I was recently asked to comment on the sociopath’s “predatory stare,” and my first thought was to play it down somewhat. Not all sociopaths have this stare, or else it would be pretty easy to bust them for the “look.”
On the other hand there’s a form of the “predatory stare” that I want to remark on briefly in this short article that signals my return to the blog, again, on a more regular basis. It is really the “predatory stare,” but masked as the “romantic stare.”
Again, not all sociopaths deploy the “romantic stare,” let’s not kid ourselves. But some do. I’ve worked with many woman (and a few men) who can attest to it, and I’m sure many of you have had experience with it.
What is it? And what is its purpose?
It is an intense stare, a stare of very intense concentration the sociopath fixes on you, whose effect is at once unsettling and stimulating. It isn’t meant so much to be experienced as a “stare” as much as, well, an “experience.”
The sociopath wants you to experience him as experiencing you as the sole concern and interest in his universe. He is transmitting to you what he wants you to experience as his voracious interest in, and concentration on, you.
As I said, one is likely to experience this as both disconcerting and seductive. Why? Well, we are not used to experiencing ourselves as so totally captivating to another. So it’s a somewhat heady, exciting feeling to experience ourselves as engendering, seemingly, such a romantically hypnotic effect on another.
It is safe to say that the sociopath is in his grooming, seductive mode here. The imperturbability and fixity of his gaze is as if communicating, “I am totally into you. Totally. I can’t even take my eyes off you, that’s how totally into you I am.
“Even though what I’m doing, in truth, is a form of my manipulating and controlling you, yet I want you to experience this as a case of your controlling me!
“I want to you to experience me as so enthralled with you, with the magical effect your beauty, voice, face, style has on me, that it’s as if I literally can’t take my voracious, probing eyes off you!
“And so, as I gaze at you with this intense, almost unblinking, laser-like attentiveness, I want you to experience me as helpless to do otherwise. That’s how powerfully, helplessly attracted I want you to experience me as!”
I italicize “as if” because many sociopaths, as we know, are“as if” personalities—often acutely focused on creating the right “effects” to support the perceptions of themselves they’re seeking to establish.
Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful and don’t deserve to be looked at with genuine admiration, maybe even awe. But when that gaze is unbroken, sustained for too long, to the extent that you are feeling uncomfortable with, even if a bit excited by, its intense, probing scrutiny, take heed.
He may be staring into the face a very beautiful woman; you may be staring into the face of a sociopath.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Congratulations Attagirl!!!! Atta-girl! Good job! Towanda!!!!
Hi Oxy, How the heck are ya? I’m only here for a few minutes, but am working withmy daughter in her real estate office a couple of days a week, so will be able to pop in a little more often to ay “hi”. Are you enjoying the crisp, fall weather, or is it still hot and humid, like it is here? I am so looking forward to cooler, crisper days. I am committed to getting out and walking, everyday.
Hope all my LF friends are doing great!!!!
Hello friends,
This is my first post but I have been “with” you all for several months. All the articles here have been very helpful in helping me to heal and understand my recent horrific marriage. Married July 2009, he was arrested May 2010 (non marriage issue), 1st restraining order May 2010, 2nd restraining order Nov. 2010 (he talked me into dropping the first), then I had the marriage was annulled based on fraud June 2011. I am just now coming out of the numbness and pain. I loved this man, he was a “pastor”, and as soon as we were married the mask came off and layer after layer of lies and deception peeled away leaving me with the reality that I was married to a monster. The man that I loved did not exist in reality he was a complete fraud. It is such a complicated long crazy story, I hesitate to post anything, were would I begin… I felt like I couldn’t talk about it with anyone because it was a bad witness for the church. My faith in God remains, but I am having a very hard time trusting being a part of a church again. The church had not checked out his past and they were not supportive to me when I told them about his abuse and lies. He lied to the church in the same way he had lied to me. How can I possibly explain it all… As I read your posts it breaks my heart to see others that have suffered the same trauma as I have.
It is eerie to see how similar the experiences are and the same traits in these amoral narcissistic spaths…truly the stuff of nightmares!
I just want to say thank you for sharing and thank you for the book references and thank you for this website! I am working very hard to recover from this huge mess, forgive and move on.
This is an incredible post. My sociopath once articulated his stare to me while I was cooking dinner when we were first together.
He actually said it right out loud, “Can’t you tell how I fell about you?” he asked. “I can’t take my eyes off you. You fascinate me.”
He continued on this path by coming over to hug me and kiss me. And it felt so good. I felt so special. Then he told me he would do just about anything for me. Anything.
You know what happened next.
That stare is powerful alright. I have to think mine knew exactly what he is and studied it. He’s perfect at it. Perfect at everything about this clandestine life that he leads. Lies, betrayal, hunting women.
But the stare turned into something totally different during our adult time together. After a while, when my brain was still in denial about what he really was, but my heart knew, that was when he looked most like a monster to me.
So scary.
When I first met my spath, he had some kind of an eye condition that made both of his eyes blood shot and red all the time. I never really noticed it because I didn’t see him that way, but it was something that he obsessed over. About a year into our relationship, he had surgery to remove whatever it was (I can’t remember the exact diagnosis). I always told him it wasn’t that bad because to me it wasn’t. But he always said he didn’t want to look ‘stoned’ all the time.
Now I know he knew he looked like a monster. He would probably see himself as he really is every time he looked in the mirror which was a lot.
Now his monster eyes are somewhat normal looking, but his heart is still pure evil. Can’t have surgery on that.
Mine didn’t have the romantic stare. His loving eyes seemed genuine – must’ve practiced that for years.
There was the “hatred stare” which shocked me. He could implement it at will. Then there was the “did my mask slip?” stare, when I said anything to indicate that I had seen past the facade – that was really nerve wracking.
That said, I think when they have you in their sights, you don’t actually have to see them looking at you. Your sixth sense tells you that you are being sized up for a meal.
Mine definitely had the romantic stare-it really possessed me-until he walked out (Thank GOD)-then he had the hateful, raging evil stare.
Hi Findingmyself, I think my spath would of liked to remain friends with me ( more like friends with benefit’s ) he would of liked having a secure place to come for comfort when his exploit’s got out of control..He used to say ” I dont want to lose you ” at the oddest moments and there was something genuine about him saying that, more so then when he would say ” I love you “.. I dont think they have many real long term friends, maybe a few that are just like them.. But there was no way I could of done that, not after the hughmungus lie’s and deceit…
BBE – Has been over 3 years for me also, but he lived with me 3 years, I knew him 3 years before he moved in, so 9 years this guy has occupied much of my thought’s…so I have learned much more about me and alot about people like him and alot about people in general. I dont think we are supposed to forget people like them.
Hens:
You are right…we must never forget. As soon as we forget, we will be duped again. It doesn’t mean we have to become bitter, but we must never forget; it must always stay in the back of our minds.
Hi Louise – I am not bitter, I dont dewl on him or people like him, I just try to keep things in perspective and do my best to make each day a good one.