I was recently asked to comment on the sociopath’s “predatory stare,” and my first thought was to play it down somewhat. Not all sociopaths have this stare, or else it would be pretty easy to bust them for the “look.”
On the other hand there’s a form of the “predatory stare” that I want to remark on briefly in this short article that signals my return to the blog, again, on a more regular basis. It is really the “predatory stare,” but masked as the “romantic stare.”
Again, not all sociopaths deploy the “romantic stare,” let’s not kid ourselves. But some do. I’ve worked with many woman (and a few men) who can attest to it, and I’m sure many of you have had experience with it.
What is it? And what is its purpose?
It is an intense stare, a stare of very intense concentration the sociopath fixes on you, whose effect is at once unsettling and stimulating. It isn’t meant so much to be experienced as a “stare” as much as, well, an “experience.”
The sociopath wants you to experience him as experiencing you as the sole concern and interest in his universe. He is transmitting to you what he wants you to experience as his voracious interest in, and concentration on, you.
As I said, one is likely to experience this as both disconcerting and seductive. Why? Well, we are not used to experiencing ourselves as so totally captivating to another. So it’s a somewhat heady, exciting feeling to experience ourselves as engendering, seemingly, such a romantically hypnotic effect on another.
It is safe to say that the sociopath is in his grooming, seductive mode here. The imperturbability and fixity of his gaze is as if communicating, “I am totally into you. Totally. I can’t even take my eyes off you, that’s how totally into you I am.
“Even though what I’m doing, in truth, is a form of my manipulating and controlling you, yet I want you to experience this as a case of your controlling me!
“I want to you to experience me as so enthralled with you, with the magical effect your beauty, voice, face, style has on me, that it’s as if I literally can’t take my voracious, probing eyes off you!
“And so, as I gaze at you with this intense, almost unblinking, laser-like attentiveness, I want you to experience me as helpless to do otherwise. That’s how powerfully, helplessly attracted I want you to experience me as!”
I italicize “as if” because many sociopaths, as we know, are“as if” personalities—often acutely focused on creating the right “effects” to support the perceptions of themselves they’re seeking to establish.
Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful and don’t deserve to be looked at with genuine admiration, maybe even awe. But when that gaze is unbroken, sustained for too long, to the extent that you are feeling uncomfortable with, even if a bit excited by, its intense, probing scrutiny, take heed.
He may be staring into the face a very beautiful woman; you may be staring into the face of a sociopath.
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
“…across a crowded room, our eyes met and instantly we knew, we were made for each other…”
KatyDid;
I am not making this up. On the night I met the x-spath, right before I left my place I was listening to Springsteen:
“At night I walk the streets looking for romance
But I always end up stumbling in a half-trance
I search for connection in some new eyes
But they’re hard for protection from too many dreams passed by
I see you standing across the room watching me without a sound
Well I’m gonna push my way through that crowd, I’m gonna tear all your walls down”
I felt these lyrics were talking to me and my life. No more stumbling. The next person I see when I go out that I am attracted to, I am going to introduce myself. And not play games, be honest, tear down walls.
One hour later, I met the x-spath, who watching me without a sound from across the room…
Steve,
Thanks again for another great article. I will check back occasionaly for your insight into other issues with spaths.
BYE BYE
I was one of them who was impressed with the STARE and thought it was a romantic stare. But once we were married and start living together. I noticed him staring at his doughter with that intese stare, it was so uncomforatble to even watch him. I asked his dougher, do you like him staring at you like this, she was 14 years old, shrugged her shoulder and said don’t know… I know she was kind of felt that his affection is shared now, and in a sick way she kind of liked his this kind of attention.
This STARE was not a STARE of a father towards his child, it has totally inhuman color and attention. Creapy!!!
myheart;
Interesting comment regarding your x-spath’s staring at his daughters. My x-spath is gay and without children. Both parents are passed and he only mentioned one relative, his older sister who has two pre-teen sons.
My x-spath is not close with his sister and did not talk about her. However, when talking about his nephews, his expression and tone stuck me as being, quite honestly, lustful. I never once experienced this feeling around any other gay when when they were talking about their nephews.
