By | November 12, 2010 110 Comments

Traveling the distance

By Ox Drover

I got to thinking the other day about how our strength and ability to carry an emotional load of “stress” is sort of like a long-distance walk or ride or race. People who travel in various long distance endurance races, or just for their own purposes, have to limit the amount of weight that they carry. Some people who do long distances on foot even cut the handle off their toothbrushes to reduce the load they have to carry by even a fraction of an ounce.

If I had to carry a five pound sack of flour to our local post office, which is about three miles away from my farm, up and down several steep hills, I could do it without a great deal of time involved, but would probably leave me feeling that that five pound sack of flour was “pretty heavy” by the time I got there.  I am sure by the time I got to the post office, I would be switching it from hand to hand pretty rapidly as it seemed to gain weight. I could probably even carry that five pound sack of flour as far as the nearest town, about 13 miles away, though I would sure be tired when I got there.

However, if I had to pick up a fifty-pound sack of horse feed and carry it to our local post office, I could probably do it, but I imagine  it would take me several days to accomplish it. If I had to carry that fifty-pound sack of horse feed to town, I could probably do it as well, but I would be physically and mentally exhausted when I arrived there several weeks, or more, after I started.

It isn’t just the weight of what we have to “carry” in terms of a “load,” but also the distance we must carry it. When I was a kid I saw a western movie where the guy is crossing the desert and he has a pack with enough gold to make him rich for the rest of his life. Eventually, though, it becomes so heavy that he throws it away in order to get across the desert alive.

Psychopathic weight

As we go through our lives we all have stress to carry, and the weight of that stress can be pretty heavy, for example, a divorce or a death in the family, but we recover from carrying that heavy weight. We rest and recoup our strength, before we progress on further. With the psychopath adding not only weight to our stress level, but keeping the stress at a high level, both the weight and the distance (time) we must carry the stress becomes overwhelming.

We may find ourselves in the position of the prospector coming out of the desert with a pack filled with gold, where we have become so tired from the weight and the distance that we have carried something, even something valuable to us, that we have to throw it down and leave it in order to survive for one more step.

Sometimes we “throw down” our careers, our education, or even taking care of our own health because we are so stressed out and so tired from dealing with the psychopath that it seems we don’t have the energy to accomplish taking care of these things. We feel as if our very survival depends on dropping some of the “weight” of “things to do” off our backs immediately. We become distracted by the weight of the demands of our families, our children, our jobs, and our psychopaths that we drop the “gold”–in this case, ourselves, in an effort to reduce our stress and “survive.”

Lightening the load

The most important thing I think I have learned from the chaotic experiences I’ve had with the psychopaths is that I have to be in this for the long distance course. I have to reduce the stress and weight of the “things” I carry so that I have the strength and resources to keep on  carrying the “gold—”myself—for the distance.

I have to quit trying to carry the burdens of others who would rather have me carry them than hoist their own packs on their own backs and assume responsibility for themselves. I have to quit carrying unnecessary trivia, and distinguish between important things I need and things that I can do without. When it comes to “shared responsibilities,” I have to do my share and expect others to do theirs,  to demand it if necessary, and to use my judgment to decide what is a fair division of those shared responsibilities.

I’m in this life for the long haul, not just for a sprint! So I’ve got to adjust the weight of my burdens accordingly and put my own long term best interest and my ability to survive foremost in my own mind and heart!

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Oxy –

Thank you, thank you, what an amazing insight and it spoke directly to me this morning. I think I have let way to much “gold” slip away already and was getting to the point that I just didn’t care. I think I will print this and post it on the fridge.

Something I wanted to mention to you, and I hope I’m not out of line, but I know you checked into the Aftermath site some time ago. There is a man on there now who I believe you could really speak to, others are trying, but it is you more than anyone that could help. If you look in the active topics, you will immediately know who I am talking about. Again, I don’t know how you feel about this, just thought I’d mention it.

Thanks again for the excellent blog.


Ox Drover

Dear Milo,

Thank you for your kind words about my article, and I am glad that it “spoke” to you—I know it has taken me a long time to REALIZE these truths about myself. I “lightened” my pack so many times by keeping the psychopath securely seated on my back, and threw off the things I needed to survive!

I have swam “rivers of chaos” with a psychopath securely hanging on to my back because they were too lazy to swim, and every once in a while just for fun, they would duck my head under the water! LOL

As for the for Aftermath site, I no longer post there. One of the blog managers actually ASKED that I post my story there. My “story” was posted there, WITHOUT ANY NAMES or identifying information of either me or the psychopath, but because one of the psychopaths involved petitioned the board of directors to have MY STORY REMOVED, and one director was so afraid that they might “get sued,” my “story” was removed over the objections of the other directors.

There is more to the after story, but I can sum it up by saying “political infighting” and some “experts” who in my opinion do not know a psychopath when it bites them in the arse.

So I no longer go to Aftermath. I had great hopes that it would become, along with LoveFraud, a leader in the field of recovery for victims of psychopaths and that because there are some “well known names” and “experts” behind the site that it might be a link to the latest research information on psychopaths….unfortunately, I have not seen a great deal of growth or available help on that site. You might recall the time when the posts no longer went directly to the board, but had to be read and approved before being posted?

Since then, I have put my efforts here into Love Fraud where I know that there is ACTIVE help going on and that the site is reaching people. I would suggest that you might give him a heads up for him to come here, at which point I will be glad to interact with him.


Oxy –

Read you loud and clear. I see the same thing as you, and that is why I hesitated to mention it to you. I only mentioned it because as you said there seems to be very limited “available help” and that is very sad. I totally understand. I do not think they realize the full extent of the damage that was done when the post approval nonsense was initiated.

I am so glad your efforts are available here on LoveFraud, they are worth their weight in “gold”.

Thanks – MiLo

kim frederick

I. found aftermath, just prior to lovefraud. I posted there twice and it was the first time I ever posted anything, anywhere. I asked if there was any way of discerning a drug-addict from a true died in the wool sociopath, and shared a little bit of my experience with them, and they banned me.

I was astounded, but, they did say they didn’t want any discussion of illegal activities, so, I guess I did push the limits, and yet, it was an honest question, one I’ve raised here numerous times, and I think an appropriate one….Needless to say, I felt bruised and wondered if they thought I was One…It was only a day or two later I ened up here….and that has been a very good thing.


Excellent post Oxy!
The weight of the burdens and stress have flattened me like a pancake! I feel like I am living in what I call “shutdown mode”. I have alot of the Fark it’s going on. Walk by the garbage that needs to go out….. oh fark it, i’ll do it later. Need to go through the closet and sort clothes because of my weight gain….oh fark it I’ll do it later.
I know what needs to be done…. just can’t push myself to do it. I don’t want to do it. I don’t even want to leave the house some days. Thank God for the community meetings that gets me out of the house and around people. I am in beautiful sunny S Fla, there is so much I could be out doing. BUT I don’t want to. LOLOLOLOL I am my own worst enemy sometimes.
I guess having been overwhelmed with the multiple traumas that I don’t even know where to start. I made a list of small things that need to be done and I am pumping myself up to get up in the morning and start on it. I have always been motivated and organized so I get mad at myself. I went into this Fark it mode when I knew I had to leave my xspath and lost Mom.I hope as I heal more of the yes I am going to do it’s come back. I still have a room full of Mom’s things to go through. That will get done in time after I heal myself first.
Thanks again for the post!

