I was recently asked to comment on the sociopath’s “predatory stare,” and my first thought was to play it down somewhat. Not all sociopaths have this stare, or else it would be pretty easy to bust them for the “look.”
On the other hand there’s a form of the “predatory stare” that I want to remark on briefly in this short article that signals my return to the blog, again, on a more regular basis. It is really the “predatory stare,” but masked as the “romantic stare.”
Again, not all sociopaths deploy the “romantic stare,” let’s not kid ourselves. But some do. I’ve worked with many woman (and a few men) who can attest to it, and I’m sure many of you have had experience with it.
What is it? And what is its purpose?
It is an intense stare, a stare of very intense concentration the sociopath fixes on you, whose effect is at once unsettling and stimulating. It isn’t meant so much to be experienced as a “stare” as much as, well, an “experience.”
The sociopath wants you to experience him as experiencing you as the sole concern and interest in his universe. He is transmitting to you what he wants you to experience as his voracious interest in, and concentration on, you.
As I said, one is likely to experience this as both disconcerting and seductive. Why? Well, we are not used to experiencing ourselves as so totally captivating to another. So it’s a somewhat heady, exciting feeling to experience ourselves as engendering, seemingly, such a romantically hypnotic effect on another.
It is safe to say that the sociopath is in his grooming, seductive mode here. The imperturbability and fixity of his gaze is as if communicating, “I am totally into you. Totally. I can’t even take my eyes off you, that’s how totally into you I am.
“Even though what I’m doing, in truth, is a form of my manipulating and controlling you, yet I want you to experience this as a case of your controlling me!
“I want to you to experience me as so enthralled with you, with the magical effect your beauty, voice, face, style has on me, that it’s as if I literally can’t take my voracious, probing eyes off you!
“And so, as I gaze at you with this intense, almost unblinking, laser-like attentiveness, I want you to experience me as helpless to do otherwise. That’s how powerfully, helplessly attracted I want you to experience me as!”
I italicize “as if” because many sociopaths, as we know, are“as if” personalities—often acutely focused on creating the right “effects” to support the perceptions of themselves they’re seeking to establish.
Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful and don’t deserve to be looked at with genuine admiration, maybe even awe. But when that gaze is unbroken, sustained for too long, to the extent that you are feeling uncomfortable with, even if a bit excited by, its intense, probing scrutiny, take heed.
He may be staring into the face a very beautiful woman; you may be staring into the face of a sociopath.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Darwinsmom;
Thankfully, I have gotten to the stage where I look back on the x-spath’s odd behaviors with a shaking my head curiosity, as I can honestly say I never met anyone like him. Not violent or overtly abusive, more covert-agressive, charming but cold. I felt he was lost and I could fix him.
You say:
“And while I was chatting with the others of the company, he started to stare at me from the other side of the table.
It was a weird stare. One I had never experienced before. He just watched and watched and watched me…”
I had the exact same experience. I was at a club with a friend. I left my friend at the bar to walk around and returning, I noticed from a distance my friend talking with three other guys. Right away, I noticed one of them staring at me. I waited a couple of moments, walked over and noticed that the whole time my friend was talking, the x-spath was looking only at me. I said hello and even from that first moment, his stare was “one I had never experienced before.”
Also:
“…at the time, I felt no sexual interest for him in return at all. But I was flattered.”
Same here. While I thought he was attractive, I never had a strong sexual attraction to him, nor did I perceive him as being one with a strong sexual aura.
“Same here. While I thought he was attractive, I never had a strong sexual attraction to him, nor did I perceive him as being one with a strong sexual aura.”
Hmmm, while I myself did not feel a sexual attraction to him, I did perceive him as having a strong sexual aura, just not one I was attracted to. That totally changed in the course of a few days, but that would be the chamoleon thingy where they project the image that does become attractive
My x-spath is 5’8″ tall with a slim build and not even a defined or “cut” body. Small willy too, lol.
But, I am first and foremost a face person, and to that he has an attractive face, best described as somewhat boyish but showing his age (late 30s). He is polite, soft-spoken, British and on first impression he comes off as a nice person.
Thus, in person his British charm masks his underlying cold nature. Somewhere, I once saw sociopaths described as “superficially charming, but with an otherwise cold demeanor.” This is exactly how i would describe my x-spath.
Photographs may be one of the best ways to unmask as sociopath, as their superficial charm is removed. I have never seen a picture of my x-spath in which he appears to be happy and in group photos he gives you the impression he is not connected with others, even if he is physically close.
OxD & Skylar, thanks so much for your encouragement. The mining the lining is a VERY good suggestion – this one guy that I have known for the past 7 years has completely turned on me as if I had the frigging plague!
I am, truly, seeing exactly who the participants are, and who they aren’t. And, my spouse told me all along that the fellow that is so entrenched in New Face’s camp was a sociopath! So, again, it’s all about boundaries.
I’m also liking (and, practicing) the absence of emotion. I’m offering a “greeting” and that’s it. I have very little to say to some of these people, and I’m in the process of re-evaluating my boundaries and the best way to construct them, again.
Once again, the brightest blessings to everyone and my most sincere appreciation!!!
Truthspeak,
sorry your post disappeared. The blog was going haywire that day.
You sound like you’ve got your act together and are going to come out smelling like roses on this.
Hi Steve,
I left for a while to recoup and heal after getting an idea of what the “trainwreck” was that had just happened to me. This is an excellent article to review and think about. The stare was there BUT once I started to peel the mask off of my xspath… he could no longer look me in the eyes. BUSTED!!!! and he knew it. I have healed alot emotionaly and now I am dealing with my health issues that have surfaced recently. Plus I was the victim of a home invasion robbery in June. Hopefully you will be here to post regularly…. I enjoy your insight.
Thank you!!
am i missing something? thought someone else surely posted the same observation.
across a crowded room, our eyes met and instantly we knew, we were made for each other. awkk awk. gag like a cat coughing up a hairball. as a teen i woulda swallowed that tripe as romantic. now i recognise it as the MO of a predator, a line that red flags sex complete with STD’s, ex’s that aren’t ex’d at all, and stuff gone missing.
i’ve mentioned before that i stare, a wary stare, watching for who might be coming to harm me. i have to be mindful and STOP myself from such a stare b/c i’m told it does unnerve people. i am NOT spath but it is a stare that i came to use b/c of an spath. i picked up other bad traits b/c of spath as well. i have to WORK to identify them and purge them. the good news is now that spath is gone, it’s getting easier to revert back to my automatic smiling greeting and optimistic outlook. Funny how my world was able to turn from hopeless misery into possibilities. But it did not happen overnight. (whisper: it’s been over 5 yrs…)
Womens shelters and counseling are available almost everywhere. If you are in a crisis situation call one of them or 911. Make a plan to make a “safe escape” from your spath/abuser.
KatyDid: I can completely relate. Totally.
It has been over 5 years for me too but 5 months complete NC from me, as of TODAY! 🙂 It takes time re-learning ourselves. It takes touching OUR REALITY right in this moment and realizing what we are leaving behind us and what lays ahead. We have to be honest with ourselves in order to find that ‘sunshine’.
No rain, no rainbows, Lovey….
Isn’t it easier to breathe now, KatyDid?
Blessing to you….
Dupey
KatyDid says:
am i missing something? thought someone else surely posted the same observation.
Whats that mean?