Last Memorial Day weekend, as I was picking out flowers for my mom and dad’s graves, my dad kept coming to my mind: What flowers would he like?……..Red was always his favorite color, I’ll get some red flowers……I should put a little American flag with his flowers, he would like that…….
There were a lot of scary, unsettling times in my life with my parents, but one thing that stayed pretty consistent was the soft spot I had for my dad. It sounds odd, because I was terrified of him.
Letting your guard down was never an option. The smallest thing would trigger a violent rampage. Yet, I’ve always had an inexplicable fondness for my dad. There were many times during my childhood when I defended him.
Reality is: he was not only a conscienceless sociopath, he was also a child molester. I know this. I should say my brain knows this, because it never quite reached my heart.
How can two totally incompatible feelings exist about the same person? This confused me a lot until I learned about traumatic bonding (also referred to in some cases as Stockholm Syndrome).
Human children are biologically designed to attach to parental figures. Since both my parents were sociopaths and I didn’t have any other adults in my life, I subconsciously picked my dad as the lesser of two evils.
There were rare moments when I’d tell a joke and my dad would laugh, or I’d say something that would make him smile. Or, he occasionally fixed air conditioners for extra money and he’d let me tag along. I lived and breathed for those moments. I still remember how good it made me feel to see signs of acceptance from him!
That was the reason I never spoke a word to anyone about our abuse growing up. Not only was I terrified of my dad, but if I “ratted” on him, I would lose his “acceptance” forever. In my eyes, that was the equivalent of being left completely and utterly alone in the world.
According to many psychiatrists, abuse interspersed with kindness deepens the attachment to an abuser. This is not only the case with parents/children, but in romantic relationships as well. And sociopaths have a keen sense of how much positive reinforcement to dispense to stay in control of their targets.
It is also why sociopaths want to isolate their targets from other people: the more time you are alone with the abuser, the stronger the attachment. Not only does it deter outside influence, but if the sociopath’s target feels resistance is futile, they will begin to succumb to the abuser’s authority.
This was something else my dad was keenly aware of, which is why my interaction with the outside world was kept severely limited.
My dad passed away many years ago, yet there is still that feeling of “attachment” lurking on the surface. People sometimes wonder what they would say/do if they saw their departed loved ones again. I’ve thought of this, too. If I saw my mom, I would probably run away out of fear of her hurting me again. But, if I saw my dad, I would hug him and say “dad, I’m so glad to see you.”
Thanks again Stargazer, never thought of that – that I only react like this with mum because she put those buttons in place. When it happens and I get upset she screams at me and hangs up on me and goes no contact. Her words are “just forget the past” but takes no responsibility for it. She behaves so coldly and acts the victim because I get upset. She makes me very angry because she put me in danger just up to a few years ago – it was over 30 years of abuse.
I don’t know why she was always like that, it doesn’t make sense because her mum and dad were such caring people. Granny once said to me when I was a teenager “you could put me in a dark room full of men and I would still pick a better man than your mum picks”. Any men she had met that were the “nice type” would last a date or two. She found them boring. They had to be bad boys of some sort and even one who she dated who was married with kids ended up in prison for embezzlement. He not only beat us, her kids, he use to beat her in front me and my brother also. And when he was in prison….it was a relief but boring when we had to sit in the car during visiting times. I cannot believe how we came from a nice family yet mum was behaving like we were from something quite the opposite!
There must be some reason that makes women sexually attracted to abusive men.
Bally, your mom sounds very much like mine. My mother’s choice of men could be an episode of Jerry Springer. Ironically, my inheritance after she died came from a lawsuit she filed against the jail where one of her husbands died because they forgot to give him his heart medication. He was there for soliciting a 14 year old girl.
Your relationship with her sounds very much like mine was for many years, and it does not sound healthy. So my question to you is now that you are well into adulthood, why do you let the abuse continue? Who is in charge of your life – you or your mother? You couldn’t set limits when you were younger. But you can do it now. This is your responsibility and not hers to direct how people treat you. If you want it to stop, then make it stop. If every time you talk to her by phone, she is verbally abusive, then stop talking to her by phone. There was a point with my mother when the only safe topic of conversation was our cats (we each had a few). We could talk and laugh endlessly about them without either of us triggering the other. It’s really up to you to decide what kind of contact with her is in your best interest. You do not have to keep playing out the same role you had as a child. She was never a good mother to you. But now you have a better mother – YOU. You can mother yourself and protect yourself from harmful energy.
