The “sociopath,” boiled down, is someone who routinely does, and takes, what he wants, unconcerned with the impact of his behavior on others. Nothing in my mind defines his essence more than this concise, factual description. He is rather unique, and thus diagnosable as a sociopath, to this precise extent.
Sure, we’ve discussed this before, but it always merits, in my view, fresh reconsideration. And so let me add, I think, an important caveat: The sociopath doesn’t necessarily feel he has the “right” to what he’s pursuing, or planning to take.
Rather, he doesn’t feel he needs the right. He just needs the want.
Simply wanting what he wants, with or without the right to it, meets his standard for laying claim to his quarry.
Because after all, you may ask the sociopath, “Did you have a ”˜right’ to take that? To steal it?” And he may answer, with intellectual honesty, “No. I realize, intellectually, that I had no right to what I took.”
Which gets to the nub, the essence, of his condition: His” right” to what he wanted wasn’t relevant, didn’t even enter his thinking; rather, his wanting it was the sole factor necessary to support his comfortable, non-conflictual pursuit of it.
To sum up, the sociopath’s disordered essence is captured best in his pattern of taking, without remorse, what intellectually he may very well know doesn’t belong to him—he has no right to it—yet he takes it anyway.
To be clear: when I say that the sociopath intellectually can understand he may lack the “right” to what he’s taking, I’m not suggesting that he lacks a sense of entitlement. Quite the contrary: his sense of entitlement is all the more astounding for his intellectual awareness that he may lack the “right” to what he wants, yet still takes it. In doing so, he is exhibiting self-entitlement, and attitudes of contempt, in their gaudiest, most audacious forms.
One always must beware of oversimplifying complicated concepts. The sociopath’s disorder is complex on many levels. Yet on some levels the sociopath’s mentality isn’t so complicated at all. In some respects it’s pretty simple.
In this article I suggest the sociopath is, essentially, that strange, disconcerting, disruptive individual with a history, and pattern, of taking from others what doesn’t belong to him with an impoverished sense of shame and remorse. When you confront an individual with this history and pattern, you are dealing with a sociopath.
What he takes, and even how he takes it, are less relevant considerations that that he takes, with no right.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
jeannie812
I was in Florida for a week for my daughters wedding. I traveled down with my ex-boyfriend Chuck and my son. My daughter considers my ex Chuck to be her second dad.
On the drive home Chuck mentioned that Jim called him a year ago to talk smack about me. Jim asked Chuck what is wrong with me. Chuck said there is nothing wrong with me. Jim slipped in some smack about me. Chuck said not to call him anymore.
One part of me is spooked because even though Jim’s call to Chuck was over a year ago……Jim is still hanging at the neighbors across the street when he gets an excuse to. Also a year ago Jim tried to hook-up with my girlfriend Linda. Linda told him off.
There is relief in this; that people do see through the stalker.
ErinBrock
Congrats on your daughters wedding Jeannie! I hope it was a beautiful and celebatory day for all!
In time….it’s been my experience….they do see through it….YES they do!
jeannie812
To Erin,
Thank you. It was amazing. A wedding on the seashore!
ErinBrock
Ah….a wedding on the seashore……NICE!
jeannie812
I just remembered how my ex-husband acted. He was fine earlier in the day. I thought it was ok to sit with him and watch the ocean.
I noticed as the day went on that he got possessive. He had his usual double standards. It’s ok for him to talk about women who are interested in him, but when I mentioned I go out with my neighbor lady to the bar he tensed up in a rage.
It’s been 16 years since our divorce, and 19 years since our separation.
I can really understand women who suffer for years from abuse. I can understand it by watching my ex-husband acting like I’m his property after all these years.
He still didn’t stop after we arrived at our daughters house to spend the night. He wanted to stay outside to have a smoke. I said no, I’m going to bed. He bitched at me demanding to know why I am tired and said your always tired. Then he yelled out “get over here — you old lady” I ignored him and closed and locked the bedroom door. I went to bed.
He acts like we are still married and like he can abuse me the way he did during our marriage.
He doesn’t know that the only reason he doesn’t get a kick in the gut is because:
1. Our kids think he is kidding
2. I don’t want to go to jail
3. I would love to kick him harder because our kids think he never causes trouble. I always cause trouble with him cause he says I’m causing him trouble.
4* He yelled that I’m always tired…. He was comparing this week to our marriage. I was tired from the long vacation. He thought I was tired like I was during our marriage when I was taking care of our small children while he was chasing women.
ErinBrock
Take on the …..”yeah….whateva’ approach!
You are NOT his posession!
What a douche~
ErinBrock
We were just talking about behaviors at weddings and funerals.
One said…..it’s like dynomite being thrown in an outhouse….it blows up ant shit splatters. (Not an exact quote…..but I hope the effect).
skylar
You know, I learn something new every day.
Spaths really like drama so they are usually anything but boring. But I’m realizing that there are some spaths that are boring. This is a new realization for me. I’ve heard of the phrase, “the banality of evil” and I thought I had a good idea of what it meant, but it’s become even more clear. It’s a tedious type of boring.
IMO spaths do what they do because they are trying to slime us with how they feel. But if a spath is bored, which is the excuse they always give for causing drama, do they slime you with boredom? I guess some do.
Learn something new every day.
2TimeSurvivor
Skylar:
“Learning about ourselves is as important or more important as learning about them. We can figure out what our “hooks” are. They see them clearly, it’s up to us to learn to see them too.”
Thank you so much. I needed to hear that.
Almost twenty years ago, I thought that I had learned all the lessons I needed to learn in this life because I had survived both the breakup of a bad marriage and the breakup of a bad business partnership. I essentially went through two “divorces” at one time. After that, I thought that I could survive anything, but also recognize the signs so that I’d never allow myself to go anywhere near a bad relationship again.
After a number of years, not only had I climbed out of the gutter that I’d been thrown into, but I’d also become rather successful in my business and personal lives and I mistakenly believed that I had become “too smart” to ever let another person control my life. I even bragged that “I’d rather live alone for the rest of my life than find myself living with another person who made me feel that I’d rather be alone.”
Then I fell “hook, line and sinker” for the smartest, smoothest con man you’d never want to meet. EVERYONE was shocked when he was arrested. Everyone, that is, except the feds and his victims. At the time, I didn’t realize that I was his biggest victim; thankfully, however, the feds did and they’ve been really decent to me. One agent, in particular, has repeatedly told me to “be selfish” and “take care of you.”
Too much drama to share at this time of night, but I really just wanted to say “thank you” for reminding me that we’re ALWAYS supposed to be learning. I think that’s really what this life is about, anyway: Love and Learn. Learn and Love. Shake and Repeat.
skylar
Happy to help, ((2timesurviver))