I was recently asked to comment on the sociopath’s “predatory stare,” and my first thought was to play it down somewhat. Not all sociopaths have this stare, or else it would be pretty easy to bust them for the “look.”
On the other hand there’s a form of the “predatory stare” that I want to remark on briefly in this short article that signals my return to the blog, again, on a more regular basis. It is really the “predatory stare,” but masked as the “romantic stare.”
Again, not all sociopaths deploy the “romantic stare,” let’s not kid ourselves. But some do. I’ve worked with many woman (and a few men) who can attest to it, and I’m sure many of you have had experience with it.
What is it? And what is its purpose?
It is an intense stare, a stare of very intense concentration the sociopath fixes on you, whose effect is at once unsettling and stimulating. It isn’t meant so much to be experienced as a “stare” as much as, well, an “experience.”
The sociopath wants you to experience him as experiencing you as the sole concern and interest in his universe. He is transmitting to you what he wants you to experience as his voracious interest in, and concentration on, you.
As I said, one is likely to experience this as both disconcerting and seductive. Why? Well, we are not used to experiencing ourselves as so totally captivating to another. So it’s a somewhat heady, exciting feeling to experience ourselves as engendering, seemingly, such a romantically hypnotic effect on another.
It is safe to say that the sociopath is in his grooming, seductive mode here. The imperturbability and fixity of his gaze is as if communicating, “I am totally into you. Totally. I can’t even take my eyes off you, that’s how totally into you I am.
“Even though what I’m doing, in truth, is a form of my manipulating and controlling you, yet I want you to experience this as a case of your controlling me!
“I want to you to experience me as so enthralled with you, with the magical effect your beauty, voice, face, style has on me, that it’s as if I literally can’t take my voracious, probing eyes off you!
“And so, as I gaze at you with this intense, almost unblinking, laser-like attentiveness, I want you to experience me as helpless to do otherwise. That’s how powerfully, helplessly attracted I want you to experience me as!”
I italicize “as if” because many sociopaths, as we know, are“as if” personalities—often acutely focused on creating the right “effects” to support the perceptions of themselves they’re seeking to establish.
Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful and don’t deserve to be looked at with genuine admiration, maybe even awe. But when that gaze is unbroken, sustained for too long, to the extent that you are feeling uncomfortable with, even if a bit excited by, its intense, probing scrutiny, take heed.
He may be staring into the face a very beautiful woman; you may be staring into the face of a sociopath.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Yeah, but there is a big difference between the victim stare and the psychopath stare. I think I could tell the two apart. There is no denying the psychopath stare.
Louise;
I think I mentioned that about a month ago I had a bad stretch and made the mistake of looking at the x-spath’s FB page. It seems that recent changes again messed up FB security, and his photos are now public.
First, I learned that it was obvious that within days of dumping me, he was already on to his next target, a fellow flight attendant…
But that stare is so there, perhaps even worse now that his crow’s feet and forehead lines are even more obvious…
He just does not look like a nice person. His eyes are almost lifeless. Maybe that was a good reminder after all…
BBE:
Yeah, probably good you did see the pictures to remind you that he is NOT a nice or good person. He sounds so lost. Very sad.
Louise;
Don’t say stuff like that as that triggers my empathy! It sad, but mainly for his victims…
Hi, I haven’t been here for a while, but found myself needing to read this site today. About the predatory stare. My ex spath didn’t do that. Instead he was an expert at not giving eye contact. However, when talking to him on the phone, whenever I would start talking about something – to get me back into his control, he mentioned that he was “looking at my picture”, He had it posted on his home page of his computer. At first it was flattering, but then felt like a type of stalking.
He had pictures of himself. I believe it is about control. I never took a pic of him, but he would send me pictures he had taken, most of them not very good, but he had a couple of posed shots in which he was wearing his black stetson hat that he often used as a profile picture. It was taken in the sun so he was squinting so you can’t see the stare, but I believe what he had was a look that he would get where his eyes were dialated not a lot just a little, but instead of making his eyes more bright, it made them look dull. He had blue eyes, by the way.
BBE:
You are right. I was trying to put human qualities to an spath again. Sorry 🙁
I had noticed my ex a couple of times by himself, before he ever noticed me… first time he walked past the terrace I was sitting on in a rocking chair. It was my second summer there, but I had never noticed him before, and yet, it struck me that in the way he walked, he definitely was local. He walked as if he owned the street. He was handsome and walked with a charisma that made it impossible for me to never have noticed him the year before, if he had been there. So, I was sure he probably had not been around the first summer I was there. But he did not have the relaxed air of other Nicaraguans of the town. He was brooding. He was in his own head, brooding.