It sounds like you may need to take a little space from her. I will tell you one thing – when you’re able to process some of the grief of her early betrayal, then she will not trigger you any more. She triggers you because you have stuff to work on. It’s best NOT to include her in your healing process. Work on this stuff apart from her. Then see if she still triggers you as much.
Stargazer, thank you again for taking the time to reply and offer advice. It really is appreciated and especially so from someone who has experienced trauma as a result of the behaviour of their mother, directly or indirectly. I’ve not had this opportunity with anyone before.
Mum and I get on well – until she mentions something that reminds me of the abuse. It will never be about talking of the past but a certain word, or talking of others she knows being treated badly by their partners, for example, will trigger it in me. I don’t even realise what is happening to me, it is all so fast, I get angry and all nervous and can hear my heart thumping in my ears. I honesty have no control over it. It is traumatic for me and for mum when I get angry/in a panic.
So it isn’t mum doing it to me, it is me doing it to her. I went no contact with my stepdad and half-sister about 6 years before he died. Both were abusive. She knew no different as that is how he treated me since she was born so it was a learned behaviour for her. Then mum said that he and my half-sister wanted me over for Boxing Day 2005 and please would I come. Mum begged me. She promised that it was going to be nice and it would be good to have the family together. I was in the house 15 minutes and stepdad and half-sister (14 years my junior) ignored me and wouldn’t acknowledge me trying to make conversation. I decided to leave very quietly. Sis in law spotted it and ran to get my half-sister. That is when stepdad and half-sister both attacked me and mum took the keys away from the door so I couldn’t escape. I had to threaten them all with reporting it as assault in order to escape.
Afterwards, when I was back in my own home mum drove over with step dad for him to apologise. I wouldn’t let him in my house and didn’t want an apology. She said he told her that he didn’t hear me speaking to him when I was in their house, so although he was ignoring me, he was furious that he thought I was ignoring him. So they were implying he attacked me because he didn’t hear me speaking to him. Mum didn’t realise just how unreasonable that excuse was. In their eyes the attack was justified. Nothing from half-sister and didn’t expect it. She is a mini-me of her father.
I really liked it when you said “But now you have a better mother ”“ YOU. You can mother yourself and protect yourself from harmful energy”. That is a great piece of advice. If we step outside of ourselves and do just that, I guess we will make better decisions!
How did you “process” your past? How long did it take you to heal?
You have been very kind to me to take time for my situation and I really, really appreciate it Stargazer. I’ve learned a lot from you on this.
It always amazes me to hear of the different abuse people put up from their “family” that they wouldn’t put up with from anyone else. I once had a massage client who was 55. Her sister hit her and insulted her on a regular basis, but she continued to hang out with the sister all the time! I don’t think our “family” should have any kind of red carpet to walk all over us when others are not allowed to.
I used to get triggered by my mom exactly as you do. She would bring up the past, and of course her memory was that I had an idyllic childhood with moonbeams and butterflies. It would upset me for her to bring it up because I had so much unresolved resentment. Or I’d observe her being abusive to one of her cats, brushing the cat hard with the hair brush in frustration because the cat wouldn’t sit still (like most cats). This would upset me, too. Eventually, I just had to break off the contact for a while, and then, as I said, limit it to an occasional email or Mother’s Day card or flowers. This was the healthiest distance for both of us. It was traumatizing to both of us to try to talk about anything really personal – it would trigger both of us, and we would say hurtful things to each other. I couldn’t even be in her presence without being triggered, for a while because the look on her face and her behaviors were SO attention-getting that I felt constantly manipulated. Eventually, there was so much water under the bridge it really couldn’t be fixed. Narcissistic people are not good for me to be around.
