By Ox Drover
I got to thinking the other day about how our strength and ability to carry an emotional load of “stress” is sort of like a long-distance walk or ride or race. People who travel in various long distance endurance races, or just for their own purposes, have to limit the amount of weight that they carry. Some people who do long distances on foot even cut the handle off their toothbrushes to reduce the load they have to carry by even a fraction of an ounce.
If I had to carry a five pound sack of flour to our local post office, which is about three miles away from my farm, up and down several steep hills, I could do it without a great deal of time involved, but would probably leave me feeling that that five pound sack of flour was “pretty heavy” by the time I got there. I am sure by the time I got to the post office, I would be switching it from hand to hand pretty rapidly as it seemed to gain weight. I could probably even carry that five pound sack of flour as far as the nearest town, about 13 miles away, though I would sure be tired when I got there.
However, if I had to pick up a fifty-pound sack of horse feed and carry it to our local post office, I could probably do it, but I imagine it would take me several days to accomplish it. If I had to carry that fifty-pound sack of horse feed to town, I could probably do it as well, but I would be physically and mentally exhausted when I arrived there several weeks, or more, after I started.
It isn’t just the weight of what we have to “carry” in terms of a “load,” but also the distance we must carry it. When I was a kid I saw a western movie where the guy is crossing the desert and he has a pack with enough gold to make him rich for the rest of his life. Eventually, though, it becomes so heavy that he throws it away in order to get across the desert alive.
Psychopathic weight
As we go through our lives we all have stress to carry, and the weight of that stress can be pretty heavy, for example, a divorce or a death in the family, but we recover from carrying that heavy weight. We rest and recoup our strength, before we progress on further. With the psychopath adding not only weight to our stress level, but keeping the stress at a high level, both the weight and the distance (time) we must carry the stress becomes overwhelming.
We may find ourselves in the position of the prospector coming out of the desert with a pack filled with gold, where we have become so tired from the weight and the distance that we have carried something, even something valuable to us, that we have to throw it down and leave it in order to survive for one more step.
Sometimes we “throw down” our careers, our education, or even taking care of our own health because we are so stressed out and so tired from dealing with the psychopath that it seems we don’t have the energy to accomplish taking care of these things. We feel as if our very survival depends on dropping some of the “weight” of “things to do” off our backs immediately. We become distracted by the weight of the demands of our families, our children, our jobs, and our psychopaths that we drop the “gold”–in this case, ourselves, in an effort to reduce our stress and “survive.”
Lightening the load
The most important thing I think I have learned from the chaotic experiences I’ve had with the psychopaths is that I have to be in this for the long distance course. I have to reduce the stress and weight of the “things” I carry so that I have the strength and resources to keep on carrying the “gold—”myself—for the distance.
I have to quit trying to carry the burdens of others who would rather have me carry them than hoist their own packs on their own backs and assume responsibility for themselves. I have to quit carrying unnecessary trivia, and distinguish between important things I need and things that I can do without. When it comes to “shared responsibilities,” I have to do my share and expect others to do theirs, to demand it if necessary, and to use my judgment to decide what is a fair division of those shared responsibilities.
I’m in this life for the long haul, not just for a sprint! So I’ve got to adjust the weight of my burdens accordingly and put my own long term best interest and my ability to survive foremost in my own mind and heart!
