I was recently asked to comment on the sociopath’s “predatory stare,” and my first thought was to play it down somewhat. Not all sociopaths have this stare, or else it would be pretty easy to bust them for the “look.”
On the other hand there’s a form of the “predatory stare” that I want to remark on briefly in this short article that signals my return to the blog, again, on a more regular basis. It is really the “predatory stare,” but masked as the “romantic stare.”
Again, not all sociopaths deploy the “romantic stare,” let’s not kid ourselves. But some do. I’ve worked with many woman (and a few men) who can attest to it, and I’m sure many of you have had experience with it.
What is it? And what is its purpose?
It is an intense stare, a stare of very intense concentration the sociopath fixes on you, whose effect is at once unsettling and stimulating. It isn’t meant so much to be experienced as a “stare” as much as, well, an “experience.”
The sociopath wants you to experience him as experiencing you as the sole concern and interest in his universe. He is transmitting to you what he wants you to experience as his voracious interest in, and concentration on, you.
As I said, one is likely to experience this as both disconcerting and seductive. Why? Well, we are not used to experiencing ourselves as so totally captivating to another. So it’s a somewhat heady, exciting feeling to experience ourselves as engendering, seemingly, such a romantically hypnotic effect on another.
It is safe to say that the sociopath is in his grooming, seductive mode here. The imperturbability and fixity of his gaze is as if communicating, “I am totally into you. Totally. I can’t even take my eyes off you, that’s how totally into you I am.
“Even though what I’m doing, in truth, is a form of my manipulating and controlling you, yet I want you to experience this as a case of your controlling me!
“I want to you to experience me as so enthralled with you, with the magical effect your beauty, voice, face, style has on me, that it’s as if I literally can’t take my voracious, probing eyes off you!
“And so, as I gaze at you with this intense, almost unblinking, laser-like attentiveness, I want you to experience me as helpless to do otherwise. That’s how powerfully, helplessly attracted I want you to experience me as!”
I italicize “as if” because many sociopaths, as we know, are“as if” personalities—often acutely focused on creating the right “effects” to support the perceptions of themselves they’re seeking to establish.
Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful and don’t deserve to be looked at with genuine admiration, maybe even awe. But when that gaze is unbroken, sustained for too long, to the extent that you are feeling uncomfortable with, even if a bit excited by, its intense, probing scrutiny, take heed.
He may be staring into the face a very beautiful woman; you may be staring into the face of a sociopath.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
darwinsmom:
TBH, change the shes to hes (we are both gay men) and change drugs to drink (although I am certain the x-spath used some drugs as well) and you have a fairly accurate assessment of my x-spath, especially “…this man is empty, has no inner life, except for rage, hate and contempt at everything we consider beautiful in life…” This is something I literally saw firsthand and really need to remember.
You are also correct that it has always been difficult to accept his nature, even though all the evidence is there. He was either very nice to me or very cold to me. This alone is evidence of a very toxic person and I cannot imagine myself or anyone being in a long-term relationship with such a person.
Like many here, my post x-spath days have been very difficult, compounded by an illegal termination from work, open-heart surgery, long-term unemployment, and major depression. OTOH, I am fortunate to have won legal action and a significant monetary award from my former employer, my physical health is 100% recovered and my mental health is much, much better.
Thus, any longing for my x-spath, and I am embarrassed to say they still exist, is merely due to his mirroring and manipulation which made me believe he is somebody he is not. This was compounded by the fact that since him, I have not met anyone matching those “qualities” and far too much time on my hand to think.
I saw something today that is quite relevant and I would like to share:
A wise man was holding audience and told a joke.
All laughed like crazy.
After a moment he told the same joke again and a little less people laughed this time.
He told the same joke again. This time there was no laughter in the crowd.
He smiled and said, “When you cannot laugh on the same joke again and again, then why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again”?
Forget the past and move on.
BBE,
I don’t think our ruminations on the spaths are necessarily just because we miss them. Yes, that does happen for a while for some people. Then there is a very long stage of growth and learning which follows. It has to happen that way because we realize that our very lives were in danger and we need to make sure we learned the lesson we needed to learn.
We become obsessesed with creating a water tight ship that isn’t going to let us drown like we almost did before.
Maybe that is where you are at now. I would think that, because you were attacked on 2 fronts by the spaths, that you would be extra vigilent and determined to learn from the experience. The PTSD must be off the charts for you.
In my situation, I’ve found nothing but spaths in my life. I can’t help but wonder if there is some reason why they gravitate toward me.
Hey BBE,
Have taken note of the shes to hes 🙂 As far as drugss go, alcohol is considered a drug too… but we’re not here for semantics 🙂
I’m now going through the aftermath (unemployment, not illegal termination of work, but an illegal review that destroys my career in the allied schools, and in therapy and realizing I’m having a functioning issue in social circumstances when I feel insecure and unsafe, whereas one could say I used to be fearless)
I understand the issue of the “qualities” and you unable to find them. As I understand it, it’s important to reflect that no normal person (meaning “not personality disordered”) can ever portray such qualities. Only fakers do. One of the books I read immediately after my relationship with the spath ended end of April and I finally realized and accepted what creature he was “women who love psychopaths”. Though not every female vicitm fits the average vicitm profile in the book, it helped to see how my own personality could have been so mightily attracted by him. Of course you’re not female, but perhaps you need to check it out. I know realize that if I feel a sudden attraction to someone based on a few traits, say extraverson and adventurism, that it means they might be in the abnormal range, since I’m already an explicity type on both traits. When it comes to personality traits, checking where you and the ex-spath had commonalities, but he in teh extreme, you can try to attempt to get more healthy preferences.
