The “sociopath,” boiled down, is someone who routinely does, and takes, what he wants, unconcerned with the impact of his behavior on others. Nothing in my mind defines his essence more than this concise, factual description. He is rather unique, and thus diagnosable as a sociopath, to this precise extent.
Sure, we’ve discussed this before, but it always merits, in my view, fresh reconsideration. And so let me add, I think, an important caveat: The sociopath doesn’t necessarily feel he has the “right” to what he’s pursuing, or planning to take.
Rather, he doesn’t feel he needs the right. He just needs the want.
Simply wanting what he wants, with or without the right to it, meets his standard for laying claim to his quarry.
Because after all, you may ask the sociopath, “Did you have a ”˜right’ to take that? To steal it?” And he may answer, with intellectual honesty, “No. I realize, intellectually, that I had no right to what I took.”
Which gets to the nub, the essence, of his condition: His” right” to what he wanted wasn’t relevant, didn’t even enter his thinking; rather, his wanting it was the sole factor necessary to support his comfortable, non-conflictual pursuit of it.
To sum up, the sociopath’s disordered essence is captured best in his pattern of taking, without remorse, what intellectually he may very well know doesn’t belong to him—he has no right to it—yet he takes it anyway.
To be clear: when I say that the sociopath intellectually can understand he may lack the “right” to what he’s taking, I’m not suggesting that he lacks a sense of entitlement. Quite the contrary: his sense of entitlement is all the more astounding for his intellectual awareness that he may lack the “right” to what he wants, yet still takes it. In doing so, he is exhibiting self-entitlement, and attitudes of contempt, in their gaudiest, most audacious forms.
One always must beware of oversimplifying complicated concepts. The sociopath’s disorder is complex on many levels. Yet on some levels the sociopath’s mentality isn’t so complicated at all. In some respects it’s pretty simple.
In this article I suggest the sociopath is, essentially, that strange, disconcerting, disruptive individual with a history, and pattern, of taking from others what doesn’t belong to him with an impoverished sense of shame and remorse. When you confront an individual with this history and pattern, you are dealing with a sociopath.
What he takes, and even how he takes it, are less relevant considerations that that he takes, with no right.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
oxy – Lot’s of good wisdom in what you just said, gnite…and thanx
Hens:
Awwww, hugs to you 🙂
sisterhood, i really appreciated your October 9, 2011 at 10:00 pm post. xo
Dearest LF’s- I have just read your kind, wise and supporting posts from last night. Thank you so much for “being there” and sharing. No this is not easy but I know if so many others can do it so can I. No one said it was going to be easy. I am so thankful I found LF and grateful for all of the wonderful people who share. I’m sorry we are all here but glad we made it here. So many people don’t.
I’m still not 100% but I know life is not going to stop..resumes, resumes, resumes…babysteps day by day can add up. They just have to!
Sky- I can relate to the “mask”..in this way I also feel lucky, at leatse with respect to my mother.
Ox- Yes money or lack of it cannot take away the things in life that are truely priceless!!
Hens- Yes, soemtimes it’s just time to let go and start living this new life. It just seems so hard, painful and lonely at times. Sometimes I just think “something has just got to give”. I guess thats where patience comes into play. I’m sorry your spath still “visits” you in your dreams. Mine still finds a way to lurk in there as well. (((Hugs)))
Katydid,
Thanks so much for your insight and kind words.
As Sky said – working on ourselves , who we are to be , where we land, recovering financially, keeping our kids in the right path – it is all so difficult while trying to recover and still being abused during the divorce process.
My darling son came home Saturday morning from his Friday overnight with his dad. Son was so ornery and discontent – often the case when he comes home but even moreso. I couldn’t do anything to get him to shake it off and it was ruining our weekend together.
I noticed he left his phone home when we were out and his dad wasn’t calling a bazillion times a day.
So last night, before bed, he shared that his dad was down at the Jersey shore for the weekend with OW and her daughter.
To add to it – he was at the same beach we vacationed as a family.
Spath took my son for 7 weeks this summer and did NOTHING with him that would remotely qualify as FUN – not one lousy day or even an afternoon.
I was so proud of son when he told his dad how annoyed he was that he would go have fun with OW and her daughter yet not take the time with him. I thought this was a sign of progress for my kid to be able to speak up – respectfully and share his feelings. Of course, N/S made every excuse in the world – he really didn’t want to go, he didn’t make the plans or pay for the trip – yada, yada – typical BS.
This is so hard to witness- my daughter went through it and now it’s my son’s turn. But I know he needs to see it all for himself – and unfortunately experience the emotional and psychological pain that goes with it all. He needs to really SEE his dad for who he is.
N/S was supposed to replace the outside lights on the house for our daughter who is on crutches and coming home in the dark – for 3 weeks now. No time I guess- too busy down the shore having a good time – AND HE HAD THE NERVE TO TELL MY SON !!!! — oh – the weather is like summer – and the pools are open — and it’s 50’s week – all the old cars you like – and the beach is lovely !!!!
OMG – my son went to sleep crying big rolley tears !!!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE MEN ??
