I was recently asked to comment on the sociopath’s “predatory stare,” and my first thought was to play it down somewhat. Not all sociopaths have this stare, or else it would be pretty easy to bust them for the “look.”
On the other hand there’s a form of the “predatory stare” that I want to remark on briefly in this short article that signals my return to the blog, again, on a more regular basis. It is really the “predatory stare,” but masked as the “romantic stare.”
Again, not all sociopaths deploy the “romantic stare,” let’s not kid ourselves. But some do. I’ve worked with many woman (and a few men) who can attest to it, and I’m sure many of you have had experience with it.
What is it? And what is its purpose?
It is an intense stare, a stare of very intense concentration the sociopath fixes on you, whose effect is at once unsettling and stimulating. It isn’t meant so much to be experienced as a “stare” as much as, well, an “experience.”
The sociopath wants you to experience him as experiencing you as the sole concern and interest in his universe. He is transmitting to you what he wants you to experience as his voracious interest in, and concentration on, you.
As I said, one is likely to experience this as both disconcerting and seductive. Why? Well, we are not used to experiencing ourselves as so totally captivating to another. So it’s a somewhat heady, exciting feeling to experience ourselves as engendering, seemingly, such a romantically hypnotic effect on another.
It is safe to say that the sociopath is in his grooming, seductive mode here. The imperturbability and fixity of his gaze is as if communicating, “I am totally into you. Totally. I can’t even take my eyes off you, that’s how totally into you I am.
“Even though what I’m doing, in truth, is a form of my manipulating and controlling you, yet I want you to experience this as a case of your controlling me!
“I want to you to experience me as so enthralled with you, with the magical effect your beauty, voice, face, style has on me, that it’s as if I literally can’t take my voracious, probing eyes off you!
“And so, as I gaze at you with this intense, almost unblinking, laser-like attentiveness, I want you to experience me as helpless to do otherwise. That’s how powerfully, helplessly attracted I want you to experience me as!”
I italicize “as if” because many sociopaths, as we know, are“as if” personalities—often acutely focused on creating the right “effects” to support the perceptions of themselves they’re seeking to establish.
Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful and don’t deserve to be looked at with genuine admiration, maybe even awe. But when that gaze is unbroken, sustained for too long, to the extent that you are feeling uncomfortable with, even if a bit excited by, its intense, probing scrutiny, take heed.
He may be staring into the face a very beautiful woman; you may be staring into the face of a sociopath.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
superkid10
Oxy you were very tough in dealing with your egg donor. You put it in his face. Nice job.
dancingnancies
Bang on Steve. well articulated.
empty51
Hi, New here but “The stare” grabbed me. Funny how the first stare you think it’s deep interest, like in a romance novel.
Then you trap yourself for 11 yrs in hell. Other places I have seen the stare (which now gives me the creeps) BLAH! Yesterday I was able to out stare him, from a distance but he broke first. Not how I want to spend my life. Final divorce is near but is making me more fearful and nuts. I have a list from over a eleven year period I watched the same stare come from that scarey face.
1. parking lots-when someone else got the good spot 1st
2. when his dinner was on the stove,I was planning a shower
3. when he asked for mashed potatoes and I didn’t make them
4. when a good friend of his did things he didn’t like
5. when his Mom would talk about his abuse of his sister
6. when a shrink said something wrong.LMAO
7. when he didn’t win in Domestic relations court (to the judge)
8.innocent people on the hwy he didn’t care for the way they drove.
9. when his Mom retrieved him the wrong tool she was 79yrs
I could go on and on. Scared about the divorce he stalked me for 4 1/2 yrs stole my dead Moms belongings for control ran over my 21 yr old cat that he loved in a rage. stayed with him Jez needed 24 hr care,brought him to every shrink in town.then he manipulated me to go to christian shrinks..Like a fool I thought since he was a diagnosed spath they would help me!
Boy was I wrong now I need to heal from christian shrink and clergy abuse. BTW Iam a believer. It is my faith that keeps me standing. Little wobbly today. Thanks for being here!
Ox Drover
Dear Empty51,
Welcome to Love Fraud, but sorry you NEED to be here. There is some great support here and it will help you heal. Because the bloggers here have been through the sort of abuse you mentioned. WE DO BELIEVE you.
I’m glad that you are getting away from him and sorry that the “christian” shrink and clergy abuse happened. I also had such abuse and many of us here have. They pretend to be believers but they are using that as a “cover” and a “mask” to cover the fact that they are really EVIL.
Jesus said that there would be WOLVES in sheep’s clothing and He was definitely right about that. Believe me, they are much much worse than those who we can SEE are evil, because they hide behind false “love.”
Again, welcome to LoveFraud and God bless. Lots to read here that will help.
skylar
Empty51,
welcome. You will find support here.