Healing has been a long hard road and it is ongoing. But it involves dealing directly with all the feelings about the abuse as they come up. When you get triggered, that means something has come up. You need to process whatever it is. When you have done this repeatedly enough times, it will get less and less and you will feel lighter and happier.
But if you keep going back for more abuse, nothing will ever change. You are expecting them to change and behave a certain way. Instead, they are abusive, but some part of you still expects maybe the next time will be different. It never is. Then, instead of doing something different to protect yourself, you complain about their abuse but keep going back for more, which keeps you in the victim role. If you don’t want to continue to be victimized, just stop going back for more.
Thank you Stargazer, I’m glad you were able to heal from it though I guess it can be still painful at times, but in general you are in a better place.
Bally, I’m not by any means fully recovered. I still struggle with self-worth issues. But even before my mother died, I finally stopped trying to communicate my pain to her and get her to understand what she did. I came to an acceptance that I would never have the kind of relationship with her that I wanted. And in fact, we didn’t have much relationship at all for the last 5 years. Once I accepted this and forgave the situation, things got easier. That doesn’t mean you no longer have hurt and betrayal. You need to still feel those things fully, just not around your abusive parents because they will retraumatize you. For the sake of your own healing, it doesn’t matter “why” they did what they did. What matters is that you stop letting them do it. Eventually, some day, you may have more understanding of why they made the choices they did. But it’s not integral to your healing. Learning to love yourself enough to put up boundaries IS integral to your healing.
I think those of us who never received real love from our parents spend our lives seeking the love we never got. This is why we get in and stay in abusive relationships. We are trying to heal those early wounds. The best I know about this is that I am learning to give that love to myself so I’m not dependent on it from others. I hope some day if I ever fall in love again, it will be someone with whom I can practice asking for what I need and actually get it. I believe a healthy relationship between two healthy people can be so healing, and I don’t believe human beings are meant to live alone. I still have not experienced this kind of love to any great extent except in scattered moments. I can only hope, Bally.
Wendy, thanks for your reply. That is so creepy, your mum sending you photos like that. Did your mum terrify you all the time? Mine was unpredictable, would behave nicely then if something annoyed her she would suddenly switch to the wicked witch of the north. My stepdad was just a bully all the time so predictable.
I remember when I was 18 she had asked me to do something when I got back from work before going out…it was trivial because I cannot remember what it was, maybe taking the washing out of the machine…well I forgot….when I got home she had taken my best eyeliner and lipstick and written abuse all over my mirror in my bedroom “you bitch, you will be sorry for this, I will get you for this in the morning, you bitch, BITCH, BITCH”. I cleaned it up and went to bed shaking….the terrible thing is that my stepdad constantly bullied and attacked me too so when mum took these evil turns I was petrified.
But mum liked to be seen as the innocent one, the victim, someone who couldn’t stop her husband bullying me. When I would cry she used to say “there is nothing I can do to stop him” or “don’t you ruin this for me!”.
Was your mum ever nice to you? As I’m now living abroad my mum checks on my house every couple of weeks….so she does things for me. However, sometimes I think that when we have had words (caused always by me having a trigger about the past) that she is then doing something to my home and there is nothing I can do about it……I’m at the other side of the world so I need to change these arrangements when I next go back later this year.
Do you have any fond memories of your mum? Mum isn’t a psychopath but there is something that isn’t right for her to behave like she did especially no stopping her husband treating her kids really badly. He didn’t even call us by our names…..he called my brother and I “the two objects”. She accepted that. Also when I was 12 he started to refer to me at times as a slut. The first time it happened I was practising strengthening exercises for gymnastics and he said “come on you silly slut”. I immediately stopped as I knew it was a “bad” word and told mum later in private. She said “that is just a little pet name he is calling you”.
I’m not free of mum…she is my mum…never thought of being free but I think I have to create distance as when I speak to mum it can trigger things from the past and I get really angry and distressed. That is not good for her nor for me. I wish I knew why she allowed these things to happen to us and why, in my view, she resented both me and my brother….perhaps because she split with my father before I was born and we ruined her life in her view.
