I was recently asked to comment on the sociopath’s “predatory stare,” and my first thought was to play it down somewhat. Not all sociopaths have this stare, or else it would be pretty easy to bust them for the “look.”
On the other hand there’s a form of the “predatory stare” that I want to remark on briefly in this short article that signals my return to the blog, again, on a more regular basis. It is really the “predatory stare,” but masked as the “romantic stare.”
Again, not all sociopaths deploy the “romantic stare,” let’s not kid ourselves. But some do. I’ve worked with many woman (and a few men) who can attest to it, and I’m sure many of you have had experience with it.
What is it? And what is its purpose?
It is an intense stare, a stare of very intense concentration the sociopath fixes on you, whose effect is at once unsettling and stimulating. It isn’t meant so much to be experienced as a “stare” as much as, well, an “experience.”
The sociopath wants you to experience him as experiencing you as the sole concern and interest in his universe. He is transmitting to you what he wants you to experience as his voracious interest in, and concentration on, you.
As I said, one is likely to experience this as both disconcerting and seductive. Why? Well, we are not used to experiencing ourselves as so totally captivating to another. So it’s a somewhat heady, exciting feeling to experience ourselves as engendering, seemingly, such a romantically hypnotic effect on another.
It is safe to say that the sociopath is in his grooming, seductive mode here. The imperturbability and fixity of his gaze is as if communicating, “I am totally into you. Totally. I can’t even take my eyes off you, that’s how totally into you I am.
“Even though what I’m doing, in truth, is a form of my manipulating and controlling you, yet I want you to experience this as a case of your controlling me!
“I want to you to experience me as so enthralled with you, with the magical effect your beauty, voice, face, style has on me, that it’s as if I literally can’t take my voracious, probing eyes off you!
“And so, as I gaze at you with this intense, almost unblinking, laser-like attentiveness, I want you to experience me as helpless to do otherwise. That’s how powerfully, helplessly attracted I want you to experience me as!”
I italicize “as if” because many sociopaths, as we know, are“as if” personalities—often acutely focused on creating the right “effects” to support the perceptions of themselves they’re seeking to establish.
Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful and don’t deserve to be looked at with genuine admiration, maybe even awe. But when that gaze is unbroken, sustained for too long, to the extent that you are feeling uncomfortable with, even if a bit excited by, its intense, probing scrutiny, take heed.
He may be staring into the face a very beautiful woman; you may be staring into the face of a sociopath.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
This completely makes sense for me now. My ex spath didn’t stare at me in an angry way, but I did catch him staring at me as I slept. It happened a few times and I asked him what he was doing and he said, “He didn’t want to close his eyes because he didn’t want to wake up if I was a dream.” He said he couldn’t believe I was really there with him. At the time, I thought it was the most romantic jesture I had ever experienced. Someone was that into me, that in love with me that he couldn’t take his eyes off of me. He just loved me so much that he loved watching me sleep. Now I completely get that it was a tool in his manipulation bag.
Another time, we were at his campground in the middle of the night. We were the only ones there. He stared deep into my eyes and told me to open my mouth. He then blew a deep breath into my mouth and told me to breathe into his. It didn’t feel right, and I pulled away. He said he just wanted us to be a part of each other, to make us one. This is the same guy who was so confused about how he felt about me and didn’t want to be in a relationship.
It is all making so much sense now. I am getting the creeps just thinking about it.
Dear Steve,
I agree with your analysis of the “love look” of the psychopath—but the psychopaths that I have known have also used the “intense stare” as a form of intimidation as well.
I felt as if I was looking into the eyes of “Satan himself,” for lack of a better description.
I’ve had people look at me with an intense angry look, that did not even approach the “LOOK” of the psychopath. I’ve had people so angry with me they wanted to throttle me, but even those “looks” were benign compared to the LOOK of the psychopath.
There was a famous photo (also frequently re-printed) of Charlie Manson as he was arrested and led away with the INTENSE PSYCHOPATHIC LOOK that I am trying to “describe” that I think is THE BEST photograph I have ever seen of THE LOOK. Since Words fail me to describe it, I think to mention that photograph is the best I can do. Good article.
Sisterhood
Please tell me why this is all making sense now. I would like to understand it.
