “need to deal with it” – just like that. “Someone poked the bear and you just happened to come along at the wrong time.”
I still can’t figure out what the benefit was to him in admitting to me that he’s abusive – a monster even.
Was he just tired of hearing me wonder aloud as to how he could hurt me and not care, or how his actions and words didn’t add up? I had lost and found 20 pounds twice…
I don’t believe he cares beyond making himself feel good for appearing to care. He may have been feeling generous. Or perhaps he knew I couldn’t go any further without understanding; but that would mean he cared, wouldn’t it?
“Are you being sarcastic?” I asked. I was shocked and shaking.
“No” he looked at me as he smoked, “I’m being truthful…I’m an abusive piece of sh*t.”
“And you don’t aspire to anything different?”
“Nope, not at all. It’s what I am.”
“Wow”
I’m tending to think he was just tired of me trying to figure it out. I had asked him something; trying to make sense of his nonsense, his response was “Aren’t you in counseling? Haven’t they told you? Haven’t you figured it out yet?”
Unfortunately, I scratched my alcoholic and found a Narcissist underneath.
pb,
If your N is anything like mine, I would guess that he finally admitted it either as a last desperate move in the game to keep you, or else because he knew the game was over and wanted to gloat about how much he’d gotten away with.
I hope you turn your back and never give him another thought. He does not deserve any space in your head. Save the space for good thoughts and good people.
Best of luck to you!
pb:
Personally, I’m astonished that your ex went into counselling. When I was deluded enough to think there was hope for S, I got him 6 different referrals to various therapists. I suggested couple’s counselling.
When he knew I was at wits’ end with him, THEN he’d make noises about “you’re right. I need to go into counselling.” Totally self-serving to keep my financial taps running.
The night I drove him off he let me know exactly what his view of therapy was — that one of his exes had insisted he go to one of the programs I had gotten him a referral to and he’d gotten nothing out of it. Also, that apparently my answer for everything could be summed up in a word “therapy.”
Personally, I think they are untreatable and have zero interest in changing.
Based on what you said, I don’t think he was tired of you trying to figure it out. Matter of fact, the more energy you put into it, the greater his jollies.
No, I think he took the tack he took with you to force YOU into making the decision to leave because there was nothing left in the relationship for him and he wanted to come out looking like you were the baddie in all this.
Matt:
First off, when he and I started dating his wife had supposedly been gone for months. I found out later that she had only been gone weeks. I’m pretty sure he went to counseling, maybe twice, just to vent his anger. He’s prone to snapping and he’s still mad as all get out at his ex-wife, even today. He claimed he had been depressed about the way she took advantage of him, but he more than likely went for a couple of rants to keep from losing it at work or somewhere equally inappropriate (he’s a bubbling angry cauldron at the best of times – even when smiling at you).
He didn’t go after we began dating.
The day he came home and said he had me “trapped” was actually the first day of counseling – I was wrong there. To my knowledge he only went for four or five visits and was pissed because after the first visit they wanted to talk about his ex-wife instead of me. I laughed at that. He said, “I don’t understand why they want to talk about her. I’m not having a problem with her.” A few weeks later he snapped.
And you’re probably right, he knew it was the only way. He had been investing a considerable amount of energy in sister #2 and I was becoming a problem or a headache. I ask too many questions and it wasn’t any fun anymore – HAHA.
I don’t know what his counseling sessions are like now, and his probation is up at the end of April. He seems to know what he is to some degree and doesn’t care. It could just be lip service.
I believe he is escalating. I left my phone #’s with sister #1 for future reference.
Oh! Matt,
How rude of me!
I hope it’s a nice single malt you’re sipping as you step into a new era.
Apologies and congratulations all at once.
My husband and I went to one session and that was it. After we left he said, “do you think I want to sit there and get beat up?” He does not think there is a problem with him so really it is no point to go to therapy.
Tonight he did call to get the baby and I asked if he was still not talking to me because of me emailing his friends about his cheating ways and he said he isn’t talking to me because I “am mean”!!!!!
That is so crazy. I am mean because I told his friends that he cheated and got a woman pregnant 2 months after we had our daughter. I don’t know how he lives with himself.
Matt I hope you are doing well.