The “sociopath,” boiled down, is someone who routinely does, and takes, what he wants, unconcerned with the impact of his behavior on others. Nothing in my mind defines his essence more than this concise, factual description. He is rather unique, and thus diagnosable as a sociopath, to this precise extent.
Sure, we’ve discussed this before, but it always merits, in my view, fresh reconsideration. And so let me add, I think, an important caveat: The sociopath doesn’t necessarily feel he has the “right” to what he’s pursuing, or planning to take.
Rather, he doesn’t feel he needs the right. He just needs the want.
Simply wanting what he wants, with or without the right to it, meets his standard for laying claim to his quarry.
Because after all, you may ask the sociopath, “Did you have a ”˜right’ to take that? To steal it?” And he may answer, with intellectual honesty, “No. I realize, intellectually, that I had no right to what I took.”
Which gets to the nub, the essence, of his condition: His” right” to what he wanted wasn’t relevant, didn’t even enter his thinking; rather, his wanting it was the sole factor necessary to support his comfortable, non-conflictual pursuit of it.
To sum up, the sociopath’s disordered essence is captured best in his pattern of taking, without remorse, what intellectually he may very well know doesn’t belong to him—he has no right to it—yet he takes it anyway.
To be clear: when I say that the sociopath intellectually can understand he may lack the “right” to what he’s taking, I’m not suggesting that he lacks a sense of entitlement. Quite the contrary: his sense of entitlement is all the more astounding for his intellectual awareness that he may lack the “right” to what he wants, yet still takes it. In doing so, he is exhibiting self-entitlement, and attitudes of contempt, in their gaudiest, most audacious forms.
One always must beware of oversimplifying complicated concepts. The sociopath’s disorder is complex on many levels. Yet on some levels the sociopath’s mentality isn’t so complicated at all. In some respects it’s pretty simple.
In this article I suggest the sociopath is, essentially, that strange, disconcerting, disruptive individual with a history, and pattern, of taking from others what doesn’t belong to him with an impoverished sense of shame and remorse. When you confront an individual with this history and pattern, you are dealing with a sociopath.
What he takes, and even how he takes it, are less relevant considerations that that he takes, with no right.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
one/joy_step_at_a_time
LOL SK – 🙂
i have developed a dark humor since the spath, and as of late the sarcasm is becoming a buddy, too.
i cannot count the number of times i use the word ‘punch’ and phrases like, ‘someone is going to die’, in a week. it’s not particularly healthy for me as it feeds my anger and makes me sound unsavory. but i really do want to punch something. like my spath. my n sire – i just want to sue him.
Alina
Hello, everyone — Im glad is a new week, pretty soon a new month… I dislike Sept and now Oct… I hope I like November… heck any month from now on without the Spath will be a good month. 7 weeks of NC and counting. I have been in an emotional roller coaster… mostly hormonal… I had a miscarriage yesterday ( I was 8 weeks, however, my baby stopped growing at 4) — I am sure God knows what he is doing. I remember feeling happy no matter what was happening to me, thats how I knew I was pregnant, then sometime last week, I stopped feeling happy, the glow was gone, I knew something was up but it wasnt confirmed until last Friday with an ultrasound… the doctor said it was abnormal chromosomes. At least now, I wont be related in any way with the Spath.
jeannie812
To Bellaangel
I need to be more like my neighbor Dana. She is Pollyanna. She lets everything roll off her back. It maddens me to no end, but hey, she doesn’t have the stress that the rest of us have.
Louise
Alina:
I am so sad to hear about your miscarriage, but yes, on the good side of it, you will no longer be tied to the spath the rest of your life due to a child and thank God for that. Hugs to you today…
MiLo
Alina ~
I am so very sorry, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Take kind care of yourself. You are correct, things usually happen for a reason.
God bless
Ox Drover
Dear Alina,
I have written two or three sentences—over and over and over–to try to find words to comfort you…and I cannot find the appropriate words. Just know that I pray for you and your baby at this time. God bless.
Shalom
Alina:
I send you the warmest hug and dearest words of comfort. Although it would be from a stranger outside of this blog, inside here it is from a caring friend. Shalom
coping
Dearest Alina,
I have no words for you…accept I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself. I am convinced now more than ever that God/the universe works in mysteriouse ways! I realize that doesn’t provide you with much comfort now but maybe in time….
God bless!
purewaters3
Sorry Alina. I had a baby with the spath, and it was very difficult emotionally for me. I am not sure if I have completely emotionally digested the violation, victimization, and the abandonment with the pregnancy and birth totally. But, I have a lot of days now where I feel relieved to have had this outcome – being able to get away with the baby safetly, so to speak.
Now, things are better because I am stable with the kids, because my ex-husband stepped up to help me through the pregnancy, and we reconciled to save our family (we have a daughter together); my ex-husband also has taken on my son (from the spath) as his own.
If I hadn’t had help, I worry what would’ve happened. I was so determined to keep my child, because I’d lost eveything else due to being with the spath, and was just bent on believing that God would help me in some way to put things together enough to make it through. I’m lucky, because it might not have turned out so well.
I could’ve been a single mom of 2 kids, with a broken soul, mind, heart..
I don’t know what your situation is like, but I can tell you that the road in my pregnancy was like walking on hot coals and broken glass the entire way. It took me everything I had to stay alive, keep my sanity, etc. It is so deeply sad and hurtful, not to mention, never recieving an ounce of help or concern from the spath to help with the baby. There are just no words to describe the helplessness. Then there was the constant presence of total fear for my life and for my son – the realization that the spath could potentially have my infant son in his company unsupervised was enough to drive me to the brink of sanity.
I still fear the return of my spath. I still harbor a lot of anger, and only recently have I come to peace about worrying that my son will turn out like his spath dad.
I hope you let yourself cry and get better in this really nightmare of a time, but know that God is in control, and in time, spath wounds do start to heal.
Alina
Thank you all for your kind comments — I have to believe that God has a better plan for me, there has to be more, it just seems unfair that while I was with the Spath I had nothing and when I finally walked away, I walked away with nothing. It seems that everything works out for the Spath, always. I dont want to fill my heart with hate as he does not deserve any emotions from me. I much rather not acknowledge his existance. His day will come.