Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader Aloha Traveler.
Who are you calling BLEEP!?
I have always been a person that is hard-wired for honesty. If you are into astrology, I am an Aries and my Chinese sign is Rooster. This doesn’t mean much to me but a friend once wanted to know my birth sign and the year and then responded “Oh. Now I see.” According to my friend, Aries born in the year of the Rooster have a double scoop of honesty.
What does this have to do with a being the victim of a disordered person? I’ll tell you. When they are attacking you, they never say anything true about you. The Bad Man was always insisting that I was a very dishonest woman. How odd. No one had ever called me this, ever. He also insisted I was “rude” and “selfish.” This was early in the relationship while I still had some spunk left in me to fight back. I countered, “I am 35 years old. I have never heard this about myself before. Don’t you think that if it were true, I would have heard this about myself by now?” I was sure of this. I thought I had him. I was unsure of this—his response, “That is why your ex left you. Because you can’t see how you are.”
This was brilliant on his part. I was unsure as to why the ex, a Good Man, decided I wasn’t “The One.” Of course, I had already shared this information with the Bad Man in those early, deep, soul-baring conversations that are part of the Sociopathic Relationship Package. True to his nature, the Bad Man had already dug into my psyche like an archeologist and carefully uncovered every vulnerability within me. My logic, I was sure of. Why the man I loved for five years left me, I wasn’t so sure.
SCORE 1 for the Bad Man.
The Bad Man claimed that I communicated in “cunning and tricky ways.” If you have ever read anything I have written in the blogs or my other essays, what do you think? Is there anyone in Lovefraud land that experiences me as cunning and tricky? I have been told all of my life that I am very direct. This was so confusing. The Bad Man seemed to be operating in some other dimension… the dimension where I was cunning, rude, tricky, BLEEP, feisty, testy, BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEPITY- BLEEP-BLEEP, sleazy-cheesy, dishonest, ornery, blah, blah, blah and on and on.
Romeo’s Bleeding
In the essay Romeo’s Bleeding, Part 5, the author, Roger Melton, puts it this way:
“Just keep one simple fact always in mind, regardless of whether a Controller is borderline, narcissistic, sociopathic or sadistic: Whenever any of them are criticizing characteristics in you, they are making autobiographical statements about themselves.
Blame is their way of unloading their character defects onto you. Listen closely to the hateful things they say to you about you. You are listening to verbatim descriptions of their character defects. This is extremely important to remember, especially in the midst of verbal attack. These are the only moments when you will hear the truth about the man who lies concealed behind the steel wall of his personality disorder.”
The Romeo’s Bleeding series explains a great deal about the methods, whether consciously, unconsciously, or instinctively, that disordered people use on their unsuspecting victims. I have found that accepting the Bad Man’s behavior as just part of the formula for an abusive disorder has helped me to let go of the horrible things he said to me. Honestly (there I go again), his attacks on my character no longer hold any sting for me. Letting go of all the horrible things that part of you absorbed is like performing a detox on your psyche and I believe it is a very important part of healing for all of us.
Never in my life have I encountered such a damaging human being. If I were to continue to carry his words with me, I wouldn’t want to get up each day and go on. There was a short period of time when I was with Bad Man where I remember looking in the mirror and feeling like I was the most worthless human being to ever walk the earth. This was when my sense of self was so weakened that he had nearly total buy-in from me about all the horrible things he said about me, to me. I believe that is part of the hook of carrying on with these disordered people; we want to prove that we aren’t the way they said we are. I know this was true for me. I would get so close to the proverbial door in my mind and then he would say something so outrageous that I couldn’t stand to walk away without defending my character and proving him wrong.
Ask your friends
In the blogs, I have advised a reader or two to ask friends or loved ones, people who have known you all your life, to describe you, to you. This is much more likely to be an accurate picture of you. You will be surprised at the generosity you may find among your true friends and loved ones. Some of the things people said to me when I was first out of this nightmare struck me so deeply in my wounded heart. I had been through such cruelty and the words of true friends were like a salve that reduced me to tears and reminded me that goodness does exist in me and outside of me.
