Last Memorial Day weekend, as I was picking out flowers for my mom and dad’s graves, my dad kept coming to my mind: What flowers would he like?……..Red was always his favorite color, I’ll get some red flowers……I should put a little American flag with his flowers, he would like that…….
There were a lot of scary, unsettling times in my life with my parents, but one thing that stayed pretty consistent was the soft spot I had for my dad. It sounds odd, because I was terrified of him.
Letting your guard down was never an option. The smallest thing would trigger a violent rampage. Yet, I’ve always had an inexplicable fondness for my dad. There were many times during my childhood when I defended him.
Reality is: he was not only a conscienceless sociopath, he was also a child molester. I know this. I should say my brain knows this, because it never quite reached my heart.
How can two totally incompatible feelings exist about the same person? This confused me a lot until I learned about traumatic bonding (also referred to in some cases as Stockholm Syndrome).
Human children are biologically designed to attach to parental figures. Since both my parents were sociopaths and I didn’t have any other adults in my life, I subconsciously picked my dad as the lesser of two evils.
There were rare moments when I’d tell a joke and my dad would laugh, or I’d say something that would make him smile. Or, he occasionally fixed air conditioners for extra money and he’d let me tag along. I lived and breathed for those moments. I still remember how good it made me feel to see signs of acceptance from him!
That was the reason I never spoke a word to anyone about our abuse growing up. Not only was I terrified of my dad, but if I “ratted” on him, I would lose his “acceptance” forever. In my eyes, that was the equivalent of being left completely and utterly alone in the world.
According to many psychiatrists, abuse interspersed with kindness deepens the attachment to an abuser. This is not only the case with parents/children, but in romantic relationships as well. And sociopaths have a keen sense of how much positive reinforcement to dispense to stay in control of their targets.
It is also why sociopaths want to isolate their targets from other people: the more time you are alone with the abuser, the stronger the attachment. Not only does it deter outside influence, but if the sociopath’s target feels resistance is futile, they will begin to succumb to the abuser’s authority.
This was something else my dad was keenly aware of, which is why my interaction with the outside world was kept severely limited.
My dad passed away many years ago, yet there is still that feeling of “attachment” lurking on the surface. People sometimes wonder what they would say/do if they saw their departed loved ones again. I’ve thought of this, too. If I saw my mom, I would probably run away out of fear of her hurting me again. But, if I saw my dad, I would hug him and say “dad, I’m so glad to see you.”
Wendy – your observations are so poignant. The fact that after all you’ve been through, and all those years, and everything you know, you still feel a connection shows just how deep these connections are. No wonder it is difficult for people to break free.
Thank you for your willingness to share. Your posts contribute greatly to our understanding of these involvements.
Maybe the bond can also be because our abuser didn’t actually kill us and we feel a sort of gratitude for that? Something to do with their power over us to have spared us….and we viewed them as superior?
Wendy,
Your story is so relatable to anyone who has experienced that double mindedness of that kind of bond. You always reveal such personal experiences but are so helpful to read. It’s heart wrenching to think of what an abused child experiences. I’m so sorry for you.
I’m in that place that you speak of, with my husband. I’ve read The Betrayal Bond and many stories like yours on various websites. But unfortunately, I still feel this intense love for him. My friends and counselor will list all the despicable horrendous things he has done, yet because he’s been so tender and loving to me, I still feel that love. As we have less and less contact because of his new attachment to his next victim, I don’t feel the addiction that I once had. I don’t long for him, but I still feel that love. Or maybe it’s attachment. I don’t know .
It doesn’t make sense and I wish I could reason with my heart. My brain is fully aware of who he is but my heart won’t catch up. I wish I knew a way to resolve the two conflicting emotions. I sure appreciate you putting into words the feelings I’m having. It eases the pressure I put on myself, because I don’t want to love him.
Stargazer, I’m always amazed at how in tune you are with your feelings of what you have experienced. Your dedication to your recovery shows. Thanks for the wisdom. I’ve implemented several of the suggestions you’ve posted in the past. It’s sad to hear of how you were treated and also how your mom was. The stories all end the same with selfish abusers, they just never get it.
HopingToHeal, I love your username because while you are waiting and hoping to heal, you are actually healing. 🙂 It happens when you don’t think it’s happening. Thank you for your kind words. I am so grateful to be part of this community.
