I was recently asked to comment on the sociopath’s “predatory stare,” and my first thought was to play it down somewhat. Not all sociopaths have this stare, or else it would be pretty easy to bust them for the “look.”
On the other hand there’s a form of the “predatory stare” that I want to remark on briefly in this short article that signals my return to the blog, again, on a more regular basis. It is really the “predatory stare,” but masked as the “romantic stare.”
Again, not all sociopaths deploy the “romantic stare,” let’s not kid ourselves. But some do. I’ve worked with many woman (and a few men) who can attest to it, and I’m sure many of you have had experience with it.
What is it? And what is its purpose?
It is an intense stare, a stare of very intense concentration the sociopath fixes on you, whose effect is at once unsettling and stimulating. It isn’t meant so much to be experienced as a “stare” as much as, well, an “experience.”
The sociopath wants you to experience him as experiencing you as the sole concern and interest in his universe. He is transmitting to you what he wants you to experience as his voracious interest in, and concentration on, you.
As I said, one is likely to experience this as both disconcerting and seductive. Why? Well, we are not used to experiencing ourselves as so totally captivating to another. So it’s a somewhat heady, exciting feeling to experience ourselves as engendering, seemingly, such a romantically hypnotic effect on another.
It is safe to say that the sociopath is in his grooming, seductive mode here. The imperturbability and fixity of his gaze is as if communicating, “I am totally into you. Totally. I can’t even take my eyes off you, that’s how totally into you I am.
“Even though what I’m doing, in truth, is a form of my manipulating and controlling you, yet I want you to experience this as a case of your controlling me!
“I want to you to experience me as so enthralled with you, with the magical effect your beauty, voice, face, style has on me, that it’s as if I literally can’t take my voracious, probing eyes off you!
“And so, as I gaze at you with this intense, almost unblinking, laser-like attentiveness, I want you to experience me as helpless to do otherwise. That’s how powerfully, helplessly attracted I want you to experience me as!”
I italicize “as if” because many sociopaths, as we know, are“as if” personalities—often acutely focused on creating the right “effects” to support the perceptions of themselves they’re seeking to establish.
Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful and don’t deserve to be looked at with genuine admiration, maybe even awe. But when that gaze is unbroken, sustained for too long, to the extent that you are feeling uncomfortable with, even if a bit excited by, its intense, probing scrutiny, take heed.
He may be staring into the face a very beautiful woman; you may be staring into the face of a sociopath.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Louise
Hens:
I absolutely know you are not bitter 🙂 You are too fun to be bitter!
I still think we should all have a reunion some day and not wear name tags and everyone should have to guess who each other is! That would be fun!
Steve Becker, LCSW
Oxy, it’s nice to be back and see all of you, again. i’ve missed LF and missed you. Thanks for the feedback, all who have commented on the article, and of course for the enriching posts that often go in their own, even more interesting directions. It’s good be back.
MoonDancer
Louise I am not bitter I am better..no name tag’s? oh my – we can play ” guess who I am? ” just ignore my wiener dogs, they go every where I go…and btw me and the wiener girls are going on a little vacation, will be gone awhile, so keep my seat warm while I am gone Louise..
MoonDancer
BBE – All their friends are new friends.
Ox Drover
Dear Truthspeaks,
You have got a “snake” in your midst! Sorry about that, and sounds like she has divided the group into Pro and anti Truthspeak without anyone except you being the wiser.
All the “sweetsie” stuff at the first was to make you trust her, “the love bomb,” and now she is in a position within the group to stab you all the while appearing to be “nice.”
I think many of us have been in the same position and I know I have been in this position with several co-workers and even a boss or two through the years.
I wish I had a pat answer for you on how to handle her but I really don’t. I have seen people like her totally bring to bankruptcy whole companies. Disrupt staff and functioning of the business to the point that it goes under.
Glad you can laugh at it some now. Hang in there, sometimes our senses of humor is all that saves us from insanity. LOL
skylar
truthspeak,
this might help:
http://www.michaelsamsel.com/Content/Couples/drama.html
grey rock might help too. Show no emotion.
Wherever you find a sociopath, you will also find his/her minions. That is the one benefit that a sociopath leaves you: it reveals eveyone you ever knew, to you. You will be able to use this experience to separate the wheat from the chaffe in your life. Watch people’s reactions. The ones who believe and spread gossip are the chaffe. Find the silver lining and MINE IT.
alohatraveler
This is interesting. The Bad Man challenged me to stare him in the eyes early on in our relationship. I did. He was surprised that I was able to hold his gaze. He said that no one had ever been able to do that with him without looking away.
I had done this exercise in retreats and stuff so I was able to do it.. but no, it’s not the most comfortable thing to do. And… I don’t do this to others… try to stare into their soul.. unless they invite me to.
The Bad Man stare…. booo!
quest
testing , testing . I tried to post and it dissappeared
quest
beware the dazed stare of a psychopath victim , for it may fool you into believing you are in the presence of a psychopath . The victim , so lost in thought that he sees not what is in front of his eyes and yet some part of his cosciousness is forever vigilant for the possibility that a psychopath may enter his realm at any time . This stare is not predatory in nature but more a stare of curiosity and loss . The loss of inocence and the gaining of a wisdom that can sometimes be percieved as a curse . The world is more complicated now . Which are the humans and which are the others . Yeh I stare a bit, but its only because I am trying to figure out if you are a psychopath or not .
Ox Drover
Good point quest, I don’t doubt that I’ve had a STARE on my face,, sort of llike the “deer in the headlights” look.