By Ox Drover
I got to thinking the other day about how our strength and ability to carry an emotional load of “stress” is sort of like a long-distance walk or ride or race. People who travel in various long distance endurance races, or just for their own purposes, have to limit the amount of weight that they carry. Some people who do long distances on foot even cut the handle off their toothbrushes to reduce the load they have to carry by even a fraction of an ounce.
If I had to carry a five pound sack of flour to our local post office, which is about three miles away from my farm, up and down several steep hills, I could do it without a great deal of time involved, but would probably leave me feeling that that five pound sack of flour was “pretty heavy” by the time I got there. I am sure by the time I got to the post office, I would be switching it from hand to hand pretty rapidly as it seemed to gain weight. I could probably even carry that five pound sack of flour as far as the nearest town, about 13 miles away, though I would sure be tired when I got there.
However, if I had to pick up a fifty-pound sack of horse feed and carry it to our local post office, I could probably do it, but I imagine it would take me several days to accomplish it. If I had to carry that fifty-pound sack of horse feed to town, I could probably do it as well, but I would be physically and mentally exhausted when I arrived there several weeks, or more, after I started.
It isn’t just the weight of what we have to “carry” in terms of a “load,” but also the distance we must carry it. When I was a kid I saw a western movie where the guy is crossing the desert and he has a pack with enough gold to make him rich for the rest of his life. Eventually, though, it becomes so heavy that he throws it away in order to get across the desert alive.
Psychopathic weight
As we go through our lives we all have stress to carry, and the weight of that stress can be pretty heavy, for example, a divorce or a death in the family, but we recover from carrying that heavy weight. We rest and recoup our strength, before we progress on further. With the psychopath adding not only weight to our stress level, but keeping the stress at a high level, both the weight and the distance (time) we must carry the stress becomes overwhelming.
We may find ourselves in the position of the prospector coming out of the desert with a pack filled with gold, where we have become so tired from the weight and the distance that we have carried something, even something valuable to us, that we have to throw it down and leave it in order to survive for one more step.
Sometimes we “throw down” our careers, our education, or even taking care of our own health because we are so stressed out and so tired from dealing with the psychopath that it seems we don’t have the energy to accomplish taking care of these things. We feel as if our very survival depends on dropping some of the “weight” of “things to do” off our backs immediately. We become distracted by the weight of the demands of our families, our children, our jobs, and our psychopaths that we drop the “gold”–in this case, ourselves, in an effort to reduce our stress and “survive.”
Lightening the load
The most important thing I think I have learned from the chaotic experiences I’ve had with the psychopaths is that I have to be in this for the long distance course. I have to reduce the stress and weight of the “things” I carry so that I have the strength and resources to keep on carrying the “gold—”myself—for the distance.
I have to quit trying to carry the burdens of others who would rather have me carry them than hoist their own packs on their own backs and assume responsibility for themselves. I have to quit carrying unnecessary trivia, and distinguish between important things I need and things that I can do without. When it comes to “shared responsibilities,” I have to do my share and expect others to do theirs, to demand it if necessary, and to use my judgment to decide what is a fair division of those shared responsibilities.
I’m in this life for the long haul, not just for a sprint! So I’ve got to adjust the weight of my burdens accordingly and put my own long term best interest and my ability to survive foremost in my own mind and heart!
Oxy –
Thank you, thank you, what an amazing insight and it spoke directly to me this morning. I think I have let way to much “gold” slip away already and was getting to the point that I just didn’t care. I think I will print this and post it on the fridge.
Something I wanted to mention to you, and I hope I’m not out of line, but I know you checked into the Aftermath site some time ago. There is a man on there now who I believe you could really speak to, others are trying, but it is you more than anyone that could help. If you look in the active topics, you will immediately know who I am talking about. Again, I don’t know how you feel about this, just thought I’d mention it.
Thanks again for the excellent blog.
MiLo
Dear Milo,
Thank you for your kind words about my article, and I am glad that it “spoke” to you—I know it has taken me a long time to REALIZE these truths about myself. I “lightened” my pack so many times by keeping the psychopath securely seated on my back, and threw off the things I needed to survive!