Kim, one of my dearest friends is married to a drama queen that I cannot stand, but I put up with her sometimes in order to see my friend—so for RIGHT now, you can put up with “IT” some for your daughter’s sake. Your daughter obviously loves you or you wouldn’t have been there as long as you have—and “It” wouldn’t hate you nearly as much if she didn’t love you! (Hows that for backpath thinking! LOL)
This does not have to be the end of your relationship with your daughter. Just by you continuing to BREATH he resents you because you are in her life…I doubt if there was a thing in the world you could have done EXCEPT stop breathing that would have made him like you any more! So don’t sweat the SIL–IT ain’t gonna ever like you, but I doubt that you will curl up and die and quit breathing because of that! LOL (((Hugs))))
LIke BlueJay says, pick the one that you feel the most comfortable in…I’ve had little studio apartments like the “cottage” that were adorable and–BTW–THERE IS A LOT TO BE SAID FOR DOWN SIZING I am doing that even as we “speak”—spent most of the day doing fix-it stuff in the house and yard, putting up storm windows, and discovered that someone had sat in my cute delicate little antique folding rocker that I LOVED and broken the bottom of the seat—I looked at it and thought “I can fix that” but realized YES I CAN but I probably would never get around to it, so it would sit in storage for 5 years and THEN I’/d throw it out, so guess what—it is on its way to the DUMP.
I went through my clothes a while back and realized I had 50 Tee shirts with “one small stain on them, but good enough to wear for working around here” and I threw out 45 of them!!!! Use them for rags and donate the rest to the pet rescue for rags and “beds” for the doggies and cats….why keep 50 FIFTY tee shirts that are ONLY good enough to wear to work in? I OWN A WASHER AND DRYER! Ditto with the old jeans and other stuff, so the amount of clothes I have are hung in the closet no wider than my arms can reach. One set for each season (cold or warm) why do I need “more?” I have a “church” dress and a “go to the doctor pants suit” and a “go to a wedding” dress and the rest are jeans and tops, and layers for the inbetween seasons.
DOWN sizing is getting in vogue now too—the real extreme guys who down size are getting down to 100 items including their toothbrushes. I saw a guy on TV the other day that is into the down sizing to 100 items. I’m not nearly like that, but I AM down sizing a bunch! I’m tired of dusting it!
See just how cute you can make your place, and convenient and make it JUST YOURS with just YOUR stuff and your fur ball! If the littler place appeals to you, then take it and just make it your little special place! (((hugs))))
Love you Oxy…….
Dear Southernman,
Thanks, I luv you too darlin’!!!! Where have you been? Miss you when You stay gone so long! It isn’t often (enough) that I have some handsome guy declaring their love for me! LOL Henry still won’t go straight and marry me so I’m still single!!!! LOL
The last of the wonderful Indian Summer I think was today and son D and I took advantage of it to work outside, but I’ve come back in to stay, though the sun is still out! We had to cut down a tree leaning over the house last weekend, and today we pulled brush and put up storm windows, and I’m going to have to redo my “rock and native plant garden” that was under that oak tree we cut—no light there and the high acid soil precluded anything but wild plants growing there and now the area is opened up to sunlight and the acid will be less so if I don’t plant something grass and weeds will grow!
That’s for another day though! I’m parking these old bones for the evening now…with Daylight savings time gone, 3:30 seems like 6 p.m. now! I put in 5 hours of manual labor and up and down a ladder already and that’s enough for today! (((hugs))))
Well Oxy I was just checking out the posts and liked yours here….
Last week I was given some news that my ex-sociopath (47) has struck again…seducing a much younger man,(33) moving in with him, becoming pregnant and marrying him only to leave him four months later after the wedding. Her agenda was clear.. the young man was due to inherit a sizable sum of money when his grandmother died… The sociopath waited around long enough for the death of the grandmother and when the money was either less then expected, or didn’t come at all, she bolted and perhaps aborted the 5 month baby and filed for divorce.
I was told that she played all kinds of mind games with him and his family, led everyone to believe that he beat her, convinced him to buy a “bigger” home, would leave him and come back, act crazy, then leave again, come back…acted like two different people… told so many lies that no one knew what was true…. the young man is of course pretty messed up about it all… My ex-socio was pretty stupid though… couldn’t keep the mask of sanity on long enough to get her hands on the money.. The young man’s parent were the execators of the will and when they saw all the crazy, bizzare behavoir, they held on to the money….