How did you cope as a child when you had Spaths as parents? How did you escape to get a break in your mind if not physically? When did you realise they were Spaths? Did any of your family realise your suffering such as grandparents? Did anyone tell the child welfare? Your situation would have been a million times worse than mine.
OK this is totally off-topic to the subject, it’s just an expression of THANKS! for the website and for all of your voices.
It’s so hard to resist the “love bombing” and so tempting to believe that the love is really for us, or about us, when really it’s a disguise for sick needs and feelings brought forward by unbalanced people in our lives. These relationships are so destructive and malicious that I’ve honestly come to imagine that these are the Biblical “end times” and we are seeing the battle of Good v Evil being played out in our lives — not like a Lord of the Rings episode, but in the daily confrontations in which we are forced to decide and recognize (not just in others, but in ourselves) whether Man is essentially a moral creation — or not.
I feel blessed with your virtual company and support this morning as I resist the latest bombing episode, after 32 years of episodes I am so tired! but you have made it possible, if not easy, to identify that’s what it is and that I’m not going nuts. For this, there aren’t words of appreciation enough to express my gratitude.
Kathy,
I second you statement of appreciation for this site. Just reading here helps keep my head clear.
I also agree with your theory of the battle of good and evil. I am constantly in a battle and like you, I am so tired. Thank goodness for a community that is so supportive and informative.
My prayer is that God gives us eyes to see Him in the dark.
Stargazer, thanks again for sharing your experiences and I’m reading carefully and picking up a lot of good advice. “They will re-traumatise you” – that is exactly what has happened to me – either mum having thrown me to the wolves again or using words (not deliberately) that causes me to have one of my flashbacks of the abuse.
Can you, Wendy, me, others ever get to the point where we don’t even think of it again? It appears that even when they die they are not fully buried by us.
Also you said that “I think those of us who never received real love from our parents spend our lives seeking the love we never got. This is why we get in and stay in abusive relationships. We are trying to heal those early wounds”. This appears to be true….even my brother is married to a spath and his life is horrendous but he accepts it. Question is, why do we stay in abusive relationships?
You seem to have so much to give and are so wise Stargazer, I wish my brother had of met someone like you.
Bally,
You asked if you, me, or Wendy et al could ever get to the point where we don’t think about our past. I would answer that by saying I don’t know if that’s what you really want. Because if you did, there are things like electric shock therapy that could make you forget your past. I think what would be more realistic and a goal to strive for is to heal the unresolved issues from the past so you can have the memories without the emotional charge, i.e., you don’t get triggered. Yes, this is absolutely possible.
It always used to trigger me when my mother talked about a trip she was taking or a new car she was buying. That is because I was so resentful that she had never helped me fix my tooth after she broke it or help me with school, therapy bills, or pretty much anything. So I resented everything she did for herself. After I released the resentment, it no longer bothered me to hear about her travels and new things. Yes, there definitely can come a time when your mother will be talking her same old trash, and it won’t bother you at all. But for now, since it bothers you, you need to ask yourself why and really go inside and heal that piece of yourself that feels slighted, neglected, or invalidated. It takes some focus. Once you understand where you feel invalidated and what you need validation for, guess what? You can give this validation to yourself! I actually have conversations as the adult with my inner child. I listen to her feelings and validate her. It works. A good therapist can guide you in this process. Or you can do it yourself.
Every time you do this, you heal not only yourself but everyone in your family. You heal the family dynamic, so you are no longer carrying this around, and you won’t pass it on.
ColoradoKathy, yes it is great to have such support, first time in my life I have had it…..and from people I don’t even know. There appears to be every subject covered that has relevance to us as individuals from Spaths as lovers, bosses, parents. I’m glad it gave you strength to have the support….although I’ve been a target of a couple of psychopaths I think my main problem stemmed from my mother’s behaviour….and I’m only just working this out now from Stargazer and Wendy…..mum helped set the foundations for the life of abuse and I built the house on it!
I had a weak needy mother. She had cancer when I was 14 and died when I was 18. My father worked two jobs to support the family but he was distant and had violent raging attacks when he beat us. Just the girls, our brother was exempted from the physical part. He was the first born and it probably escalated over the years. I was the youngest, the bottom of the pecking order. There was love and support but not enough to offset the abuse. Mother allowed the older siblings to torment the younger ones.
