I was recently asked to comment on the sociopath’s “predatory stare,” and my first thought was to play it down somewhat. Not all sociopaths have this stare, or else it would be pretty easy to bust them for the “look.”
On the other hand there’s a form of the “predatory stare” that I want to remark on briefly in this short article that signals my return to the blog, again, on a more regular basis. It is really the “predatory stare,” but masked as the “romantic stare.”
Again, not all sociopaths deploy the “romantic stare,” let’s not kid ourselves. But some do. I’ve worked with many woman (and a few men) who can attest to it, and I’m sure many of you have had experience with it.
What is it? And what is its purpose?
It is an intense stare, a stare of very intense concentration the sociopath fixes on you, whose effect is at once unsettling and stimulating. It isn’t meant so much to be experienced as a “stare” as much as, well, an “experience.”
The sociopath wants you to experience him as experiencing you as the sole concern and interest in his universe. He is transmitting to you what he wants you to experience as his voracious interest in, and concentration on, you.
As I said, one is likely to experience this as both disconcerting and seductive. Why? Well, we are not used to experiencing ourselves as so totally captivating to another. So it’s a somewhat heady, exciting feeling to experience ourselves as engendering, seemingly, such a romantically hypnotic effect on another.
It is safe to say that the sociopath is in his grooming, seductive mode here. The imperturbability and fixity of his gaze is as if communicating, “I am totally into you. Totally. I can’t even take my eyes off you, that’s how totally into you I am.
“Even though what I’m doing, in truth, is a form of my manipulating and controlling you, yet I want you to experience this as a case of your controlling me!
“I want to you to experience me as so enthralled with you, with the magical effect your beauty, voice, face, style has on me, that it’s as if I literally can’t take my voracious, probing eyes off you!
“And so, as I gaze at you with this intense, almost unblinking, laser-like attentiveness, I want you to experience me as helpless to do otherwise. That’s how powerfully, helplessly attracted I want you to experience me as!”
I italicize “as if” because many sociopaths, as we know, are“as if” personalities—often acutely focused on creating the right “effects” to support the perceptions of themselves they’re seeking to establish.
Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful and don’t deserve to be looked at with genuine admiration, maybe even awe. But when that gaze is unbroken, sustained for too long, to the extent that you are feeling uncomfortable with, even if a bit excited by, its intense, probing scrutiny, take heed.
He may be staring into the face a very beautiful woman; you may be staring into the face of a sociopath.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Hey Lizzy – How’s Morris?
His name is Remy and he is adorable and a little naughty. He has taken to climbing up real high and then looking at me like WTF-how do I get down. He also likes to put his paws in my hair and play with it, and then eats my curls. I’m gonna be bald soon!
“There were several other times on that trip where he didn’t want me to take pictures of him. For the longest time I couldn’t understand this. My therapist thinks that it was because he knew that he wasn’t going to stay with me. He was already thinking ahead and had other plans in his mind. He didn’t want any “romantic’ pictures as evidence of his time with me.”
There are no pictures of me and my x-spath. He told me that he did not like to have his picture taken. I was not on FB when I met him, but after the fact I did find him there and there are are many pictures of him. Thus, for whatever reason, he was lying to me.
Interestingly, to this day, his FB profile picture is one taken the day we met… What’s that all about????
Sisterhood,
Some children start acting out very young, but many psychopaths “blossom” out fully at puberty. Most start before age 18, but that doesn’t mean they are CRIMINAL per se, they may keep it under the legal liine, may keep it “relational” and “use” people on a personal level in relationships.
Some may do crimes, stealing, drugs, violence etc. but only a portion of psychiopath are usually criminal in a big way.
Some are WELL MASKED and it is difficult to see the real person behind the mask very often or very easily.
Ox;
You and I both agree that Hare puts much to much emphasis on criminal behavior and juvenile trouble and too little emphasis on interpersonal interaction, honesty, truthfulness and empathy.
BBE, The “definition” of what is truly a (What?–they still haven’t agreed on the name for it yet!) is evolving and hopefully there will be some progress made in the lastest DSM, but I always say a “camel is a horse designed by a committee” everyone has to put their hump on the beast and he comes out lookings pretty crazy and not real functional. We can only wait and see what this next one says.
Committees can’t design much by having to have a concensus, and I think that’s the problem with the DSMs.
Since at this point in science this is an intellectual construct not a disease that can have a blood test done on diagnosing it, there is always going to be some slack in the formal diagnosis.
Hi Oxy,
Plus, there is the very legitimate objection that the DSM’s “Anti Social Personality Disorder” focuses almost exclusively on “CRIMINALITY,” as opposed to those less easily quantifiable “Sociopathic character traits” (lack of human affect, absence of empathy, conscience, etc.).