I have swam “rivers of chaos” with a psychopath securely hanging on to my back because they were too lazy to swim, and every once in a while just for fun, they would duck my head under the water! LOL
As for the for Aftermath site, I no longer post there. One of the blog managers actually ASKED that I post my story there. My “story” was posted there, WITHOUT ANY NAMES or identifying information of either me or the psychopath, but because one of the psychopaths involved petitioned the board of directors to have MY STORY REMOVED, and one director was so afraid that they might “get sued,” my “story” was removed over the objections of the other directors.
There is more to the after story, but I can sum it up by saying “political infighting” and some “experts” who in my opinion do not know a psychopath when it bites them in the arse.
So I no longer go to Aftermath. I had great hopes that it would become, along with LoveFraud, a leader in the field of recovery for victims of psychopaths and that because there are some “well known names” and “experts” behind the site that it might be a link to the latest research information on psychopaths….unfortunately, I have not seen a great deal of growth or available help on that site. You might recall the time when the posts no longer went directly to the board, but had to be read and approved before being posted?
Since then, I have put my efforts here into Love Fraud where I know that there is ACTIVE help going on and that the site is reaching people. I would suggest that you might give him a heads up for him to come here, at which point I will be glad to interact with him.
Oxy –
Read you loud and clear. I see the same thing as you, and that is why I hesitated to mention it to you. I only mentioned it because as you said there seems to be very limited “available help” and that is very sad. I totally understand. I do not think they realize the full extent of the damage that was done when the post approval nonsense was initiated.
I am so glad your efforts are available here on LoveFraud, they are worth their weight in “gold”.
Thanks – MiLo
I. found aftermath, just prior to lovefraud. I posted there twice and it was the first time I ever posted anything, anywhere. I asked if there was any way of discerning a drug-addict from a true died in the wool sociopath, and shared a little bit of my experience with them, and they banned me.
I was astounded, but, they did say they didn’t want any discussion of illegal activities, so, I guess I did push the limits, and yet, it was an honest question, one I’ve raised here numerous times, and I think an appropriate one….Needless to say, I felt bruised and wondered if they thought I was One…It was only a day or two later I ened up here….and that has been a very good thing.
Excellent post Oxy!
The weight of the burdens and stress have flattened me like a pancake! I feel like I am living in what I call “shutdown mode”. I have alot of the Fark it’s going on. Walk by the garbage that needs to go out….. oh fark it, i’ll do it later. Need to go through the closet and sort clothes because of my weight gain….oh fark it I’ll do it later.
I know what needs to be done…. just can’t push myself to do it. I don’t want to do it. I don’t even want to leave the house some days. Thank God for the community meetings that gets me out of the house and around people. I am in beautiful sunny S Fla, there is so much I could be out doing. BUT I don’t want to. LOLOLOLOL I am my own worst enemy sometimes.
I guess having been overwhelmed with the multiple traumas that I don’t even know where to start. I made a list of small things that need to be done and I am pumping myself up to get up in the morning and start on it. I have always been motivated and organized so I get mad at myself. I went into this Fark it mode when I knew I had to leave my xspath and lost Mom.I hope as I heal more of the yes I am going to do it’s come back. I still have a room full of Mom’s things to go through. That will get done in time after I heal myself first.
Thanks again for the post!
imnotcrazee!
Unfortunately, quite frankly speaking (a little humor there!) I find that the EXPERTS as a whole (with few exceptions) live in their ivory towards of theory and wouldn’t know a psychopath in the “wild” without it having on prison stripes. The only ones they have recognized are those that are inside prisons, sort of like the difference between a “researcher” who studies monkeys in the ZOO vs Jane Goodall who lives with them in the WILD for 40 years! Who do YOU think recognizes a monkey when they see one?
Liane Leedom is one “expert” who KNOWS a psychopath in the WILD, and I think Bob Hare does, but the “ones” who rule the roost at aftermath and make the “rules” there which are so stiff
BECAUSE they are so afraid of controversy that they are THROWING OUT THE BABY WITH THE BATHWATER.