All of this info was just dropped into my lap a week ago, so it has my head spinning as well, and has drudged up some hurtful memories of my past with her…except for the marriage and the baby thing… it is exactly like my relationship with her..and the time frame is nearly the same as well… one year or so long…..I can just imagine her charming her way into his life and into the hearts of his family… only to change into a crazy, gold digging nightmare right before they very eyes….. this man got all the things I wanted with her when I was with her… marriage, baby.. and to be able to look at what would have happened to me if I had got what I thought I wanted with her.. well ..it’s like getting the lesson without having to go to school…..As many of the longer time readers here know… I have struggled for years with a betrayal bond with this women, even though contact was ended nearly 5 years ago…..Today… I made a appointment with a highly recommended therapist to finally get to work on removing this bond… He told me over the phone that it is a common thing with sociopaths and that he has had good treatment results…..In many ways.. I believe that I was suppose to learn of this latest, ugly thing she did to someone else, as it is a motivator to me to be rid of the betrayal bond I have had for many years….
So Oxy… I am ready to lighten my load as well…. wish I had done it sooner.. but glad it finally came to be…
Dear Southernman,
I think the teacher comes when we are ready to listen to the lesson, and with me I know that God has been patient and has allowed me to “retake the class” every time I flunked getting the lesson! LOL
The down sizing thing is only a part of it…both in lightening my load of things and baggage I drag along, but in decreasing my own bulk and starting to lead a healthy life in ALL the aspects of my life…physical, emotional, mental, financial, etc etc.
I know you’ve done a lot of work on other aspects of yourself and now maybe it is time to work on this one aspect.
I don’t know if you remember or not, but I used to have to “project of the week”—like this week would be “learning to set boundaries” and next week would be something else to work on. LOL And actually, I think that is a pretty good way to look at it. So this “week” (or whatever time frame is appropriate) it is time for you to work on the “betrayal bond” you formed with her, but sometimes we just aren’t ready (yet) to work on that particular aspect of our healing.
This whole thing is a process, a journey, not some “destination” that we reach and then we are “perfect.” I think in the past I thought I would reach some sort of “place” and I would be DONE, but finally realizing that it isn’t just about reaching some stage or some place or some nirvana, I realize it is all about the journey TOWARD peace. The closer we get the easier it is, the better life gets, but we aren’t ever going to be “perfect.”
I read a very inspiring story today bout a guy who weighed 420 pounds and was eating 10,000 calories a day…he was only 30. He finally made up his mind to eat RIGHT FOR LIFE and to exercise and started on a 2200 calorie eating plan, FOR LIFE. He now weighs 200 pounds and realized this is a LIFE CHANGE not a “diet”—and when the time is right, we make those life changes. Sometimes some people never reach the “right” time and don’t make those changes, but those of us who WORK steadily at making changes, FIND those times, those RIGHT TIMES.
I have EVERY CONFIDENCE in you Southernman! You can and will do anything you set your mind to! When the time is right! (((hugs)))) I’m glad that you are finding a good therapist who knows what you are working with too. That’s great!!!! God bless.
Oxy,
I LOVE your articles. I’d rather read articles by people who have lived the nightmare, than read articles about sociopaths “in the news”.
Well done Oxy. You offer so many of us SUCH great value.
Peace Sister
Dear Soul,
Thank you dear! I appreciate that and glad you like my articles. There are some amazing things though to learn from the news articles about psychopaths too.
Seeing how these people who are at the polar ends of the spectrum think and act, and how totally uncaring they can be….how narcissistic they are…etc….sort of makes us understand the more common “garden variety” psychopaths we have had to deal with.
Some of the ones I’ve dealt with ARE the polar ends, my P-son for example, or my p-sperm donor, and others are like my X-Daughter-in-law that everyone thought was so “sweet” and self sacrificing to take care of her son with MD—but I knew from the get go that this woman was “trouble” when my son C married her. Couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew in my gut she was “trouble”—I didn’t realize until her arrest that she was AS MUCH trouble as she was, or that she would have killed my son C (her husband) except for the grace of God and a cop being near by at the time he called 911. She PLANNED IT is what makes it worse, it wasn’t a crime of passion, but a pre-planned murder.
