The “sociopath,” boiled down, is someone who routinely does, and takes, what he wants, unconcerned with the impact of his behavior on others. Nothing in my mind defines his essence more than this concise, factual description. He is rather unique, and thus diagnosable as a sociopath, to this precise extent.
Sure, we’ve discussed this before, but it always merits, in my view, fresh reconsideration. And so let me add, I think, an important caveat: The sociopath doesn’t necessarily feel he has the “right” to what he’s pursuing, or planning to take.
Rather, he doesn’t feel he needs the right. He just needs the want.
Simply wanting what he wants, with or without the right to it, meets his standard for laying claim to his quarry.
Because after all, you may ask the sociopath, “Did you have a ”˜right’ to take that? To steal it?” And he may answer, with intellectual honesty, “No. I realize, intellectually, that I had no right to what I took.”
Which gets to the nub, the essence, of his condition: His” right” to what he wanted wasn’t relevant, didn’t even enter his thinking; rather, his wanting it was the sole factor necessary to support his comfortable, non-conflictual pursuit of it.
To sum up, the sociopath’s disordered essence is captured best in his pattern of taking, without remorse, what intellectually he may very well know doesn’t belong to him—he has no right to it—yet he takes it anyway.
To be clear: when I say that the sociopath intellectually can understand he may lack the “right” to what he’s taking, I’m not suggesting that he lacks a sense of entitlement. Quite the contrary: his sense of entitlement is all the more astounding for his intellectual awareness that he may lack the “right” to what he wants, yet still takes it. In doing so, he is exhibiting self-entitlement, and attitudes of contempt, in their gaudiest, most audacious forms.
One always must beware of oversimplifying complicated concepts. The sociopath’s disorder is complex on many levels. Yet on some levels the sociopath’s mentality isn’t so complicated at all. In some respects it’s pretty simple.
In this article I suggest the sociopath is, essentially, that strange, disconcerting, disruptive individual with a history, and pattern, of taking from others what doesn’t belong to him with an impoverished sense of shame and remorse. When you confront an individual with this history and pattern, you are dealing with a sociopath.
What he takes, and even how he takes it, are less relevant considerations that that he takes, with no right.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Donna Dixon,
my spath hid his gambling from me, so I don’t know how much he gambled but he was obsessed with watching other people lose at the casinos. He loved to see the desperation on their faces and would talk about the likelihood that they were going to commit suicide when they left the casino because they had gambled away all their savings and bankrupted themselves.
Gambling and spaths go hand in hand, but the exact reason for it, is still mysterious to me.
Dear Bluejay,
I’m sorry that he left you a mess to clean up, but I hope and pray that he STAYS GONE FOREVER FROM YOUR LIFE. I understand you being royally pissed! You deserve to be pissed! I am glad that his family is helping you clean up the mess, actually I think that they would be supportive of you is more the exception than the rule!
I imagine FAD and several others here WISH that their X’s would disappear and LEAVE THEM THE FARK ALONE. Whatever you have to deal with will eventually be DONE and if he is GONE you will be better off. I pray that he NEVER RETURNS TO YOUR LIFE! (((Hugs))))
Thanks Skylar~ I attended Gamblers Anonymous and also Gam Anon but it seemed to me those Gamblers that turned around were the one’s that decided to get help when their spouses threatened to divorce them. Mine never did so I just assumed the rest were not sociopaths.
What you say about your ex though does resemble mine; he enjoys other’s misfortunes and thrives on chaos.
For what it is worth about the gamblers is that I think the adrenaline rush they get as they “play” –WIN OR LOSE–is the “pay off” for gamblers, that “risk taking” and also that is what the stock brokers/traders seem to enjoy is that RUSH OF HORMONES that gives them the “reward” for the risky behavior. Taking the chance.
There are all kinds of LEGAL ways (though maybe stupid or immoral) to get the RUSH—trading stocks, going to a casino, climbing mountains, flying airplanes, jumping from airplanes, riding fast motorcycles, horses or cars, riding bulls or bucking horses…..lots of ways that a person can get a RUSH legally. Then there is the ILLEGAL ROUTE, stealing, dealing drugs or stolen guns, conning someone out of their money, robbing banks, raping, beating your wife or husband, making kiddie porno….
How we CHOOSE to get our “rush” of adrenaline depends on a lot of things and we can choose between “positive” OR “negative” actions, wise or stupid actions, legal or illegal. The psychopath has little or no impulse control or moral compass to direct his or her choices to the wiser,, kinder, better choices.