The lovebombing is of course totally unrealistic. If someone tries to impress me lots in a very short time, pushes for me to think of him in a few days… then I now know that’s a red alert. Normal relationships and normal men don’t lovebomb, and don’t want you to think of them as soon as you close your eyes.
There is one thing that I have accomplished: I do not miss my ex. I feel my stress rising as soon as I think of him vividly. And when I think of him vividly I recall the sleepless nights, the doubts, the pain, etc… I push any positive thought away. I often think of spaths in theory and check for signs in my environment. But in all honesty I hardly think of “him” at all. When I realized what he was, I fully accepted it by choice. The more I considered him as a spath, the more the puzzle fit. And the mask I did fall in love with, lies burried in a mental arctic ocean. In as much as he can be, he’s dead to me. Of course, it’s easier for me to, since I won’t run into him soon. And I hope to have my own appartment at another address, before he has the chance to come ring my doorbell if he ever gets the urge.
My trick to overcome the hormonal addiction and thoughts of him, was to actively remember a super experience in my life where I was happy and joyful all on my own… since I’ve traveled lots, and again this summer, to remote beautiful places in the world, I luckily have plenty of happy backpacker memories where I was awed by nature.
sklar;
In my case you do make a very valid point. When I met the x-spath, that was at the end of a 3-year long nightmare with a sociopathic employer. These two sociopathic “relationships” were then followed by open-heart surgery!
On Friday, I did tell my counselor that I really do need to acknowledge the overwhelming circumstances I faced and that even if I feel that I don’t have any lingering thoughts about the surgery or the employer, the “post-traumatic” effects might still be there. My main issue right now is insomnia, and I am going to a Psychiatrist to address this, and I fully intend to discuss with him PTSD not just due to the x-spath, but the trio of experiences.
Thanks!
darwinsmom;
For some reason, I don’t seem the type of person to get angry and I was never able to must any towards the x-spath or my sociopathic x-employer. I sometimes wish I could, lol.
Skylar –
Maybe they gravitate towards you.
Maybe you gravitate towards them.
Maybe it’s a combination of the two.
Hi I am a newbie to LF. As a matter of fact, I have NEVER posted to a website in my life.
I found this site while looking up sociopath. I am so glad I found it. My story is almost a carbon copy of all the others I have read here. I recently broke-up with my bf of one year, after 2 other tries to end the relationship. It finally got through my thick skull that he is the consumate s-path liar and predator. I found concrete evidence that he had at least one other gf during our year-long “relationship”. Probably more and thats not counting the texting and email “friends”
Of course it all started with the “love bombing”, which at first I thought was so romantic. Now I know it is just a tool for him to get women. He lied so well and so effortlessly. But there was always the little kernel of truth in the lies that made them so believable. Looking back, there were red flags that I ignored and/or didn’t realize until reading LF.
Like many s-paths he was so charming, handsome, adventurous, etc etc etc. I was so enthralled. Little by little, I saw cracks in the fascade. Thats when he would reel me back in. Then he would ignore me. Then the lovebombs would start again. Over and over. That’s how we get so addicted to them.
My “aha” moment? Reading about the STARE. Until I read the article, I was still deluded enough to think that he had really loved me. How else could he look at me so lovingly and so deeply? It was just part of the act, to reel me in.
I know in my head what a creep he is but my heart has some healing to do. It has been a week since I have spoken to him but I still grieve, daily. I KNOW I am not grieving for him, but for the man I thought he was, for the relationship I thought I had, and for the future with him that I thought there would be. I know now that none of that is/was real. But I still grieve.
My ex husb is a Narcississt s-path so you would think I could have spotted an s-path by now. I have learned from LF that I am off the chart an “Empathetic ” and my selfesteem is off the chart the other direction. I am the perfect prey for a s-path.
I have read many articles and posts on LF that have helped me realize the true nature of s-paths. I am determined never to be prey again. Thanks to all who post here. You will never know how much help you give.
Reg;
Congratulate yourself for having the courage to post here. You will find a supportive community who understand the unique aspects of a sociopathic relationship.
Btw, it was an article about the sociopathic stare that first clued me to the nature of the person I had encountered.
Dear Reg,
Welcome to LF— sorry you need to be here, but glad you found your way here since you do need to heal from this creep.
Sounds like you have the “drill down pat”—good job! KNOWLEDGE **IS** POWER, so keep on reading and learning. You may take some backwards steps, but that’s okay too….just do NO CONTACT with him….that will definitely help. Don’t even read his face book or let any of his friends talk to you. It will give your mind time to “unwind” and “regroup”!
Again, welcome here and jump right into the conversations! We do understand what it is like in the wake of the betrayals! God bless.
Reg,
welcome. So sorry about what brought you here.
When I left my spath summer of 2009, I experienced more relief than grief. That’s because we were together for 25 years and the last 15 had become progressively more and more abusive.
Still, your post reminded me that at times, I would cry over what I had believed to be true. Even the abuse was better than knowing that it had all been a lie. This lasted about 6 months.
The more you focus on understanding the disorder of psychopathy, the quicker you will get over him. It’s very helpful to understand the truth. The pain resolves much more quickly. Read read read and learn.
The quote, “the truth will set you free” must’ve been about getting over a spath betrayal.