By Ox Drover
I got to thinking the other day about how our strength and ability to carry an emotional load of “stress” is sort of like a long-distance walk or ride or race. People who travel in various long distance endurance races, or just for their own purposes, have to limit the amount of weight that they carry. Some people who do long distances on foot even cut the handle off their toothbrushes to reduce the load they have to carry by even a fraction of an ounce.
If I had to carry a five pound sack of flour to our local post office, which is about three miles away from my farm, up and down several steep hills, I could do it without a great deal of time involved, but would probably leave me feeling that that five pound sack of flour was “pretty heavy” by the time I got there. I am sure by the time I got to the post office, I would be switching it from hand to hand pretty rapidly as it seemed to gain weight. I could probably even carry that five pound sack of flour as far as the nearest town, about 13 miles away, though I would sure be tired when I got there.
However, if I had to pick up a fifty-pound sack of horse feed and carry it to our local post office, I could probably do it, but I imagine it would take me several days to accomplish it. If I had to carry that fifty-pound sack of horse feed to town, I could probably do it as well, but I would be physically and mentally exhausted when I arrived there several weeks, or more, after I started.
It isn’t just the weight of what we have to “carry” in terms of a “load,” but also the distance we must carry it. When I was a kid I saw a western movie where the guy is crossing the desert and he has a pack with enough gold to make him rich for the rest of his life. Eventually, though, it becomes so heavy that he throws it away in order to get across the desert alive.
Psychopathic weight
As we go through our lives we all have stress to carry, and the weight of that stress can be pretty heavy, for example, a divorce or a death in the family, but we recover from carrying that heavy weight. We rest and recoup our strength, before we progress on further. With the psychopath adding not only weight to our stress level, but keeping the stress at a high level, both the weight and the distance (time) we must carry the stress becomes overwhelming.
We may find ourselves in the position of the prospector coming out of the desert with a pack filled with gold, where we have become so tired from the weight and the distance that we have carried something, even something valuable to us, that we have to throw it down and leave it in order to survive for one more step.
Sometimes we “throw down” our careers, our education, or even taking care of our own health because we are so stressed out and so tired from dealing with the psychopath that it seems we don’t have the energy to accomplish taking care of these things. We feel as if our very survival depends on dropping some of the “weight” of “things to do” off our backs immediately. We become distracted by the weight of the demands of our families, our children, our jobs, and our psychopaths that we drop the “gold”–in this case, ourselves, in an effort to reduce our stress and “survive.”
Lightening the load
The most important thing I think I have learned from the chaotic experiences I’ve had with the psychopaths is that I have to be in this for the long distance course. I have to reduce the stress and weight of the “things” I carry so that I have the strength and resources to keep on carrying the “gold—”myself—for the distance.
I have to quit trying to carry the burdens of others who would rather have me carry them than hoist their own packs on their own backs and assume responsibility for themselves. I have to quit carrying unnecessary trivia, and distinguish between important things I need and things that I can do without. When it comes to “shared responsibilities,” I have to do my share and expect others to do theirs, to demand it if necessary, and to use my judgment to decide what is a fair division of those shared responsibilities.
I’m in this life for the long haul, not just for a sprint! So I’ve got to adjust the weight of my burdens accordingly and put my own long term best interest and my ability to survive foremost in my own mind and heart!
Anita,
I wish I could answer your question…about going to court seeming like breaking NC. Yea, it does, doesn’t it?
I recently had to prepare a presentation for my P-son’s parole hearing (fighting his parole) and I had to read through a foot locker full of his letters to me, to my other sons, to my egg donor, and to the Trojan Horse psychopathic ex con he sent to kill me—and boy did that EVER BREAK NC, I had a freaking melt down, broke out in shingles, and my eczema on my hands flared up (stress responses) etc. Yea it felt like BREAKING NC to me, BUT in order to make sure (as sure as I can) that he would not get out of prison to personally try to kill me, I felt it was IMPORTANT ENOUGH to go through the stress.
Sometimes, “just for money” it may not be “important” enough.
It is kind of the “cost versus benefit ratio” that we have to make.
Okay, what is the “cost” to us in terms of emotional upset + monetary cost + time invested and what is the POTENTIAL OUTCOME likely to be.
Kind of like buying a lotto ticket. It costs a DOLLAR, which isn’t much, and you will still have the rent money this week and be able to eat, and though the ODDS OF WINNING are TINY, but IF YOU DO WIN it will be BIG, so maybe you decide to “invest” $1 in the lotto.
However, I doubt that you would invest your entire 401K or your entire pay check in lotto tickets because the chances of winning are STILL LOW and the COST if you DON’T WIN are giving up a comfortable retirement and living in poverty forever.