Donna may delete this post, as it is her right to do if she thinks I am out of line, but IF SHE DOES, she will e mail me privately and tell me WHY she thinks it is a bad idea.
I have sent her articles she has declined to post and she told me WHY—not because she is trying to stifle me, or to disrespect me, but it is HER BLOG, and I respect that, but the WAY A.M. goes about their “banning” and “deleting” I think is not a group with which I want to be associated with.
There are OTHER “help” groups that I also don’t associate myself with—and there is at least one fairly WELL KNOWN “expert” who presents themselves as this great guru “life coach” and author expert who is themselves (neutral gender here and no names) a PSYCHOPATH AND A FRAUD….and I am NOT referring to Sam Vaknin either….although the blog managers on one of his many “recovery sites” worked a “number” on me and others who first started blogging there….
So just like there are con people in every profession, and remember the guru who killed the people in the sweat lodge episode? Can’t remember his name (CRS), there are FALSE PROPHETS AND CON PEOPLE in the “recovery” industry too.
There are also some people who are VERY SINCERE and yet are harmful to recovery of former victims, not by design to harm but simply out of “good intentions” and Lack of REAL WORKING knowledge combined.
One of the things I most like about Lovefraud is that respectful disagreements are not only allowed but ENCOURAGED here, and the different opinions of different people, in various stages of healing and in various past experiences all come together to ADD to the healing “ointments” that are available to us.
Something I say might not resonate with you, but something Donna says might, or something Steve says might, or something Liane says might….etc etc.
It is like a big recipe for a healing dish…different people suggest different ingredients and each of us can try out, or add what of the suggestions we like or need or want and make our own UNIQUE DISH OF HEALING!
I have not found that kind of healing atmosphere ANYWHERE else on the net….Donna is very special and that is why LOVEFRAUD is so special. We have a very diverse community here in about every aspect of human diversity as far as religion, politics, age, country of origin, sexual orientation, etc. and unless we are afflicted by some passing troll there is seldom any hurt feelings and absolutely NO flaming allowed. What could be BETTER? I can’t think of anything. I stay here because I learn something new every day—a new way of looking at an old subject, or a totally new aspect of a psychopath, or of the healing recipe. I also feel WELCOME here, and I didn’t feel welcome at some of the other places, A.M. in particular and I’m sorry about that, because I do think their INTENTIONS ARE GOOD, I just think the controlling “experts” (Dr. Leedom excepted) don’t really “get it” about psychopaths.
Dear Notcrazee,
You posted while I was writing…I know exactly what you are talking about on the shut down stage. For almost a year after my husband died in the plane crash, my son D and I sat like zombies inside the house, watching the dishes pile up, the dirt accumulate on the floor and we would say “boy, we need to sweep the floor” but it never got done. We DID feed the outside dogs, and cook enough to survive but we both LOST a ton of weight. He has not gained his back, I regained mine plus 60 pounds!
I went for days without changing clothes or washing, would forget to eat….it is called DEPRESSION.
I actually had episodes of amnesia…depression, etc. and PTSD sometimes over lap in the symptoms. We even may recognize what the symptoms are but are “unable” to do anything about it except “note” that we have it.
I STRONGLY SUGGEST that you go to a MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL (not your family doctor) and have an assessment made for the need for medication to help you through this stage. Even WITH medication I was so traumatized I wasn’t functioning adequately. I still have residual side effects, but am improved in mood and function. The worst one I have is short term memory deficit, but even that has improved to where I am reasonably functional.
Don’t beat yourself up for not having the initative to do what you know you “should” be doing (that only brings you lower) but DO go get an assessment by a mental health professional who DOES get what trauma can be left in the wake of a psychopathic attack and take it seriously!
Good luck and be good to yourself! (((hugs))))
Yes, thanks, Oxy. This is very good.
Being three years out of my (last) crazy relationship…I feel I have set down that (physical) burden, but, at times, I have to remind myself to put down the emotional baggage as well.
