The “sociopath,” boiled down, is someone who routinely does, and takes, what he wants, unconcerned with the impact of his behavior on others. Nothing in my mind defines his essence more than this concise, factual description. He is rather unique, and thus diagnosable as a sociopath, to this precise extent.
Sure, we’ve discussed this before, but it always merits, in my view, fresh reconsideration. And so let me add, I think, an important caveat: The sociopath doesn’t necessarily feel he has the “right” to what he’s pursuing, or planning to take.
Rather, he doesn’t feel he needs the right. He just needs the want.
Simply wanting what he wants, with or without the right to it, meets his standard for laying claim to his quarry.
Because after all, you may ask the sociopath, “Did you have a ”˜right’ to take that? To steal it?” And he may answer, with intellectual honesty, “No. I realize, intellectually, that I had no right to what I took.”
Which gets to the nub, the essence, of his condition: His” right” to what he wanted wasn’t relevant, didn’t even enter his thinking; rather, his wanting it was the sole factor necessary to support his comfortable, non-conflictual pursuit of it.
To sum up, the sociopath’s disordered essence is captured best in his pattern of taking, without remorse, what intellectually he may very well know doesn’t belong to him—he has no right to it—yet he takes it anyway.
To be clear: when I say that the sociopath intellectually can understand he may lack the “right” to what he’s taking, I’m not suggesting that he lacks a sense of entitlement. Quite the contrary: his sense of entitlement is all the more astounding for his intellectual awareness that he may lack the “right” to what he wants, yet still takes it. In doing so, he is exhibiting self-entitlement, and attitudes of contempt, in their gaudiest, most audacious forms.
One always must beware of oversimplifying complicated concepts. The sociopath’s disorder is complex on many levels. Yet on some levels the sociopath’s mentality isn’t so complicated at all. In some respects it’s pretty simple.
In this article I suggest the sociopath is, essentially, that strange, disconcerting, disruptive individual with a history, and pattern, of taking from others what doesn’t belong to him with an impoverished sense of shame and remorse. When you confront an individual with this history and pattern, you are dealing with a sociopath.
What he takes, and even how he takes it, are less relevant considerations that that he takes, with no right.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
For tonight I just want to say, F***ing liers.
Alina,
I read your post. Yes it does sound bitter sweet ideed. I’m sorry you are so sad, frustrated, and angry…in addition I know the raging hormones don’t help.
If you can try to focus on the facts…remember wasn’t he the one who held up a sign on the highway a few weeks ago that read “I love you Alina”. Love does not disaappear in a week or two. He is using her much in the same way he used you. TO GET WHAT HE WANTS. If possible try to remember his actions and conflicting words. They wont make sence…because they are not logical. However it might give you a slight sence of peace. As people have told me and what I try to remember…things are not what they seem.
This woman might appear stupid but she is also a victim. Try to remember the way he spoke about and treated her while he had you. They do not change…
Alina you did win because you see the truth although it hurts like hell. Also remember he most likely will be back..There is no doubt in my mind about that one! Stay strong. Stay NC.
Milo, Constantine, One, and Panther…thank you for your encouraging words. I have been taking a LF break and focusing on lifes to do lists. Yes Milo, sometime reading “Five Little Ladybugs” can be more peaceful and stress free than dealing with understanding things. Its not gonna go away and won’t happen overnight…all in due time I guess. Nope…it’s not gonna happen on my timeline. One day at a time. Thank you!
I saw an episode of Dateline tonight. A guy who was a worldly known self-help expert lead a group of people on a tragic self-improvement camp-out trip that lead to the death of three. They died in the steam tent. Others were injured.
This story reminded me of how many of us have been lead to do things just because someone who told a good story to lead us down that path.
It’s kinda like the Pied Piper of Hamelin. Just a different twist. A group of adults were convinced to go on a self-improvement camp-out when they didn’t know the risky details. They went along willing like children.
I think all adults can be quickly duped like children would be, if the right dominate personality comes along.
Jeannie, that guy was RAY—there is an article here on him….I tried to find it but wasn’t able to…not sure if the search engine is working right….but he ended up being tried and convicted…he should have been locked up in a “sweat lodge” and steam cooked!
Ah yes, the Pied Piper…has anyone ever seen the movie “The Sweet Hereafter?” That is an awesome movie…I have seen it 3-4 times and the Pied Piper reference made me think of the movie. I highly recommend it.
hahaha: good analogy: the pied piper…
how charming…while they suck your last breath…
Dupey
is the pied piper the dude that picked a peck of pickled peppers?