Here’s a fun way to deal with healing that wound in you. Just to be silly, you can take the worst things your Bad Man or Bad Woman said to you and make your own game of MadLibs. Remember those? Write out one of the classics (one you feel you could never forget) that has been ruminating in your head for however long and delete all the icky parts and then read it to a friend and have them fill in the blanks for you like this:
Elise, you are such a ____________________woman!
Positive adjective here
Let’s close today with a little musical therapy. You are going to BLEEPING LOVE this!
Barbra Streisand sings Cry Me A River.
Links to Romeo’s Bleeding
I highly recommend the Romeo’s Bleeding series of articles sent to me by PeggyPseu. Thanks Peggy!
Romeo’s Bleeding: When Mr. Right Turns Out to Be Mr. Wrong
By Roger Melton
Part 1: Control
Part 2: The Malice Artists
Part 3: The Mirror Men
Part 4: When Love is a 4-Letter Word
Part 5: When love is a 4-Letter Word cont. The Clinging Apocolypse
Part 6: Conclusion: Counter-control
Yes, the namecalling and projection THAT’s when I had enough.
I started to freak out whne he tried to convince me I was insane. That was the point I couldn’t tolerate. I just switched off and it went downhill from there– well it was always dysfunctional–but after he attempted to shape-shift reality- I KNEW it had to stop.I begged,pleaded and debated my sanity for awhile (I am so ashamed of that, but it’s good to remember so I NEVER EVER GO BACK) with him. And he
tellingly out-of-the-blue early on in knowing him called me a
sociopath. Yep.
hws,
Yep, in every P-realtionship, and even with my P-by-proxy mother. When I was begging her to listen to me about my P-son, I said “He is just like my bio-dad, a psychopath!” and she looked at me and said “Oh, you think it skipped a generation do you?” That was the last conversation with her before I went NC.
I think you are right, Aloha, that we try to PROVE WE ARE NOT WHAT THEY SAY, and that may be why we stay for so long–but in the end, I think for me, the “name calling” and character assasination was what EVENTUALLY pushed me to get out of the relationship. It just got to be too much.
Don’t feel bad, HWS, about “begging, pleading, etc.” I did too. I literally got down on my hands and knees and begged my mother to listen to me before it was too late and the Trojan Horse P killed one of us. I WAS “crazy” with anxiety, grief, fear, frustration, anger,….but in the end, the name calling, the being acused of lies, etc., sparked my sense of self survival and I GOT OUT of this latest and most dangerous chaos.
The XBF-P started the name calling, character assissination, etc about 4 months in to the relationship, slowly at first, but increasing. Thank goodness although it hurt me, I saw through the fog in one blinding “flash of insight” and had the strength to push him to the curb suddenly–which is not what he expected. He expected I would stay and “take it.” It had worked with his X-wife of 32 years, and I think he thought it would work with me.
Thanks, Aloha! Great post as always! Peace. Anytime after that I felt a great “need” or missed the “relationship” I could just conjure up one of those “names” and the look on their faces as they said them, and all my “missing them” almost magicly vanished.
I think I would rather be stabbed with a “real sword” than with the words from someone you love, it would hurt less I think. At least the sword wound would heal and leave no residual pain, but the sharp, horrible words are the “gift that keeps on giving,” pain for a LONG time, until you can finally heal.
Thank you; I needed to read this today. The doubting and wondering whether you heard things right can be so demoralizing and make you feel like you ARE crazy. When I first called the Thief a liar, he flipped out. He could not handle it and went into the first rage I had ever experienced with him. Then when I mentioned that I thought he was a sociopath, well, it just got more and more interesting to see/hear his reactions.
I remember him telling me that one of his “friends” had been murdered by her husband for having an affair–that was the only time he sounded upset to me, because maybe, possibly, he realized his guilt in the triangle. If I’d been in sound mind, I would have thrown out the idea that the husband would be coming for him next.
We all are worth so much more than we know and as painful as it sometimes is, it is so much better that they are gone from our lives. Thank you, Aloha, for so eloquently putting an important topic into good form for learning and understanding.
