The “sociopath,” boiled down, is someone who routinely does, and takes, what he wants, unconcerned with the impact of his behavior on others. Nothing in my mind defines his essence more than this concise, factual description. He is rather unique, and thus diagnosable as a sociopath, to this precise extent.
Sure, we’ve discussed this before, but it always merits, in my view, fresh reconsideration. And so let me add, I think, an important caveat: The sociopath doesn’t necessarily feel he has the “right” to what he’s pursuing, or planning to take.
Rather, he doesn’t feel he needs the right. He just needs the want.
Simply wanting what he wants, with or without the right to it, meets his standard for laying claim to his quarry.
Because after all, you may ask the sociopath, “Did you have a ”˜right’ to take that? To steal it?” And he may answer, with intellectual honesty, “No. I realize, intellectually, that I had no right to what I took.”
Which gets to the nub, the essence, of his condition: His” right” to what he wanted wasn’t relevant, didn’t even enter his thinking; rather, his wanting it was the sole factor necessary to support his comfortable, non-conflictual pursuit of it.
To sum up, the sociopath’s disordered essence is captured best in his pattern of taking, without remorse, what intellectually he may very well know doesn’t belong to him—he has no right to it—yet he takes it anyway.
To be clear: when I say that the sociopath intellectually can understand he may lack the “right” to what he’s taking, I’m not suggesting that he lacks a sense of entitlement. Quite the contrary: his sense of entitlement is all the more astounding for his intellectual awareness that he may lack the “right” to what he wants, yet still takes it. In doing so, he is exhibiting self-entitlement, and attitudes of contempt, in their gaudiest, most audacious forms.
One always must beware of oversimplifying complicated concepts. The sociopath’s disorder is complex on many levels. Yet on some levels the sociopath’s mentality isn’t so complicated at all. In some respects it’s pretty simple.
In this article I suggest the sociopath is, essentially, that strange, disconcerting, disruptive individual with a history, and pattern, of taking from others what doesn’t belong to him with an impoverished sense of shame and remorse. When you confront an individual with this history and pattern, you are dealing with a sociopath.
What he takes, and even how he takes it, are less relevant considerations that that he takes, with no right.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
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KatyDid- Your comment really hits home with me. I have been stuck in limbo between wanting to see justice done by exposing my ex-spath for what he is and appreciating the life I have now with all of the beautiful, wonderful blessings I have been given. It is quite a tightrope.
Seeking justice and validation for our experience does keep us tied to them and we do, unfortunately, give our energy and power to them. It is a nasty cycle. I am still stuggling with it. I just can’t get past how everyone seems to love the jerk and look at me like I am the pathetic, scorned lover. I, too, am waiting patiently for the day indifference arrives. What a glorious day that will be.
For now, it hurts like hell when I see how he struts around with the perfect little life. I feel very alone because no one else has ever bee victimized by him like I have. His previous girlfriend was treated well to her face because she had connections he didn’t want to ruine. She was a good girl (madonna) He cheated on her like crazy, but he was so good to her in her presence. His wife, the girl after me, is seemingly treated well to her face for the same reasons. She is also a good girl (madonna). His wife offers him excellent social status. She is educated, well liked, comes from a good family and a good person all around. I have no idea if he cheats on her. It would be very difficult for him to get away with it because she is his best friend’s sister. They appear to have the perfect marriage.
I didn’t offer him any social standing. I didn’t have connections to prop up his image. I couldn’t offer him a good extended family. I was, therefore, thrown away after he got from me what he wanted (which was sex). He used me for sex so he could brag to his buddies about all of the things I would do with him. I was a bragging prop, nothing else. A great way to promote his Alpha Dog image. Silly me, I thought I was the love of his life. Still cuts me to the core.
He was sexually devious and sinister with me. He constantly lied about his true feelings for me and continually manipulated me into situations that were either humiliating or just plain emotionally abusive. His friends rallied to his defense whenever I stood up for myself. I became the psycho girlfriend. All the labels and mis-treatment by he and his friends still affects me to this day. I was the whore they could denegrate and speak ill about. I was not a good girl, according to them. I was a bad apple, so my ex was justified in everything he did.
The irony of it all is that all three of the women in his life, his past girlfriend, me and his wife, are all from the same town. We are all around the same age. We know the same people. So when people who know all of us hear my story and what I have expereinced with him, it doesn’t match up with the other girls’ experiences. I am left looking like the “crazy”.
I hate that it still hurts me. I feel humiliated all over again knowing that I am left the “sucker”.
I didn’t deserve any of that. He had no right to treat me the way he did. These things I know. Just waiting now for my heart to catch up with my mind.
Oxy- You have given me great advice on this in the past. I just want to get past this last thing. It is so difficult. Maybe justice won’t come. I am waiting for indifference…
sisterhood,
I’m so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I know that it’s not much consolation but at least know that his disorder will keep him from ever truly being a loving human being or truly happy.
Your job is to pick up th pieces and make your life better than it was BECAUSE of what happened. That’s the ultimate revenge : when we take the dung they left us and make it into something great. Donna Anderson is the perfect example for us. She created LF as a consequence of the spath attack she endured.
