The “sociopath,” boiled down, is someone who routinely does, and takes, what he wants, unconcerned with the impact of his behavior on others. Nothing in my mind defines his essence more than this concise, factual description. He is rather unique, and thus diagnosable as a sociopath, to this precise extent.
Sure, we’ve discussed this before, but it always merits, in my view, fresh reconsideration. And so let me add, I think, an important caveat: The sociopath doesn’t necessarily feel he has the “right” to what he’s pursuing, or planning to take.
Rather, he doesn’t feel he needs the right. He just needs the want.
Simply wanting what he wants, with or without the right to it, meets his standard for laying claim to his quarry.
Because after all, you may ask the sociopath, “Did you have a ”˜right’ to take that? To steal it?” And he may answer, with intellectual honesty, “No. I realize, intellectually, that I had no right to what I took.”
Which gets to the nub, the essence, of his condition: His” right” to what he wanted wasn’t relevant, didn’t even enter his thinking; rather, his wanting it was the sole factor necessary to support his comfortable, non-conflictual pursuit of it.
To sum up, the sociopath’s disordered essence is captured best in his pattern of taking, without remorse, what intellectually he may very well know doesn’t belong to him—he has no right to it—yet he takes it anyway.
To be clear: when I say that the sociopath intellectually can understand he may lack the “right” to what he’s taking, I’m not suggesting that he lacks a sense of entitlement. Quite the contrary: his sense of entitlement is all the more astounding for his intellectual awareness that he may lack the “right” to what he wants, yet still takes it. In doing so, he is exhibiting self-entitlement, and attitudes of contempt, in their gaudiest, most audacious forms.
One always must beware of oversimplifying complicated concepts. The sociopath’s disorder is complex on many levels. Yet on some levels the sociopath’s mentality isn’t so complicated at all. In some respects it’s pretty simple.
In this article I suggest the sociopath is, essentially, that strange, disconcerting, disruptive individual with a history, and pattern, of taking from others what doesn’t belong to him with an impoverished sense of shame and remorse. When you confront an individual with this history and pattern, you are dealing with a sociopath.
What he takes, and even how he takes it, are less relevant considerations that that he takes, with no right.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Hurtnomore,
Talk to the financial aid counselor at your school. Are you still receiving emotional counseling through the school? Maybe your counselor can help you make sense of this as well. Just take control of your own life and work hard. You have about got a year and a half of college under your belt, so you are well on your way! Good luck! (((hugs))))
Dear Hurt,
I agree with Oxy 100%. It is not their responsibility to pay for your college, and they have a right to monitor their investment, as controlling as this is. I would have killed for parents who paid for my education, even if it did come with the ‘golden noose’. As it were, my narcissistic parents did not give me a penny for college nor did they know (or care) what I was studying. They never even knew what my major was! I was able to put myself through college and the first 2 years of grad school with work, work-study, grants, scholarships, and loans. If you are really motivated to finish college, talk to a financial counselor and let them help you. It’s hard but it can be done, even if it takes a little longer. Plus it just feels so good knowing you can take care of yourself and you don’t need your parents to support you.
Dear Hurt – i completely disagree about him having a right to monitor what classes you are taking. If you flunked out then he would have a ‘right’ to not further fund. it’s all control crap.
(and star if you really knew what this is like – you would not wish for it.)
the best way out is to cut all ties with these fruit bats. I am serious – you have no idea how this crap is going to effect you for the rest of your life. Find help in all the ways others are suggesting – and don’t worry about ‘going back home’ – it really isn’t an option.
Yes, it does sound like the parents are controlling with their money, but unfortunately, it is their right because it is their money that they worked for. I don’t know many parents who just give their kids $40,000 and say, “Okay, do whatever you want with it.” Usually there are strings attached. You have to have a certain major, or you have to get certain grades. Some are more controlling than others.
On the flip side, there are so many kids who do not appreciate the value of an education and throw their parents’ money away by partying and flunking out of school.
I understand what you’re saying, One. I had the opportunity to marry a few very wealthy men who were controlling with their money. I couldn’t imagine living like that, so I opted out. I’d rather be poor than live in a gilded cage.
It IS possible to get through college without your parents’ help. I did it, so I know it can be done. It might take a little longer, but there is nothing like that feeling of accomplishment when you know you can do something like that yourself.
My understanding is that it’s hard to find a college where you can get a degree for $40,000 these days. Tuition inflation has outpaced almost every single other thing you can buy. It has left most college graduates in debt that they can’t get out of because of the job market.
When it comes to spathy parental units, my motto is: treat it like a business relationshit. Don’t take anything personal, but don’t let them know it. Be cordial, but grey rock. Learning how to deal with personality disordered people is a great tool to have at a young age. I wish I had learned it earlier.
hurtnomore, you are going to have to find out what you are legally entitled to. If it’s part of the parents’ divorce settlement that says he has to pay for your college education, then find out if there is a way to collect on that. Failing that, you need to become independent so you become eligible for loans and grants.
HURTNOMORE,
I’m guessing that you’re saying your father must pay your tuition because it’s “required by the state” — I suspect it’s actually it’s in your parents divorce decree. My son’s father used to use the same language – that his visitation wwas “required by the state”. Your father, via his divorce decree, is required to pay your tuition. But you’re not required to accept it.
Like Oxy and others here, I paid my own tuition as well. You may have to go through a step to be considered an emancipated minor, which means sort of divorcing from your parents, otherwise, their assets are considered your assets and you won’t get financial aid. If you are on your own, an emancipated minor, you *WILL* get financial aid.
My parents never offered to pay for my colllege. They gave me some shitty luggage, and dropped me off at school. I was not welcome back, ever. I was 17. I was depressed, suicidal, and anorexic. But I made it. I got counseling for myself, and I put myself through school, and I never went home. I’m now a mom, gladly paying my kids tuition, and gladly telling them I love them every day, because I do.
As hard as it was to be on my own at age 17, I thank god I didn’t ever go home, because home was toxic for me, and it sounds like it is toxic for you.
HURT, I would be glad to reach out off this site via Donna, or on this site, or whatever you need to help you sort through this and figure out what to do.
You do not have to be a victim.
Superkid10
Skylar
It’s an interesting assertion – you do seem to attract spaths – but is it attract or simply recognize them?
I take the train every day.
I make mental groups of people. When there is a group of 25ish, I tell myself, one person in this group might be a spath.
When I see about 100 people, I tell myself there is definitely ONE SPATH in this group of people.
I am always amazing myself looking at people this way. I want to stay alert. Not everybody is trusthworthy, like me.
Our spath last night really triggered me. I was upset all night realizing the extent of his duplicity. I really want to HURT the f’er. I have no outlet for this anger.
SK
You’re right SK,
I used to call them “wierdos”, because they would come up to me out of the blue and get in my space. But now I call them spaths because love bombing a stranger is a red flag.
Sk – I have been feeling particularly homicidal for the past week myself.
Wanna go break something together?
beer bottles? legs?
i know it’s about alllll the unresolved stuff with the n sire; and the shape mom is in – which i strongly suspect has to do with his neglect. (I told a counselor today: yes, it is devastating to lose your wife, and yes it is very exhausting and hard to take care of someone with dementia, but he is STILL A NARCISSIST and it is ALWAYS about him.)
ONE
I need a better channel.
Or a distraction. Like comedy.
SK