How is it making sense that he didn’t want to be in a relationship and wanted to breathe deep into your mouth. ?
I want to hear the logic.
Superkid
Superkid-It makes sense to me now because that experience was always a little weird to me and I never really understood why. When I heard about the psychopathic stare before, it was always in the context of rage or anger that is evil. I didn’t equate that the stare could also be a “romantic” manipulation.
The breathing in the mouth thing was, I think, his way of trying to have me believe that we were forming some sort of deep bond. When in reality it was just a calculated manipulation. During that time frame, he would repeadedly tell me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. But then he would pull stuff like this to throw me off. It was a total mind f to keep me attached. He never felt anything deep or bonding with me. He would tell me he loved me and that he had loved me for as long as he could remember, but that still didn’t make me good enough to be his girlfriend. He wanted his cake and eat it too. Total manipulation in a very sinister way.
I hope I clarified this for you.
The night I met my x-spath, he was staring at me from across the room. Within minutes of going over and talking to him, I was made uncomfortable by his intense gaze into my eyes.
I not only mistook his stare for deep interest in me, I also mistook my discomfort as a sign there was something wrong with me!
His stare is evident in most pictures of him. Also, in many pictures, he has a look that can best be described as “cat that swallowed the canary” or something to that nature and when you look at him, there is something disturbing about him that is very hard to quantify.
Just to add to this…I think what made that moment of the breathing thing so akward was that is was almost like a set-up. It didn’t happen naturally -like we were kissing and then just playing around. He actually made a minor production out of it. Like I said, it felt really weird. And that memory stayed with me for some reason 17 years later. Hmmm.
He did not want a relationship but you were with him 17 years?
I’m sorry, I never really did tell my story on here so I guess I must come off confusing. I broke it off with him 16 years ago. It was during our time together that this and other more horrible things happened. I just thought that this particular article struck a nerve with me because I never thought of those “staring’ experiences as more proof that he is, indeed, disordered. Now it is more clear than ever that he is disordered.
I”m hoping to get my full story on here soon. There is just so much to cover and I had only, 2 years ago, “Woke Up”. I had no idea that for the 16 years since my experience with my ex spath that I was suffering from CPTSD. I am seeing a therapist who first gave me information about personality disorders and pegged my ex as a NPD. I have since been reassured by Donna, after telling her my story, that my ex is indeed a Sociopath.
All I can say is that I was deeply used and manipulated by him in some very cruel ways. My self esteem was so low and I found myself trauma bonded to him. Again, I had no idea what all these terms were or what the heck was happening to me at the time. I thought, and was made to believe, that it was all my fault. It wasn’t until many years later, after being triggered by a run-in with a mutual friend of my ex spaths, that I really started to suffer a breakdown. I had shoved the experience and the emotions so far down, I never dealt with them in a healthy way. I went and got help immediately after I realized that I was in deep trouble. Through my research on Narcissism, I eventually found LF.
And for that, I am truly grateful.
I always thought that his stare was his love for me, boy was I wrong. I recall the first time he stared at me, I was lying in bed and we were watching TV together, he stared at me and I turned to him and said ‘stop” and covered myself, I felt embarassed because I did not know how and what I felt, should I be flattered, then why was I so uncomfortable ? He laughed, and was very amused. He told me how he loved staring at me, and loved my modesty. I am not sure it was modesty….at the time I did not know what it was. He was always complimenting me, and love bombing me. Months after I accepted his proposal of marriage….he never let up till I said yes. I never knew what this stare was all about till now. I just had a “aha” moment.
Now I need feedback from all of you….not sure if its something you all had encountered. He hated having pictures taken….just simply hated it. If we did take a picture, it was reluctantly. Our wedding pictures where a chore to him, not sure why he hated it so much. Never liked smiling, he was handsome so he always came out good anyway. He always like pictures of him kneeling in front of me, like he adored me. Holding my hand while kissing it, he seemed like such a romantic….my bridesmaids could not get over how nice he was, and how he adored me, and of course how it showed on all the pictures…..little did I know. So does this mean that he hated pictures or reflections like a vampire hates them ?
Sisterhood
Oh my god. I get it now, yes.
I just saw my story in yours. My spath said he loved me too. And felt absolutely no bond.
Geez, I guess I needed you to point this out for me to see it.
Ugh.