Aloha/Elise:
I honestly love you right now. If I could find a way to stretch myself to where you are and give you the biggest hug, both in thanks and in validation, I WOULD. Right now.
Yes, I was called a “taker” not a “giver” (me, who always went out of my way to help other people, including him) and told I was a liar and phony and always “on” and so on and so on and so on until I internalized these things.
How did I know? Because my girls could no longer tease me as they used to without me breaking down into tears, worrying that they really believed whatever silliness they were having at the moment. They hadn’t changed. They always rib me, mightily and I always gave as good as I got, right back.
Until about four or five months into the “interaction” with him, when suddenly what they said hurt. When suddenly I wondered if they were telling the truth.
They assured me – sitting there in near tears – that they meant not a word of it. That I was so unlike the things they were saying, and that is why it was funny. Like it always was, right?
Only, no. It wasn’t like it always was. Because his version of reality had colored mine.
No mas.
By the way, my girls and I love Mad Libs. Been playing them for years. Your suggestion just rocks, because it really is just “insert whatever insult here” to them – whether it fit or not.
And whatever his issue stems from – P or N or something never heard of before – it was not accompanied by generosity of spirit, benevolence, the benefit of the doubt or anything that people have always said I had.
Did I make mistakes? Of course. But all the mistakes and things I did to retaliate for a wounded spirit were done to make me feel better, not really with any intent to harm him or even for him to know about. I’m guessing his entire return to my life may have been with an intent to harm. Not sure, but that’s how it appears in retrospect.
Thanks for this beautiful post. There are days I miss him (the good part of him that I suspect is gone forever) and days I am amazingly free. But at all points in between I will come and reread your post, because I need to remember how what he said and did made me feel, long before I bought into that world and retaliated the only ways I could think of.
Good for you, Orphan! I have seen so much growth in your posts and I know you are doing so well!!! Keep up the good work girlfriend! (((big hugs to you too)))))
Thanks, OxDrover. Hugs back to you.
The verbal attacks the greatest weapon they have indeed!
I remember when I would receive (a daily dose) her description of me. Her opinion (projection) of all my bad habits.
Projection: I couldn’t remember anything and had a bad memory!
Truth: I have a very good memory so much so that I can remember the flog I was in when I was with her! She didn’t want me remember all the lies, manipulations and half-truths she told me. Also, she never told me about her past. The only stories that she ever told me were of violence and abuse. Example:
1) Her mother would tell all her children to leave the house in the summer months and not to return until even to use the washroom) before her father would get home from work.
2) Once when her father was intoxicated, he flew the family’s turkey at the wall. Well, I guess there goes Thanksgiving Dinner.
3) When she tried to leave her ex husband, he drove his car into a tree so that both of them would die. He would hold her down and burn her with his cigarette. The list goes on and on.
Not once did I ever hear a good story about any family get together. Not once.
Projection: I had no patience.
Truth: I have the patience of Job. Raising children, believe me you will need patience. If you live with a person with a personality disorder, man do you need patience! But this person didn’t want to work and wait for anything. If she wanted anything, she wanted now! Which explains her love for credit cards. She showed no patience to my sons or myself. If she told us to do something, she expected it done now not later! She had no patience. I can still remember (bad memory indeed) her words, didn’t I tell you to do blank, How many times do I have to tell you to do blank, Blank, I told you to turn down that TV!
Projection: I didn’t like people tell me what to do.
Truth: I work for a living and have people tell me what to do each day of my life. I often ask for people’s opinion about something. If I didn’t like others telling me what to do, why in God’s name would I go and ask anyone for their opinion? I can’t tell you how many times, she would tell me that I was controlling her! (I know just another one of her projections) If I ask her to do something for me, she always said yes, but it was never done. This person does not like other people telling her what to do especially me!
Projection: I let other people use me.
Truth: Well, I did let her use me over and over again. Guess she didn’t like when anyone got a piece of me. I like people and many times will do things for them without any expectation of payment of favor in return. If something bad happen to her, it was because of someone using her. It wasn’t her fault; it was always someone else’s. One of my favorite comments to her was, “there is always someone to blame D, isn’t there!”
