The “sociopath,” boiled down, is someone who routinely does, and takes, what he wants, unconcerned with the impact of his behavior on others. Nothing in my mind defines his essence more than this concise, factual description. He is rather unique, and thus diagnosable as a sociopath, to this precise extent.
Sure, we’ve discussed this before, but it always merits, in my view, fresh reconsideration. And so let me add, I think, an important caveat: The sociopath doesn’t necessarily feel he has the “right” to what he’s pursuing, or planning to take.
Rather, he doesn’t feel he needs the right. He just needs the want.
Simply wanting what he wants, with or without the right to it, meets his standard for laying claim to his quarry.
Because after all, you may ask the sociopath, “Did you have a ”˜right’ to take that? To steal it?” And he may answer, with intellectual honesty, “No. I realize, intellectually, that I had no right to what I took.”
Which gets to the nub, the essence, of his condition: His” right” to what he wanted wasn’t relevant, didn’t even enter his thinking; rather, his wanting it was the sole factor necessary to support his comfortable, non-conflictual pursuit of it.
To sum up, the sociopath’s disordered essence is captured best in his pattern of taking, without remorse, what intellectually he may very well know doesn’t belong to him—he has no right to it—yet he takes it anyway.
To be clear: when I say that the sociopath intellectually can understand he may lack the “right” to what he’s taking, I’m not suggesting that he lacks a sense of entitlement. Quite the contrary: his sense of entitlement is all the more astounding for his intellectual awareness that he may lack the “right” to what he wants, yet still takes it. In doing so, he is exhibiting self-entitlement, and attitudes of contempt, in their gaudiest, most audacious forms.
One always must beware of oversimplifying complicated concepts. The sociopath’s disorder is complex on many levels. Yet on some levels the sociopath’s mentality isn’t so complicated at all. In some respects it’s pretty simple.
In this article I suggest the sociopath is, essentially, that strange, disconcerting, disruptive individual with a history, and pattern, of taking from others what doesn’t belong to him with an impoverished sense of shame and remorse. When you confront an individual with this history and pattern, you are dealing with a sociopath.
What he takes, and even how he takes it, are less relevant considerations that that he takes, with no right.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Steve, A very precise and concise description of the psychopath, and it get “all” of them to a “tee”—though they are on different levels of what they are willing to do, from the guy eating the last piece of cake, knowing you haven’t had any, to the serial killer and every psychopath in between.
The simple concept of they WANT SOMETHING, therefore they TAKE something.
How simple and understandable is that! TOWANDA!!!!!
So true Steve, that it is simple and complicated at the same time. The psychopath knows he has no right to the object he is taking, but he feels he has the right to take it. Where does that right come from? “Because I CAN”.
The logic is convoluted, and spathological.
They mistake taking something for earning something. To them there is no difference. All that matters is that they took steps to acquire it and they succeeded.
It goes toward the shallowness of their understanding of language. Taking and earning have the same “feeling” to them, because both actions result in acquiring. If earning something entitles them to it, then why doesn’t taking also entitle them? This is the logic of a small child, and it’s based on lack of depth in understanding.
How sad to live life so lacking in depth of understanding. It precludes any possibility for ever finding meaning in life.
Steve – a great way to distill the disorder. Thanks!
Perhaps even more simply does what he wants without consideration of impact.
A little different take on the same logic:
I used to make excuses for my husband, that he did hurtful things b/c he was unaware of the outcome, that he hadn’t thought through the outcome to another person.
One day, I found out he was going to do something that would hurt me greatly. I pleaded with him to not do it, argued with perfect logic that it was immoral and cruel. I told him “don’t do this. it will harm me.” and he admitted he knew it was WRONG and that yes, it would harm me, but he was going to do it anyway. ANd he would NOT tell me the reason WHY. (I knew why, it was b/c he was going to gain someone’s indebtedness to him. He LOVES having power over others.)
He intellectually knew he was wrong. But that wasn’t what mattered. Like Skyler says, he did it b/c he could. B/c his soul is so lost that he could do such harm to the one he claimed was his best advocate and truest love.
What mattered more was “WINNING!”.
STEVE,
What an easy to understand explanation for the bizarre behavior they display.
The shore house is being sold- at quite a loss due to the market and his negligence – he never heated the house for the winter or shut off the water . So the pipes broke and virtually ruined the whole downstairs. So we are losing half of what he paid 6 years ago. Does he care ? – No. Would he make the repairs to generate another $40,000.00 on the sale – NO.