Going to a casino is fun for me once in a while, and I used to go to Vegas to see the shows and do a little black jack playing, but it was LIMITED by how much I knew I could “afford” to use as “entertainment funds” and when I lost that much I quit playing. So, gambling wasn’t “problematic” for me, but I have known people for whom it was a BIG problem. Lou Hardin, the former Arkansas State legislator and former President of the University of Central Arkansas near me who was just convicted for fraud to cover up his gambling addiction is only one recent public example.
My state just recently passed a state lottery which I think extends the “ability” of a great many people to satisfy their gambling addiction legally. I’m not sure though that making it “illegal” stops it at all though. Prohibition didn’t stop drinking and the “war on drugs” has NOT stopped drug addiction so it is very frustrating. You can’t legislate good sense or morality.
Dear Bluejay,
How old are your children?
I sort of agree with your neighbors that the “suicide notes” are indicative of a person on the run….about 3 years ago a man who I know his sister “disappeared” without a trace, and without any warning. He was a CFO of a large financial business but it was denied there was any fraud etc. and as far as the FBI could find out there was no affair, etc. he just “disappeared” but his car, phone and lap top were found at a state park. Dogs tracked his scent only for a few feet before it disappeared so he likely got into another vehicle….then later, he was possibly spotted at a motel about 40 miles from there (dogs signaled that he had been there) and since then, NOTHING. No money even “missing” from his account or anything like that. He was recently declared “dead” so his wife could handle business, and they had YOUNG kids so I know it must ahve been a nightmare for them all. Funny thing is I THOUGHT you had to be gone 7 years before you could be declared “dead” for business purposes, anyway….that might be something for you to look into.
Suicide or faux suicide either are probably one of the MOST EVIL THINGS to do to your family, especially if you are just “on the run” and it sounds like yours is ON THE RUN..you and your kids .living in that WONDERLAND OF IS HE OR ISN’T HE ALIVE? must be horrible for your kids, but at some time you have all got to come to the resolution of IT DOESN’T MATTER IF HE KILLED HIMSELF OR NOT, WHAT HE DID IS EVIL AND I WON’T JUSTIFY IT WITH CARING ANYMORE. It may be a long time before you reach that nirvana of indifference too….I know I FIGHT to stay in that place with my P son and his enabler, my egg donor. I AM surprised though that your X’s family is supportive of YOU. That is at least a PLUS for you and your kids.
I hope the cops are after him as well….but I would “bet the farm” he is holing up somewhere with another newer victim laughing his arse off at what a SMART man he is. What an EVIL creature! God bless you and your kids…and may the FLEAS OF 1,000 CAMELS INHABIT HIS ARM PITS! LOL
NewLife (and I want to say Dearest NewLife b/c I so empathize with your troubles.)
This reply is not to minimize what Oxy wrote you but to augment it with my experience.
My whole marriage existence was one big INvalidation. I could NOT get heard (and did not at all until finding LF.). For the one or two people who did not reject me, they insisted it could not have been as bad as I said. People here on LF will affirm that in fact, OUR abuse experience is WORSE than what is said b/c we don’t disclose all, it’s just SO enormous of a betrayal, it’s SO BAD we let it out in pieces, it’s too painful to disclose at one go.
B/c in my little town, it seemed everyone excused my husband’s abuse and behavior, I wanted SOOOoooo badly for him to be exposed and those who were mean to me would realized he was a CON and maybe they’d regret helping him to abuse me. I prayed for it. I dreamed of it. I was looking for JUSTICE.
SO it might come as a surprise to you, that My advice is to set that desire, that NEED for JUSTICE aside and don’t think about it ever again. Think of something else (and you know you have plenty to think about). I found, for ME, wanting JUSTICE kept me trapped in pain. I kept trying to find someone who knew him to discover the truth. Searching for JUSTICE just made me impotent b/c it’s totally depending on another. It’s not empowering. It’s not healing. That idea that someday he will get JUSTICE, maybe from God, maybe at the hands of a bigger bully spath… was no consolation to me. It just made my misery greater b/c it did NOT improve anything for me.
THAT realization was KEY to my growth and empowerment. It was the realization that my measurement of my true NEED was whether it improved things for me. And even if JUSTICE happened and the world knew him for what he was, I still had to find MY path through the healing, through victory, through empowerment, through LIVING a real life again, and helping my daughter THROUGH to do the same. IMPROVING my life was way more of a need and value than anything I could do for myself.