YOU, and only you, can decide if the court fight is A) likely to win, B) what the cost to you is in terms of emotional stress to fight it vs the emotional stress of “giving up” or C) is it worth it win or loose
My husband was cheated out of his multimillion dollar aircraft business in 1976 by some professional con men. A Business he had built himself and that was “taking off” with great sales of an invention he had personally researched and developed. He was an engineer and more into research and development than into business and frankly he GOT CONNED by a couple of psychopaths who were GOOD at what they did.
It INFURIATED HIM, and even though they took total control of the business, and proceeded to rape it, he fought them for almost 7 years, devoting his entire time, every penny he could find, and his rabid anger at their con job into recovering his business. Well, he “won” in court finally—but by the time he “won” there was NO WAY HE COULD COLLECT ON THE JUDGMENT HE HAD AGAINST THEM. He collected an EMPTY WIN. They had the $$$$ well hidden away where he couldn’t find it, and they skipped off merrily with their loot intact without any kind of criminal prosecution and my husband was left holding an EMPTY SACK, broke and having spent 7 years proving they were crooks. It was an empty victory for him. I think, he could have spent those 7 years much more productively if he had been able to let go of the emotional involvement and his anger at being screwed by these professional cons and work on something else.
I’ve been in that shape too from time to time…..try to go after “justice” or just suck up the loss and write it off to “bad planning” and go on with life. I Wish I had the answer for you.
I agree with you that even going to court to get justice from these creeps (ANY contact) seems like breaking NC, but only YOU can determine if the COST vs. BENEFIT is worth it to YOU.
In my case, the COST was HIGH in terms of my emotional costs AND the money of hiring an attorney but I felt that the BENEFIT of hopefully keeping his arse in prison for another 1 to 5 years was worth the price, and taking a chance of him getting out wasn’t worth the risk! When his next parole hearing comes up, I’ll be there too, and maybe it will be easier next time since I won’t have to go through the foot locker of letters.
Which ever choice you make, to sue or not…accept that decision as FINAL AND RIGHT and don’t start second guessing your decision, that only ADDS to the stress. (((Hugs))))
Anitasee,
The thing about weighing out costs and benefits, is that we really don’t know how a thing will turn out. There are always variables beyond our knowledge and control.
part of my sense of self worth is based in being brave. It has been hard for me to hide from the spath and exercise a lot of caution as i go about undermining her. To do this work, is breaking NC. Absolutely. And if i had tried really hard to just walk away I could have. But, i don’t know how it would have affected me in the long term; every time i do something that slows her down now, or in the future, I get a piece of myself back.
I have been afraid of others in my life – 2 to be precise; people who stalked me and/ or tried to control me. In one case I fled and in the other I got to safety then started to fight back. One of the two – the one i fought back against, was my boyfriend. i was young and wouldn’t have considered anything but. If i had a legal leg to sue the spath for fraud, I don’t think I would stand on it – i don’t want to wrap myself up in her shit. But, I do have plans to sue my father when i am stronger for stealing from me – and yes, it’s about money.
You don’t hear anyone here telling Oxy or EB not to bother. I think you may have something to prove – and i don’t consider that negative, ’cause i think it may be to yourself. If you have a hope in hell of winning – I’d say go for it. Only you can figure out if it is taking care of yourself (in the short or long term) or depleting yourself with contact (in the short or long term); and how much you are willing or able to pay in stress to go forward with it.
When you are 98 and three days, which road will you feel best for having embarked on? You can’t control the outcome – but you can control the way you walk the path.
Dear Onestep,
I have also prided myself on being “brave” (Pride goeth before a fall!) But sometimes being WISE trumps being FOOLHARDY and BRAVE when there is no chance of wining!
Sometimes walking away from a fight is the WISE and SMART thing to do.
Do you remember that old funny C&W song “The Winner” about two guys in a bar, an old one and a young one, and the old one is a “winner”—-in every bar fight he was in. In this fight he lost an eye, in that fight an ear, in that one he got both arms broken but he hurt the other guy MORE so he was a WINNER! LOL
I honestly think sometimes it is not worth it to be a WINNER! There is too much to lose to be a WINNER! So what if you hurt him MORE if you must pay in your own blood for the privilege of “winning.”
Sometimes I think being BRAVE is walking away from a fight you could have “won” just because you don’t want to waste the energy on it.
I am “brave” now I think mostly because I have NO CHOICE but to be brave or live in terror. I finally decided that living in TERROR wasn’t worth what it cost me.
I think it was EB who said when you are no longer afraid to die, you can live. I do NOT want to die, but I am NOT AFRAID to die. I refuse to live in TERROR because that would give my P son the power over me to ruin my life. To control my every thought.