I married a psychopath shortly after my mother died because he seemed safe. He was “just like me.” how could I know it was an act? He raped me violently on our honeymoon. For ten years I was his possession. Cognitive dissonance set in immediately because of my grief, youth and naivety.
I vowed to be a better parent than I had. I divorced the psychopath when he started abusing the children. I did not alienate the children but I protected them. But they were trauma bonded to him. My daughter says I was a wonderful mother but I changed. I did change when we moved within 50 miles of her dad and she started feeding me his lies.
I freaked and did everything I should not have done when she went NC with me. I am still guilty, he fed her ways to trigger me into a rage and then she learned how to do it herself. She uses it against me. Her NC brought back all of my prior trauma. I was on the verge of suicide. We now have a stand off with NC. I am not allowed to call, she does not answer the phone. I have no idea if she reads my email, I get no response.
Can any of you daughters help me know what to do. I have decided that nothing is the best thing but it is constant torment. I admit I was too attached and so was she but why must it be all or nothing? The am blamed for everything he does. 180% principle of psychopathy.
Your shares are so helpful to me. I hope mine are to you and we can look at both sides of the coin.
Hello All,
From time to time I read lovefraud again. I was on this website daily (sometimes major portions of the day) to seek answers and understand what had happened to me. This article really resonates and prompts me to log in and comment. I am divorced for 4 years now. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I really loved me husband. I kept convincing myself that he loved me too, but that he just didn’t know how to show it. He would tell me he loved me, albeit less and less frequently. I felt ashamed that I still loved him, knowing that he could no longer show love or proclaim love to me. The way he showed love to me was picking fights, insulting me, making me feel like I was never good enough, cheating on me, lying to me, hiding money, taking money and very selfishly buying certainly more than His share of “things” that didn’t benefit US, and on and on. So yes, a very strange way to show love indeed (sarcasm). This next paragragh I cut and pasted and should be read over many many times. There is a lot of truth in it and it’s a way you will all find healing.
See, I don’t think it’s a problem that you love your ex. I don’t think it’s something you should try to get rid of. It’s normal and natural to love someone you’ve been intimate with and shared many good times with, even if they are not good for you to be around. As much as I loved my mother, I could not be around her in the last several years of her life. It’s okay. It’s not something you should try to hide or get rid of. Just know he is not good for you and the appropriate distance with him is no-contact. If you must love him from a distance, you will still recover, as long as you keep him at the safe distance.
I did exactly this. And it works. I still love him, but in a very different way now. My former spouse is the father of my children and that’s it. I haven’t seen him in public for over 2 years now and I haven’t talked to him for over 3 years now. It’s nice. I like it that way. Breaking contact was a godsend and very healing. He wasn’t going to change – I think the mold was too set for he and I. As much as I asked for change, requested counseling and a different way to live and interact, It wasn’t going to happen. Do I still love him? Yes, a little. But here’s the deal…… the love was about me, not him. I am and want to be a loving person. I just give my love to him from a big distance.
It can be done. You don’t have to hate your ex, even if they were cruel, mean, liars, and cheaters. Just keep them at a distance, get them out of your life and don’t let them back in.
Feels so much better,
Honest kind giver
There is so much wisdom in your post, thank you.
Thankyou everyo.e ive ever talked to thinks i am the crazy one, . Also this super smart well 2 doctors at tribal health told me things that have mDe me no counsler ever did they made me feel good about myself and that i am not dumb. Ii had 33 yra with my first husband and over 7 with my 2nd husband who raped beat drugged me threatened all the time i do love him but the last time for some reason he looked like him at first, then for the first time he did not look like my husband????? Like him but not him, have you ever heard of something like that?
Yes, and you’re not dumb or crazy to think your 2nd husband looked and acted like he was “not himself.”
ColoradoKathy, I hope you are enjoying this lovely weather finally after the tornadoes and hail storms. I live in SE Denver, moving to Aurora soon. So greetings from a fellow Coloradan!
And the same back at you, Stargazer!