Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader Aloha Traveler.
Who are you calling BLEEP!?
I have always been a person that is hard-wired for honesty. If you are into astrology, I am an Aries and my Chinese sign is Rooster. This doesn’t mean much to me but a friend once wanted to know my birth sign and the year and then responded “Oh. Now I see.” According to my friend, Aries born in the year of the Rooster have a double scoop of honesty.
What does this have to do with a being the victim of a disordered person? I’ll tell you. When they are attacking you, they never say anything true about you. The Bad Man was always insisting that I was a very dishonest woman. How odd. No one had ever called me this, ever. He also insisted I was “rude” and “selfish.” This was early in the relationship while I still had some spunk left in me to fight back. I countered, “I am 35 years old. I have never heard this about myself before. Don’t you think that if it were true, I would have heard this about myself by now?” I was sure of this. I thought I had him. I was unsure of this—his response, “That is why your ex left you. Because you can’t see how you are.”
This was brilliant on his part. I was unsure as to why the ex, a Good Man, decided I wasn’t “The One.” Of course, I had already shared this information with the Bad Man in those early, deep, soul-baring conversations that are part of the Sociopathic Relationship Package. True to his nature, the Bad Man had already dug into my psyche like an archeologist and carefully uncovered every vulnerability within me. My logic, I was sure of. Why the man I loved for five years left me, I wasn’t so sure.
SCORE 1 for the Bad Man.
The Bad Man claimed that I communicated in “cunning and tricky ways.” If you have ever read anything I have written in the blogs or my other essays, what do you think? Is there anyone in Lovefraud land that experiences me as cunning and tricky? I have been told all of my life that I am very direct. This was so confusing. The Bad Man seemed to be operating in some other dimension… the dimension where I was cunning, rude, tricky, BLEEP, feisty, testy, BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEPITY- BLEEP-BLEEP, sleazy-cheesy, dishonest, ornery, blah, blah, blah and on and on.
Romeo’s Bleeding
In the essay Romeo’s Bleeding, Part 5, the author, Roger Melton, puts it this way:
“Just keep one simple fact always in mind, regardless of whether a Controller is borderline, narcissistic, sociopathic or sadistic: Whenever any of them are criticizing characteristics in you, they are making autobiographical statements about themselves.
Blame is their way of unloading their character defects onto you. Listen closely to the hateful things they say to you about you. You are listening to verbatim descriptions of their character defects. This is extremely important to remember, especially in the midst of verbal attack. These are the only moments when you will hear the truth about the man who lies concealed behind the steel wall of his personality disorder.”
The Romeo’s Bleeding series explains a great deal about the methods, whether consciously, unconsciously, or instinctively, that disordered people use on their unsuspecting victims. I have found that accepting the Bad Man’s behavior as just part of the formula for an abusive disorder has helped me to let go of the horrible things he said to me. Honestly (there I go again), his attacks on my character no longer hold any sting for me. Letting go of all the horrible things that part of you absorbed is like performing a detox on your psyche and I believe it is a very important part of healing for all of us.
Never in my life have I encountered such a damaging human being. If I were to continue to carry his words with me, I wouldn’t want to get up each day and go on. There was a short period of time when I was with Bad Man where I remember looking in the mirror and feeling like I was the most worthless human being to ever walk the earth. This was when my sense of self was so weakened that he had nearly total buy-in from me about all the horrible things he said about me, to me. I believe that is part of the hook of carrying on with these disordered people; we want to prove that we aren’t the way they said we are. I know this was true for me. I would get so close to the proverbial door in my mind and then he would say something so outrageous that I couldn’t stand to walk away without defending my character and proving him wrong.
Ask your friends
In the blogs, I have advised a reader or two to ask friends or loved ones, people who have known you all your life, to describe you, to you. This is much more likely to be an accurate picture of you. You will be surprised at the generosity you may find among your true friends and loved ones. Some of the things people said to me when I was first out of this nightmare struck me so deeply in my wounded heart. I had been through such cruelty and the words of true friends were like a salve that reduced me to tears and reminded me that goodness does exist in me and outside of me.
Here’s a fun way to deal with healing that wound in you. Just to be silly, you can take the worst things your Bad Man or Bad Woman said to you and make your own game of MadLibs. Remember those? Write out one of the classics (one you feel you could never forget) that has been ruminating in your head for however long and delete all the icky parts and then read it to a friend and have them fill in the blanks for you like this:
Elise, you are such a ____________________woman!
Positive adjective here
Let’s close today with a little musical therapy. You are going to BLEEPING LOVE this!
Barbra Streisand sings Cry Me A River.
Links to Romeo’s Bleeding
I highly recommend the Romeo’s Bleeding series of articles sent to me by PeggyPseu. Thanks Peggy!
Romeo’s Bleeding: When Mr. Right Turns Out to Be Mr. Wrong
By Roger Melton
Part 1: Control
Part 2: The Malice Artists
Part 3: The Mirror Men
Part 4: When Love is a 4-Letter Word
Part 5: When love is a 4-Letter Word cont. The Clinging Apocolypse
Part 6: Conclusion: Counter-control
This is mad how I read love lies bleeding and other articles here….today he pulled what I now know is a typical antic by these evil sods..He sent me a text saying how I hurt him by throwing him out and how seperating him from the kids gave him a rotten christmas!!! cheeky sod, he stayed away and then expected to just have access when it suited him…after chasing me around the place a few days before Christmas..He is painting himself the victim..of me..