We can learn a lot from the “news” media psychopaths because a great many of them at first just appeared to be “billy bad asses” or “trashy” or even just “self-centered” but they can also be masking some SERIOUS danger.
Twenty-five percent of the women killed in this country are killed by husbands, BF, or lovers NOT STRANGERS and I will bet dollars to doughnuts that not one out of ten of those women every thought that he would “do such a thing”—even if they fought and he hit her, they never really believed he would KILL her, but he did.
So I’m “paranoid” but I am also realistic enough to know that even the worst psychopath in the news was someone’s baby boy, was some one’s cute little girl toddler—but grew up to be a con person and/or a killer.
Donna’s story and the other nearly 120 “true lovefraud” stories on here all sound pretty far fetched and unbelieveable but they could have been ANY OF US.
Know your enemy! And, they are the enemy!
Anyway, glad you like my articles. I’ll try to whip out a few more between clearing brush in the yard! LOL (((hugs))))
Dearest Oxy, what a fantastic article!You write so well, I hope you find time to write that book one day!You remind me of John Bunyan, who wrote the Pilgrims Progress.
You sure have” walked the walk”, and are well qualified to “talk the talk!”
Im getting there, slowly, took to heart what Hens said, re “not getting any younger, LOL! Never been this OLD before!
But I cant put myself back by getting ashamed of feeling anger,I am getting out of it.I must have needed that anger to free myself from Spath Ds.Kind of a rocket fuel to propel me away from them for good. I cant pretend its easy, and I still think of them every day. But at least now I KNOW that I KNOW what they are and there is no help or cure for them. I have for my sanity, and well being to stay NC for life, and thats hard to accept. but Im getting there. If OXy can do it, so can I!!
Now all I aim for is the Nirvana of Indifference, and hey if YOU were able to do this re your spath murdering son in jail, SO CAN I and I WILL!!Love ya heaps baby! And all of you! Mama GemXX
Dear Gem,
Just like we “bounce” from one stage of grief process to the next and back again, sometimes Ii get to “acceptance” or “nirvana” of indifference, and stay there a while, only to RE-gress some for a while. Pro-gress and re-gress but the highs are not so high and the lows not so low, and the waves don’t come as often any more.
It is a process and a journey, not a destination. I know I keep saying that over and over but that was such a TURNING point to me to realize that.
Don’t expect to have things just “turn a corner” one day and you don’t even remember you had them…for good or bad they are part of your life, but the memories don’t have to HURT SO BADLY.
I can remember the cute little freckle-faced boy that P son was, and the time he won a ribbon at the county fair for his duck… I no longer have to not think about that cute little boy because it reminds me of the monster that is in prison.
I’ve been able to separate those memories, but it is a continual work in progress.
Each day is a decision and each day I try to make the decision to feel good, to be happy, to enjoy the blessings I have….and to take notice of those blessings. Today I was caulking on the back side of the house around the windows, and the woods down the hill are starting to open up as the leaves fall. This year has been so dry so the leaves are like a fluffy goose-down feather bed over the ground and crisp and snap underfoot. The prettiest yellow butterfly came up and just would not go away. I finally stopped and just looked at it in wonder and thought how beautiful it was out today with the warm Indian summer sun on my back.
My muscles ache this evening but I feel really peaceful and just tired from working. Son D has company tonight and tomorrow they will pick up another Boy Scout Camp Staff member and go 4 hours away to the funeral for one of their friends. He’s had enough funerals to last a much older man lately, and this one is another young woman, only 42, who was healthy and well until 6 months ago, and now is deceased with cancer. So we never know when we will pass, and we should enjoy each and every day, each and every hour we have! I won’t let the psychopaths ROB me of another minute of my sanity or peace!
The best revenge is a good life! (((hugs)))) Love Oxy
Oxy, very good article! I relate to many of the comments also, the zombie (me)… isolating myself (me)… depression (me). I need to put some of this stress somewhere. sigh