I was recently asked to comment on the sociopath’s “predatory stare,” and my first thought was to play it down somewhat. Not all sociopaths have this stare, or else it would be pretty easy to bust them for the “look.”
On the other hand there’s a form of the “predatory stare” that I want to remark on briefly in this short article that signals my return to the blog, again, on a more regular basis. It is really the “predatory stare,” but masked as the “romantic stare.”
Again, not all sociopaths deploy the “romantic stare,” let’s not kid ourselves. But some do. I’ve worked with many woman (and a few men) who can attest to it, and I’m sure many of you have had experience with it.
What is it? And what is its purpose?
It is an intense stare, a stare of very intense concentration the sociopath fixes on you, whose effect is at once unsettling and stimulating. It isn’t meant so much to be experienced as a “stare” as much as, well, an “experience.”
The sociopath wants you to experience him as experiencing you as the sole concern and interest in his universe. He is transmitting to you what he wants you to experience as his voracious interest in, and concentration on, you.
As I said, one is likely to experience this as both disconcerting and seductive. Why? Well, we are not used to experiencing ourselves as so totally captivating to another. So it’s a somewhat heady, exciting feeling to experience ourselves as engendering, seemingly, such a romantically hypnotic effect on another.
It is safe to say that the sociopath is in his grooming, seductive mode here. The imperturbability and fixity of his gaze is as if communicating, “I am totally into you. Totally. I can’t even take my eyes off you, that’s how totally into you I am.
“Even though what I’m doing, in truth, is a form of my manipulating and controlling you, yet I want you to experience this as a case of your controlling me!
“I want to you to experience me as so enthralled with you, with the magical effect your beauty, voice, face, style has on me, that it’s as if I literally can’t take my voracious, probing eyes off you!
“And so, as I gaze at you with this intense, almost unblinking, laser-like attentiveness, I want you to experience me as helpless to do otherwise. That’s how powerfully, helplessly attracted I want you to experience me as!”
I italicize “as if” because many sociopaths, as we know, are“as if” personalities—often acutely focused on creating the right “effects” to support the perceptions of themselves they’re seeking to establish.
Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful and don’t deserve to be looked at with genuine admiration, maybe even awe. But when that gaze is unbroken, sustained for too long, to the extent that you are feeling uncomfortable with, even if a bit excited by, its intense, probing scrutiny, take heed.
He may be staring into the face a very beautiful woman; you may be staring into the face of a sociopath.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Survivorlady and All,
No one really knows why these freaks have the little quirks they have. Best ‘guess’, since most all of what they do is about having control and power, is that only HE could say when anything happened.
The spaths I have known want to control everything. If they are in a situation they want to run that situation, and they don’t want any surprises. They want as much control as possible so they can manage their image and effect on the environment.
Sounds like he only wanted pictures that helped prop up his fake persona of the romantic, smitten, devoted man.
One of the guys I know was just like that. He made sure he ‘staged’ everything, so any image that was captured of him made him look like the happiest person alive, who was doing AMAZING things.
He also did all this staring nonsense. I made the mistake that BBE’s did: even though this staring and whatnot made me terribly uncomfortable I thought it was because I was being too uptight and too ‘unevolved’ and uncool. Hanging with spaths brings up all your unresolved junior high school insecurities!!!!
Sisterhood brought up the silly breathing bonding her spath tried to pull. The nutbag I knew did the same kinds of things. Like the first time he ‘let me into’ in bedroom. I had to stand at the threshold and take some silly moment to acknowledge the sacredness of his personal space, and that he was letting me in. I remember feeling crazy uncomfortable.
The point is they always assert control. Not one single one of them I have known hasn’t done this.
Hello all,
Mine had a stare while I was talking with her. She stared at me intently and I stared back at her, like I was trying to memorize her face…Huh..wonder why.
I only saw the mask slip one time. She was coming out of the basement with her laudry and me and husband where walking toward her. The pure hatred in her eyes..made me upset, but what I did was laugh at her. She just soooo Su**ked!..I still can’t stand her. I hope she gets arrested for SOMETHING!!
Superkid,
They never mean they love you. They tell you they love you so they can get close, get what they want, and build up more credentials for their false selves. Period.
Geez, I had Mr. Polyamory telling me he had never been monogamous with anyone. That I was that special someone. That he was interested in getting married, and that had ‘never felt so safe’ with anyone before. His being monogamous for 7 months was ‘proof’ of his love and devotion.
Course that was as long as it lasted, then he needed to go out alone, and started grooming a bunch of other women, without telling me. Even though his own ‘polyamorous creed’ was to be honest and inclusive if another relationship was going to be started.
It was all just another philosophy that he borrowed and used to confuse his victims….so he could get away with murder.
