Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader Aloha Traveler.
Who are you calling BLEEP!?
I have always been a person that is hard-wired for honesty. If you are into astrology, I am an Aries and my Chinese sign is Rooster. This doesn’t mean much to me but a friend once wanted to know my birth sign and the year and then responded “Oh. Now I see.” According to my friend, Aries born in the year of the Rooster have a double scoop of honesty.
What does this have to do with a being the victim of a disordered person? I’ll tell you. When they are attacking you, they never say anything true about you. The Bad Man was always insisting that I was a very dishonest woman. How odd. No one had ever called me this, ever. He also insisted I was “rude” and “selfish.” This was early in the relationship while I still had some spunk left in me to fight back. I countered, “I am 35 years old. I have never heard this about myself before. Don’t you think that if it were true, I would have heard this about myself by now?” I was sure of this. I thought I had him. I was unsure of this—his response, “That is why your ex left you. Because you can’t see how you are.”
This was brilliant on his part. I was unsure as to why the ex, a Good Man, decided I wasn’t “The One.” Of course, I had already shared this information with the Bad Man in those early, deep, soul-baring conversations that are part of the Sociopathic Relationship Package. True to his nature, the Bad Man had already dug into my psyche like an archeologist and carefully uncovered every vulnerability within me. My logic, I was sure of. Why the man I loved for five years left me, I wasn’t so sure.
SCORE 1 for the Bad Man.
The Bad Man claimed that I communicated in “cunning and tricky ways.” If you have ever read anything I have written in the blogs or my other essays, what do you think? Is there anyone in Lovefraud land that experiences me as cunning and tricky? I have been told all of my life that I am very direct. This was so confusing. The Bad Man seemed to be operating in some other dimension… the dimension where I was cunning, rude, tricky, BLEEP, feisty, testy, BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEPITY- BLEEP-BLEEP, sleazy-cheesy, dishonest, ornery, blah, blah, blah and on and on.
Romeo’s Bleeding
In the essay Romeo’s Bleeding, Part 5, the author, Roger Melton, puts it this way:
“Just keep one simple fact always in mind, regardless of whether a Controller is borderline, narcissistic, sociopathic or sadistic: Whenever any of them are criticizing characteristics in you, they are making autobiographical statements about themselves.
Blame is their way of unloading their character defects onto you. Listen closely to the hateful things they say to you about you. You are listening to verbatim descriptions of their character defects. This is extremely important to remember, especially in the midst of verbal attack. These are the only moments when you will hear the truth about the man who lies concealed behind the steel wall of his personality disorder.”
The Romeo’s Bleeding series explains a great deal about the methods, whether consciously, unconsciously, or instinctively, that disordered people use on their unsuspecting victims. I have found that accepting the Bad Man’s behavior as just part of the formula for an abusive disorder has helped me to let go of the horrible things he said to me. Honestly (there I go again), his attacks on my character no longer hold any sting for me. Letting go of all the horrible things that part of you absorbed is like performing a detox on your psyche and I believe it is a very important part of healing for all of us.
Never in my life have I encountered such a damaging human being. If I were to continue to carry his words with me, I wouldn’t want to get up each day and go on. There was a short period of time when I was with Bad Man where I remember looking in the mirror and feeling like I was the most worthless human being to ever walk the earth. This was when my sense of self was so weakened that he had nearly total buy-in from me about all the horrible things he said about me, to me. I believe that is part of the hook of carrying on with these disordered people; we want to prove that we aren’t the way they said we are. I know this was true for me. I would get so close to the proverbial door in my mind and then he would say something so outrageous that I couldn’t stand to walk away without defending my character and proving him wrong.
Ask your friends
In the blogs, I have advised a reader or two to ask friends or loved ones, people who have known you all your life, to describe you, to you. This is much more likely to be an accurate picture of you. You will be surprised at the generosity you may find among your true friends and loved ones. Some of the things people said to me when I was first out of this nightmare struck me so deeply in my wounded heart. I had been through such cruelty and the words of true friends were like a salve that reduced me to tears and reminded me that goodness does exist in me and outside of me.
Here’s a fun way to deal with healing that wound in you. Just to be silly, you can take the worst things your Bad Man or Bad Woman said to you and make your own game of MadLibs. Remember those? Write out one of the classics (one you feel you could never forget) that has been ruminating in your head for however long and delete all the icky parts and then read it to a friend and have them fill in the blanks for you like this:
Elise, you are such a ____________________woman!
