The “sociopath,” boiled down, is someone who routinely does, and takes, what he wants, unconcerned with the impact of his behavior on others. Nothing in my mind defines his essence more than this concise, factual description. He is rather unique, and thus diagnosable as a sociopath, to this precise extent.
Sure, we’ve discussed this before, but it always merits, in my view, fresh reconsideration. And so let me add, I think, an important caveat: The sociopath doesn’t necessarily feel he has the “right” to what he’s pursuing, or planning to take.
Rather, he doesn’t feel he needs the right. He just needs the want.
Simply wanting what he wants, with or without the right to it, meets his standard for laying claim to his quarry.
Because after all, you may ask the sociopath, “Did you have a ”˜right’ to take that? To steal it?” And he may answer, with intellectual honesty, “No. I realize, intellectually, that I had no right to what I took.”
Which gets to the nub, the essence, of his condition: His” right” to what he wanted wasn’t relevant, didn’t even enter his thinking; rather, his wanting it was the sole factor necessary to support his comfortable, non-conflictual pursuit of it.
To sum up, the sociopath’s disordered essence is captured best in his pattern of taking, without remorse, what intellectually he may very well know doesn’t belong to him—he has no right to it—yet he takes it anyway.
To be clear: when I say that the sociopath intellectually can understand he may lack the “right” to what he’s taking, I’m not suggesting that he lacks a sense of entitlement. Quite the contrary: his sense of entitlement is all the more astounding for his intellectual awareness that he may lack the “right” to what he wants, yet still takes it. In doing so, he is exhibiting self-entitlement, and attitudes of contempt, in their gaudiest, most audacious forms.
One always must beware of oversimplifying complicated concepts. The sociopath’s disorder is complex on many levels. Yet on some levels the sociopath’s mentality isn’t so complicated at all. In some respects it’s pretty simple.
In this article I suggest the sociopath is, essentially, that strange, disconcerting, disruptive individual with a history, and pattern, of taking from others what doesn’t belong to him with an impoverished sense of shame and remorse. When you confront an individual with this history and pattern, you are dealing with a sociopath.
What he takes, and even how he takes it, are less relevant considerations that that he takes, with no right.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
LOVE the bromance love going on in the room tonight! 🙂
Eloquence, reason AND humor……DAMN….now I really like you Constantine!!!
And Hens…..you always crack me up!!!!
XX you guys…….
To those affected by recent adversity…..keep in mind~
“He who wrestles with us, strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skills. Our antagonist is our helper. (Edmund Burke) ”
Night all……
Sisterhood,
Hey hon just wait a moment. You’re having an anxiety attack? There is nothing to be afraid of right now. First of all, that clown just came in and clowned around. It didn’t get a hold of anyone’s finances, heart, personal belongings, or family members. It trolled on in, did a funny dance, then got kicked out without a trophy to its silly name. I don’t know where you read something which made you feel under attack by the regular members here, but I feel (and this is my gut after the little time I’ve been here) that the regulars and senior “staff” of LF are a solid group, even an army of spathinators so to speak. You don’t need to feel afraid in here. The moment that troll waltzed in here, the most experienced of the group immediately spotted “it” and were ready for action. If anything, you can COUNT on this group to have your back and stick up for you in a world full of spaths. Spaths are everywhere. At least in here you get to watch how the seasoned spath-butt-kick crew handles one.
I can relate to how you’re possibly feeling right now. I remember when Mike Myers came in and flat out told us all he was a psychopath. Immediately I wanted to recoil behind my keyboard until “it was over” and the coast was clear to wander back in. I kinda nudged Skylar that day with a little, “Is he even allowed in here?” I was checking to see if I had anything to fear….and I didn’t even need to ask.
In this most recent case, I knew the moment I recognized that thing that the solid family here in LF would be coming out like a pack of wolves to defend the fort, whether by contacting Donna, deflecting attacks, or warning new members and standing in front of them to block the little fiend. As usual, LF won, because, in the end, Donna can just click a few buttons and make the silly social spaz disappear into a puff of smoke. Next time you notice a spath in here, I bet you’ll spot it quicker. Your responses will be more skilled. And you will not be afraid at all, because you are in really good hands here. You’ve got some serious back up in this room. Consider a “little visitor” as a learning experience, a chance to practice the new skills we are trying to gain confidence in, because there is NO WAY some troll can come in here and actually walk away with a prize. Donna can just “edit undo” their entire existence, so take their presence with a grain of salt, as it will always be very short-lived.