See, I don’t think it’s a problem that you love your ex. I don’t think it’s something you should try to get rid of. It’s normal and natural to love someone you’ve been intimate with and shared many good times with, even if they are not good for you to be around. As much as I loved my mother, I could not be around her in the last several years of her life. It’s okay. It’s not something you should try to hide or get rid of. Just know he is not good for you and the appropriate distance with him is no-contact. If you must love him from a distance, you will still recover, as long as you keep him at the safe distance. Eventually, your energy will go in a different direction, and he will become less important. When? Who knows? It may take a while. But you can still live your life, still cultivate happy experiences, and when you least expect it, you will wake up one day and he will not be on your mind so much.
HopingtoHeal – I couldn’t agree with Stargazer more. I don’t think it’s a bad thing that you still love your ex, as long as you keep a safe distance to protect yourself. Also, it is SO important to surround ourselves with healthy people. Sometimes when we are in abusive relationships (or, in my case where dysfunction was all I knew) we tend to get drawn into other unhealthy relationships. When your friends and counselors list the horrible things your ex has done, instead of using it to try and “erase” the love for your ex, it might make a valuable tool of signs to AVOID in your next relationship! 🙂
More about my mom, she was neglected by her own mother as I mentioned. She tried to use the men she married and her own children to be her mother. I had so much anger about having to be my mother’s mother and about her not being a real mother to me. When I finally let go of the anger, I stopped feeling resentful. I just felt compassion for her. I once had a psychic tell me that I had been her mother in a past lifetime. “PAST lifetime?” I said. How about THIS lifetime? But anyway, I truly do wish I could have helped my mother with her healing before she died. But you cannot imagine the unresolved rage I carried around for so many years. I had so very many rages in my bed, in my car, at bus stops, and at some other inappropriate places. It took a long time to clear it out. Such a relief to be free of it.
Stargazer,
I love your explanation here. It feels familiar to me. My mom had kids in order for them to love her. She’d set us up to fight over who could show mommy the most love. Us kids hated each other. As an adult, I realized why. Because when you make your kids compete for the tiniest crumb of kindness, they resent the one who received it. (that and my siblings are borderlines).
I stayed away from my mom because she was a parasite and I was impotent, I could not do enough for her and I couldn’t stand the feeling of “not being enough”. I never outgrew wishing she would love me but I found other ways to feed my soul. And one day, I realized it no longer matter to me that she didn’t love me. I learned about her life from a cousin and with that knowledge, I felt compassion for her. I would never give her opportunity to soul suck me, but I did understand why she set her priority in trying to get love from others. She had a very very sad life.
I like your phrase, “to clear it out”. That’s what I feel happened to me. And as you write “relief to be free of it” is how I feel too.
I feel like I should end every post with a thank you because it doesn’t matter who I write to on here, we share so many common events on our journey through our humanity. Ironic because I used to feel SO ALONE. These people here and speaking their words of truth,… proof that we humans are not alone, not ever.
Dear NotWhatHeSaid: So maybe you CAN imagine the rage I carried around for so many years. Sounds like you went through something very similar. I could especially relate to the part about how my sister and I were never close and still aren’t because we were competing for crumbs. I remember throwing my sister under the bus a few times so I could avoid a beating and be the golden child. I can understand why my sister still doesn’t trust me and this is very sad, too.
Since I had pretty much no contact with my mother for the last 5 years of her life, it was plenty of time for me glamorize her healthy side – she did have one, though it was small. I remember her in many ways as the good friend she could be at times and close relationship I always hoped we’d have some day. Perhaps the reality would have been that if I had spent time with her, it would have gone bad pretty quickly and I would have felt angry and depressed. That’s why in my dream the other night, my mother was dying and I went to be by her side. When people are dying, this is probably the time in their lives when they are most likely to let their guard down and be authentic. I do wish I could have been at my mother’s bedside before she died to tell her I’d forgiven her. She was so needy of attention. But no one ever gave her the attention she needed. Certainly not my abusive stepfather. She used to do these attention-getting things. Like for a few years she used to say “I have an alien”. She made up this imaginary “alien” and gave him a silly name. She would talk about him as though he was real, and expect everyone to think it was funny. On the contrary, it was very sad that a grown woman in her 60’s had to talk like this for attention. And she’d have a way of looking at you like she was sucking in your attention. It used to make me angry and depressed to be around her. Now I just feel sad for her.
A few years ago, I had to look at my own narcissism, too. It was not pretty to look at. I was ashamed when I saw it. But when I accepted it, this helped me have more compassion for my mother – I could see how the pattern was carried down from one generation to the next. I have since worked at being less narcissistic. I will never know to what extent I am successful, because it’s hard to see myself through someone else’s eyes.
