By Ox Drover
I got to thinking the other day about how our strength and ability to carry an emotional load of “stress” is sort of like a long-distance walk or ride or race. People who travel in various long distance endurance races, or just for their own purposes, have to limit the amount of weight that they carry. Some people who do long distances on foot even cut the handle off their toothbrushes to reduce the load they have to carry by even a fraction of an ounce.
If I had to carry a five pound sack of flour to our local post office, which is about three miles away from my farm, up and down several steep hills, I could do it without a great deal of time involved, but would probably leave me feeling that that five pound sack of flour was “pretty heavy” by the time I got there. I am sure by the time I got to the post office, I would be switching it from hand to hand pretty rapidly as it seemed to gain weight. I could probably even carry that five pound sack of flour as far as the nearest town, about 13 miles away, though I would sure be tired when I got there.
However, if I had to pick up a fifty-pound sack of horse feed and carry it to our local post office, I could probably do it, but I imagine it would take me several days to accomplish it. If I had to carry that fifty-pound sack of horse feed to town, I could probably do it as well, but I would be physically and mentally exhausted when I arrived there several weeks, or more, after I started.
It isn’t just the weight of what we have to “carry” in terms of a “load,” but also the distance we must carry it. When I was a kid I saw a western movie where the guy is crossing the desert and he has a pack with enough gold to make him rich for the rest of his life. Eventually, though, it becomes so heavy that he throws it away in order to get across the desert alive.
Psychopathic weight
As we go through our lives we all have stress to carry, and the weight of that stress can be pretty heavy, for example, a divorce or a death in the family, but we recover from carrying that heavy weight. We rest and recoup our strength, before we progress on further. With the psychopath adding not only weight to our stress level, but keeping the stress at a high level, both the weight and the distance (time) we must carry the stress becomes overwhelming.
We may find ourselves in the position of the prospector coming out of the desert with a pack filled with gold, where we have become so tired from the weight and the distance that we have carried something, even something valuable to us, that we have to throw it down and leave it in order to survive for one more step.
Sometimes we “throw down” our careers, our education, or even taking care of our own health because we are so stressed out and so tired from dealing with the psychopath that it seems we don’t have the energy to accomplish taking care of these things. We feel as if our very survival depends on dropping some of the “weight” of “things to do” off our backs immediately. We become distracted by the weight of the demands of our families, our children, our jobs, and our psychopaths that we drop the “gold”–in this case, ourselves, in an effort to reduce our stress and “survive.”
Lightening the load
The most important thing I think I have learned from the chaotic experiences I’ve had with the psychopaths is that I have to be in this for the long distance course. I have to reduce the stress and weight of the “things” I carry so that I have the strength and resources to keep on carrying the “gold—”myself—for the distance.
I have to quit trying to carry the burdens of others who would rather have me carry them than hoist their own packs on their own backs and assume responsibility for themselves. I have to quit carrying unnecessary trivia, and distinguish between important things I need and things that I can do without. When it comes to “shared responsibilities,” I have to do my share and expect others to do theirs, to demand it if necessary, and to use my judgment to decide what is a fair division of those shared responsibilities.
I’m in this life for the long haul, not just for a sprint! So I’ve got to adjust the weight of my burdens accordingly and put my own long term best interest and my ability to survive foremost in my own mind and heart!
Well, the thing is, Oxy, he is scape-goating, and just as soon as I am gone, he’ll start picking on someone else…like my GS? He will stop at nothing to impose HIS will…and it is only HIS WILL that matters. My daughter pays half (or more) of all the bills, her wants and desires should be just as important, but, I know he will use emotional black-mail to get his way, always. I see through his bullying, and I’m sure there will be another issue soon, and I am so hoping my daughter gets a belly full. For my part, I have no desire to have any contact with him whatsoever, so, unfortunately, that will effect how often and under what conditions I will see my daughter. He escalated this into the stinking, steaming hot mess that it became, never gave an ounce of thought to how it was effecting EVERYBODY else, and now I’m sure he is gloating, and because he did finally succeed, he has been rewarded for his bullying tactics, and next time will probably be even worse.
He’s as bad as my 20 month old grandson who throws temper tantrums, and is convinced that if he wants something, then he’s entitled to it.
I am not for one minute, saying I am without fault. But I wasn’t the one dictating to him. I was trying to mind my own business. But him? Everybody and everything, (except his own issues) Is his business.
I don’t even want my name mentioned in his presence. I may not have much power, but it can’t be a really bright move tp piss off the MIL. I wait for the day my daughter leaves. And she will…..
Kimmie,
Your in a no win situation. Next, she’s going to be pulling away from you, because YOU know too much.
For her to remain in this relationshit, YOU have to be ‘gone’- removed, he’ll convince her of that. Blame their marital issues on YOU, your interferance, your control, your meddleing……you know the gig.
It’s the only way she can continue to lie to herself and she can’t tdo this with you living there.
You NOW know too much!
Plus, your her exterior conscience. You ‘see’ the behaviors of SIL.
She’s going to stiffle her ‘conscience. (You).
Your going to have to remove yourself emotionally from HER problems, even though you see the writing on the wall.
I did this too…..push away peeps who knew too much of the inside reality of my relationshit.
Expect this…..plan for the emotional impact.
I’m sorry your in this situation……but I think,after the processing and move…..you’ll be in a much more freeing position and healthier for YOU.
Tha’ts what’s most important to you….is YOU!
Good luck Kimmie….
XXOO
EB
Dear Notcrazee,
Being depressed or having PTSD is NOT being crazeee! Taking medication if you need it or going for therapy is NOT crazy.
