The “sociopath,” boiled down, is someone who routinely does, and takes, what he wants, unconcerned with the impact of his behavior on others. Nothing in my mind defines his essence more than this concise, factual description. He is rather unique, and thus diagnosable as a sociopath, to this precise extent.
Sure, we’ve discussed this before, but it always merits, in my view, fresh reconsideration. And so let me add, I think, an important caveat: The sociopath doesn’t necessarily feel he has the “right” to what he’s pursuing, or planning to take.
Rather, he doesn’t feel he needs the right. He just needs the want.
Simply wanting what he wants, with or without the right to it, meets his standard for laying claim to his quarry.
Because after all, you may ask the sociopath, “Did you have a ”˜right’ to take that? To steal it?” And he may answer, with intellectual honesty, “No. I realize, intellectually, that I had no right to what I took.”
Which gets to the nub, the essence, of his condition: His” right” to what he wanted wasn’t relevant, didn’t even enter his thinking; rather, his wanting it was the sole factor necessary to support his comfortable, non-conflictual pursuit of it.
To sum up, the sociopath’s disordered essence is captured best in his pattern of taking, without remorse, what intellectually he may very well know doesn’t belong to him—he has no right to it—yet he takes it anyway.
To be clear: when I say that the sociopath intellectually can understand he may lack the “right” to what he’s taking, I’m not suggesting that he lacks a sense of entitlement. Quite the contrary: his sense of entitlement is all the more astounding for his intellectual awareness that he may lack the “right” to what he wants, yet still takes it. In doing so, he is exhibiting self-entitlement, and attitudes of contempt, in their gaudiest, most audacious forms.
One always must beware of oversimplifying complicated concepts. The sociopath’s disorder is complex on many levels. Yet on some levels the sociopath’s mentality isn’t so complicated at all. In some respects it’s pretty simple.
In this article I suggest the sociopath is, essentially, that strange, disconcerting, disruptive individual with a history, and pattern, of taking from others what doesn’t belong to him with an impoverished sense of shame and remorse. When you confront an individual with this history and pattern, you are dealing with a sociopath.
What he takes, and even how he takes it, are less relevant considerations that that he takes, with no right.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Circus:
Since you’re an “undergrad student majoring in psychology,” and doing research at this site, are we to believe that you are far more qualified to identify and/or label the people who have destroyed our lives and the lives of everyone they’ve touched?
Although I have not posted here previously, I have been reading here religiously…and I find most people who post here are trying to make sense of someone or something that, otherwise, would make no sense at all. The article that we are all supposedly commenting on now, makes tremendous sense to me.
I am almost five months into a “Who The Bleep Did I Marry?” life-changing event. And now that I know most of what I never knew before, I also know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no one—NO ONE—does what my husband has done to so many trusting, innocent victims (including me) unless that person is an extremely sick individual.
Did he kill? No, not unless you include the death of hundreds of dreams, retirement accounts, and comfortable lifestyles. Did he steal, con and defraud? Yes, everyone he could, including me. And, yet, this same person wrote beautiful, loving poetry to me, brought me flowers on a regular basis, loved showering me and family members with expensive gifts…and successfully hid his criminal past, all the while using me (as well as others), my reputation, my credit and my contacts to establish and perpetuate his latest scam.
I now know that this latest scheme was his third and largest to date: more than 100 victims and approximately 22 million dollars. And he slept well at night! (Well, until shortly before the end, anyway…just before the early morning raid on our home that resulted in him being taken away in handcuffs as I stood staring and shaking in shock and disbelief!)
Shortly after this arrest, I discovered that I had been living with a “Jekell and Hyde,” a true sociopath, although I have also used the PC terminology “anti-social behavior disorder” so that no one will mistakenly believe that I think he fits into the same category as a serial killer. If anything, I was so very touched to believe that my husband was an “emotional softie,” as I witnessed his eyes welling-up with tears during the media coverage of Japan’s tsunami and our country’s devastating tornadoes earlier this year.
When did I suspect that there was something wrong with his behavior? Not until very shortly before the feds dragged him away in handcuffs. And only because one of my closest, dearest friends (who is chronically ill) kept me in the loop and I became a true “nag” in an attempt to find out why he wasn’t returning monies when he said he was/had already done so in most cases. I was going crazy as an advocate for my friends (who trusted him because they trusted me) and when, near the end, I broke down in frustration, he came to me and put him arms around me only because he knew it was expected of him and, instead of reassuring comfort, I felt the arms of a totally detached individual. Afterward, I was left with feelings of: “What was that?” “Who was that?” “What is really happening here?”
Now, before you also judge my appraisal of my situation, you should know that this isn’t the first time I’ve been down the disappointment road. It’s just a worse road and many more people have been hurt or destroyed this time. Two decades ago, I divorced a pathological liar, narcissist, and serial womanizer. I never labeled my ex-husband a sociopath, but my therapist at that time did. I’d never even heard the term before then. But I thought when I came out of that situation that I’d never be fooled again. How wrong I was…
No one was more careful than me when it came to protecting myself in new relationships. No one was more astute than me in the realization that former President Clinton DID “have sex with that woman…Miss Lewinsky” when he shook his finger at the camera those many years ago. (That infamous deposition video may be one that you’ve reviewed during your research on the traits of serial liars.) And, surprisingly, no one was more reeled-in than me by a con man of the highest order—hook, line, and sinker.