Ox Drover

Unfortunately, quite frankly speaking (a little humor there!) I find that the EXPERTS as a whole (with few exceptions) live in their ivory towards of theory and wouldn’t know a psychopath in the “wild” without it having on prison stripes. The only ones they have recognized are those that are inside prisons, sort of like the difference between a “researcher” who studies monkeys in the ZOO vs Jane Goodall who lives with them in the WILD for 40 years! Who do YOU think recognizes a monkey when they see one?

Liane Leedom is one “expert” who KNOWS a psychopath in the WILD, and I think Bob Hare does, but the “ones” who rule the roost at aftermath and make the “rules” there which are so stiff
BECAUSE they are so afraid of controversy that they are THROWING OUT THE BABY WITH THE BATHWATER.

Donna may delete this post, as it is her right to do if she thinks I am out of line, but IF SHE DOES, she will e mail me privately and tell me WHY she thinks it is a bad idea.

I have sent her articles she has declined to post and she told me WHY—not because she is trying to stifle me, or to disrespect me, but it is HER BLOG, and I respect that, but the WAY A.M. goes about their “banning” and “deleting” I think is not a group with which I want to be associated with.

There are OTHER “help” groups that I also don’t associate myself with—and there is at least one fairly WELL KNOWN “expert” who presents themselves as this great guru “life coach” and author expert who is themselves (neutral gender here and no names) a PSYCHOPATH AND A FRAUD….and I am NOT referring to Sam Vaknin either….although the blog managers on one of his many “recovery sites” worked a “number” on me and others who first started blogging there….

So just like there are con people in every profession, and remember the guru who killed the people in the sweat lodge episode? Can’t remember his name (CRS), there are FALSE PROPHETS AND CON PEOPLE in the “recovery” industry too.

There are also some people who are VERY SINCERE and yet are harmful to recovery of former victims, not by design to harm but simply out of “good intentions” and Lack of REAL WORKING knowledge combined.

One of the things I most like about Lovefraud is that respectful disagreements are not only allowed but ENCOURAGED here, and the different opinions of different people, in various stages of healing and in various past experiences all come together to ADD to the healing “ointments” that are available to us.

Something I say might not resonate with you, but something Donna says might, or something Steve says might, or something Liane says might….etc etc.

It is like a big recipe for a healing dish…different people suggest different ingredients and each of us can try out, or add what of the suggestions we like or need or want and make our own UNIQUE DISH OF HEALING!

I have not found that kind of healing atmosphere ANYWHERE else on the net….Donna is very special and that is why LOVEFRAUD is so special. We have a very diverse community here in about every aspect of human diversity as far as religion, politics, age, country of origin, sexual orientation, etc. and unless we are afflicted by some passing troll there is seldom any hurt feelings and absolutely NO flaming allowed. What could be BETTER? I can’t think of anything. I stay here because I learn something new every day—a new way of looking at an old subject, or a totally new aspect of a psychopath, or of the healing recipe. I also feel WELCOME here, and I didn’t feel welcome at some of the other places, A.M. in particular and I’m sorry about that, because I do think their INTENTIONS ARE GOOD, I just think the controlling “experts” (Dr. Leedom excepted) don’t really “get it” about psychopaths.

Ox Drover

Dear Notcrazee,

You posted while I was writing…I know exactly what you are talking about on the shut down stage. For almost a year after my husband died in the plane crash, my son D and I sat like zombies inside the house, watching the dishes pile up, the dirt accumulate on the floor and we would say “boy, we need to sweep the floor” but it never got done. We DID feed the outside dogs, and cook enough to survive but we both LOST a ton of weight. He has not gained his back, I regained mine plus 60 pounds!

I went for days without changing clothes or washing, would forget to eat….it is called DEPRESSION.

I actually had episodes of amnesia…depression, etc. and PTSD sometimes over lap in the symptoms. We even may recognize what the symptoms are but are “unable” to do anything about it except “note” that we have it.

I STRONGLY SUGGEST that you go to a MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL (not your family doctor) and have an assessment made for the need for medication to help you through this stage. Even WITH medication I was so traumatized I wasn’t functioning adequately. I still have residual side effects, but am improved in mood and function. The worst one I have is short term memory deficit, but even that has improved to where I am reasonably functional.

Don’t beat yourself up for not having the initative to do what you know you “should” be doing (that only brings you lower) but DO go get an assessment by a mental health professional who DOES get what trauma can be left in the wake of a psychopathic attack and take it seriously!

Good luck and be good to yourself! (((hugs))))

kim frederick

Yes, thanks, Oxy. This is very good.

Being three years out of my (last) crazy relationship…I feel I have set down that (physical) burden, but, at times, I have to remind myself to put down the emotional baggage as well.

It’s hard to go through life weighed down with so much loss and sadness. I am a lot like soimnotcrazee, I isolate and keep tp myself…don’t feel much motivation to be around others anymore….thank Goodness for my cat…he’s my best friend, and I am still taking care of my grandkids, so I see a lot of my family, but this recent “hot mess” with my SIL has really taken it’s toll. Looks like I will be on my own because my daughter is going back, and I feel so hurt and angry. I know, I know, it’s probably for the best, but it hurts to be driven out and exiled, while they all get to have each-other and be a family.

I’m trying to view it as a new begginning, and I am kind of excited about having my own small space, but I’m a little afrais of the isolation.

This is just afge. You know afge, don’t you? It’s short for, “another fu–ing growth experience”. LOL

Ox Drover

Dear Kimmie,

I am sorry she is going back to the creep, but they will not be a “family” again.

You and I talked about this UPCOMING “growth experience” for you a few months back…remember? So I know it is not any BIG SHOCK to you that it was going to happen. There was a big triangle “game” going on between you and him with your daughter in the middle of the game, and the prize. Sooner or later he was going to push her to “choose” between you and him…it was just a matter of time…so I DO think this is a growth experience for you, and I think you will DO JUST FINE.

As long as you were living in SIL’s house you were in a ONE DOWN position of power, and he knew that and used that against you. With your own place, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN PLACE AND YOUR OWN POWER.

It is the old deal about “he who has the gold makes the rules” or in this case, “he who has the lease/mortgage in his name makes the rules” so if you are living under someone else’s roof, THEY make the rules.

It is that way at MY house for sure! My house, MY RULES, that is why son C is out of here for lying to me. He knew the rules and violated them and he is OUT.