Positive adjective here
Let’s close today with a little musical therapy. You are going to BLEEPING LOVE this!
Barbra Streisand sings Cry Me A River.
Links to Romeo’s Bleeding
I highly recommend the Romeo’s Bleeding series of articles sent to me by PeggyPseu. Thanks Peggy!
Romeo’s Bleeding: When Mr. Right Turns Out to Be Mr. Wrong
By Roger Melton
Part 1: Control
Part 2: The Malice Artists
Part 3: The Mirror Men
Part 4: When Love is a 4-Letter Word
Part 5: When love is a 4-Letter Word cont. The Clinging Apocolypse
Part 6: Conclusion: Counter-control
Bird,
He did you the biggest favor a P has ever done a human–he left you! It doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt, but sometimes even “good medicine” is painful. I am sorry for your pain, but I am oh so glad the P left you. The pain is not permanent (though sometimes it seems so) but being away from the P is a godsend to both you and your child. (((hugs))))
I too was shocked and saddened by Kathy’s death. Does anyone know the cause? She had great insight and understanding and she was a terrific writer. Rest in peace, Kathy.
Dear Bird,
You know, his parting words will help to remind you what he was. No one normal delights in hurting someone they claim they once loved. Plain and simple.. this is not normal. What a prick. I am sorry you crossed paths with him.
Raise your baby alone. I would. There is nothing to get from this man except anxiety, grief, hair loss, panic attacks, por self esteem… and more… Keep reading. It’s all here.
thanks everyone. I am now 7 months pregnant, and every hour is a new emotional experience. I don’t know what I would have done without this website.
Dear Bird,
Hang in there Bird, the people here on this website do understand what you have gone through, and will be here for you. You came to the right place. I can only imagine what a tough time being preg during such an emotionally upsetting time, but you post any time you need to “talk”–my prayers are with you and your wonderful baby. No matter about the P, you have your baby! Put your arms around your belly and hug that baby and tell him/her it is from their “Aunt Oxy!”
Bird,
I think sometimes something really big in your life can help to shift your perspective on things. Like having a baby… once you have that baby, you will be so busy that maybe you will just forget about all this nonsense with a Bad Man like the one you describe.
It just isn’t worth it to waste our time and our love and energy on these stupid psychos.
A baby is the perfect outlet for lavishing all the love and tenderness you have to give. And the baby deserves it and will grow up to be a better person for having been lovingly nurtured by you. A Sociopath, on the other hand, does not deserve our love and affection, nor will he benefit or grow from it in the way we intend.
I wish you all the best!
Aloha :o)
Funny but when a Sociopath leaves us, it is the only good thing they could ever do for that person. I just wish that they (and most if not all don’t) would leave sooner then later. Most (unless we start to get wise about them) wait until we are completely drained emotionally, mentally and financially. As there is a God above, my ex S leaving me is a pure blessing!
Bird,
All that I can say being a man and father my self is that any man (sorry he isn’t a man) that would leave a woman who is pregnant is the worst type of person. One thing that chained me to my ex S was because she got pregnant. Once the children were part of the scenario leaving wasn’t an option for me. I HAD to make it work. Of course I now see that she knew this and even if using a child to get what (at the time anyway) she wanted well so be it. One good thing is that you now will be able to “protect” your child from his influence and teach him/her not to be like his/her father. Giving both of you a much brighter future. Bird, I know that my children are and will always be my saving grace. Having a child is hard even when we are still married. Having a child along will be harder. But having a child or children in our lives has a way of giving more then we can ever give to them. Someday soon that new bright shinning small (wrinkle) face will look into yours and then you will feel a love you never knew before. May God bless you both!
Funny thing about this life.
One ends (Kathy Krajco)
Another begins…………………
That’s *exactly* what they’re best at!!
My friends and I just found out that someone we allowed into our group is a sociopath, and by god, he played all of us for everything we were worth. I mean, I find myself thanking god that I’m flat freakin’ broke, because if I had a cent to my name I’m sure he would have conned me out of it.
The really hilarious part is that I’ve been through this before. My mother, while not a sociopath, was a master manipulator; she could play with the best of them, and through simple observation I learned every one of her tricks. And still! He managed to screw me over but good.