Mine told me that I was the first one who stepped out on his wife with-because he had never met anyone like me in his life and he never connected so completely with anyone. He told me that I was the ONE he was always looking for. It turns out I was the fourth affair that he had on her. If I had known that I wouldn’t have gotten close to him. I fell for the first line above. I won’t touch another man with a ten foot pole. How does a guy do that to a woman, that until that point considered herself a lesbian? Surprise-turns out I still am-so I don’t understand HOW in the world all that happened.
Survivorlady- My ex spath hated when I would take pictures of him. We were in Paris together (another long story) and we were in front of the Louvre. I saw some people and asked them to take a picture of us. My ex spath started an argument with me and was acting like a complete baby because I had asked them to take a picture. There were several other times on that trip where he didn’t want me to take pictures of him. For the longest time I couldn’t understand this. My therapist thinks that it was because he knew that he wasn’t going to stay with me. He was already thinking ahead and had other plans in his mind. He didn’t want any “romantic’ pictures as evidence of his time with me.
Slimone is right. They do all of these crazy making little things to maintain control. Hindsight is 20/20 for me, but at least I can really see it now. It is such a burden lifted from me. Whew!!
As I read the comments from the others on here, I want to throw up.
Sisterhood:
My ex spath did the same *exact* breathing-bonding thing with me that you described in such detail that I wondered if we were actually talking about the same sick man. I can remember looking into his eyes and feeling scared and almost drained, I can’t really explain it. This may sound very strange, but I had thoughts that he looked lizard like, but I also read here some where on LF that they can sometimes have the look of a reptile. I also remember discerning something very troubling about his soul… I don’t want to sound like I’m completely nuts, but I remember thinking that it was ancient… Not in a good “old soul” kind of way, but something sinister was attached to it. I can’t explain it all. He did tell me after this experience with him that I was just a scared little chicken, afraid to let him love me. This was a common theme with him. It was my intuition, I now believe, trying to alert me to the fraud in front of me. I continually allowed this monster to override my intuition. I too have CPTSD, but I had this prior to meeting him. And of course, he did contribute to more trauma.
Survivorlady:
I experienced the same resistance to photos with my ex-spath, too. And like slimone, if he submitted to photos, they were staged, like the ones he took with the birth of our daughter. He wanted to portray himself as the doting, adoring dad. In reality, within days of bringing my little angel home, he threw my ailing, elderly 5 lb dog into another room and pushed me (with a new c-section, thank you) when I went berserk at seeing what he did to my dog. Within a only a few days of being home with my daughter and c-section, he was coming home after work, allowing me to shower, and then surfing till dark every single night. Some adoring dad! Most of the pictures he has allowed to be taken of him did not show him looking directly into the camera. There was always something very strange about his eyes in the few photos that I did take. I’m currently debating if I even save the photos of him with my daughter for her when she’s older. There are some really lovely ones at the beach, but I can’t unknow what I know about him. And I hesitate to show her those staged images of him, portrayed as the loving dad, and not the man who left her uncared for while using drugs and having sex with other women in my bed while I was at work and he was supposed to be watching her. This is turning into a rant! I really need a different therapist who will focus more on the psychological trauma I experienced with this a-hole.
LPMarie13- Oh my God! I have major chills runing up and down my body right now. I’m physically ill. Holy S*#t, This makes it even more real for me. Oh my God I was involved with a Sociopath. I am in tears writing this. I too, tought my ex spaths face looked strange that night of the “breathing”.
He was only 22 years old. How did he learn this? Is this an innate quality? He was a “good” kid. Never got into trouble with the law, had a genious I.Q. and was just a “regular” kid from the neighborhood. He had a horribly dysfunctional home life, but his Sociopathy didn’t show up, (at least that I know of) until his late teens, early twenties. Is this “normal” for the spath to not show signs of “spathy” behavior until they are older?
Yes Marie, the feelings of that night are flooding back to me. I remember being scared by his stare. I even told him that he was creeping me out. At the time, I just thought it was because we were in a dark campground all alone. Did I actually stare evil in the face that night? The chills are so strong right now…
The eye’s don’t lie. He could say ” I love you ‘ with no emotion, same with the eye’s, no emotion, like he was trying to say the things he thought he should, to keep me hooked, but I never felt love when he said it, it was more like ” I got you hooked ‘ big empty look..
However his eye’s did sparkle and I did get that I love you stare when 100% of my attention was going to him and his need’s, BUT his personality or demeanor would also change into that little boy thing…But for the most part his eyes were empty, cold, emotionless, he looked bored most of the time..
I bet he is so happy to be done with me, poor kid..oh wait he is 47 – guess he was a poor kidder…
Hey Hens!