It’s hard to go through life weighed down with so much loss and sadness. I am a lot like soimnotcrazee, I isolate and keep tp myself…don’t feel much motivation to be around others anymore….thank Goodness for my cat…he’s my best friend, and I am still taking care of my grandkids, so I see a lot of my family, but this recent “hot mess” with my SIL has really taken it’s toll. Looks like I will be on my own because my daughter is going back, and I feel so hurt and angry. I know, I know, it’s probably for the best, but it hurts to be driven out and exiled, while they all get to have each-other and be a family.
I’m trying to view it as a new begginning, and I am kind of excited about having my own small space, but I’m a little afrais of the isolation.
This is just afge. You know afge, don’t you? It’s short for, “another fu–ing growth experience”. LOL
Dear Kimmie,
I am sorry she is going back to the creep, but they will not be a “family” again.
You and I talked about this UPCOMING “growth experience” for you a few months back…remember? So I know it is not any BIG SHOCK to you that it was going to happen. There was a big triangle “game” going on between you and him with your daughter in the middle of the game, and the prize. Sooner or later he was going to push her to “choose” between you and him…it was just a matter of time…so I DO think this is a growth experience for you, and I think you will DO JUST FINE.
As long as you were living in SIL’s house you were in a ONE DOWN position of power, and he knew that and used that against you. With your own place, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN PLACE AND YOUR OWN POWER.
It is the old deal about “he who has the gold makes the rules” or in this case, “he who has the lease/mortgage in his name makes the rules” so if you are living under someone else’s roof, THEY make the rules.
It is that way at MY house for sure! My house, MY RULES, that is why son C is out of here for lying to me. He knew the rules and violated them and he is OUT.
I am no longer SHY about enforcing the rules either. Just like with my best friend’s sister that spent the night here the other night as they were passing through (this sister is pretty dysfunctional to say the least, lots of Borderline PD qualities about her so she’s not one of my favorite people) but she was shining LED flashlights in her sisters eyes and my eyes, and everyone else, thought it was FUNNY…It hurts! and I asked her nicely NOT to, and she started doing it worse and laughing about “don’t tell me NOT to do something because then I WILL do it” and I said QUIETLY but FIRMLY, “If you shine that light in my eyes again, you will be picking pieces of your false teeth out of your ass.” The room got QUIET but she didn’t put the light in my eyes any more or anyone else’s. I waited about 30 seconds then restarted the conversation in a “cheerful” tone.
And you know, she may have been a “guest” in my home, but I am no longer compelled to put up with HATEFUL behavior just because someone is a “Guest”—DUH! I wish I had figured that out a few decades ago. LOL
My house, MY rules. I ask nicely the first time, then the second time, firmly. Don’t like my rules, go home and don’t let the door hit you in the arse on the way out.
I think everyone should have their own place to make their own rules.
Though son D lives here by choice, both my choice and his, he knows the “rules” and I don’t intrude on “his” space, and fortunately the farm is big enough that we can each have our own space, but the “rule of honesty” is nothing he ever violates and he knows if he chooses to violate that, he is free to move on.
We disagree on things from time to time, and we treat each other with respect and do not violate the “dishonesty” rule–we are honest and respectful to each other–so not all disagreements are differences in principle. You can disagree with someone 180 degrees and still treat each other with respect and get along well with each other even be happy living together, but differences in principle are another problem entirely.
Good luck, Kimmie, you know I am in your corner and I know this will be stressful on you, change always is, even change for the better! ((((hugs)))) Love Oxy
Wow that a big pill to swallow Oxy! I guess I have given myself to much credit for thinking that i could battle this on my own and with the tools I could find online and in books. It’s not like I am in anyway going to harm myself or anybody else. I’ve only been posting here a couple of weeks and I already feel much better and realize that I need to make an exchange from the negative energy that has been in my veins to the positive energy I had prior to xspath.
I can call my health insurance and get a list of Dr’s, but how do I know who really understands the trauma of a psychopath? Call the Dr’s office and ask a receptionist? would they know? University of Miami is the Behavoral Health provider for my insurance. They have Dr’s all over a 4 county area. I need to think about this one.
Thanks Oxy!
maybe I am the crazee 1!!! LOLOL just got some of the lingering crazee’s from xspath!
PS. Sorry about your late husbands passing