The real kicker, ladies and gents, is that he didn’t stop with just me. Oh, no. Too easy. My husband and I are moving in to a house with another couple of long-time friends, and when I shut the b*stard down he started on them! I suppose it was punishment. All four of us are a little gunshy about moving in together, as we’ve had bad experiences in the past, and when those concerns came up he fueled the fire. Moreover, he made a huge deal about how heartless I was, how evil I was being to them, and made simple disagreements (such as whether or not to have books in the living room) out to be major crises. Logically any fool knows that so small a situation is not an end-all-be-all, but he had them going for a while. He deliberately played on their fears and legitimate concerns to prevent my husband and me from moving in with them, most likely to punish the two of us for banning him from our lives.
They don’t just tuck tail and run, these guys. Not when there’s even a centimeter left to take. Watch out if you think you’ve ejected them from your life, people, because if there’s any amount of exploitable turf left over, it’ll be compromised before you can say “Oh shi–“
I think he won. I have become a worthless shell. A broken shell. The shell from a stinky rotten egg. I am 16000 + miles away from him and it still feels like he is always standing right behind me. I wrote a quick note in another blog and it only got one reply. I told myself see, even they think your nuts. I stated that I was afraid that he would somehow find out that I was even thinking that he might be a sociopath and really go balastic. I have often heard that for ever finger you point at someone else you have 10 pointing back at you. I want someone to validate my assumptions. I have read different stories and descriptions and all I can do is act like those little fake dogs people used to put in the back window of their car who’s head just keeps bobbing up and down as if they were saying yes, yes, yes, yep. I left with a couple small boxes and a few hefty bags in the back of my Jeep. A shelter gave me a few gas cards. I am now sleeping in a basement. Cleaning toilets, painting, relining shorelines in 53 degree weather just to put gas in my tank. I can not even afford the clothes at the thrift store. I finally started a job today at a treatment center and received a $160.00 ticket for speeding. As I was sitting in on a staffing they were talking about a young man describing him as a sociopath. As they were talking about why they felt this all I could do was bob my head in agreement. I could start to feel the tears well up in my eyes and I thought “PSYCO” who’s the “PSYCHo” Here I am at a job were I should be helping others and I can not even help myself. I screwed up some of my painting jobs, I did a crappy job cutting someones lawn. I am so afraid to do anything that I actually thought that I should call “HIM” up and beg him to let me come back. I’ll comply, I’ll be submissive and obedient, I’ll jump higher all while not complaining. I am a recovering alcoholic and have not drank in almost 5 1/2 years. I survived bad health news, my oldest son (26) dying and my sister dying of cancer last year with out even thinking of taking a drink. But I have been having drinking thoughts lately. I have even caught myself saying that I am lucky I have one son and a grandson and twin on the way or “ELSE”. I want to put an add on craigs list to say wanted one man to come over and hold, only hold me through one sappy chick on a on call basis.(not really) But that’s how crazy I am.
I can not say I did not see this coming. I had questions from the start. I asked and he never really answered me. Even though I doubted him I accepted the answers because I was afraid that I would make him mad if I questioned him, DUH!!!!!
He said come to Arizona and let me take care of you, when he meant come to Arizona and be my prisoner; take care of me, you can only do what I approve of, I will buy you things but only things I like, I will do things to you even though I know you don’t like it, you will make sure that you buy “hard” apples because if you pack a soft one I will have to let you know about it, wash my clothes but make sure you iron them properly, mow the lawn, fix the car, appliances, lawn equipment and anticipate when I will come home so you will have dinner ready and waiting, but do not put too much garlic in it…I have hep c and I am sick so I need you to do this for me so all I have to do is concentrate on work, the fact that you were diagnosed with two forms of brain tumors has no relevance to me at all. Oh, but by the way, I will chew my own food and I will wipe my own butt. However, if you dare have the odacity to end up on a cardiac unit and make me take care of myself for a few days then expect ME to get your heart medicine the next day; I will throw a couple hundred $ on the bed and abandoned you for 5 days because the stress will be to much and I will need a break. All of this and I still think that I am the CRAZY one, I feel I am bad for thinking he might be a sociopath. He changed the locks on the doors of our house less than 48 hours after I went to the shelter. He said he wanted a divorce and that he was through with me. He said he had to pay my bills because I would not work….HE WOULD NOT LET ME. I should be grateful that he’s not begging me back with false promises..only to become a statistic. He never held me in his arms, he never kissed me with an ounce of passion and I still keep thinking if only. Maybe I was too picky. No one is perfect. Please, please PLEASE…if you can give me any HOPE that just maybe I might become somewhat sane again (if I ever was) please share. Please help me so I do not have to keep reminding myself to breathe. Thank you. Sorry if I spelled anything wrong I do not know how to use the spell check.
Thank you for your time and consideration…..