I couldn’t understand this but now I think I know why.
The preliminary closing statements are being calculated and nothing will come from the sale of this property – He has 4 liens that have come to light and there are two more yet to be calculated in.
The one asset we had for our children’s future – and mine – he bankrupted it deliberately. He had to KNOW the liens would be satisfied before I got even a dime.
Yet- he denies himself nothing he wants while not paying his own bills. He goes to a shop for a shave because it feels good, stops for gourmet cupcakes at $2.75 each 3 or 4 times a week . He eats out 3 to 4 times for dinner per week and I am sure there are breakfasts and lunches in there too.
And he does these things while our son is with him – and son feels bad his dad has it rough – even though our son goes without because dad isn’t paying support regularly.
This man has taken what didn’t belong solely to him and continues to devastate our family. He will wind up with his debts paid , move in with the OW and all the while he sinks me financially .I’m not even sure if me and the kids will be able to get another house to live in.
Katydid said : “B/c his soul is so lost that he could do such harm to the one he claimed was his best advocate and truest love.”
He used to say what a good wife I was- that he trusted only me. – trusted me to be a fool I guess.
Dear Newlife,
Thanks for checking in with the updates on your situation. I am so sorry you are experiencing this and sorry too that your son is falling for the “pity ploy” that your x is giving out.
He doesn’t even care that he is “cutting off his nose to spite his face” in neglecting the house, anything he can do to hurt you is okay, even when it hurts himself and his children as well. How SICK!
God bless NewLife ((hugs)))
Thanks so much for your thoughts , Oxy. I always check in and read – just don’t post too often because it’s the same poop over and over -gets redundant for me after awhile.
But I’m still learning by staying on the site !!!
You are right – he’ll do anything to hurt me even now – he knew I loved the place for my kids – even though it was purchased by him through his business to shelter money from taxes.
The kids enjoyed some weekends and day trips there- even though it was usually the 3 of us only. And I took care of the place like a little diamond cottage – cleaned before we left every time so when we went back – it was all fun.
And my son – it was a haven for him- my daughter not so much as she was getting older.
So sad, Oxy – really sad. We could have been OK financially – but he couldn’t control his need for money , power and looking successful. So he borrowed from Peter to pay Paul to the point our primary residence would now be a short sale – no equity at all – and only a few years ago it was paid off.
Is there any justice for him – I fear not.
Dear Newlife,
Oh, yes, there WILL BE JUSTICE FOR HIM. It may not be immediate (the way we would of course like!) but it will be there because in this economy he is not going to be able to continue to life like a king on other people’s money, it will come crashing down on him financially you can count on that. It may be years before it happens, but it WILL.
I realize that may not be much consolation to you now, but we have to accept what we can’t change and become wise enough to know which things we cannot effect change in. Even now, it is still difficult for me to ACCEPT that I can’t get my egg donor to see the TRUTH about my P son and get her to STOP sending him money! Even though most of the time I have reached that “nirvana of indifference” with her, there are still times that DESIRE TO CHANGE SOMETHING I CAN’T CHANGE creeps in.
It was disconcerting to me to realize that Healing was not a “one and done” event….that it was a continuing process….I wanted to “heal” and BE DONE with it, but unfortunately it doesn’t work like that (at least for me) so I must continue to keep myself from being enraged at the things she continues to do that are just so STOOOPID! So counter productive to HER OWN WELL BEING. To the well being of myself and those I love. It just doesn’t “make sense” to me, yet it is TRUE.
I share your frustration and I know others here do to. It is I think that SHARING here that gives us all more strength. Thanks for updating us and for sharing! (((hugs)))
OMG! I feel like someone was reading my mind when I read Steve’s article. I have waivered in and out for the past 5 years wondering if I was really married to a sociopath because my ex was “perfect” for 20 years then seemed to go off the “deep end” financially ruining us with his gambling and his entitlement to what he took for himself with disregard for his family.
Newlife: You stated that your husband was gonna do something even though he knew how much it would hurt you…that same thing happened to ME!!
I don’t know if any of you readers of LF were /are in a relationship with a gambler but I would like to hear your stories if you were. Also, if anyone can give me some literature to read on sociopaths who are compulsive gamblers I would really appreciate it.