I am no longer SHY about enforcing the rules either. Just like with my best friend’s sister that spent the night here the other night as they were passing through (this sister is pretty dysfunctional to say the least, lots of Borderline PD qualities about her so she’s not one of my favorite people) but she was shining LED flashlights in her sisters eyes and my eyes, and everyone else, thought it was FUNNY…It hurts! and I asked her nicely NOT to, and she started doing it worse and laughing about “don’t tell me NOT to do something because then I WILL do it” and I said QUIETLY but FIRMLY, “If you shine that light in my eyes again, you will be picking pieces of your false teeth out of your ass.” The room got QUIET but she didn’t put the light in my eyes any more or anyone else’s. I waited about 30 seconds then restarted the conversation in a “cheerful” tone.

And you know, she may have been a “guest” in my home, but I am no longer compelled to put up with HATEFUL behavior just because someone is a “Guest”—DUH! I wish I had figured that out a few decades ago. LOL

My house, MY rules. I ask nicely the first time, then the second time, firmly. Don’t like my rules, go home and don’t let the door hit you in the arse on the way out.

I think everyone should have their own place to make their own rules.

Though son D lives here by choice, both my choice and his, he knows the “rules” and I don’t intrude on “his” space, and fortunately the farm is big enough that we can each have our own space, but the “rule of honesty” is nothing he ever violates and he knows if he chooses to violate that, he is free to move on.

We disagree on things from time to time, and we treat each other with respect and do not violate the “dishonesty” rule–we are honest and respectful to each other–so not all disagreements are differences in principle. You can disagree with someone 180 degrees and still treat each other with respect and get along well with each other even be happy living together, but differences in principle are another problem entirely.

Good luck, Kimmie, you know I am in your corner and I know this will be stressful on you, change always is, even change for the better! ((((hugs)))) Love Oxy


Wow that a big pill to swallow Oxy! I guess I have given myself to much credit for thinking that i could battle this on my own and with the tools I could find online and in books. It’s not like I am in anyway going to harm myself or anybody else. I’ve only been posting here a couple of weeks and I already feel much better and realize that I need to make an exchange from the negative energy that has been in my veins to the positive energy I had prior to xspath.
I can call my health insurance and get a list of Dr’s, but how do I know who really understands the trauma of a psychopath? Call the Dr’s office and ask a receptionist? would they know? University of Miami is the Behavoral Health provider for my insurance. They have Dr’s all over a 4 county area. I need to think about this one.
Thanks Oxy!
maybe I am the crazee 1!!! LOLOL just got some of the lingering crazee’s from xspath!
PS. Sorry about your late husbands passing

kim frederick

Well, the thing is, Oxy, he is scape-goating, and just as soon as I am gone, he’ll start picking on someone else…like my GS? He will stop at nothing to impose HIS will…and it is only HIS WILL that matters. My daughter pays half (or more) of all the bills, her wants and desires should be just as important, but, I know he will use emotional black-mail to get his way, always. I see through his bullying, and I’m sure there will be another issue soon, and I am so hoping my daughter gets a belly full. For my part, I have no desire to have any contact with him whatsoever, so, unfortunately, that will effect how often and under what conditions I will see my daughter. He escalated this into the stinking, steaming hot mess that it became, never gave an ounce of thought to how it was effecting EVERYBODY else, and now I’m sure he is gloating, and because he did finally succeed, he has been rewarded for his bullying tactics, and next time will probably be even worse.

He’s as bad as my 20 month old grandson who throws temper tantrums, and is convinced that if he wants something, then he’s entitled to it.

I am not for one minute, saying I am without fault. But I wasn’t the one dictating to him. I was trying to mind my own business. But him? Everybody and everything, (except his own issues) Is his business.

I don’t even want my name mentioned in his presence. I may not have much power, but it can’t be a really bright move tp piss off the MIL. I wait for the day my daughter leaves. And she will…..


Your in a no win situation. Next, she’s going to be pulling away from you, because YOU know too much.
For her to remain in this relationshit, YOU have to be ‘gone’- removed, he’ll convince her of that. Blame their marital issues on YOU, your interferance, your control, your meddleing……you know the gig.
It’s the only way she can continue to lie to herself and she can’t tdo this with you living there.
You NOW know too much!
Plus, your her exterior conscience. You ‘see’ the behaviors of SIL.
She’s going to stiffle her ‘conscience. (You).
Your going to have to remove yourself emotionally from HER problems, even though you see the writing on the wall.

I did this too…..push away peeps who knew too much of the inside reality of my relationshit.

Expect this…..plan for the emotional impact.

I’m sorry your in this situation……but I think,after the processing and move…’ll be in a much more freeing position and healthier for YOU.
Tha’ts what’s most important to you….is YOU!

Good luck Kimmie….

Ox Drover

Dear Notcrazee,

Being depressed or having PTSD is NOT being crazeee! Taking medication if you need it or going for therapy is NOT crazy.

As far as knowing which psychiatrist would “get it” you have to make an appointment and go see them….the psychiatrist or Advance Practice Nurse who Rx’s the medications doesn’t have to really “get it” about ps, but get that you are A) depressed or B) may have PTSD and treat you appropriately, a THERAPIST is the one who really has to “get it” about a psychopath.

Getting appropriate mental health treatment and therapy is not about being crazy, it is about taking care of yourself…depression is like diabetes, you wouldn’t say “Oh, I don’t have to take insulin, I’ll just tough it out and take care of it myself” Sure, you have to ALSO take good care of yourself with diabetes, but if you need insulin you take it as well as eat right and exercise. (I know, not all diabetics have to take insulin but for those that do, this is just an example)

I worked in mental health for some years and I Rx’d medications for others, and BEING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE CLIP BOARD was a big step for me, but I TOOK it because I knew I NEEDED TO.

TAKE Care of YOU!!! You really do sound depressed and there would be something ABNORMAL about you if you were NOT depressed after a run in with a psychopath! (((Hugs)))


AFGE…. I like it!!!!!
Not crazee!!!

Ox Drover

Dear Kimmie,

Darling I think EB is right….and even if you were 100% “innocent” in this situation, he is a CONTROL FREAK, and she is allowing him to do so….and as much as you love her, as much as YOU see what is going on, until SHE does…it is just like the thing in AA no matter how much YOU know someone is ruining their life with alcohol, until THEY see that they will not stop drinking.
Sometimes it takes an alcoholic to fall flat on their backs before they can “look up” and you know that, so just look at this an a LEARNING OPPORTUNITY FOR YOUR DAUGHTER.

TAKE CARE OF YOU is the “primary directive”—you can’t “save” her from him, or from her own choices, all you can do is to take care of YOU. You know that drill Kimmie!

I wished so much I could have successfully given son C the chance to get back on his feet financially, emotionally and every other way, but he chose not to take it, he chose instead to stay in financially poor situation by his spending habits, and he earned that money so it was legally his to spend any way he wanted to, or to throw away or waste, but…..that wasn’t the agreement for him to live here. It HURT Kim, because I know that a) sooner or later the company he works for will close when the ELDERLY sick owner dies b) he will need a new vehicle and has no credit now and no savings etc etc. or whatever happens where he needs money or a “helping hand” or “loan” and won’t have any…..and the bank is closed here—because he did not do what it took to HELP HIMSELF.