One thing I’m realizing about spaths, esp this most recent one, is that they make us think they are “greater” than they actually are. What I mean is that this clown might have knocked a few people off balance, but I think it’s cause we actually interpret them as having some power, which, when you think about it, they don’t. They are UTTERLY powerless in this room. They can babble, post, babble, argue, babble until they are blue in the face, but if we all just roll our eyes, tell jokes, and wait for Donna to “terminate” them, they will have gone through their ridiculous routine for absolutely no gain in the end.
I agree that you should do what feels best for you, but this could also be a good chance to stand tall and stay. Acknowledge that a little punk tried to “scare you off” and then boldly make a stand to verify that they CANNOT scare you off, because they have NO POWER over you. Swat at it like a little fly until it flies out the window or is smashed by Donna, and then go on with your life.
I’ve enjoyed your contribution in here. I hope you won’t leave, especially because I don’t think the spath deserves the satisfaction of damaging anyone in here. I bet “it” is reading these comments from somewhere and grinning like an evil Cheshire cat just hoping someone will run away. Don’t. I’d rather flip it the proverbial middle finger and embrace my LF family even stronger. We are a wolf pack that looks after its own and whoops the butt of anyone who messes with our crew. Grrrr.
Oxy is right that we should all agree as one unified voice to ignore it completely next time. Part of the reason I even talked to it was because I wanted it to “come out” from behind its mask and show its awkward face, that way anyone who wasn’t 100% sure about its identity would see it absolutely clearly. It was pretending to be normal, and I was kinda poking it, saying, “Go ahead, show your true face so we ALL can see you clear as day!” I noticed Coping threw it a few bones. I was watching, thinking, “Noooo Coping, noooo! It’s evil!!! Look what it does when I say this!!!!” I just wanted to ruffle its feathers so it would do a classic spath attack and show what it was really made of.
However, I think Oxy is right. We should all just hit “report abusive comment” next time and then go grey rock.
Well said Panther.
Panther and EB, I got the GF Bisquick!! Now I can make dumplings! yay!
The ingredients are:
Rice Flour, Sugar, Leavening (baking soda, sodium aluminum phosphate, monocalcium phosphate) Modified Potato Starch, Salt and Xanthan Gum.
Other than the Sugar and the sodium aluminum phosphate, it’s mostly good stuff. I will practice making dumpings with this so I can learn what texture to shoot for. Then I’ll work on making my own mix (substituting agave for the sugar) so I don’t have to buy this anymore.
To Katydid ..you wrote, “His mask is off to you, but not off to the ones he needs to fool. Once my husband revealed his mask to me, he couldn’t get it back on again, I knew too much. I had to be destroyed”
Hoo boy..do I know THAT feeling..my ex is STILL trying to destroy me with SPAM emails.. pretty sure it’s him who keeps initiating having 3rd party SPAMS sent to my box, but I remain gleeful having renamed that SPAM file “toilet” .. yes, I keep them, just in case he tries anything worse, like vandalism, which I suspect he has tried, already, in the past..years after I got away from him. Which brings up Hen’s point about those earplugs in his driveway. Recently, I found, in front of our driveway..RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT..a broken plastic tray, the kind where paper comes out of a printer. The chards were very sharp and knifelike..could have punctured our tires. Of course, it may not have been him at all..may have fallen off the garbage collector’s truck. Still, I know how you feel, living in fear of the spath. Those earplugs Hens found might have “been innocent” but they might not have been, too. A few months ago, I found an “innocent” balloon, the shiney kind, with B-day greetings on it. It still had some gas in it, wasn’t totally deflated and was TIED. No, it didn’t just drift down and get stuck in my bushes, like in the movie, Red Balloon.., it was TIED to a forsythia branch, by a human hand, as if some “innocent child” or prankster had creeped into my back yard, trespassed, and TIED it there. I know how spaths can make one jumpy. If he does anything more, like vandalism, I WILL take those SPAM files to the cops.