The next time I saw him was at the beach. He was making lots of noise and acting in a way that he wanted to get a lot of attention. A Canadian friend of mine knew him and at some point called him over to ask about acquiring valium. I remember he glanced me over once, before taking my friend aside and more private. I must say that I did not really like my first impressions of him. He was obviously a dealer, a show off and well kinda sleezy. I then decided to stay clear of him.
Through a few short lived meetings, I switched between respecting him (because of an answer he gave me to an inquiry about an ex lover of mine which seemed to suggest respecting the privacy of other people) as well as distrusting him (going off with 10$ of mine and the Canadian friend for coke but not reappearing…note: I’ve never been big on drug use, aside from nicotine, but not a total prude either). Anyway after the last, I planned to let any other tourist know that he was not to be trusted as a dealer at all.
My Canadian friend had left back for him by the next time I ran into him again, but my Canadian friend had warned him that I was angry with him and was not to be trifled with. As soon as he saw me, he tried to be friendly with me, apologize, make excuses and offered to get me the stuff anyway. Told him I just wanted the money back. He took me to an atm where he used a credit card, but proved he couldn’t give it to me that evening. On the way back in we met a German friend of mine with her Nicaraguan boyfriend, and she was having her birthday, and invited me to join their company. He joined the same company. And while I was chatting with the others of the company, he started to stare at me from the other side of the table.
It was a weird stare. One I had never experienced before. He just watched and watched and watched me. I did end up interpreting it as a stare intended to signal me he was interested in me in a sexual way. I could not imagine why else a man would keep gazing at me like that. But it was different from previous flirtatious gazes from men. Other men would play more, by swithcing between looking away and then back at me. At the time, I felt no sexual interest for him in return at all. But I was flattered. His perfect gentlemanlike attention in general was fixed on me that night.
But when I woke up the next morning, that gaze and gentlemanlike attention had gotten a hook in, even if I reminded myself that he meant trouble.
I always remembered that look, though he often said his interest in me started on the night we kissed. When I read about the “look” though late April as one of the tools of a spath, it instantly triggered a response within me “yup, that was the look”.
My therapist has asked me for a picture of him. She asked it jokingly to check whether my statement that I have a habbit for picking out very handsome men. But I’m pretty sure she wants to see pictures of him to check for his facial expressions. I have pics of him with a brooding expression and empty eyes. I have pics of him with a little glint and a slight smirk. I have pics of him where he appears like a pestering demon. I’ll print those and show her these next Wednesday.
BBE,
Yes it can help to be cofronted with pics of the spath with other women. When I came across pics of him with women he betrayed me with, while I knew him, I was struck hard by the different aura he had about himself. It was jarring. It was as if I was looking at a total different personality. In neither cases, personilities I could never have been attracted to. One could argue it’s because it was jarring to see his arm around another woman. But that wasn’t it really… at first maybe, but not when I looked at them again. I simply do not recognize the person, even though the features match. I can only explain that because he portrayed himself to be someone I would be attracted to when he was with me, and someone the other women would be attracted to when he was with the others. Like a chameleon. As a check up I’ve watched the pics I have of him by himself, and it was more difficult for him to project someone for me. Those imo portray the true empty, brooding, dark nature of his. He hardly ever smiles on his self-portraits, and his eyes are just empty.
So, yeah, looking at those pics can be therapeutic imo
Darwinsmom;
Actually, it was another man but you are so right about seeing a person you do not know. The same happened to me. I had one image of this person and via various online discoveries found somebody totally different.
I was shocked and stunned as the person I found online was 180 degree opposite the person I knew. Why is this? Because of manipulation and mirroring.
A trait of spaths is to quickly size up people they meet and present to those an imagine of what they are looking for. Spaths then use various manipulative techniques to reinforce the mirrored image.
Let me give you an example as how fuc*ed up they can get. My x-spath, for whatever reason, presented himself to me as being shy and sorted. On an early date, he was actually insulted when I asked him back to my place for a beer, telling me he was “reserved” and “offended” since this was only our third date.
At the same time, online he had posted videos of himself masturbating, and in one profile listed his hobbies as “boys, beers, talk and a bit of fooling around.”
BTH, his eyes are empty and while he is physically attractive, at least facially, in photos he does not look like a “nice” person.
LOL… (wow, did I really post a LOL and start to find out past experiences with ex spaths and their tricks ironic?)
Yeah. He seemed so attentive and respectful that first night he targeted me. He even told me at some point…”it’s getting late, you’re tired, go sleep. I’ll watch the street for you to get safely back to the hotel.”
LOLOLOL
Two weeks later he sent his buddies after me to rob me, out of spite because I walked out on him upset