These are course just a few, but how I remember the verbal comments.
Aloha:
Great article as always! I have just googled the website below, which discusses triangles, predator/victim, etc., which I think has some significance but I’m not versed enough to see all of the ramifications. Perhaps some of you ladies and gentlemen mroe knowledgeable and better read on Sociopathy can take a peek. (OxDrover?)
http://www.coachingsupervisionacademy.com/our_approach/karpman_drama_triangle.phtml
Peggy,
I recommend that anyone read “Games People Play” by Erick Berne, it explains a LOT of the “games”and “manipulations” that Ps play and the tactics that they use.
The concepts of Transactional Analysis are not so technical that an average person can’t understand them, and when you read the descriptions of the “games” (and the funny names) like “Now I’ve got you, you SOB” and other descriptive terms…but it does give you a bunch of “Ah Ha” moments.
Playing “roles” in “games” and believe me the games are NOT “fun and games” but games like “alcoholic” each must have three roles, the victim, rescurer and persecutor. It is like musical chairs with each person sitting in any of the three seats, and then when the music stops everyone changes seats. The pay off is that usually everyone gets to feel like they have been “abused” by someone else.
Alcoholic is a common one. LEt’s say Joe comes home, drunk again, having spent all the rent money (he’s the persecurtor at that point) and Sue (the victim/wife at that point) meets him at the door, she puts him to bed (she’s a rescuer at that point) then in the morning calls his boss and says he’s sick. then after he sobers up in the morning, she starts berating him for getting drunk again (now she is the persecutor) and Joe the victim, soo she rages at him a while and finally he gets enough and pastes her in the mouth. Now JOe is th epersecutor and Sue the victim, so she calls the cops, and the cop is now the rescuer, and Joe the victim. Then later in the day when she isn’t mad any mroe, Sue goes down and bails Jjoe out of jail by hocking her wedding rings (she’s the rescuer now) and round and round it goes, and it NEVER STOPS. Everyone gets to feel BAD (the pay off).
People can “rescue” others in any circumstance when you do for others what they should and could do for themselves. I.e. you assume the consequences for their behavior and then you becaue of your “good deed” start to tell them what is wrong with them an assume control, tell them what to do. They of course resent this and everyone loses in a game. It prevents true intimacy from happening.
People who play games and rescue others do not set appropriate boundaries—(see my hand waving in the breeze) that was ME ME ME!!!!! People who expect you to rescue them are not healthy adults.
People who play games play all 3 roles, but usually have a “favorite” role. Mine was “rescuer”—doing for others what they should have done for themselves—being too much of a giver.
Many times a P will appear to be playing a “game” but will be doing it deliberately—that isw a MANUVER rather than game playing which is UNconscious. If Ii set out to deliberately trick you, con you, that is deliberate. Ps however use their multiple talents to con us but it may appear to be a “game.”
If we don’t PLAY games, however, we won’t get hooked by a con-person or a P. Treating others considerately and fairly, we are not persecutors, refusing to be victamized and setting boundaries we are not victims, and refusing to rescue someone else from their own responsibilities, we are not rescuers—we are HEALTHY and can be intimate with those we love—truly intimate in the best sense.
First though, we have to become AWARE of a game and STOP playing. People in our circle who are game players, though, will resent the heck out of us changing the “rules” and will do their best to intice us back iinto the games until they see that we are seriously not going to ‘play.’ If they are hardcore players, they will go look for another “partner” to play with.
Intimacy is “scary” because you are REAL not fake and there is no hiding from an intimate relationship—and most of us are not used to real intimacy—but we thought we had it with the Ps–but the real thing is wonderful when two people can be truly honest and intimate with each other—no matter what the relationship is, friend, lover, sibling, parent, child etc. It’s I think what we are all striving for, but as long as we play the “games” we will never get there.
Settiing appropriate boundaries is my biggest goal right now. It’s a good start in opting out of the “games people play.”
Hey, thanks OxDrover for simplifying that. It makes total sense the way you portrayed it. You’re right, those games don’t sound fun at all! It also reminded me of Aloha with the “boundaries”.