Your daughter may pay half the bills, but HE is going to make the “decisions” about control of the household. That is what control freaks do….or he will make her life miserable.

He will continue to make her life miserable after a short time of pretending that YOU were the problem….but whether or not she stays is up to her choice. I hope she is able to make good choices, and that you can maintain a relationship with her that is OUTSIDE of the relationshit she has with him.

Right now, though, I just caution you to TAKE CARE OF YOU! ((((Hugs)))) Love Oxy

kim frederick

Thanks, EB. I really hope you’re wrong. I really hope I don’t lose her over this. She’s such a lovely, open-hearted person.
I never really thought about it on those terms, but, I’ve been sort of feeling it, I guess. That’s probably why I’m so dissappointed that she’s going back. I kind of feel duped…that she knew all along that she was going back, but just wanted to appease me. Yeah, it hurts.

I can honestly say that I have not been a meddling mom in this…I never got into their disputes, or tried to interfere or control anybody…until now, I suppose. I know she’s torn. A big part of her does want to leave, but the timing just isn’t right, and she is probably hopeing that everything falls into place when I am gone. That hurts, so bad, but, Like you said, I have to let her problems go, and let her live her own life.

Yes, I know this is probably the best thing for me, but it doesn’t feel that way, right now. And my daughter is trying really hard to be good to me. I know this is really hard for her too. I hope he doesn’t manage to turn her against me…I don’t think that will happen, but you’re right EB, I better back off and quite bitching about it. I have to trust that eventually she’ll get it, and get out.


kim frederick,

I read that you will be having your own “digs” soon. Knowing that how you got to this point was not easy, I still hope that you can make a wonderful home for yourself, a sanctuary. Peace.


Thanks for your input Oxy. I need to digest this.


kim frederick

Thank-you, blue-jay. We went and looked at a couple of places, yesterday, and one of them is this tiny little cottage, with a lovely covered front porch that I picture with ferns and petunias, and a couple wooden rocking chairs. It has a big back yard for my fur-person, Pinky-doodle, and is very close to shopping, and down-town. It has lots of sunny windows, that I picture with some frilly country curtains, it has a fire place, and a cute small kitchen, nice ceramic tile floor that I would cover with a braided rug….It is very small, though, and I don’t want to get clostraphobic. There is no seperate bedroom, so my bedroom/living room would be stuffed.

I can’t stress enough how cute it is, though. Kind of like a granny’s doll house.

The other place is a garage apartment. It has a seperate bedroom, so is not so small. It’s location is not quite as good, but not bad. It has a cute modern kitchen, but no porch. Pinky could be happy there, but it definately doesn’t have the charm of the tiny cottage.

I think we are going to look a little more tomorrow, but if I don’t find something else, I’m wondering which of these two to choose. What do you think?


The one that you would be most comfortable in, the cottage. Decorating your own place will be fun, relaxing, allowing you to be creative. I imagine that you’ll enjoy the quiet, peaceful existence, allowing you to definitely work on you, living your life on your terms, being free to be yourself. Your house can be a “breath of fresh air”, like you are.

Ox Drover

Kim, one of my dearest friends is married to a drama queen that I cannot stand, but I put up with her sometimes in order to see my friend—so for RIGHT now, you can put up with “IT” some for your daughter’s sake. Your daughter obviously loves you or you wouldn’t have been there as long as you have—and “It” wouldn’t hate you nearly as much if she didn’t love you! (Hows that for backpath thinking! LOL)

This does not have to be the end of your relationship with your daughter. Just by you continuing to BREATH he resents you because you are in her life…I doubt if there was a thing in the world you could have done EXCEPT stop breathing that would have made him like you any more! So don’t sweat the SIL–IT ain’t gonna ever like you, but I doubt that you will curl up and die and quit breathing because of that! LOL (((Hugs))))

LIke BlueJay says, pick the one that you feel the most comfortable in…I’ve had little studio apartments like the “cottage” that were adorable and–BTW–THERE IS A LOT TO BE SAID FOR DOWN SIZING I am doing that even as we “speak”—spent most of the day doing fix-it stuff in the house and yard, putting up storm windows, and discovered that someone had sat in my cute delicate little antique folding rocker that I LOVED and broken the bottom of the seat—I looked at it and thought “I can fix that” but realized YES I CAN but I probably would never get around to it, so it would sit in storage for 5 years and THEN I’/d throw it out, so guess what—it is on its way to the DUMP.

I went through my clothes a while back and realized I had 50 Tee shirts with “one small stain on them, but good enough to wear for working around here” and I threw out 45 of them!!!! Use them for rags and donate the rest to the pet rescue for rags and “beds” for the doggies and cats….why keep 50 FIFTY tee shirts that are ONLY good enough to wear to work in? I OWN A WASHER AND DRYER! Ditto with the old jeans and other stuff, so the amount of clothes I have are hung in the closet no wider than my arms can reach. One set for each season (cold or warm) why do I need “more?” I have a “church” dress and a “go to the doctor pants suit” and a “go to a wedding” dress and the rest are jeans and tops, and layers for the inbetween seasons.

DOWN sizing is getting in vogue now too—the real extreme guys who down size are getting down to 100 items including their toothbrushes. I saw a guy on TV the other day that is into the down sizing to 100 items. I’m not nearly like that, but I AM down sizing a bunch! I’m tired of dusting it!

See just how cute you can make your place, and convenient and make it JUST YOURS with just YOUR stuff and your fur ball! If the littler place appeals to you, then take it and just make it your little special place! (((hugs))))


Love you Oxy…….

Ox Drover

Dear Southernman,

Thanks, I luv you too darlin’!!!! Where have you been? Miss you when You stay gone so long! It isn’t often (enough) that I have some handsome guy declaring their love for me! LOL Henry still won’t go straight and marry me so I’m still single!!!! LOL

The last of the wonderful Indian Summer I think was today and son D and I took advantage of it to work outside, but I’ve come back in to stay, though the sun is still out! We had to cut down a tree leaning over the house last weekend, and today we pulled brush and put up storm windows, and I’m going to have to redo my “rock and native plant garden” that was under that oak tree we cut—no light there and the high acid soil precluded anything but wild plants growing there and now the area is opened up to sunlight and the acid will be less so if I don’t plant something grass and weeds will grow!

That’s for another day though! I’m parking these old bones for the evening now…with Daylight savings time gone, 3:30 seems like 6 p.m. now! I put in 5 hours of manual labor and up and down a ladder already and that’s enough for today! (((hugs))))


Well Oxy I was just checking out the posts and liked yours here….