HopingtoHeal
Someone explained this phenomenon to me, that I could feel love for those tender moments that occurred between me and my ex:
The Love did not come from him. As a sociopath (this explanation only fits the sociopath dynamic), he could only pretend. He got his model for pretense from his victim, he studied us, his skill as a sociopath is to know what we want (because we tell them!). Those moments of connection mean so much because, in reality, we were connecting with the manifestation of OUR LOVE, the love copied about and for US. That’s why it’s such a powerful connection.
My ex, a sociopath, did not and could not have any love for me. He just took my definition/image/expectation of what “love” looked and felt like, and fed it back to me. Do you understand? WE are the ones who don’t fully comprehend how incredible our ability to love is. A sociopath can perceive it but they can’t FEEL it. No wonder they are so RAGEful that they must destroy it, rip it from us. Your, mine ability to LOVE, fully LOVE, is very powerful and life affirming and what I learned was not to waste it on someone who can not FEEL.
So you see, recovery does come about by stripping away our ego, and discovering the real person beneath. I KNOW who I am now, and that empowers me. But, I am careful to give credit to GOD, not to a sociopath. I would have learned my life lesson anyway because I am that kind of inquiring person. I learned about ME… IN SPITE of a sociopath, NOT because of him (just as I learned how to play music that feeds my soul…IN SPITE of my mother, NOT because of her).
Thanks Notwhat, very useful.
I think starting to develop authentic relationships with others – starting with yourself – will eventually direct that longing to connect away from the sociopath.
Hi there again Stargazer! Hope you are well.
Thank you so so much for your post, it has been incredibly helpful to me –
“I don’t think it’s a problem that you love your ex. I don’t think it’s something you should try to get rid of. It’s normal and natural to love someone you’ve been intimate with and shared many good times with, even if they are not good for you to be around. As much as I loved my mother, I could not be around her in the last several years of her life”
You may remember my mother allowed me to be abused as a child and this carried on into my 40’s…..until my stepdad died and then my half-sister took over…..why did this happen? Because I still trusted her judgement and believed her lies after over 30 years of being abused! So she kept placing me in dangerous situations and not letting me flee! Because she is my mum I love her but as long as I saw her the harm continued. Even though she lives the other side of the world, she just has to mention certain words like “abuse” or any word that reminds me of the trauma and I go into a rage! It is not by choice (if that makes sense) it just happens! I cannot control it then I dream of my trauma for about 2 weeks! Certain words she says brings me back immediately to what happened to me even though we are talking about something completely different! But it is only with her noone else!
You post was so great as it made me realise it isn’t perhaps good for me to have so much contact wih my mum. But I can still love her. People think if you don’t have contact then you have to stop loving the person so that is a reason it is so hard to have no/little contact. Maybe I can email her more instead and look at how to work on stopping these triggers that make me angry and distressed with her and with myself for walking into constant traps and fantasising years later what I should have done to escape at the time….
I remember life coach Tony Robbins saying at a seminar that there was someone he loved very much but couldn’t have them in his life. I couldn’t understand it at the time until your post explained it.
How did you get rid of your anger?
I cannot thank you enough Stargazer, I can still love her but change the method of communication. Thank you, thank you xx
Bally, I’m so glad my posts can be useful to you because that becomes a gift for me too!
To answer your question about how I got rid of the anger….it has been a long journey. It started when I was 16. I stood up to my stepfather for the first time. Rage poured out of me and I almost killed him. But then the rage went back underground and I struggled with depression for many years. I released the beatings in the middle of a meditation retreat when I was 23, with a lot of anger coming out. After that, when I was in my late 20’s I took Prozac for a few months and got in a women’s therapy group. Someone said something that triggered me, and off I went. I flew into a rage which continued at the bus stop and long after I got back to my boarding house. I raged for an hour or two. But this was just the tip of the iceberg. It took years and years of effort, a few visits with special alternative body work therapists, and a lot of self-determination to release the remainder of the rage. I’m sure I’m not done yet, either, but it’s at the level where I am generally feeling pretty good, and the waves of grief/anger are much smaller and more manageable.
