I was recently asked to comment on the sociopath’s “predatory stare,” and my first thought was to play it down somewhat. Not all sociopaths have this stare, or else it would be pretty easy to bust them for the “look.”
On the other hand there’s a form of the “predatory stare” that I want to remark on briefly in this short article that signals my return to the blog, again, on a more regular basis. It is really the “predatory stare,” but masked as the “romantic stare.”
Again, not all sociopaths deploy the “romantic stare,” let’s not kid ourselves. But some do. I’ve worked with many woman (and a few men) who can attest to it, and I’m sure many of you have had experience with it.
What is it? And what is its purpose?
It is an intense stare, a stare of very intense concentration the sociopath fixes on you, whose effect is at once unsettling and stimulating. It isn’t meant so much to be experienced as a “stare” as much as, well, an “experience.”
The sociopath wants you to experience him as experiencing you as the sole concern and interest in his universe. He is transmitting to you what he wants you to experience as his voracious interest in, and concentration on, you.
As I said, one is likely to experience this as both disconcerting and seductive. Why? Well, we are not used to experiencing ourselves as so totally captivating to another. So it’s a somewhat heady, exciting feeling to experience ourselves as engendering, seemingly, such a romantically hypnotic effect on another.
It is safe to say that the sociopath is in his grooming, seductive mode here. The imperturbability and fixity of his gaze is as if communicating, “I am totally into you. Totally. I can’t even take my eyes off you, that’s how totally into you I am.
“Even though what I’m doing, in truth, is a form of my manipulating and controlling you, yet I want you to experience this as a case of your controlling me!
“I want to you to experience me as so enthralled with you, with the magical effect your beauty, voice, face, style has on me, that it’s as if I literally can’t take my voracious, probing eyes off you!
“And so, as I gaze at you with this intense, almost unblinking, laser-like attentiveness, I want you to experience me as helpless to do otherwise. That’s how powerfully, helplessly attracted I want you to experience me as!”
I italicize “as if” because many sociopaths, as we know, are“as if” personalities—often acutely focused on creating the right “effects” to support the perceptions of themselves they’re seeking to establish.
Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful and don’t deserve to be looked at with genuine admiration, maybe even awe. But when that gaze is unbroken, sustained for too long, to the extent that you are feeling uncomfortable with, even if a bit excited by, its intense, probing scrutiny, take heed.
He may be staring into the face a very beautiful woman; you may be staring into the face of a sociopath.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
ivorywitch
Just look at the eyes of Ramie Marston in the “Day in Court” article. C-R-A-Z-Y!
20years
interesting about the “reptilian” look. I sometimes “see things” in my mind’s eye when I’m talking to people — can’t really explain what this is when it happens to me, but I am looking at someone, and then it is as though in the background of my mind, I see something different.
So, about 2 month ago at the CPS-mandated family therapy, I had this strange experience: my ex-spath’s wife (of 5 years) was talking. She was doing a blame-shifting type of thing, making up a story or using small bits of truth to concoct a self-serving explanation for something she had done, when I all of sudden saw her as a slithering snake, with very glittery scales. I actually saw her as a snake. It was a very weird type of vision, I had a strong sense of revulsion and at the same time I became acutely aware of exactly what she was attempting to do (shift blame onto me, deflecting attention away from her true nature and manipulations).
But it has been a number of years for me (that I have been dealing with this kind of s**t), so it didn’t feel too personal — even though she was attempting to cut through my defenses and wound me or enthrall the room, she did not succeed. My kids and I all saw right through her.
It is interesting, what we see and what we “see” in our mind’s eye — often two very different things, but I think our inner wisdom finds a way to poke through and show us the truth.
Also… there are apparently some types of meditation which can lead to the ability to maintain gazing for long periods of time. I know NOTHING about this, but just wanted to mention it. The “stare” coupled with the strange breathing thing, sounds like your spath had maybe dipped into this….? I think it is very manipulative and powerful/hypnotic, and I am also wondering if, between two lovers who are NOT sociopathic, if gazing into each other’s eyes is a nice thing, not a red flag thing…? And how would we know?
Findingmyself
Hi Hens! Your first comment – “The eye’s don’t lie. He could say ” I love you ’ with no emotion, same with the eye’s, no emotion, like he was trying to say the things he thought he should, to keep me hooked, but I never felt love when he said it, it was more like ” I got you hooked ’ big empty look” DEAD ON! No emotion with his eyes – EVER! He would tell me he loved me, I was the love of his life, but his eyes never revealed that…they were dead, lifeless, revealing.