Last week I was given some news that my ex-sociopath (47) has struck again…seducing a much younger man,(33) moving in with him, becoming pregnant and marrying him only to leave him four months later after the wedding. Her agenda was clear.. the young man was due to inherit a sizable sum of money when his grandmother died… The sociopath waited around long enough for the death of the grandmother and when the money was either less then expected, or didn’t come at all, she bolted and perhaps aborted the 5 month baby and filed for divorce.
I was told that she played all kinds of mind games with him and his family, led everyone to believe that he beat her, convinced him to buy a “bigger” home, would leave him and come back, act crazy, then leave again, come back…acted like two different people… told so many lies that no one knew what was true…. the young man is of course pretty messed up about it all… My ex-socio was pretty stupid though… couldn’t keep the mask of sanity on long enough to get her hands on the money.. The young man’s parent were the execators of the will and when they saw all the crazy, bizzare behavoir, they held on to the money….

All of this info was just dropped into my lap a week ago, so it has my head spinning as well, and has drudged up some hurtful memories of my past with her…except for the marriage and the baby thing… it is exactly like my relationship with her..and the time frame is nearly the same as well… one year or so long…..I can just imagine her charming her way into his life and into the hearts of his family… only to change into a crazy, gold digging nightmare right before they very eyes….. this man got all the things I wanted with her when I was with her… marriage, baby.. and to be able to look at what would have happened to me if I had got what I thought I wanted with her.. well’s like getting the lesson without having to go to school…..As many of the longer time readers here know… I have struggled for years with a betrayal bond with this women, even though contact was ended nearly 5 years ago…..Today… I made a appointment with a highly recommended therapist to finally get to work on removing this bond… He told me over the phone that it is a common thing with sociopaths and that he has had good treatment results…..In many ways.. I believe that I was suppose to learn of this latest, ugly thing she did to someone else, as it is a motivator to me to be rid of the betrayal bond I have had for many years….
So Oxy… I am ready to lighten my load as well…. wish I had done it sooner.. but glad it finally came to be…

Ox Drover

Dear Southernman,

I think the teacher comes when we are ready to listen to the lesson, and with me I know that God has been patient and has allowed me to “retake the class” every time I flunked getting the lesson! LOL

The down sizing thing is only a part of it…both in lightening my load of things and baggage I drag along, but in decreasing my own bulk and starting to lead a healthy life in ALL the aspects of my life…physical, emotional, mental, financial, etc etc.

I know you’ve done a lot of work on other aspects of yourself and now maybe it is time to work on this one aspect.

I don’t know if you remember or not, but I used to have to “project of the week”—like this week would be “learning to set boundaries” and next week would be something else to work on. LOL And actually, I think that is a pretty good way to look at it. So this “week” (or whatever time frame is appropriate) it is time for you to work on the “betrayal bond” you formed with her, but sometimes we just aren’t ready (yet) to work on that particular aspect of our healing.

This whole thing is a process, a journey, not some “destination” that we reach and then we are “perfect.” I think in the past I thought I would reach some sort of “place” and I would be DONE, but finally realizing that it isn’t just about reaching some stage or some place or some nirvana, I realize it is all about the journey TOWARD peace. The closer we get the easier it is, the better life gets, but we aren’t ever going to be “perfect.”

I read a very inspiring story today bout a guy who weighed 420 pounds and was eating 10,000 calories a day…he was only 30. He finally made up his mind to eat RIGHT FOR LIFE and to exercise and started on a 2200 calorie eating plan, FOR LIFE. He now weighs 200 pounds and realized this is a LIFE CHANGE not a “diet”—and when the time is right, we make those life changes. Sometimes some people never reach the “right” time and don’t make those changes, but those of us who WORK steadily at making changes, FIND those times, those RIGHT TIMES.

I have EVERY CONFIDENCE in you Southernman! You can and will do anything you set your mind to! When the time is right! (((hugs)))) I’m glad that you are finding a good therapist who knows what you are working with too. That’s great!!!! God bless.



I LOVE your articles. I’d rather read articles by people who have lived the nightmare, than read articles about sociopaths “in the news”.

Well done Oxy. You offer so many of us SUCH great value.

Peace Sister

Ox Drover

Dear Soul,

Thank you dear! I appreciate that and glad you like my articles. There are some amazing things though to learn from the news articles about psychopaths too.

Seeing how these people who are at the polar ends of the spectrum think and act, and how totally uncaring they can be….how narcissistic they are…etc….sort of makes us understand the more common “garden variety” psychopaths we have had to deal with.

Some of the ones I’ve dealt with ARE the polar ends, my P-son for example, or my p-sperm donor, and others are like my X-Daughter-in-law that everyone thought was so “sweet” and self sacrificing to take care of her son with MD—but I knew from the get go that this woman was “trouble” when my son C married her. Couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew in my gut she was “trouble”—I didn’t realize until her arrest that she was AS MUCH trouble as she was, or that she would have killed my son C (her husband) except for the grace of God and a cop being near by at the time he called 911. She PLANNED IT is what makes it worse, it wasn’t a crime of passion, but a pre-planned murder.

We can learn a lot from the “news” media psychopaths because a great many of them at first just appeared to be “billy bad asses” or “trashy” or even just “self-centered” but they can also be masking some SERIOUS danger.

Twenty-five percent of the women killed in this country are killed by husbands, BF, or lovers NOT STRANGERS and I will bet dollars to doughnuts that not one out of ten of those women every thought that he would “do such a thing”—even if they fought and he hit her, they never really believed he would KILL her, but he did.

So I’m “paranoid” but I am also realistic enough to know that even the worst psychopath in the news was someone’s baby boy, was some one’s cute little girl toddler—but grew up to be a con person and/or a killer.

Donna’s story and the other nearly 120 “true lovefraud” stories on here all sound pretty far fetched and unbelieveable but they could have been ANY OF US.

Know your enemy! And, they are the enemy!

Anyway, glad you like my articles. I’ll try to whip out a few more between clearing brush in the yard! LOL (((hugs))))


Dearest Oxy, what a fantastic article!You write so well, I hope you find time to write that book one day!You remind me of John Bunyan, who wrote the Pilgrims Progress.
You sure have” walked the walk”, and are well qualified to “talk the talk!”
Im getting there, slowly, took to heart what Hens said, re “not getting any younger, LOL! Never been this OLD before!
But I cant put myself back by getting ashamed of feeling anger,I am getting out of it.I must have needed that anger to free myself from Spath Ds.Kind of a rocket fuel to propel me away from them for good. I cant pretend its easy, and I still think of them every day. But at least now I KNOW that I KNOW what they are and there is no help or cure for them. I have for my sanity, and well being to stay NC for life, and thats hard to accept. but Im getting there. If OXy can do it, so can I!!
Now all I aim for is the Nirvana of Indifference, and hey if YOU were able to do this re your spath murdering son in jail, SO CAN I and I WILL!!Love ya heaps baby! And all of you! Mama GemXX

Ox Drover

Dear Gem,

Just like we “bounce” from one stage of grief process to the next and back again, sometimes Ii get to “acceptance” or “nirvana” of indifference, and stay there a while, only to RE-gress some for a while. Pro-gress and re-gress but the highs are not so high and the lows not so low, and the waves don’t come as often any more.