When I was 48 (5 years ago) I was still very angry at my mother in spite of all the anger work I’d done. I wanted badly to be close to her but I kept getting triggered by her narcissism. The thing that finally helped me get past it was prayer. (And I’m not religious). I just didn’t want to be an angry person anymore. I don’t know if you read my post where I said that you become the person you want to be by simply being that person? I wanted to be someone who was normal and not constantly feeling like I had it worse than everyone, like I had this chip on my shoulder. So I prayed about it. The answer was that I needed to send one final communication to my mother. In it, I would list every grievance I had in a clear concise and non-attacking form. “This is what happened and here is how I was affected.” Then I had to ask her for what I needed from her in order to clear the slate. In the communication, I asked for money for dental work (from the teeth she broke that I spent a fortune fixing) and therapy money. I felt she owed me that. Her response was angry and narcissistic – as it has always been. But it didn’t matter. Once I stated my piece clearly and asked for what I wanted, I had released the final piece of anger and entitlement. I let go of my grievance. I had done everything I could do. There was nothing left to hold onto. The funny thing about this process that you can’t see when you’re on the painful end of it is that when the anger is gone, it’s gone. You no longer feel entitled to retribution or need anything from the other person. There is nothing left but peace and compassion, unbelievably. I was free then to choose what kind of relationship to have with my mother or none at all. I chose to call her every Mothers Day or to send her flowers. This was until one of the phone calls triggered me, so I stopped calling and just sent cards or flowers. My mother was not a sociopath. So you need to adjust this accordingly for your situation. With a spath, NC is the best scenario. But maybe you can write a letter you don’t send, if that works. I think if the only way for it to work is to send the letter, send it, as long as you don’t think it will be unsafe to do so. Do whatever is most empowering for you.
Over the years, I had many dreams (and still do) where I’m in a house with my mom and stepdad. I am feeling love and connection with them, but I’m standing up to them telling them what I will and will not tolerate – setting boundaries with them, as I could not do as a child. “It’s not okay to do this or that…..etc.” The dreams showed me that I can still love my abusers but just set limits with their behaviors. If it never happened in real life, at least I knew it *could* happen. I learned that it didn’t have to be all or nothing with them. I was free to love them and free to choose the distance that would be for both of our greatest good.
In your case, you were never able to stand up to your parents long into adulthood. So the first thing that occurs to me is that you need to take 100% responsibility for your anger as an adult. You cannot expect your mother to fix it or to change. You have to be the one to change. The best way to change is to stop expecting her to change and to stop expecting to get the love from her you never got. This puts you in a powerless position – you are dependent on her to change in order for you to be happy. The truth is that the power to make yourself happy is within your reach. But you have to accept full responsibility for your anger and be willing to let it go by whatever means necessary. Having that intention alone will raise your vibration (energy) and put you in a space where you are ready to heal. Then, instead of it being about what your parents do, what they say, how they abuse you, etc., it will be “How can I become happy?” “How can I let go of this grievance?” It is now about you and not about them. Maybe your answer is simply just to create more distance and not let her so close to you. Maybe you don’t need to write a letter like I did. You will find your own answers. But the important part is the intention. Intend to restore yourself to happiness. Then look for ways to do it.
Does that make sense?
Stargazer, thank you for your time and consideration.
Mum wasn’t a sociopath, she just liked abusive, violent and bully-boy men. Always. No parental reason for it – my grandparents were perfect. She wouldn’t date anything else.
I stood up to stepfather from a young age and for beaten and bullied more for it. Mum used to tell me to say nothing and not to protest at his mistreatment. She was still saying that to me when I was in my 40’s. I had no contact with him a few years before he died and he in turn isolated me from the rest of the family as punishment.. I don’t know what his disorder was, but he was disordered. She stuck my him even during his cheating. She was his third wife and his kids from a former marriage wouldn’t talk to him either. His son told me he hated girls and had one of his sisters adopted when a baby.
I will read your suggestions a few times and consider what best to do…..I had never thought of asking my mum for anything…like yours she wouldn’t give it….but it is letting her know these things that is powerful for recovery.
And correct she will never change – she is over 70 and has always had behaviour that left me scratching my head! So I need to change how I react to the triggers. I’m not sure how to do that because it is honestly like I have no control over it….just some word she says that reminds me of the abuse and in a micro-second my heart is thumping and I’m furious. With her. For putting me in that situation. For not stopping him or the others. For finding him attractive when he did that to me. For being a bad mother. For saying it was acceptable by staying with him. For not letting me go back to live with granny and grandad. For telling me as a child to not tell anyone or I would be put in a welfare home – this was when granny was threatening to tell the child welfare on him when she saw the abuse herself….as you can see mum was manipulating me even with that – she was saying I would be put away, not him.
Thanks again Stargazer, will consider. My thoughts are just now to limit contact to writing emails until I can think how to control my triggers that make me angry when she uses a word that sends me back to the past – because it only happens with mum not with anyone else.
Stargazer, Those little moments, like the ones you had with your step-father, make a huge difference for those of us with no real parents. I, too, was basically the mom in our family. I was thinking about what you said, about how you used to feel angry about being your mother’s mother. I admit I still have anger about not having a mom, but I’m not sure if the anger is towards my mom specifically, or just in general?