In my view, there are some important problems with this approach. Number one is that 75% of criminals are NOT sociopaths (or at least not psychopaths, per the PCL-R); and conversely, many (perhaps most) sociopaths/psychopaths are NOT criminals – at least in the ordinary sense of the word. The importance of this distinction becomes even more crucial when it comes to things like parole boards. (And I believe you know something about this, Oxy!) By lumping everyone equally under the headings of “criminality” and “anti-social conduct,” it’s very difficult to determine, for example, who might be a good case for “rehabilitation and release” and who is not. (Not that I’m much of a believer in either! But with the psychopath these things are complete “pipe dreams,” whereas you at least have a gambler’s chance with the non-psychopathic criminal.)
Moreover, “ASPD” is rather insulting to those of us who know bloody damn well that many of the greatest “crimes” have nothing to do with technical “law-breaking”!
In short, I think the DSM people are going to end up missing the “existential essence” of this disorder, simply because that essence doesn’t lend itself to easy classification. (To be sure, “predatory stares,” “love-bombing,” “moral imbecility,” pathological lying, etc, have no place on a conventional “rap sheet.”) In many ways they seem even to be dissolving the very concept of “psychopath” and “sociopath,” in favor of something essentially synonymous with “career criminal” – a huge misfortune, in my opinion
Wow, what an outstanding explanation of the stare. My ex had this in flying colors, and so did at least 1 other spath I got entangled with….oh, and so did my P father. He would actually shout at me, “LOOK INTO MY EYES!” If I looked away for even one moment, he’d shout it again. Then, as I forced myself to look into his ICE cold blue eyes, he’d begin to threaten me.
This line: “I want you to experience me as helpless to do otherwise. That’s how powerfully, helplessly attracted I want you to experience me as!”
YES YES YES! Talk about manipulation!!!!!!!
However, I would like to make a note: I have a STARE as well. I’ve been told about this by many people, and I am aware of it as well. Just as some spaths don’t have the stare, I think some non-spaths might be the “fixating” type with the way they look at things. I tend to stare a long time at something when I don’t completely understand it. I ended up staring right back at my ex many times with an expression that looked quite probing, because I was trying to “get to the bottom” of his ways. The difference would be that a spath does this to mimic intense concentration while others might actually be experiencing intense concentration and therefore focus on something visually as a way to try and analyze what they are seeing.
Hi Steve,
Good subject . i was in the local bar this evening with a friend . As we sat down my friend happened to notice that the woman at the next table was his accountants secretary . He distracted her from her date and said hi etc . I was ammediately aware of this womans charm as we all introduced ourselves . She was beautifull , she appeared to be about maybe 30 years old and wore very litttle makeup . Her date appeared to be in his early 30s . I Had never met this woman before . Now what was it about this woman that had me thinking psychopath . Initially I think I instinctively picked up on the psychopath vibe , which then of course had me wondering if I was just imagining it . I then found myself questioning my own perception , but at the same time I was also watching for signals that would indicate that my perception was correct .
Since I was the only stranger to her in the immediate circle , it only took a couple of minutes before she was asking me what I did for a living . The group continued talking for maybe 5 minutes . Their food arrived and that was basically the end of the conversation . In the positions that we sat all I had to do was turn my head slightly to the right and I was looking directly at her . Her date had his back to me . As the evening progressed I became fascinated by the interaction between this woman and her date . She seemed to be totally absorbed in her date , which ofcourse one would perhaps expect , however there were things about her facial expressions that I remembered all to well from my own experience with a female psychopath . At this point me and my friend talked about work etc and from time to time I glanced over at the suspected psychopath pondering my perception . I began to ask myself questions . What am I seeing here ?, what is it that instinctively told me that she was a psychopath and what would I see that would confirm to me that she was indeed a psychopath ? . Her expressions were very obvious . The stare that she gave her date seemed to transcend her somewhat animated expressions . She never took her eyes off him . Some of her expressions were quite subtle but all very controlled . Every now and again I noticed a somewhat agitated expression creep into her face that qickly disolved into something more matter of fact or cute in nature . As I am writing this it suddenly occured to me that what was interesting about her expressions was that they were always changing but the stare remained the same . The stare was always there . As far as I could tell she did not notice me studying her , she was too preoccupied with her victim . Eventually they finished their food and got up too leave . She did not engage us in any kind of conversation . Her date however turned and said good night and off they went . After they left I asked my friend if he thought she was a psychopath . He wasn’t really sure but he proceeded to tell me what he knew about her , which wasn’t really much . As far as he knew she was over 50 which amazed me as she certainly did not look it . In the past I had been well aware of psychopathic women looking way younger than their age but hadn’t really thought about it untill he mentioned it . My own X psychopathic partner at 45 could pass for 25 any day of the week . No wrinkles . The whole psychopathic subject never ceases to amaze me . If you don’t believe in aliens , I tend to think that maybe they arrived long ago and they are definitley preditorial in nature and they are all around us …………….cheers
HAS ANYONE NOTICED THE OPPOSITE? My ex-spath could NOT sustain eye contact for more than a few seconds.