Hey…Hi all. I haven’t posted in awhile but I really need some support, please. Some might remember me, my P husband drugged me, turned all my children, Pastor and friends against me. They are convinced through his lies that I am crazy and borderline….and then when I found child and teen porn on his computer and thought I had the evidence I would need to convince them it was him and not me, he went in for the complete kill of everything I ever thought dear. Drugged my cat, drugged me, went into my email and erased all evidence, cried and plead to my family…… turned every soul in my life against me.
It’s been 19 months of complete isolation.I work a job,have a son…..but my family spend holidays, sundays and every occasion together leaving me out.I sat alone in silence on Thanksgiving! I have never known such pain!!! He did this because I raised my children to love everyone, be Christian, and blind-trust. He convinced them that i am borderline……(like he attempted to do to 3 women who were before me,and cut them from their families.) so any attempt to get them to listen to me they write off as” I am playing the victim’. They literally think I am evil and he is good.
I am trying to get divorced, and he keeps moving so I can’t serve him. I finally called him after 10 months to say “we can get this done quick…or drag it out and I go for abandonment”. Now he is stalking me again. I was walking my dog in the woods, and he walked up out of know where wanting to talk…..and he lives 3 states away! I was sleeping and thought my dog was scratching and knocking the table at 11:00 at night the next weekend,…so I said “Tucker” (and the window was cracked open) and I hear a voice,his, say “it’s not Tucker”. It was him! I asked him to leave me alone…. but what he does is hook me in….and then throw away. I can’t explain it. All in the matter of days, and over and over again……
Well. This time through email….I told him of everything I know about him, I threatened him and told him I will expose him…..BUT IN MY HEART I WAS TRYING TO GET HIM TO ACT, TO DO SOMETHING SO THAT ALL WILL SEE WHO HE REALLY IS….even if he hurts me. I was “egging him on”. Calling him loser” when I know they HAVE to win, telling him I am going to report him to IRS, telling him I will have the last word…. It’s wierd because I don’t even get “scared” by him anymore. It’s almost like I am resigned that he may kill me…..but my life isn’t worth living like this, and maybe others would see the truth then. I know it sounds crazy, but I am just tired. Tired of him popping out of no where all the time. Tired of looking over my shoulder, tired of trying to think of ways to get my loved ones to give me 5 mins. to hear me. They have blocked me from texts, email,everything based on his lies.
I always think…..God will expose him, but it is almost 2 years of living this existence. I have a grand-daughter I have never seen walk! My life is spent trying to keep the bills paid, and silence, and his “games”.
…..now he is silent again, and I am left to wonder what he is up to. It is Saturday, and I can clean my house but for who…why? all my loved ones have gone.
He has murdered my life, and left me to live in it, as that gives him more pleasure than taking my life. That would have been to compassionate for him………
i could go to a bar tonight,but there I would probably met my 4th Psycopath. So where do I meet new friends? How do I live without the children/grandchildren I love?
I have “dated myself for 19 months! The movies have been watched, the books read, the candles light…..and I am still alone after he destroyed the beautiful life I had created and invited him into……. i don’t know what to do anymore. I pray, work,and try to fill my time..but after him I am just ALONE and have lost everything. I prayed last night for 3 hours beseeching God,and seeking his face and then the night sweats and nightmares and silence are here again today. I am really struggling and needing a friend. You see, the friends he turned against me were all relationships of 20-30 years!! I will never understand. They are evil demons sent to this earth to steal,kill and destroy. But how do we pick up the pieces???
thanks.
Dear Bellaangel,
Sorry to hear your story. Can you go to a domestic violence center or phone them? I would get a restraining order on him too. That’s too much, he drugged you and the cat too? He sounds very dangerous! Other suggestions I’ve seen here on LF are getting a survailance camera set up at your house, and recording every conversation you have with him.
I wish you the best and someone else with more experience will come along and comment I’m sure. You don’t have to be alone especially if you’re here on LoveFraud.
bellaangel,
I’m so sorry that you feel so isolated. You sound depressed (no wonder if you are). So, my first question is whether you’ve had any therapy? If not, I suggest to find a supportive therapist. Also, check in here often, to talk and read. You will never find a group of people as understanding of what you are going through as us.
I also read in your story how often you threaten him with going to do stuff, but the first thing that comes to mind imo is to get a restraining order and go NO CONTACT with him. With a restraining order it will be far easier for you to get his moves officially documented.
I also read in your story how much your life still revolves around him: what is he up to now? where is he? what lies is he telling about me now? You are still in contact with him, trying to beat him at his own game. STOP! He’s a piece of shit not worth your attention anymore. You deserve to think of yourself NOW. You feel unmotivated to clean your house for just yourself. Well you deserve a clean house for yourself. I understand how difficult it is to get to that perspective where you think: hey, I deserve to love myself, without relying on other people. But it is the only way to heal and pick up the pieces again. You are in pieces, and so it all begins with YOU.
Hugs and love to you… you deserve uch much better.