I am now able to see what is coming thanks to what I am learning here….before I didnt know what I was seeing was perfect examples of the traits…I thought it was off the cuff spur of the moment stuff..
kerisee,
May I suggest you read about Borderline Personality Disorder? Your husband’s ex sounds like a carbon copy of the Bad Man. Her rules apply to him and not to her… the irony, the twisting of things.
If you haven’t read anything about BPD, you might find it right on target.
I am not a clinician but I feel a familiar tingle in my tummy when I read your lines… and of course, you will find a million more stories here that will sound oh so familiar.
Aloha
Muldoon,
If you want to see me lose my mind, trip me and then claim I tripped you. Lie to me and call me THE LIAR. Abuse me, terrorize me, call me names.. and then cry like a baby and tell all your friends how terribly I have treated you.
I have written this so many times so for readers that may have seen it, I am sorry but: I spent so many sleepless nights trying to figure out how the Bad Man could work it out in his mind that he was the victim of me! This was so upsetting and perplexing.
I get it now. It’s just one of the things they do. Keep reading Muldoon. Keep reading. I absolutely love seeing you say.. OMG! WHAT IS THIS? NOW I KNOW!!!
Soon you will be able to predict his every move. The behaviors are so predictable once you see the pathology before you. It even becomes kind of boring in a weird sort of way. Oh.. now he’s telling a big crazy lie. How boring. How unoriginal. Ho hum. :o)
Remember: All the terrible things he is saying about you and to you are NOT ABOUT YOU. and they are NOT WHO YOU ARE. You know who you are! And now you know who he is!
Have a wonderful day!
Aloha
alohatravele….LIke you I used to wonder does he actually believe what he is saying of me, does he not see he is the one like that..nearly drove me around the twist. Also has sometimes driven me to launch a verbal attack of my own tthe injustice…which then had me beaten physically.
I just wish I had found this site years ago..would have saved me alot of heartache and stress…when Oxdrover said keep reading power isd knowledge, I underestimated those words but see exactly what she meant..I now understand, I see there aint no point in trying to reason or make him see.. I actually have started to not love him….something I never thought possible no matter what he did to me. Now I see it as the man I loved never existed and never will, I was conned and that makes me want to stay the hell away more than any of the abuse he has given me.
I keep saying it but I love this place!
Question for anyone…Are narcistic folk prone to actual premediated murder? And what if they are also likely borderline? Are these people capable of killing kids or whoever or are they too worried about losing their liberty?
Lilorphan,
You are right, he did come back to harm your life, just as mine did after I thought his apology was meant! When I found myself missing the nice part of him, I told myself the truth, that there is NO nice side to him, it was all a mirage! Yes, and he called me all the names under the sun and worse .. like I was the reason I was still on my own and was too old and would never find anyone, that I was trash etc etc..
My Bad man lives locally and I caught a glimpse of him yesterday and felt my skin crawl. I have maintained the rule no contact even after he phoned my friend threatening everything he would do to me and saying how much he wanted to see me suffer, the foul messages he left on my phone, all the missed calls day and night from ‘unknown caller’ and the calls he made to the police, every week the police told me..
They are all so predictable really, I just think that it should be a madatory subject at school for education about these Bad Men and ALSO Bad Women as they are just as vile as I have experienced and continue to experience – the Bad Woman my son has got entangled with has stopped him having contact with me and my daughter and sends back any mail that I send him, threatening that if I send any more, she will take it to the police as harassment! I sent him a download from ‘tears and healing’ .. and that was her predictable response and she sent it back last week, ripped to pieces.
There is only one word to describe these ******** and that, is EVIL.
Thankfully I feel over my S now and it is all thanks to Lovefraud, I will be eternally grateful. I will never forget the S, how could anyone but the anger has faded and pity has replaced it because he can never have what we can, the ability to really love anyone and will always be alone – THAT is the price he will pay for his evilness, he hates himself, he knows what he does to others, but he would NEVER tell you THAT, its much better to project, blame and ruin someone elses life!
He used to tell me he was UNIQUE, that I would never find another MAN like HIM! … wonder if he’s heard of Lovefraud.. !!
How I wish I could tell the next good woman he has his sights on …
Muldoon,
I feel the answer to your question is yes. They plot scheme and plan and premeditate everything they do, that is their warped idea of fun! They think they are much more clever than anyone else and think they can talk their way in and out of anything. They like to frighten and scare people and threaten, they get their kicks that way, they think they’re omnipotent!
Most make empty threats but Do tell someone if you are worried, go with your gut feeling, even if it turns out to be an empty threat, better being SAFE.