I firmly believed that my eyes were wide open when I met my husband six years ago. Almost from the moment we met, I became enamored with a brilliant, interesting, amusing, unassuming, romantic and loving man. I thought that I’d hit the “love jackpot” and didn’t understand why such a great guy was even available. But, I reasoned, I’m available and I’m a great gal—and, amazingly, we have such similar backgrounds—so count yourself lucky and enjoy life! (In fact, he fabricated almost his entire background and made sure it was an extremely successful and impressive one, too.)
We became engaged within seven months of our first date and, just before we married one year later, he informed me that he was worth between $15-18 million. Of course, when he told me what “he” was worth, he didn’t mention that $3 million of that figure was property purchased with my credit rating half-way through our engagement period. Nor that the rest of his “net worth” came from equities and properties purchased with other people’s money.
Today, of course, I realize that the really, really good sociopaths are the most unassuming, laid-back, trusting individuals that any of us would ever want to meet.
After pleading guilty to money laundering, mail fraud and illegal use of funds, my husband is in a holding cell awaiting final sentencing by a federal judge. It’s his third offense, so I suspect that he could end-up residing alongside Bernie Madoff when he is moved to his newest federal “home” by year-end.
I don’t mean to minimize anyone’s contributions on this blog, but this is supposed to be a safe place where people can share their thoughts, their grief, their frustrations, their fears…as well as their hopes for healing and moving into a better life that will also make sense at some point. Personally, I have been plagued with the question: “What in God’s name was the last six years supposed to mean?”
The day my husband was taken from our home by no less than four or five federal agents (I was too numb to count!), he knew that he was leaving me with a horrific mess to clean up. I didn’t know it; but he certainly did. I have gone through more than half of my personal retirement funds, just to clean up expensive messes that were not of my making but, unfortunately, many of them have/had my name and social security number attached to them. I even need to be responsible for all of his business and personal files because we filed joint income tax returns for two years and IRS audits are surely in my future.
And the last thing he said to me six weeks ago when I told him that I couldn’t talk to him again because I had to stay focused so that I could clean up his messes and not go crazy and/or lose myself in the process?
“I’m so sorry. I love you. I will always love you.”
If I hadn’t heard those same words two decades ago, I might have clung to them and prayed for a different ending. But I learned long ago that words must match behavior in healthy relationships. Only a sick individual would do what my husband did to me–the person who was supposed to be the most important person in his life–and still proclaim everlasting love.
Thankfully, I’m an optimistic person, so I know that I will heal and, sometime in the future, I will trust and love again. But, next time, I’ll be the one to run a criminal background check. (Yes, believe it or not, he really did run a check on me and I never thought to run one on him. Even my adult kids would say: “My bad!”)
Please use my comments for what they’re worth in your research role, but remember that those individuals whom you eventually intend to help are also connected to those individuals whose lives have been destroyed by them.
Therapy begins at home…
Yes I know, however I’m sincerely curriouse.
I know why I’m here. Dancing I’m sure you know why your here.
I would like to know why Circus is here.
2Time… psychopaths often like to troll LF to ruffle the feathers of posters here. My advice : do not try to reason with a psychopath. You deal with them here the same way you deal with them in real life- you ignore them. Why? Because by giving the P ANY KIND OF ATTENTION you are feeding them.
coping-
He is here because he enjoys toying with LF members and attempting to invalidate them any chance he gets. The sadistic thrill. Most of us are onto him however, so he appears to be foaming at the mouth for any bit of supply he can get. If he does answer your question- he will likely reply that he’s here for the same reasons as anyone else. Or that he’s just engaging in some “friendly” debate ( although he said the other day that he “wasn’t coming back” and yet here he is again. Just couldn’t resist going in for another meal. Lack of impulse control is evident) You’re just going to get another lie.
Dancing-
My questions to circus stem from the basics”
Per 2Time-“Please use my comments for what they’re worth in your research role, but remember that those individuals whom you eventually intend to help are also connected to those individuals whose lives have been destroyed by them.”
If circus is for real the above quote is one of the most important ones to remember. This is why we are essencially here
Yeah dancing- guess your right. Thats me again going against my gut trying to make sence of something.
The inability to answer a direct question says it all. WTF!
Circus, in one breath, has accused us all of having no conscience and of being sociopaths while simultaneously berating us for “diagnosing” others as sociopaths. That’s like chomping on a big fat Oreo cookie while telling everyone in the room that they are cookie monsters.
Don’t even ask it questions, Coping. I’m so done with arguing with spaths. I’d rather go lick the walls of my apartment until the paint starts coming off. After what you’ve been through, I am sure you feel the same way. Don’t buy into this at all. It’s just word salad covering projection masking itself as insight stemming from emptiness. Yuck. We’ve all been there. That’s not what LF is for.
Grey rock?
OMG I am late on this train. I just went through comments on lots of recent posts. All I can say is AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHH!!!!!!
Talk about OBVIOUS!!!! Ehehehehehhe.
Okay….deep breath…
Coping, I also noticed that something happened with you recently. I cannot find the original comment where you mention what happened. I hope you are doing okay. Here is an (((astral hug)))
Trying to understand some people is like trying to smell the color 7.
🙂
Dear 2-timesurvivor,
Welcome to lovefraud, glad you are here….sorry you have a need to be here, but glad that you are learning and growing and healing.
Interacting with argumentative people is a losing proposition, as I am sure you have found out dealing with your Own personal psychopath.
Glad you are here, though, and again, welcome! God bless.
ErinBrock, I can smell shiat when I SEE it! LOL “Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?”