I too, am a believer but the clergy has left me in the cold.
The first priest I went to, told me that there are no evil people and anyways, it was my fault for living in sin. When I mentioned that I hadn’t had sex for 15 years, he was aghast! “You mean, you have been living as brother and sister?” He asked, astonished. Yeah, so? And BTW why is it so hard for a CATHOLIC PRIEST to believe I could choose celibacy? WTF?
The next priest, I approached with the question: “do you believe evil exists in people?”
“Oh definitely!” he replied. Then I proceeded to tell him what had happened to me. Before I could finish, he ran out of the room exclaiming, “I’m just a poor parish priest!”
The third priest, just sat there looking at me and at the very end, offered no comment except to refer me to Catholic Services for therapy. The therapist was either a spath or he was gray rocking me….
It seems only people on LF understand.
blondblueeyes
I know that stare, he drove down me street, and I felt him look me up from my feet to my head, it felt, to me at the time, he couldnt keep his eyes off me, wanted me, it felt to me so good, turned out that he just managed to get me in bed for another 8 months, leading me on with never say never, than just dumped me like I was nothing. Cos his money tree for his pokie addition was down his drive way. He had no guts to change, no guts, to tell her I have been seeing my ex feo, to scared to come back, and to stop his addictions, easyer, to pick me up have his way and hope that I would just drop off the end of the earth. So do be awear of the look
darwinsmom
Empty 51,
Welcome. You will find support here!
BBE,
“Cos his money tree for his pokie addition was down his drive way. He had no guts to change, no guts, to tell her I have been seeing my ex feo, to scared to come back, and to stop his addictions, easyer, to pick me up have his way and hope that I would just drop off the end of the earth. So do be awear of the look ”
I know it may sound harsh, but here I think you give a spath too much human motivations:
Spaths have no social fear. Spaths don’t change, because they don’t see a reason to change. They feel they are superior to everyone else, and everybody else with feelings is lesser. Their narcism makes them think that they are right, and everybody else is wrong. So, there is no reason whatsoever for them to change. It has nothing to do with “having no guts to change”.
It’s not a given he won’t tell her at some point that he’s been with you. If he does, he will tell her to hurt her. When he doesn’t tell her, it’s because it doesn’t fit into his plans for the moment.
He does not come back, because he does not need to. He dumped you, found a new toy to exploit, and just came around to you again to check whether you’re still in his power to do with whatever he likes. You proved to him you still were at a beckon’s call, and he got bored, so he dropped you again.
Just like he sees no reason to change, he sees no reason to stp any addictions. This man is empty, has no inner life, except for rage, hate and contempt at everything we consider beautiful in life. It’s a pretty boring state for someone to have only a shallow emotional life, without any depth and richness. Drugs though evoke mental and physical sensations to make it appear to the spath that something is happening inside them.
For the same reasons they hunt for victims to toy with their emotions – to keep the boredom away – they do drugs.
BBE, I’m sorry if my above words hurt. But it sounds to me that you still somehow believe this man is someone you want, that you want him back; that he is somehow a person with empathy and deeper feelings, worthwhile being with. I’m sorry he hurt you. I’m sorry he used you. I’m sorry this happened to you. Now please, free yourself, and learn to see that he is heartless.
superkid10
Skylar. Your story about the three priests made me laugh out loud! Holy cow that is a really funny story! Im sure it wasn’t funny at the time. It just goes to show you that the clergy is really unprepared for a scope of work much beyond their direct religious responsibilities. When I suffered anorexia as a teenager my abusive mother dropped me off for counseling w my local priest. He just looked at me blankly and told me things would get better soon. Ridiculous.
Superkid
darwinsmom
Superkid and Skylar,
I’m not religious and never have been raised in a religion. I’ve known some national examples of priests who grew into social caretakers out of their profession, but they are few. I suspect most enter from a religious and spiritual calling, but within christian religion, that means a calling to serve God and spread his word. I suspect most regard the bible sufficient to deal with life’s problems. I do believe people can gain a lot of solace from reading wisdoms of their chosen religion, but I doubt it is enough by itself to deal with the psychologically complex mind, especially when it’s in a chronic state of alarm. Before a priest can be of any counseling help on mental and emotional issues, he must therefore accept that the word of God is not enough to heal the deep wounds within an individual and have an interest to specialise in psychology, psychiatry or social care on top of his religious calling. And even then.
People with a calling to help humanity on a mental and emotional level are more likely to study the latter over a religious calling, which may come later in life. And we already know that many of those are not even equipped to deal with trauma over spaths and narcs.
skylar
Superkid,
It’s comical now, in retrospect, but when it happened I just wanted to cry. Catholicism is a joke. As your own experience attests, the priests are not trained to deal with the realities of life. They are trained to pass the collection basket.
Sorry so cynical, but you know why.