It is a process and a journey, not a destination. I know I keep saying that over and over but that was such a TURNING point to me to realize that.

Don’t expect to have things just “turn a corner” one day and you don’t even remember you had them…for good or bad they are part of your life, but the memories don’t have to HURT SO BADLY.

I can remember the cute little freckle-faced boy that P son was, and the time he won a ribbon at the county fair for his duck… I no longer have to not think about that cute little boy because it reminds me of the monster that is in prison.

I’ve been able to separate those memories, but it is a continual work in progress.

Each day is a decision and each day I try to make the decision to feel good, to be happy, to enjoy the blessings I have….and to take notice of those blessings. Today I was caulking on the back side of the house around the windows, and the woods down the hill are starting to open up as the leaves fall. This year has been so dry so the leaves are like a fluffy goose-down feather bed over the ground and crisp and snap underfoot. The prettiest yellow butterfly came up and just would not go away. I finally stopped and just looked at it in wonder and thought how beautiful it was out today with the warm Indian summer sun on my back.

My muscles ache this evening but I feel really peaceful and just tired from working. Son D has company tonight and tomorrow they will pick up another Boy Scout Camp Staff member and go 4 hours away to the funeral for one of their friends. He’s had enough funerals to last a much older man lately, and this one is another young woman, only 42, who was healthy and well until 6 months ago, and now is deceased with cancer. So we never know when we will pass, and we should enjoy each and every day, each and every hour we have! I won’t let the psychopaths ROB me of another minute of my sanity or peace!

The best revenge is a good life! (((hugs)))) Love Oxy

super chic

Oxy, very good article! I relate to many of the comments also, the zombie (me)… isolating myself (me)… depression (me). I need to put some of this stress somewhere. sigh


You must be worn out with all that work on the house and the farm and still typing and giving all the help you can to us injured soldiers of survival of a psycopath! Whew!! and you claim you are getting older!!!! My ARSE, you are just getting better with age!!! Keep it up!!! We all need your posts and stories! Have a great nights sleep!
PS. My thoughts on the butterfly, that was a visit from an angel of peace!
PSS. The reason I say that about the butterfly is becuase I have always felt that my parents were looking down on me from heaven and sending me a blessing of peace and security whenever I see a butterfly. We all loved butterflies! Hence i have a butterfly garden!

Ox Drover

Dear Notcrazee,

There are so many angels of peace here in this little “hole in the woods” where my house is perched at the top of a little ridge, which slopes sharply down from the back deck.

In the spring, the leaves are so thick we call it the “green curtain” and in the autumn when the leaves all fall you can see to the other side of the draw, but the house is still hidden from the road by the cedars and the hill. It is so peaceful here, and I love it, but I know now that it isn’t the PLACE that is peaceful, it is ME. I hope I never have to leave this place, but at the same time, I know if I have to leave here to be SAFE I will do it and never look back, because my PEACE goes with me.

I used to think “I’ll be happy when X happens” or “I will be so glad, or it will be so good when Y happens” but now I know that there is not anything OUTSIDE of myself that can “make me happy”—it is only internally. Took me a long time to realize that, but I finally got that lesson.

There are a lot of good memories connected with this place, but I can take those memories with me if I leave…

I’m glad that you have that spiritual connection with your parents! Last spring I noticed a couple of beautiful Eastern Bluebirds who were the first ones I saw in the spring, and just seeing them reflected in my studio window was enough to set my heart to singing! Noticing the small and wonderful offerings that God and nature give us each day makes it easier to concentrate on the good things in life, rather than the losses.

G’nite! Time for me to put the ole bones to bed! Peace.


Dear Kim – Go for the cottage with the porch and sunlight, it’s obvious to me that is where you belong. And two rocker’s on the front porch means your planning on company. Best wishes for you and pinky doodle…

Southernman…I hope this ‘news’ of your x, lesson’s the burden for you, it sure would me, she should be in prison..count your bessings your free of her…


Sounds peaceful! and like a fall greeting card! I am glad that you are surrounded with angels of peace,,, they are working… you stated that you are in a very peaceful place. Don’t get me wrong about my previous post with me not liking the country. It is great as long as you have the proper things for decent survival. Just like here… would you want to go through a hurricane without shutters, flashlights, candles, batteries, canned food and just basic human survival supplies? I had nothing in the winter up there(one fire place and one wood burning stove) in a big old place, I told you barely indoor plumbing and an spath beating me up mentally and physically for not liking it! and he didn’t do anything to change it. I love it here….. if I don’t like the temperture in my house… guess what? I hit the little button on the wall and “amazing things happen”. It either cools off or heats up!!! WOW!!! Neat invention… when did they come up with that?? LOLOLOLOL!!! Had it all my life!!! It’s called climate control ac/heat. He wants to make hisself suffer through climate(no heatiing bill or electric bill) and spend his money on his big boy toys and porno, instead of comfort of life. It’s like I tried to convey to the xspath…. if you have never had something in life then you don’t miss it. If you worked hard to have it and gave it up, then you miss it! DUH? That’s when the mental beatings began…… FARK HIM! I MISSED IT ALL!!!!
Have a good nights rest!


I don’t know what state you are in or what you are used to…but I agree with hens… sunshine is always good for you (unless you are an eskimo). I am from sunny south florida and I can’t live without my sunshine, clear skies and tropical breezes.
sounds to me like the cottage would be good, can you not sign a lease or contract and do it month to month just incase you want to upgrade or move in a few months?
PS. I hope pinkydoodle is comfy too! We are such the staff to our loved ones!
Bless you and find peace in your new place!

Dani S

Well done, Oxy… Beautifully said!!!!!
I am smiling at the moment with your comment from Southern man’s love declaration…..bahahaha
You crack me up!
I moved house this week and feel like I have been to boot camp! All remnants of the spath have been binned & burnt and this house is free of all bad memories and reminders.
I am going to try to now be easy on myself and focus on all that is ahead.

Yesterday is history,tomorrow is the future and today is a gift that is why it is called the present!!!!
I need to shake the negativity & the burden of the spath. I havent seen him in a couple of years but the emotional effect is still as strong as ever. Truly sux!!!
anyhoo off to unpack some more boxes…much lv 🙂

Ravenless Tower


I found this site last year this time, after the gravity of the final insult I suffered from a sociopath I knew in my past brought forth the realization that I have known several of these “people”, and yet never understood why the experiences in my life previously caused me to gravitate toward those dysfunctional entanglements.

I have been NC for one year this month… in that time, I have learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. Things that will make the second half of my life so much more fulfilling than it ever could have been before… in some ways, I am grateful this ghost from my youth crossed my path just one more time, because I learned from the bastard. The only unsettling part is that I know he is still keeping tabs on me – and I don’t know why.