As far as knowing which psychiatrist would “get it” you have to make an appointment and go see them….the psychiatrist or Advance Practice Nurse who Rx’s the medications doesn’t have to really “get it” about ps, but get that you are A) depressed or B) may have PTSD and treat you appropriately, a THERAPIST is the one who really has to “get it” about a psychopath.
Getting appropriate mental health treatment and therapy is not about being crazy, it is about taking care of yourself…depression is like diabetes, you wouldn’t say “Oh, I don’t have to take insulin, I’ll just tough it out and take care of it myself” Sure, you have to ALSO take good care of yourself with diabetes, but if you need insulin you take it as well as eat right and exercise. (I know, not all diabetics have to take insulin but for those that do, this is just an example)
I worked in mental health for some years and I Rx’d medications for others, and BEING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE CLIP BOARD was a big step for me, but I TOOK it because I knew I NEEDED TO.
TAKE Care of YOU!!! You really do sound depressed and there would be something ABNORMAL about you if you were NOT depressed after a run in with a psychopath! (((Hugs)))
Kim,
AFGE…. I like it!!!!!
Not crazee!!!
Dear Kimmie,
Darling I think EB is right….and even if you were 100% “innocent” in this situation, he is a CONTROL FREAK, and she is allowing him to do so….and as much as you love her, as much as YOU see what is going on, until SHE does…it is just like the thing in AA no matter how much YOU know someone is ruining their life with alcohol, until THEY see that they will not stop drinking.
Sometimes it takes an alcoholic to fall flat on their backs before they can “look up” and you know that, so just look at this an a LEARNING OPPORTUNITY FOR YOUR DAUGHTER.
TAKE CARE OF YOU is the “primary directive”—you can’t “save” her from him, or from her own choices, all you can do is to take care of YOU. You know that drill Kimmie!
I wished so much I could have successfully given son C the chance to get back on his feet financially, emotionally and every other way, but he chose not to take it, he chose instead to stay in financially poor situation by his spending habits, and he earned that money so it was legally his to spend any way he wanted to, or to throw away or waste, but…..that wasn’t the agreement for him to live here. It HURT Kim, because I know that a) sooner or later the company he works for will close when the ELDERLY sick owner dies b) he will need a new vehicle and has no credit now and no savings etc etc. or whatever happens where he needs money or a “helping hand” or “loan” and won’t have any…..and the bank is closed here—because he did not do what it took to HELP HIMSELF.
Your daughter may pay half the bills, but HE is going to make the “decisions” about control of the household. That is what control freaks do….or he will make her life miserable.
He will continue to make her life miserable after a short time of pretending that YOU were the problem….but whether or not she stays is up to her choice. I hope she is able to make good choices, and that you can maintain a relationship with her that is OUTSIDE of the relationshit she has with him.
Right now, though, I just caution you to TAKE CARE OF YOU! ((((Hugs)))) Love Oxy
Thanks, EB. I really hope you’re wrong. I really hope I don’t lose her over this. She’s such a lovely, open-hearted person.
I never really thought about it on those terms, but, I’ve been sort of feeling it, I guess. That’s probably why I’m so dissappointed that she’s going back. I kind of feel duped…that she knew all along that she was going back, but just wanted to appease me. Yeah, it hurts.
I can honestly say that I have not been a meddling mom in this…I never got into their disputes, or tried to interfere or control anybody…until now, I suppose. I know she’s torn. A big part of her does want to leave, but the timing just isn’t right, and she is probably hopeing that everything falls into place when I am gone. That hurts, so bad, but, Like you said, I have to let her problems go, and let her live her own life.
Yes, I know this is probably the best thing for me, but it doesn’t feel that way, right now. And my daughter is trying really hard to be good to me. I know this is really hard for her too. I hope he doesn’t manage to turn her against me…I don’t think that will happen, but you’re right EB, I better back off and quite bitching about it. I have to trust that eventually she’ll get it, and get out.
kim frederick,
I read that you will be having your own “digs” soon. Knowing that how you got to this point was not easy, I still hope that you can make a wonderful home for yourself, a sanctuary. Peace.
Thanks for your input Oxy. I need to digest this.
HUGZZZZZ!!!
Thank-you, blue-jay. We went and looked at a couple of places, yesterday, and one of them is this tiny little cottage, with a lovely covered front porch that I picture with ferns and petunias, and a couple wooden rocking chairs. It has a big back yard for my fur-person, Pinky-doodle, and is very close to shopping, and down-town. It has lots of sunny windows, that I picture with some frilly country curtains, it has a fire place, and a cute small kitchen, nice ceramic tile floor that I would cover with a braided rug….It is very small, though, and I don’t want to get clostraphobic. There is no seperate bedroom, so my bedroom/living room would be stuffed.
I can’t stress enough how cute it is, though. Kind of like a granny’s doll house.
The other place is a garage apartment. It has a seperate bedroom, so is not so small. It’s location is not quite as good, but not bad. It has a cute modern kitchen, but no porch. Pinky could be happy there, but it definately doesn’t have the charm of the tiny cottage.
I think we are going to look a little more tomorrow, but if I don’t find something else, I’m wondering which of these two to choose. What do you think?
The one that you would be most comfortable in, the cottage. Decorating your own place will be fun, relaxing, allowing you to be creative. I imagine that you’ll enjoy the quiet, peaceful existence, allowing you to definitely work on you, living your life on your terms, being free to be yourself. Your house can be a “breath of fresh air”, like you are.