Hi everyone. I’m new. I’m not sure if this is supposed to go here, but I thought I should introduce myself, so here goes..
I’m an undergrad student majoring in psychology. I plan to eventually make a career out of research in forensic psychology, particularly psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder. I became interested in the disorder because of my aunt, a psychopath who nearly tore my family apart, and because I recently broke up with a guy who is probably a psychopath. Uh.. Yep. That’s all. Anything else, just ask if you want.
Dear Sisterhood,
Sky gave you some great advice there, Sister. We do have to some how take the dung that they leave on us and turn it into FERTILIZER to nourish the roses in our future!
It is difficult to get to the “nirvana of indifference” and the thing is that it isn’t just a “one and done” effort either, even when you reach that PEAK. You have to stay balanced to stay there or you will fall off! LOL I realized that finally, that even when you reach “acceptance” in grieving, you must continue to work on STAYING there and the nirvana of indifference I think is the same.
That is why NO CONTACT is so important because when we either give in and initiate contact, or allow them to contact us, it many times kicks us in the arse and we fall off the peak of indifference. That is why, I think, it is SOOOO hard for people who have to co-parent with these creeps and who see them on a regular basis.
It is difficult to run in the same circles and SEE their “perfect life” and to think how wonderful they must be having things when you know your own life sucks! Well, first off, you may THINK he has this “perfect” marriage, but let me inform you of something….IT IS A FAKE….he is no better to her than he was to you…or anyone else. That is the way they are!!!!! Behind closed doors ALL IS NOT ROSEY IN THAT MARRIAGE.
My egg donor is the “perfect Christian lady” in public and to her friends, but I KNOW WHAT LIES BEHIND DOOR NUMBER 2! And it AIN’T PRETTY I can testify to that. So no matter what face he presents in public or what his “friends” think IT IS A HALLOWEEN MASK—FAKE!~ Keep that in mind.
When you find yourself thinking how perfect he treated others and how crappy he treated you—remind yourself just WHAT A FAKE HE IS! It is all SMOKE AND MIRRORS, it is not the truth! (((hugs)))
Dear Circus,
WELCOME to Love Fraud. Sounds like you have the “credentials” to qualify as a member of our club. Sorry you qualify! But hopefully you can turn a negative into a positive and make a career out of educating others about the psychopaths in this world!
Just chime in anywhere you feel you’d like to comment! A good group here! Lots of stuff to read and there’s lots to learn! Good support here as well. Again, welcome!
Thanks. 🙂
I never had a lot of contact with my aunt. And my ex and I broke up before anything really bad happened. So I consider myself lucky.
Circus-Welcome to LF. I’m sorry you had to come here but welcome to our little club. As a psychology student you will find so much interesting here for you too. I had to come here due to a relationship with a Narcissist and you will learn so much here. I am permanently changed for the rest of my life since being here and I know you eventually will too. I’m so glad that your psychopath wasn’t around much to cause you to much pain.
Dearest Sisterhood
There’s a reason you called yourself sisterhood. We are your sisters here. We KNOW. Yes, we are painted as the crazy ones. My therapist was so good to me on this point. She said. NO you are NOT crazy. But you are in a CRAZYMAKING situation. His mask is off to you, but not off to the ones he needs to fool. Once my husband revealed his mask to me, he couldn’t get it back on again, I knew too much. I had to be destroyed.
To this day, I don’t know why my husband married me. I had no money, no prestige that would impress locals, was not pretty. And when he was done with me, he trashed me; I was accused of being a gold digger, of trying to kill him, of abusing his father, of being lazy and taking advantage. It was all to justify abusing me. Then I was discarded with no more thought than a stray dog. I was erased, did not exist.
I did move to protect myself, my life had been threatened and they made it impossible for me to gain employment. But moving gave me peace, a place where I didn’t have to watch over my shoulder or cry at THOSE looks by the townspeople. With that distance, I remembered who I AM.
Sorry it’s been years of working to recover but recover I have. ANd NOW, I am NOT defensive, I am NOT fragile, I am NOT avoidant, I am NOT approval seeking. I AM a whole list of characteristics that I admire, NONE of them that he has. I am SO PROUD to not be LIKE HIM or HIS family/minions.
So NO, when YOU recover, you won’t be able to convince those parasites hanging with your ex about anything, but they won’t have any power over you. YOU WILL TOO BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE. And your confidence in yourself will impress those who are good people. The others will mean nothing to you b/c like me, you won’t want to associate with anyone who is LIKE HIM.
Work to be a person YOU are proud of, and the result will be that you have recovered and THEY won’t matter one whit. The pain you feel is hard, but it’s not permanent. You have to get through it, BUT good news, you get THROUGH it. I can be more detailed if you need.
Best,
Katy
Katy-that was a great post that you made to Sisterhood. You are right too she is part of the sisterhood. She will be part of those of us who were permanently changed in a good and positive way despite what we’ve been through.
I feel like a person for the first time in my life. I never felt like I was good enough because I wasn’t perfect. I know now that I AM GOOD ENOUGH-extra lbs and all. All of the drama that is surrounding us eventually goes away and we get tired of being caught up in that endless circle that goes round and round.