Still, your article rings true to me… my daughter is an eight year brain tumor survivor and in the past seven months she was diagnosed again and is now in hospice at age 14. Today, I had a hospital bed delivered to my home and set up in my room… the realization is so very sad – a life that should be flourishing coming to an end… but a faith that is so strong at such a young age – truly amazing.

I find peace in my daughter’s journey… her faith and belief in God has been powerful and comforting.

Life experiences/encounters with one or more a personality disordered individuals bring no peace… there is none to be derived from such an unholy and empty alliance.

The peace to be found lies within ourselves… and our ability to somehow understand why we allow these people to play a role in our lives and further understanding how to stop it – stop THEM – from continuing to disrupt our productivity and ability to love and be loved… to stop THEM from invading our souls.

Thanks Oxy… for another thought-provoking article!


Dani S

My love, thoughts & preys are with you!!!
Some things in life we can change and some we cant, that is the sad fact and I feel for you and your precious daughter.

what we can change through gaining the knowledge and understanding of toxic people & personality distorters is never allowing them into our lives.

Like yourself I look forward to a more fulfilling life ahead, one where I will still see ups & downs but ones that will be easier to go through with the peace and freedom from these distorted people.

No doubt yours still keeps tabs as they find it hard to give up the control! Big hugs to you & your daughter!

Dear Oxy, Great analogies in your article, and the visuals really hit home. Altho’ the memories are starting to fog, there is not a day goes by that I don’t realize how much “saner” more at peace I am since I dumped the P. The last many years of his gaslighting and mental abuse had reduced me to a quivering heap os stress and anxiety. The worst part was always trying to “fix” to find the key to manking things right, not realizing that they could never be, that I was being played, deliberatly hurt, by his mind games.

But here it is three years later, and I am still in his “movie”. He is still playing mind games with me and our two sons. I won’t go into details here, but he is a master manipulator, and is using the promise of huge amounts of $$ coming to my young adult sons any minute now. And if they want to take care of their mom then that is okay with him. Oh…and he really really wants to pay out my settlement. etc etc. This after three years and huge legal bills fighting to give me zero.

I know I am talking about money here, but that happens to be his weapon of choice, always has been.

So I am still fighting for justice, and I have him on perjury and contempt of court at the moment. But if I stike back, I am still getting more deeply enmeshed in the whole P mess all over again. Still spending my time trying to anticipate his next move, unravel his secret agenda. Well, let’s face it, not so secret, his agenda is “me first and f*&k everybody else.

So going 100% NC- even tho I don’t communicate with him, would mean to walk away from the battle for justice, for compensation for my 27 years of abuse.

I just can’t go there yet. I would be the total loser and he would sail off into the sunset (literally).

So my question is – is fighting them in court the same as breaking NC? Sometimes it sure feels like it.

Peace to all – especially to Ravenless tower – I am so sorry to hear about your daughter and her health. Stay strong.

Ox Drover

Dear Ravenlesstower,

My prayers are with you and your daughter.

I sat here for several minutes after typing that first sentence and wondered what words of comfort to say to you that wouldn’t sound trite, that would convey my deepest sorrow for your impending loss, and I can’t find any words to convey my deep sorrow. My tears and my prayers are all I can offer, but they are sincere and heart felt.

Ox Drover


I wish I could answer your question…about going to court seeming like breaking NC. Yea, it does, doesn’t it?

I recently had to prepare a presentation for my P-son’s parole hearing (fighting his parole) and I had to read through a foot locker full of his letters to me, to my other sons, to my egg donor, and to the Trojan Horse psychopathic ex con he sent to kill me—and boy did that EVER BREAK NC, I had a freaking melt down, broke out in shingles, and my eczema on my hands flared up (stress responses) etc. Yea it felt like BREAKING NC to me, BUT in order to make sure (as sure as I can) that he would not get out of prison to personally try to kill me, I felt it was IMPORTANT ENOUGH to go through the stress.

Sometimes, “just for money” it may not be “important” enough.

It is kind of the “cost versus benefit ratio” that we have to make.

Okay, what is the “cost” to us in terms of emotional upset + monetary cost + time invested and what is the POTENTIAL OUTCOME likely to be.

Kind of like buying a lotto ticket. It costs a DOLLAR, which isn’t much, and you will still have the rent money this week and be able to eat, and though the ODDS OF WINNING are TINY, but IF YOU DO WIN it will be BIG, so maybe you decide to “invest” $1 in the lotto.

However, I doubt that you would invest your entire 401K or your entire pay check in lotto tickets because the chances of winning are STILL LOW and the COST if you DON’T WIN are giving up a comfortable retirement and living in poverty forever.

YOU, and only you, can decide if the court fight is A) likely to win, B) what the cost to you is in terms of emotional stress to fight it vs the emotional stress of “giving up” or C) is it worth it win or loose

My husband was cheated out of his multimillion dollar aircraft business in 1976 by some professional con men. A Business he had built himself and that was “taking off” with great sales of an invention he had personally researched and developed. He was an engineer and more into research and development than into business and frankly he GOT CONNED by a couple of psychopaths who were GOOD at what they did.

It INFURIATED HIM, and even though they took total control of the business, and proceeded to rape it, he fought them for almost 7 years, devoting his entire time, every penny he could find, and his rabid anger at their con job into recovering his business. Well, he “won” in court finally—but by the time he “won” there was NO WAY HE COULD COLLECT ON THE JUDGMENT HE HAD AGAINST THEM. He collected an EMPTY WIN. They had the $$$$ well hidden away where he couldn’t find it, and they skipped off merrily with their loot intact without any kind of criminal prosecution and my husband was left holding an EMPTY SACK, broke and having spent 7 years proving they were crooks. It was an empty victory for him. I think, he could have spent those 7 years much more productively if he had been able to let go of the emotional involvement and his anger at being screwed by these professional cons and work on something else.

I’ve been in that shape too from time to time…..try to go after “justice” or just suck up the loss and write it off to “bad planning” and go on with life. I Wish I had the answer for you.

I agree with you that even going to court to get justice from these creeps (ANY contact) seems like breaking NC, but only YOU can determine if the COST vs. BENEFIT is worth it to YOU.

In my case, the COST was HIGH in terms of my emotional costs AND the money of hiring an attorney but I felt that the BENEFIT of hopefully keeping his arse in prison for another 1 to 5 years was worth the price, and taking a chance of him getting out wasn’t worth the risk! When his next parole hearing comes up, I’ll be there too, and maybe it will be easier next time since I won’t have to go through the foot locker of letters.

Which ever choice you make, to sue or not…accept that decision as FINAL AND RIGHT and don’t start second guessing your decision, that only ADDS to the stress. (((Hugs))))


The thing about weighing out costs and benefits, is that we really don’t know how a thing will turn out. There are always variables beyond our knowledge and control.

part of my sense of self worth is based in being brave. It has been hard for me to hide from the spath and exercise a lot of caution as i go about undermining her. To do this work, is breaking NC. Absolutely. And if i had tried really hard to just walk away I could have. But, i don’t know how it would have affected me in the long term; every time i do something that slows her down now, or in the future, I get a piece of myself back.