It is kind similar things what you just said. I thought there was one thing strange about exspath, he hated all the women in the family, all his sis inlaws, his late wife, her family members, his own mother, though she lives with him, but I know he never hugges her or says he loves her, he treats her like his slave, though pretend to be takign care of her, but she actually takes care him and his doughter.
His doughter is his master piece, she is more like asset to him than a human being. He checks her out constatnly, and asks her to lose weight from back or front, she is very skiny, underweight.
I always felt he has a sick attraction towards his doughter, which is not normal. She kind acts as woman who will always be loyal to him, since he hates everybody else. But girl told me, she will move out of the house, as soon as she gets out high school and move far away from him, but she is smart enough to play a role to please him, since she needs him.
Another funny thing even as 16 years old, she talks to him in baby talk, because he likes it…….
Myheart,
My experience with male spaths is that they want to pass on their hatred of women to as many other males as possible.
One spath I met said he hates his sister and wants to “cut her heart out”. But she has 2 sons and he said, “I do try to be close to them and influence them”.
He, himself, has no wife or children. He is so worthless that he has only had sex with 2 women in all of his 56 years. He lives alone, in a shack by the river and works as an airplane mechanic. He believes he is filled with wisdom, when in fact he is only filled with personality disorders. He loves hot-talk radio and anything else that creates anger and hatred.
Sky
This weekend my spath contacted me again, he launched in with lovebombing “Oh, everybody on this social networking site LOVES YOU! You’re so great!”
Maybe I should have ignored, but I did respond, blandly, “Please stop. You hurt me too much”.
And he stopped.
The love bombing is such an old, tired scheme.
All I can do is think – I gave that man three years of my life, I loved him from here to hell and back – he shit on me – and all he can think to say is that OTHER PEOPLE think i’m great?
Really?
Is that the best he can do? Is this intentional? Does he realize how ridiculous that sounds, and by saying something so benign is he actually pointing out to me that he doesn’t give a shit about me?
Superkid
Superkid,
that is so strange. What a weird way to love bomb. I can’t figure out what perverted objective, he might have. Maybe someone else here has some insight?
Yes, it would have been best to not tell him that he hurt you. You gave him something to feed on. Maybe that satisfied him for now. He’ll be back again when he’s hungry again.
Please try not to feed him anymore. He doesn’t respond like a human being anyway.
Sk, It is difficult to NOT RESPOND, but the truth is that ANY response is FOOD FOR THEM. They hate to be ignored.
My egg donor called my voice mail and left a message that sounded urgent about some business…so I did call her back. He then “casually” asked me about where my son C lives…and I very FIRMLY TOLD HER THAT HE DID NOT WANT HER TO KNOW WHERE HE WAS AND THAT AS LONG AS SHE CONTINUED TO SUPPORT MY SON PATRICK WHO TRIED TO KILL ME, NEITHER OF US WOULD HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER that she had CHOSEN my son Patrick (who is in prison for murder) over us.
She is still trying to weasel her way back into “dialog” with us, and I am not biting and neither will son C.
When you have ANY dialog with them even to say”get lost< leave me alone" you are FEEDING them. Your comment of "you hurt me to much" was a 7-course meal for him. HE KNOWS HE HURT YOU, and now he knows you are still hurting. SCORE POINTS FOR HIM!!!!!
I HAD to have a conversation with my egg donor because we are co-trustees on our lands and we've had some business to transact that required both our signatures and my attorney said I had to "cooperate" with her at least outwardly.
I suggest you get OFF ANY SOCIAL SITES where he or his "friends" are—GO BACK TO NO CONTACT. NADA, NONE, ZERO, ZIP, ZILCH!!!!!
Thanks.
I can’t quite understand it either.
I wonder if
A) he doesn’t even understand how woefully lacking that comment was
B) he’s jealous, because he has no friends or network to speak of…it’s envy?
C) he is sly himself, he knows I need external validation, which I do, and so he saw it as an obvious way to lovebomb.
He has said remarks like this frequently.
I suppose you’re right. I suppose I should not answer. I asked my child what he would do in a similar exchange, he said “Mom, if somebody told me I was hurting them, I’d ask more questions right away to understand what I was doing so I could stop.”. My spath didn’t bother to ask. You are probably right, Oxy.
Score:
Spath – 1
Superkid 0
Sad.