I know I have had my moments (days, and weeks) of TERROR but the hypervigilence and the jumping every time a car pulls into the yard is OVER for me.
Believe it or not, I went to the door last night when I heard a car pull up and I did NOT have my gun IN my hand…and that is actually relaxing a bit TOO much, but in a way it is a good sign too. (there was one on the bookcase behind the front door, though, in easy reach) LOL
oxy – i have walked blind through the valley of spath, not really knowing how to be, what to do. I’ve inched along, making mistakes, making some good calls, not knowing how to evaluate most of it – either how i feel or how i should act, as it was/is hard to judge the wisdom of some of my drives.
i have ‘bravery’ many different definitions over my life. i may have been fool hardy at times in reference to the spath – but it’s a learning experience. it’s like any of the thousands of things we learn over our lifetimes – the first time we encounter it, it’s all new. We get better with practice and experience.
The spath recently hacked some of the fake profiles used to warn others about her – she was able to change the text in one, and trace the other to a fake email address (wish i could say more about that – it’s pretty funny). I have been having computer troubles since, have taken more precautions- well, it’s the price of doing business – worth it? it’s irritating, but it hasn’t debilitated me emotionally – she is what she is and this is the shit she does. does it take my time and energy – yes. but i am getting better, clearer despite it.
living in terror isn’t worth it – either in your case where physical harm is a reality, or in mine. that is what i call bravery now – a refusal to live in terror. I couldn’t have done what i have if i didn’t rise up against the threats and BS she dishes out.
keep your enemies close and you firearms closer.
x one step
p.s. – wrote the local firing range today. want to learn how to use a handgun properly. think target practice would be a good stress release for me.
Dear One_step,
Yea, the only thing is that ammo has become so expensive even when you reload, which we do, so I don’t “practice’ much any more because of COST, but I actually think once the skill is learned it is like riding a bike, you get a level of ability and it doesn’t deterioirate much with not using it a lot.
A few months ago we had a shoot-a-rama out here at our fire arms range and several friends came and brought their guns and we fired each other’s guns etc. and even though I have NOT practiced much at all, I was about as good with ALL the fire arms as everyone else who DID practice on a regular basis. LOL
Even shooting guns that I am not familiar with. Son D is VERY accurate with a 22 rifle, and can put 10 shots in the circle the size of a dime 99 times out of a hundred, and I’m not that accurate, but I can hit the silver dollar sized ring 100 times out of 100 and for my PURPOSES that is “close enough for government work.” My ONLY purpose in shooting is self defense and it is like “horseshoes and hand grenades—CLOSE is good enough!” LOL I’m not into guns for recreation, but to me they are a TOOL for a specific use, and they are like a fire extinguisher, keep them handy for when you need them, you need them NOW. Be sure you know how to use them as well. When you are trying to use them is NOT the time to read the instruction manual. LOL
I personally don’t even hunt any more so only have ones that are utilitarian. Don’t need the meat.
So my definitions of bravery have changed as time has gone on too…and basically they are about protecting yourself and others, doing what has to be done with the least amount of danger and risk to yourself—and knowing when to retreat! (advance in the opposite direction! LOL)
i like your new def of bravery oxy. knowing when to retreat is about experience and wisdom – and perhaps the trickiest thing with spaths, ’cause like I said – it’s a whole new ball game.
I used to shoot as a teenage; belonged to the rifle club at….school. sigh, how things have changed. don’t think my various kinks and injuries will allow me to shoot a rifle comfortably, so I am going to check out handguns. I don’t own a gun any longer, but thought I could take lessons. lots of rules and regs here – so, don’t know if i can do it – might need to do a lot of government crap first. too bad i am not on speaking terms with my dad – he’s got a whack of firearms.
For cheap and easy, you can get a CO-2 pellet pistol and they are fun to shoot and CHEAP, so you might investigate that. I haven’t heard of a shooting range where they furnish the gun as well as instruction. But who knows, there might be one somewhere.
BTW up close and personal a pellet gun is better than no gun and if you aim it right you can do some serious damage to someone at least long enough to get away.
I was appalled the other day that there is a store in the relatively SMALL town nearest me that RENTS “fancy wheels and tires” for cars! I MEAN, COMMMMMEEEE ON! That is more insane than renting furniture at horrible outrageous prices!!! So I won’t say “never” to anything any more! LOL
hehe..rental car parts. snort….
i’ll check into the pellet pistol – i am not looking to own here oxy – it’s of no use to have a gun given our laws – they have to be so locked up you could never get to them in time; the licensing is very expensive; and you have to write govt. tests, blah blah…i swear!
I forgot you don’t live in the US….that’s one reason I haven’t left the US.
Get a baseball bat! LOL
I have a bat by the door! Good old wood one, too!