From most of my studies, it seems sociopathy is a neurological problem. My mom was a spath, so I know she couldn’t help how she was. She had an incurable mental illness. Yet, I still feel robbed.
For example, earlier this month I had a really hard time with Mother’s Day. For some reason it felt more “in my face” this year than others. I kept seeing commercials talking about “…..for all your mom has done for you” etc, etc. And it really ticked me off because I felt like I was stripped of the nurturing that for most humans (or even most species) is a biologically natural thing. I thought, even the friggin’ rabbit in our garden probably knows more about having a “mom” than I do.
Like you, I had almost no contact with my mom the last few years she was alive. I was with her, tho, during her last days when we knew her time was very short. I hugged her, comforted her, but she remained spiteful to the end (her last words to me were hateful).
That being said, I am working on ways to find joy and getting better. The spaths in my life no longer have control over me, so it is up to me to create a happier future. Excellent advice (as always) Stargazer!
Wendy, I cannot imagine just how bad it would be to have a mother who is a spath. Mine has some sort of disorder or something that is not right (lies, manipulates, always the victim, vindictive, dependant and only attracted to violent abusive men). And to have two parents that are spaths…..what a terrible childhood you had.
Mother’s Day….when you mentioned it it made me remember how I feel….I don’t want to give my mum a present as I do not think she is worthy of it. I also do not feel she is worthy of the title “mum”. I always gave her gifts for this day then a few years ago I moved abroad and, as Mother’s Day is a different day here, I haven’t sent her a card. Neither does my brother and she gets really mad and complains. An email is what I send. And I feel happier with that although she wants it acknowledged with gifts etc.
As I said I gave gifts in the past when living in the same country but it felt wrong to me. Like I was saying with these gestures that she did a lot for me and was a good mum when the opposite was reality. She only brought danger and abuse into my life from birth.
Yet she expects to be treated like she is the role model mother.
When my brother got his first job after leaving school he took his girlfriend for a weekend to Paris after a year or so of working – mum went nuts and screamed and shouted that she had never been to Paris yet he was talking this “sl*t”. She was throwing things around the house and thumping me for no reason. I was 17. My brother and I still talk about it. He said at 18 years old he was hardly going to take his mum to Paris instead of his girlfriend.
Mum took this all out on me and my brother. Instead of telling my stepdad she wanted to go to Paris.
When I was 15 I took a job outside school hours washing dishes in a hotel. Instead of having pocket money I was told by my parents that I now had to buy my own school uniform etc and anything I needed as my contribution to going to school. I had to borrow money from my parents in advance for my unifom and school shoes etc and give them the money back as I earned it. Although I was on a pittance and was in debt at 15 years old to my parents, my step dad even said I now had to also buy my mother Chanel perfume as gifts. I didn’t do it as I was already in debt – I can see even more clearly now just how crazy and abusive it was – I take on a job at school and then end up with debt to my parents because they resented doing what a normal parent would do for their kids. And it was an opprtunity to make me pay for it.
My brother worked 2 weeks away offshore and had 2 weeks home. They charged him board and lodgings also for the two weeks he was away. He complained but mum and she said she could rent out his room to others when he was away. She said there was food in the house and not her fault he was away working so couldn’t eat it. Of course, they wouldn’t be renting out the room, it was just an excuse to rip off their son financially. So my brother worked out it was far far cheaper to buy a house and take a mortgage than to pay the rent and lodgings for his room at home. That’s what he did. He bought a house. Then mum starting crying and said she would only charge him for the two weeks was at home…..
That is a small example of something her happened during 30 years of physical and emotional abuse. So I cannot imagine just how bad it was having Spaths as parents like you. It must have been so,so terrible for you and I’m so sorry to hear about your experience.
Bally, that is awful! I am sorry you and your brother went through that. Thank you for sharing your experiences, it sounds like our moms had similar behaviors. I am glad you are setting boundaries and no longer letting your mom guilt you into doing things you aren’t comfortable with (like sending her gifts or cards). In my case, when I let my mom guilt me into things, it encouraged her abusive behavior and caused her to do it more! When I decided the healthiest thing for me was “no contact”, she still tried to guilt me by sending me family photos with her face cut out, or she sent me greeting cards saying “I’m your mother and there’s NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!” But, it eventually stopped.
I wish the very best for you and your brother. As adults you are now free of her, which is a great thing. I wish I’d done the “no contact” thing much earlier in my life!