Dear Newlife,
It hurts DOUBLY when we see our children (or others we love) hurt by the psychopath’s neglect or active malice….but unfortunately, shielding our kids from the pain actually does them a disservice because they aren’t able to LEARN from the pain.
Back when I ironed everything (sheets,, pillow cases etc) my kids were toddlers (How on earth did I have time to IRON MY SHEETS when I had toddlers?! LOL) Anyway, my kids were always reaching for the iron cord so one day I got an idea….I turned it down so it was PRETTY WARM but not hot enough to blister them, just to cause discomfort (I checked it on the inside of my own arm first) then I LET THEM TOUCH IT…and said HOT!!!! HOT!!!!! Of course they quickly pulled back, but they had had “HOT” DEFINED FOR THEM SO THEY WOULD REMEMBER IT! Never again did they reach for the iron. In fact, if I didn’t want them to touch something I would just point at it and say HOT!!!! and they’d leave it alone!
So I think letting your son experience the disappointment and to feel the sadness/anger toward his father is actually a healing lesson. You can of course lead him to understand that his father’s behavior has nothing to do with HIM being inadequate but is all about his father’s CHOICES. Who knows, maybe these painful feelings and the lessons to go with them will prevent your son from marrying a psychopath himself! It may prevent a lot of MORE SERIOUS BURNS LATER….so a pain now may teach a lasting lesson of even greater significance. Your son is fortunate to have you for a mother! (((hugs))))
newlife08
I am sorry for what your children are exposed to. I had to resolve the pain of knowing I put my beautiful child into harms way by forcing her into connection with my spath. Your innocent kids are being forced into an extremely vulnerable exposure with your spath. I am so sad b/c I know the harm that exposure to an spath can do that effects their whole life. They have NO defense.
Sounds like your spath has a new victim. Can you eliminate him out of your lives? It’s hard for the kids to lose a dad but as you know, if he is indeed an spath he’s no dad. He’s a soul killer and there’s no greater pleasure for a soul killer than to attack your child’s soul and have you endure it with no way to stop it.
I am sorry but it’s been so long I don’t remember your particulars. Are you divorced? If so, what visitation rights does he have? Sad as it is, actually the less he’s involved, the better for your kids.
As for the lightbulbs, it’s time for you to have your own little victories. The more you try to make him be a decent person, the more power you give him to harm you. So…YOU screw in your own lightbulbs, take charge and cut that particular power game where he has the ability to withhold and harm. By doing the lightbulbs, you’ve neutralized ONE mindfark game. That’s your strategy from now on, to neutralize his mindfark games. Maybe someday, when he’s “moved on”, you won’t have to deal with any more mindfark games.
In the meanwhile, be the one your kids turn to, but do NOT talk bring him or what he’s doing or how he’s making YOU feel up to them, do not point out his mindfarks. Yes, you know the meanings of his crap, like the seashore holiday destination, but shield your children from all you can. Do what you can to keep his poison away from them b/c any moments of not knowing or thinking of his betrayals means less pain for them. I know there will be times you want to vent but never do it around your children b/c that doubly harms them, their dad is spath and they need you to hold yourself emotionally together and strong. This is your burden, as all mothers will take on any pain to protect their children.
Abandonment in the case of spaths, is a BLESSING.
There is help online here, read all by Liane Leedom. I was too late finding help for my child but you aren’t. Empower yourself with knowledge and strategies.
newlife-I’m sad for your son that he had to go throught that. It is better though that he sees his behavior and is angered by it himself. N/S are so bad about ignoring their children. I know my N did the same. He was about appearances and wanted me to think that he and his daughter had this great relationship, but I heard that he just ignored her. I was OW at the time and he got mad at her for calling him one day when he had taken the day off to hang with me on my birthday. I told him that I didn’t have a problem with him talking to her and encouraged him to do so. He didn’t want to hear that from me. They really suck, and it’s bad enough that they treat their spouses/lovers/partners badly, but to do it to their kids is so much worse.
This is a bit off and I can’t remember which thread gambling and risks were being discussed but I have a question. Disordereds often use drugs. Mine did and I have a hard time understanding the reasoning if their brains are wired different. how Can cocaine and otger stimulants provide euphoria when they are incapable of feelings and emotions? Is it the drugs which MUST create feelibgs since they arent able naturally on their own? Do drugs provide false temporary feelibgs in which they often long for anyway?
Recovering
When doing drugs, they are not feeling EMOTIONS. They are feeling pleasure. My spath loved orgasms (ultimate pleasure) but he’s rather have skipped the sex (he used sex for control, not for connection. They don’t FEEL connection.) They are quite aware that people are controlled by Emotional Feelings. Spaths do not LONG for Emotional feelings, rather the absence of feelings makes them feel powerful, they are unencumbered by empathetic emotions and therefore not restricted by a moral/ethical response. What they are envious (a shallow/neg emotion) of is that we can feel PLEASURE from our emotional feelings. And feeling Pleasure is their focus, NOT emotional feelings. Thus they are envious that we can derive feeling pleasure from something they can’t. Sometimes such envy makes them very very angry.