That’s my op about wishing for JUSTICE. Truth is, it’s not likely. These type get away with stuff forever. And if he gets a little bit, it’s still not enough to make that feeling of wanting JUSTICE to go away. That’s my last bit… the desire for JUSTICE does NOT go away. BUT, when I got better and had friends again and life became full of possibilities again (and yes I am older but STILL there are LOTs of possibilities of achievement for me.), I came to a place of SATISFACTION in my life and THAT comes from ME, which NO ONE Can take away.
SATISFACTION with my life TRUMPS JUSTICE for a lowlife creep (and if JUSTICE ever happens, it’s just frosting on my SATISFACTION CAKE!)
Sorry to say, it’s taken me years to get to this moment of contentment but at least I got here. Maybe it’s shorter for others. I hope so. That’s why LF is such a blessing.
Best,
Katy
Katy, actually I agree with you 100% and I think the only difference in our outlooks is simply SEMANTICS….ACCEPTANCE is the word I use and SATISFACTION is the word you use, I think the CONCEPT is the same thing. I also think you put it very well to BlueJay.
We can’t put our peace on the chopping block of THEIR getting what they DESERVE in the “here and now”—because that does depend on something outside of ourselves.
As far as others “getting it” about them in our families and communities, it may not happen, but we can VALIDATE OURSELVES and the truth that we KNOW TO BE THE TRUTH.
Just because Columbus was the ONLY man in the world who thought the world was round didn’t change the shape of the world. Truth is truth is truth. Even if we are the ONLY person in the world who believes what is true….it doesn’t change what is true. That was a difficult concept for me to grasp because I WANTED, I NEEDED (I thought) someone else to agree with me to validate that truth. Now, I see that I can VALIDATE THAT TRUTH MYSELF. That’s what you have done, KatyDid, and what ultimately we all must do. It IS NICE though to know that our friends here at LF also get it. (((hugs)))
Dear Bluejay,
Yep, I agree with you 110% people just think someone is being a “jerk” and that they CAN change or maybe WILL change, not that they have a personality disorder that is DANGEROUS.
If nothing else though, you know the truth, and you must validate that for yourself, and not depend on the validation of others. In fact, sometimes those others will TURN ON you and enable the psychopath to function more effectively.
I hope your kids can come to understand that this is not their fault (little kids especially seem to blame themselves for the bad deeds of their parents) and to grow beyond being abused and neglected by this disordered person. Maybe this whole thing is a GODSEND for them, him cutting himself out of their lives will give you a chance to help them without interference from them.
I have had some “bad things” happen to me that at the time seemed like the WORST thing that could have happened, but in the end, I realized that it turned out to be the BEST THING that could have happened because in the end it worked out to be a BLESSING in disguise.
I don’t know what your faith is but the Bible promises that “ALL THINGS work together for good to those that love the Lord,” and I believe that with all my heart. I’ve had so many “horrible” things happen that in the end, turned out to be BLESSINGS so I think you may have had the BEST BLESSING that your kids could have had, THE ABSENCE OF THEIR “SPERM DONOR” (he is NOT their father as that is a title which must be EARNED and he sure hasn’t done that) God bless you and your kids and keep him OUT OF THEIR LIVES! (((hugs))))
BlueJay,
It’s my belief that your ex-spath is just trying to create drama. If he really wanted to disappear, he wouldn’t have written the notes. They were meant to add spice and flavor to his drama. That means that he will be back because he will want to revel in the drama and he can’t do it if he’s not there.
He’s probably waiting until the statute of limitations is up on everything he has hanging over his head. Find out when that would be and you might predict the date of his return.
The feelings and repercussions he left you with are awful but at least he is out of your life for now. It was his intent to leave you with that slime so refuse to accept it. When he comes back, as I believe he will, he hopes to see a look of shock or anger or some other intense emotion on your face. Be prepared and refuse to participate.
Everything spaths do is for the sake of manipulating emotions. Don’t allow it. Seeing him for what he is, a cardboard cutout facsimile of a human being, will help you move forward. ((hugs)).
very concise illumination of how they operate. Therein lies the disturbing reality- they know and are well aware they are violating you, your rights, your boundaries… they simply don’t care. That’s also why the insanity defense doesn’t hold water.