Katydid wrote, “I don’t know why my husband married me. I had no money, no prestige that would impress locals, was not pretty. And when he was done with me, he trashed me; I was accused of being a gold digger, of trying to kill him, of abusing his father, of being lazy and taking advantage. It was all to justify abusing me. Then I was discarded with no more thought than a stray dog. I was erased, did not exist”
Maybe he married you cuz you had good credit and he didn’t? Just a guess. I think that is why my ex spath-ed me. My guess is my ex is probably telling others I was a golddigger, too. Ha! HE WAS IN THE HOLE FINANCIALLY, NOT ME! They sure do flip the script, don’t they? Mine said, “You just wanted me to work for you” .. accusatory like.., well, he bamboozled ME into working for HIM, for NO PAY, in his FAILING SHOP, between my contract jobs. Plus I got HIM paying (musical) gigs! He broke the lease on our rental unit. I don’t know if he purposely CHOSE the WORST time to leave me, but it was..right when my LAST of my unemployment checks were about to run out”and he neglected to pay his part of the last utility bills..basically finagled me into being his “friends with benefits” & paying half for the roof over his daughter’s head, all those weekends, for years she stayed with us.
Katydid wrote, “I did move to protect myself, my life had been threatened and they made it impossible for me to gain employment. But moving gave me peace, a place where I didn’t have to watch over my shoulder or cry at THOSE looks by the townspeople. With that distance, I remembered who I AM. Sorry it’s been years of working to recover but recover I have”
I’m with you there, too. When I printed out copies of his nasty emails, to/from that swingers’ site, as proof, I did show them to several townsfolk who had had business dealings with my spath. Man, was I incensed! I, too, had to move, but for more than one reason (two traumas in a row..I was robbed/assaulted by a felon at work, in the VERY JOB I NEEDED TO KEEP to help me get back on my feet..geez! I said, “What else, God?! Why me?! What else?!” I was barely maintaining as it was. I kept telling myself, to/from work, “the sky is still blue, he’s not in my life, the sky is still a BEAUTIFUL BLUE..”) .. I wasn’t so much worried about what the “townspeople” thought (it was a sleepy bedroom community), for my next door neighbor, elderly man, another father figure for me, SAVED my sanity. It seems now that he DID CHOOSE the WORST time to leave, ON PURPOSE..not long after his “darling” daughter had her 18th birthday, no longer a minor, and after 7 years since he’d gone bankrupt had passed, finally able to get a credit card again. By increments, he was LIVING OFF MY ENERGY, funds, psyche, spirit..a BIG FAT VORTEX! Well.., he wasn’t “fat” but he was a GIANT ENERGY DRAIN and SOUL SUCKER. I jumped “right back on the horse”, again, though .. found me a new (this time) TRUE love who I am still with. I am a very determined strong individual..wasn’t gonna let some azzwipe take my ability to love again, away. That old man (neighbor, retired marine, widower) helped me, too. He would talk to me daily, after the spath vacated my life..that marine was a FRIEND..told me I “looked like a million dollars” when I was feeling at my worst and “unfeminine”. He said, a year later, though, after I had moved away, that he’d been “seriously worried” about me (when he was still my neighbor), so I can understand how Joanie123 felt when she walked to those train tracks, hoping to die. And yes..it DOES take years recovering from a SPATH, especially after you’ve spent YEARS with him. Staying open to new friendships (4 former networks for me, gained while with him, diminished or vanished for me, after he left..I was shattered) is the key, and you will find a few up here if you haven’t already, and NOT let the spath destroy your ability to trust others! The ability to trust again is ESSENTIAL. Fortunately for me, my partner (of more than 10 years now) was very open to sharing his many (many more than my ex had) friendship circles with me..wide open, unlike my ex, the SPATH, and his friends love me and I love them.
That’s all for now. Hugs everyone..
Zim
Zim,
Amen to that — part about “diminished or vanished” friendships… I sometimes wonder about the energy vortex, if it sucks away from us or clouds our beautiful energy which draws friendships to us. For me, it is almost like I became a pariah or diseased or something. And I think one thing led to another… I was feeling bad about myself, my friends left me, which made me feel worse, possibly not appealing anymore to those friends, not appealing or attracting new friends, which made me feel lonely, abandoned, isolated, so sad. Hard to know which comes first, and what the remedy is, once it starts.
I am thankful for my inherently positive nature, my strength, and time… slowly I have been building myself back up. But I am not there, not even sure I ever will be, ever again.