I have been afraid of others in my life – 2 to be precise; people who stalked me and/ or tried to control me. In one case I fled and in the other I got to safety then started to fight back. One of the two – the one i fought back against, was my boyfriend. i was young and wouldn’t have considered anything but. If i had a legal leg to sue the spath for fraud, I don’t think I would stand on it – i don’t want to wrap myself up in her shit. But, I do have plans to sue my father when i am stronger for stealing from me – and yes, it’s about money.

You don’t hear anyone here telling Oxy or EB not to bother. I think you may have something to prove – and i don’t consider that negative, ’cause i think it may be to yourself. If you have a hope in hell of winning – I’d say go for it. Only you can figure out if it is taking care of yourself (in the short or long term) or depleting yourself with contact (in the short or long term); and how much you are willing or able to pay in stress to go forward with it.

When you are 98 and three days, which road will you feel best for having embarked on? You can’t control the outcome – but you can control the way you walk the path.

Ox Drover

Dear Onestep,

I have also prided myself on being “brave” (Pride goeth before a fall!) But sometimes being WISE trumps being FOOLHARDY and BRAVE when there is no chance of wining!

Sometimes walking away from a fight is the WISE and SMART thing to do.

Do you remember that old funny C&W song “The Winner” about two guys in a bar, an old one and a young one, and the old one is a “winner”—-in every bar fight he was in. In this fight he lost an eye, in that fight an ear, in that one he got both arms broken but he hurt the other guy MORE so he was a WINNER! LOL

I honestly think sometimes it is not worth it to be a WINNER! There is too much to lose to be a WINNER! So what if you hurt him MORE if you must pay in your own blood for the privilege of “winning.”

Sometimes I think being BRAVE is walking away from a fight you could have “won” just because you don’t want to waste the energy on it.

I am “brave” now I think mostly because I have NO CHOICE but to be brave or live in terror. I finally decided that living in TERROR wasn’t worth what it cost me.

I think it was EB who said when you are no longer afraid to die, you can live. I do NOT want to die, but I am NOT AFRAID to die. I refuse to live in TERROR because that would give my P son the power over me to ruin my life. To control my every thought.

I know I have had my moments (days, and weeks) of TERROR but the hypervigilence and the jumping every time a car pulls into the yard is OVER for me.

Believe it or not, I went to the door last night when I heard a car pull up and I did NOT have my gun IN my hand…and that is actually relaxing a bit TOO much, but in a way it is a good sign too. (there was one on the bookcase behind the front door, though, in easy reach) LOL


oxy – i have walked blind through the valley of spath, not really knowing how to be, what to do. I’ve inched along, making mistakes, making some good calls, not knowing how to evaluate most of it – either how i feel or how i should act, as it was/is hard to judge the wisdom of some of my drives.

i have ‘bravery’ many different definitions over my life. i may have been fool hardy at times in reference to the spath – but it’s a learning experience. it’s like any of the thousands of things we learn over our lifetimes – the first time we encounter it, it’s all new. We get better with practice and experience.

The spath recently hacked some of the fake profiles used to warn others about her – she was able to change the text in one, and trace the other to a fake email address (wish i could say more about that – it’s pretty funny). I have been having computer troubles since, have taken more precautions- well, it’s the price of doing business – worth it? it’s irritating, but it hasn’t debilitated me emotionally – she is what she is and this is the shit she does. does it take my time and energy – yes. but i am getting better, clearer despite it.

living in terror isn’t worth it – either in your case where physical harm is a reality, or in mine. that is what i call bravery now – a refusal to live in terror. I couldn’t have done what i have if i didn’t rise up against the threats and BS she dishes out.

keep your enemies close and you firearms closer.
x one step
p.s. – wrote the local firing range today. want to learn how to use a handgun properly. think target practice would be a good stress release for me.

Ox Drover

Dear One_step,

Yea, the only thing is that ammo has become so expensive even when you reload, which we do, so I don’t “practice’ much any more because of COST, but I actually think once the skill is learned it is like riding a bike, you get a level of ability and it doesn’t deterioirate much with not using it a lot.

A few months ago we had a shoot-a-rama out here at our fire arms range and several friends came and brought their guns and we fired each other’s guns etc. and even though I have NOT practiced much at all, I was about as good with ALL the fire arms as everyone else who DID practice on a regular basis. LOL

Even shooting guns that I am not familiar with. Son D is VERY accurate with a 22 rifle, and can put 10 shots in the circle the size of a dime 99 times out of a hundred, and I’m not that accurate, but I can hit the silver dollar sized ring 100 times out of 100 and for my PURPOSES that is “close enough for government work.” My ONLY purpose in shooting is self defense and it is like “horseshoes and hand grenades—CLOSE is good enough!” LOL I’m not into guns for recreation, but to me they are a TOOL for a specific use, and they are like a fire extinguisher, keep them handy for when you need them, you need them NOW. Be sure you know how to use them as well. When you are trying to use them is NOT the time to read the instruction manual. LOL

I personally don’t even hunt any more so only have ones that are utilitarian. Don’t need the meat.

So my definitions of bravery have changed as time has gone on too…and basically they are about protecting yourself and others, doing what has to be done with the least amount of danger and risk to yourself—and knowing when to retreat! (advance in the opposite direction! LOL)


i like your new def of bravery oxy. knowing when to retreat is about experience and wisdom – and perhaps the trickiest thing with spaths, ’cause like I said – it’s a whole new ball game.

I used to shoot as a teenage; belonged to the rifle club at….school. sigh, how things have changed. don’t think my various kinks and injuries will allow me to shoot a rifle comfortably, so I am going to check out handguns. I don’t own a gun any longer, but thought I could take lessons. lots of rules and regs here – so, don’t know if i can do it – might need to do a lot of government crap first. too bad i am not on speaking terms with my dad – he’s got a whack of firearms.

Ox Drover

For cheap and easy, you can get a CO-2 pellet pistol and they are fun to shoot and CHEAP, so you might investigate that. I haven’t heard of a shooting range where they furnish the gun as well as instruction. But who knows, there might be one somewhere.

BTW up close and personal a pellet gun is better than no gun and if you aim it right you can do some serious damage to someone at least long enough to get away.

I was appalled the other day that there is a store in the relatively SMALL town nearest me that RENTS “fancy wheels and tires” for cars! I MEAN, COMMMMMEEEE ON! That is more insane than renting furniture at horrible outrageous prices!!! So I won’t say “never” to anything any more! LOL


hehe..rental car parts. snort….

i’ll check into the pellet pistol – i am not looking to own here oxy – it’s of no use to have a gun given our laws – they have to be so locked up you could never get to them in time; the licensing is very expensive; and you have to write govt. tests, blah blah…i swear!

Ox Drover

I forgot you don’t live in the US….that’s one reason I haven’t left the US.

Get a baseball bat! LOL


I have a bat by the door! Good old wood one, too!

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