When I got “the stare”, I would typically (eventually) look at him and say “what?” He would reply with “Nothing baby, I just like what I see”
UGH!!! Of course he did, because there was no “love”, for him it was all physical attraction. That’s all it was to him…purely physical!
newlife08
STEVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK !!!!!! I’ve been looking every week for your writings and FINALLY you’ve surfaced !!!
This is truly a very unsettling experience – always when he was trying to find his way back in he would play this game .
However, the majority of time – even intimate time – he never looked me in the eye. Never kissed me – not even what I would call a carress. BUT – the last time he left and came back – the seductive look was so compelling – I even remarked how intense he was – that he never looked me in the eyes- nevermind so intently. He said he was aware of that – but now – well things were different. Yeah – right !!!
Your article explains it – he was out to get himself back in the door – and he did.
But the ending was inevitable – as we all here know – they just can’t keep up the act for long.
Emi
This blog topic and subsequent comments and a-ha reveleations is one of the best I’ve ever read on Love Fraud. I want to refer my therapist to the site. She just might be openminded and savvy enough to see value in getting the extra training to be able to truly help survivors like us. Unfortunately, it does take additional training and extra time. There are so many people who just don’t “get” our description and experiences with the s-p-path. It sounds so bizzare and unreal…unless you have actually been w/one. It also sounds like WE are the ones who are a little off. GRRRR! this is making me angry…and strangely…feeling ashamed of what happened to me.
panther
Emi: “It also sounds like WE are the ones who are a little off.”
I completely agree with you and I am still trying to figure out how to explain any aspect of this without sounding paranoid delusional and like I am just a “hater” or something. People on LF get it. To other people, we’re “dramatizing” the situation. Our inability to get over it hints that WE are somehow flawed in our ability to heal, rather than that the wounds are as “dramatic” as we say they are. It’s almost as though nobody really wants to know that evil exists, so they would much rather just assume you are nuts.
behind_blue_eyes
Panther;
Upon the advice of Ox Drover, I mentioned to my psychologist that I still thought about my x-spath far too much, even though a) it has been nearly three years; b) i really did not know him very long.
His explanation is that at the time I was needy and the x-spath filled a void, since I had health problems and had been illegally terminated from my job.
There was much turmoil in my life including major surgery, a legal action against my former employer, moving, just to name a few. While I am in OK financial shape for the foreseeable future, until I have full-time employment there is going to be ample time to think about the x-spath and other negative aspects of my life.
However, I still don’t think my psychologist really understands the impact of an encounter with a sociopath, even a short-term one. So, for the benefit of all here is my best and honest assessment of me:
1) I met the x-spath at a time when I was very needy and continued to see him despite many red flags.
2) He used manipulative behaviors to make me think he was “specially” and that I had really met a “soul mate.”
3) Because of one fateful night in the hospital, he became my caretaker.
4) His manipulations were so effective I thought he was honest, caring, mature, reserved and stable at a time when my life might have appeared to be “out of control.” Thus, I thought I deserved to be dumped, but was determined to remain a friends.
5) About two weeks after his “let’s be friends” email, I can across a profile of his on a dating website. This led to a trail of other profiles on both dating and porn websites. From these, I learned that he was not what he presented to me. In fact, he was quite the opposite. This discovery was another in a series of WTF moments that provide fuel for rumination.
6) His online trail also led me to conclude he was HIV+, thus providing even more fuel for rumination.
7) I was unemployed, clinically depressed and my health situation did not allow me to engage in my main hobby and social outlet, bicycling. Thus, even more time for thought.
While I met more than my fair share of men since the x-spath including at least 5 who seriously wanted to date me, three of whom might even had been in love with me, I have not met anyone who had the “nominal” qualities of the x-spath.
Thankfully, I can honestly say I do think about him much less and most important, I do not have any emotional feelings for him.
Steve Becker, LCSW
hey Newlife….i’m back, and waiting for you, too.
thanks!
Ox Drover
Constantine, very good points!
EVERYONE!!! Good to see so many old friends back posting!
Steve, see what you pulled out of the woodwork with your great article!!!!
attagirl12
When i was a kid my mom taught us staring is rude. It is, socio and ppaths do this. Think and find the pic of Chales Manson. they know you need to be connected and try to do that.
I am proud to announce that a con man i cross paths with and his now ex wife, the family finally spilled the beans on them. They had been screwed over enough. I had investigated. People told me to back off etc. I got the ok to continue to investigate in writing from a legal authority, and then on Mon. i got a call. I may get a PI license now and go back to school as a paralegal. Look deep into your hunches on these people. they have a clear pattern.. Spread the word and educate others. To sweet to intense is cause for concern. I mean very intense.