For the first 3 decades of my life, I was an outgoing, positive, friendly person who had many friends and people who were drawn to me (not everyone! But enough that I am pretty sure there was nothing “wrong” with me).
Ever since I was spathed, it has been a struggle for me to attract friends. So much seems destroyed. I am not interested in some of the same things I used to be interested in. I sometimes feel sad when I see other people apparently obliviously enjoying life (as i used to do). People who are able to have silly birthday parties with their kids and take them to the zoo… when I have had my mothering demonized by my ex to CPS (part of my identity is/was that I have been such a devoted mother — truly, inside and out)… it is hard to find the joy. To simply be, to enjoy my kids, to have that feeling of, “well at least this part of my life works — my relationships with my kids.” This is hard to put into words, and I don’t think I’m doing a good job of describing it.
My focus for the past 8 months has been to gather my kids close to me and work on our family relationships. But there is still a feeling of shame and embarrassment to the outside world (my kids’ school… my ex went to the guidance counselor and trashed me to her… he sent emails to all of the teachers demanding that they copy him on every email they send me because we are divorced…).
it is hard to hold my head high — I simply mean, to be able to know without questioning, that I am a good enough mother to my kids. That was always something I believed, and so did others.
If people haven’t had their reputations smeared, I think they just don’t know. I am sure this is the same thing, if a person’s career is destroyed by a bully. Even if they had a wonderful, respected career, but overnight their reputation is destroyed and they cannot find another job…. it is hard to maintain that piece of your identity as a good worker, respected in your field.
I am thankful for every true friend I have. And maybe, I am starting to be a bit thankful, also, to have this revealed to me — who are the true friends, and who are not. that has been a shock. Turned my world upside down.
I feel the pain of everyone who shares on LF with similar issues of shunning by former friends, or people who don’t believe you (because even soap operas are more easily believed than what has happened to us.)
OK So we can all talk about Circus by name, but when people start gossiping about this one blogger and that one blogger, and what they did and how they did it, without using names alot of us over sensitive dupes feel threatened…Hope your feeling better Sisterhood.
I attest to the quick keen eye of people like Oxy and Sky to pick the troll out as soon as it types even a letter. Wasn’t around to see it happen this time, which I don’t mind. And I understand it may scare the bejeezus out of ya, with a big temptation to watch your words or to not even come again. We are here to lick our wounds from spaths we knew very personally and intimately in our lives, and then some freak who has nothing to do with us comes to put some sault in the wounds. But it’s not because some of the most dangerous bugs are on the prowl in hospitals that you stay out of the hospital when you’re in need of it.
We all recognize we aren’t people who can clinically diagnoze personality disorders. Who cares? All we need to do is be able to identify red flag behaviour of people who claim to love us in words, but instead act on purpose to hurt and destroy us, for no other reason than that they think they can. To learn to recognize such parasites even before they can try to drain the life out of us. We call them spaths, because of their spathic behaviour. We don’t need to be qualified doctors to know we want to avoid them like the plague. And even if therapy could help them, their issues are still too grand for any personal involvement. We’re not therapists either, so they don’t need to come knock on our door for our sympathies, understanding, second chances and help. It’s ok to judge evil as evil, the heartless as heartless. It’s been the non-judging in our past that got us here in the first place.
My ex even had his friends of years schnookered. They all thought, for years, that my ex loved me. One of them, a lady, wife of his former band mate, (I’ll call her “J.L.” .. her initials only) tried comforting me with an e-mail, after he left. She said “people don’t do this when they are our age” (in our late 40’s) .. like she finally KNEW something “wasn’t right” with him. She conveyed that she’d heard the rumor from the other band buddy’s wife, (I’ll go by her initial, “M”) a friend of hers, that the woman he’d had a fling with before me, (I’ll go by her initial, “D”) told her friend, “M”, that he had “performance issues” in the bedroom..probably the SAME “performance issues” I had with him. J.L. wrote that, at first, “M” thought that her friend was just “sour grapes” because my ex decided against a relationship with “D” .. he had moved on, with me.., but when J.L. heard from me about my ex’s down-low activities, the “sour grapes” idea vanished from the minds of “M” and J.L. Amazing what women can discover when they connect the dots, isn’t it? Somehow I doubt that that former circle of friends of his still holds him in high esteem. All truth comes to light, eventually.
Thank you Constantine.