The “sociopath,” boiled down, is someone who routinely does, and takes, what he wants, unconcerned with the impact of his behavior on others. Nothing in my mind defines his essence more than this concise, factual description. He is rather unique, and thus diagnosable as a sociopath, to this precise extent.
Sure, we’ve discussed this before, but it always merits, in my view, fresh reconsideration. And so let me add, I think, an important caveat: The sociopath doesn’t necessarily feel he has the “right” to what he’s pursuing, or planning to take.
Rather, he doesn’t feel he needs the right. He just needs the want.
Simply wanting what he wants, with or without the right to it, meets his standard for laying claim to his quarry.
Because after all, you may ask the sociopath, “Did you have a ”˜right’ to take that? To steal it?” And he may answer, with intellectual honesty, “No. I realize, intellectually, that I had no right to what I took.”
Which gets to the nub, the essence, of his condition: His” right” to what he wanted wasn’t relevant, didn’t even enter his thinking; rather, his wanting it was the sole factor necessary to support his comfortable, non-conflictual pursuit of it.
To sum up, the sociopath’s disordered essence is captured best in his pattern of taking, without remorse, what intellectually he may very well know doesn’t belong to him—he has no right to it—yet he takes it anyway.
To be clear: when I say that the sociopath intellectually can understand he may lack the “right” to what he’s taking, I’m not suggesting that he lacks a sense of entitlement. Quite the contrary: his sense of entitlement is all the more astounding for his intellectual awareness that he may lack the “right” to what he wants, yet still takes it. In doing so, he is exhibiting self-entitlement, and attitudes of contempt, in their gaudiest, most audacious forms.
One always must beware of oversimplifying complicated concepts. The sociopath’s disorder is complex on many levels. Yet on some levels the sociopath’s mentality isn’t so complicated at all. In some respects it’s pretty simple.
In this article I suggest the sociopath is, essentially, that strange, disconcerting, disruptive individual with a history, and pattern, of taking from others what doesn’t belong to him with an impoverished sense of shame and remorse. When you confront an individual with this history and pattern, you are dealing with a sociopath.
What he takes, and even how he takes it, are less relevant considerations that that he takes, with no right.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
one/joy_step_at_a_time
recovering – wrote to you over on the fake baby thread
skylar
Katy,
very well and succinctly said.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
nice job katy!!
ElizabethBennett
Katy-great post about the drugs and you are right on-as well as with the feelings. My narcissist next door told me that not allowing herself to feel emotions made her more powerful and tough. To me it just makes you scary.
newlife08
I did in fact by the bulbs yesterday – went to the Home depot , found the right fixture and read how to replace the bulbs. They are Halogen and a face plate and guard have to come off to get into the receptacle – all to ward off burglars from disarming your lights.
Last night I got the de-humidifier working again.
Now I just have to deal with the lawn-mower before it gets any higher.
I have always been an independant person – something I think the N resented really . He said I didn’t need him -my answer was no – I don’t NEED you – I want you in my life – isn’t that better than being NEEDED ?
He needed me to keep his life together but didn’t DESIRE me to be a part of his life- which is why he had so many secret lives behind the scenes.
And now – he looks, seems and acts happier than ever with his THIRD family – having left 4 of his own children behind and now vacationing with OW and her kids, grandkids- OH God help me – just hate the thought of it all .
Even though my son is only going on 13 he tries so hard to help – such a tender heart I don’t want to see hardened.
Recovering
Katy, right on! Thanks for explaining that I now too understand why sex was so mechanical with my ex. He would just jam me up and thrust like I was some sort of toy. I could have been sleep or awake for all he cared it was only about catching one. He’d often have to finish himself off because I’d be so sore or just simply tired of waiting for him to cum. Sex was always rather boring and painful. they are so selfish and sick. One Joy: I read your response and I also feel like I was conditioned to be supply. I was always the fixer growing up. I’m trying desperately to get out of that now. I want to meet a man who can simply be just that, a man. Someone who will protect me and treat me well. Someone who treats me like a queen and it’s REAL AND EVERLASTING WITH NO SECRETS OR HIDDEN AGENDAS.
Recovering
New life: thank goodness your son didn’t inherit any of the evil traits, that’s such a blessing. Now if you can only continue to instill goodness and compassion in him and help him tounderstand it’s not his fault.
ErinBrock
Newlife;
It’s very rewarding along with empowering to ‘fix’ things around the house! I will tellyou…..there is NOTHING we woman can’t fix! Don’t let the fear stop us!!!!
I talk about this with my gf’s who are recently alone after divorce…..one gf fixed her golf card…..put a new starter in it! After the grease is washed off our hands and we stand back…..we are so proud! This feeling is important for us to continue to believe….that WE CAN DO ANYTHING! It’s empowerment!
Today……i’ve got to replace the hydrolic, thingamagigs that keep my back hatch up in my SUV. They don’t work. I bought the parts last week……and I asked the auto parts guy how to do it……and it’ll be easy! AND MUCH CHEAPER THAN TAKING IT TO A SHOP! POWER BE TO THE WOMAN!!!!!!
In regards to your son……he’ll ‘get it’…..he’s already seeing it all…..it just has to sink in. And it will! Trust in the process darlen!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
recovering – i wrote to you on the fake baby thread:
October 10, 2011 at 11:37 am
Recovering
Hi One Joy that’s the one I read, I’m all over the place sorry but I read it. How have you managed to deprogram? I’m trying but it’s hard and even now in still the fixer. Helping with illness and being everyone’s ear gets overwhelming.