Muldoon,
Have you thought about a possible Injunction? It may deter, although these ‘people’ mainly see it as just a piece of paper, I remember my S saying that he had one to stop him from going anywhere near the school his children attended.. – this was all part of his pity play, that he loved his boys, his ex was mad.. and so on.. which he backed up with papers – forged for the purpose, no doubt! .. but to my knowledge he never went to the school.
muldoon,
Borderline + Narcissistic?
I dunno what he’ll do.
Here’s the thing. Not many guys do that. It’s just that when they do, the incident hits the headlines and we all take notice.
Your X is a bit more bonzo than most. You should be more careful about security for a long time to come. You should also document all his nasty, squirrelly, and aggressive behaviors. Anything you can get to prove he’s a risk, you need to have ready to present when custody and visitation become the issue.
If he gets unsupervised visitation, you would be smart to have him pick up and drop off the kids at the local police station.
I guess what I’m rambling on about is:
1. You can’t predict the future.
2. You can take reasonable precautions.
3. You’re more likely to lose a child to a car accident than to premeditated murder.
Getting away from him was really smart. Stay away. Do everything in your power to keep necessary interactions calm. Recognize that your most dangerous period is right now. As you separate and go through the divorce and custody agreement issues, he’s going to become very, very angry. Your biggest risk period is now ’til a year or three after the divorce. After that, you can relax a bit. The cooler and more distant you are, the less likely it is that violence will erupt.
Document, document, document. Your X doesn’t sound in the least bit discrete. You may be able to catch him in enough to make a difference when the custody hearing comes around.
Aloha,
I LoVE your blogs! How ‘on target’ you are, i so agree that they get soooooo boring. We have all searched our minds as to whether they actually believe what they’re saying, turned our minds inside out trying to puzzle it out, what a waste of our energy, of course they don’t believe it, they say it for one reason only – THEIR WARPED PLEASURE – TO SEE US SQUIRM!
Aloha–
Yes, she is Borderline Personality. In fact, she’s been diagnosed twice with it. I have trouble distinguishing between that and sociopathy, though, because many times, she seems even worse than BPD. I think the last psychologist wanted to give her a perjorative diagnosis because she was doing an evaluation for our custody dispute and only saw her twice. I don’t know. Either way, she’s a complete mess and likes to unload on my husband.
Would you mind if I called her “The Bad Woman?” I hate always saying, “my husband’s ex…” Seems easier. She doesn’t have any real remorse, only completely fake remorse. “I know I did things that were wrong, but I wouldn’t have done them if you hadn’t…” blah, blah, blah. She doesn’t have any capacity for love or empathy. She views everybody for what they can do for her. For instance, she only pretended to be my friend because she wanted my ex-husband. She tried to trap my now-husband by getting pregnant during their divorce. He still left her, but it left a path of destruction for him and me. And now a poor child is born whose original purpose was simply to be a trap. (That was his fault too, but we all know how manipulative these people can be, especially to people who’ve been spell-bound by them for years.)
The only respite we have is when she’s obsessed with a new man. Then she leaves us alone. But every time that falls through, she’s back to harassing my husband, coming around his work, calling for “parenting advice,” wanting child support even before he’s late. If she had the chance, she’d take him back in a heartbeat. The REAL reason would be because he can provide for her. Her OUTWARD reason would be, “get back together for the kids, even though I hate you.” But she would conveniently forget about all the dozens of times she cheated on him throughout their marriage, and didn’t even fess up to them until she got caught. She didn’t even need to confess to all of it. But it’s like she took some sick pleasure in sharing her dirty secret. “Look what I got away with for 6 1/2 years” mentality. Of course, she would make him feel like he hurt her worse by having an ’emotional affair’ with me during their divorce. These people have such twisted ways of thinking.
I have stopped obsessing to our family, because they thought I was the one with the problem. Of course, they don’t have to deal with her roller coaster of emotions, they don’t have to deal with what she does to the kids every week. They don’t have to deal with her accusations or manipulations. They’re amazed at my ‘new’ attitude toward her. How well I’m dealing with her now. Well, I am dealing better. I have decided she can’t be allowed to affect my life the way I had been letting her. Doesn’t change how repulsed I am by her and her whore-ish ways. The worry I have for the kids, and the fear of dealing with her one-on-one. I fear that because she has a way of getting information from me. I am naturally a nice person. I try not to make problems. She uses that, of course. So I make my husband deal with her. But then I worry about what she’s saying to him because I’m not there. And is she saying stuff that he’s not telling me about? He might be trying to shield me from her comments because he knows they hurt me.
Sorry, I’m writing a book here. I do feel like I’m getting better, but sometimes I just need to vent a bit, I guess. And sometimes I feel victimized again by family because they just don’t understand. Then I feel like maybe there really is something wrong with me. Why doesn’t anybody take my side? But disordered people have a way of making others think it’s impossible for them to be as bad as they really are. My husband’s sister still questions whether or not the bad woman molested my stepson. If you knew what the 4 year old said about sex, the female genitalia, and what he told the therapist about what his mom did, there would be no question. But you’d never think she’d be capable of it by looking at her. That’s where they have power over people. The judge didn’t even believe it! He’s such an idiot. Undereducated, and completely snowed by her. Anyway, I’m sorry folks. Kudos to you if you made it through my rant!