By Ox Drover
I got to thinking the other day about how our strength and ability to carry an emotional load of “stress” is sort of like a long-distance walk or ride or race. People who travel in various long distance endurance races, or just for their own purposes, have to limit the amount of weight that they carry. Some people who do long distances on foot even cut the handle off their toothbrushes to reduce the load they have to carry by even a fraction of an ounce.
If I had to carry a five pound sack of flour to our local post office, which is about three miles away from my farm, up and down several steep hills, I could do it without a great deal of time involved, but would probably leave me feeling that that five pound sack of flour was “pretty heavy” by the time I got there. I am sure by the time I got to the post office, I would be switching it from hand to hand pretty rapidly as it seemed to gain weight. I could probably even carry that five pound sack of flour as far as the nearest town, about 13 miles away, though I would sure be tired when I got there.
However, if I had to pick up a fifty-pound sack of horse feed and carry it to our local post office, I could probably do it, but I imagine it would take me several days to accomplish it. If I had to carry that fifty-pound sack of horse feed to town, I could probably do it as well, but I would be physically and mentally exhausted when I arrived there several weeks, or more, after I started.
It isn’t just the weight of what we have to “carry” in terms of a “load,” but also the distance we must carry it. When I was a kid I saw a western movie where the guy is crossing the desert and he has a pack with enough gold to make him rich for the rest of his life. Eventually, though, it becomes so heavy that he throws it away in order to get across the desert alive.
Psychopathic weight
As we go through our lives we all have stress to carry, and the weight of that stress can be pretty heavy, for example, a divorce or a death in the family, but we recover from carrying that heavy weight. We rest and recoup our strength, before we progress on further. With the psychopath adding not only weight to our stress level, but keeping the stress at a high level, both the weight and the distance (time) we must carry the stress becomes overwhelming.
We may find ourselves in the position of the prospector coming out of the desert with a pack filled with gold, where we have become so tired from the weight and the distance that we have carried something, even something valuable to us, that we have to throw it down and leave it in order to survive for one more step.
Sometimes we “throw down” our careers, our education, or even taking care of our own health because we are so stressed out and so tired from dealing with the psychopath that it seems we don’t have the energy to accomplish taking care of these things. We feel as if our very survival depends on dropping some of the “weight” of “things to do” off our backs immediately. We become distracted by the weight of the demands of our families, our children, our jobs, and our psychopaths that we drop the “gold”–in this case, ourselves, in an effort to reduce our stress and “survive.”
Lightening the load
The most important thing I think I have learned from the chaotic experiences I’ve had with the psychopaths is that I have to be in this for the long distance course. I have to reduce the stress and weight of the “things” I carry so that I have the strength and resources to keep on carrying the “gold—”myself—for the distance.
I have to quit trying to carry the burdens of others who would rather have me carry them than hoist their own packs on their own backs and assume responsibility for themselves. I have to quit carrying unnecessary trivia, and distinguish between important things I need and things that I can do without. When it comes to “shared responsibilities,” I have to do my share and expect others to do theirs, to demand it if necessary, and to use my judgment to decide what is a fair division of those shared responsibilities.
I’m in this life for the long haul, not just for a sprint! So I’ve got to adjust the weight of my burdens accordingly and put my own long term best interest and my ability to survive foremost in my own mind and heart!
Thanks for your input, Oxy and One Step, I especially liked “When you are 98 and three days, which road will you feel best for having embarked on? You can’t control the outcome ”“ but you can control the way you walk the path.
Reminds of another favorite quote ” we make the path by walking”.
I guess that deep down I already know the answer to my own question tho’… and that is that I need to suck it up and stand tall, for the sake of my own self esteem, and the example I set to my kids. I believe I have surprised everyone with my resiliance and tenacity and I am not ready to roll over. Feelings for or about him are a distant, long gone memory, now there is only disgust and quite frankly loathing.
He has claimed in all the court docs and to anyone that will listen that he is a poor pensioner living on peanuts, when in fact I have evidence that he is CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD and shareholder of a significant company with a very rosy future.
In the meantime, while playing my boys, and promising them the moon “soon” he recently responded to one of my sons request for help with $50.00. Designed to hurt, and demean.
He is a sadist, very high on himself and his ability to get away with anything. But he makes stupid mistakes, thanks to his own sense of entitlement and grandiosity.
Oxy, it has been so great to read your posts and see how you continue to thrive, having taken your stand. I cannot imagine you as terrified as you describe, except of course the circumstances warranted it- no doubt. I hope you can oneday soon be relieved of the need to be so vigilant, and know that your P son can never hurt you or yours again.
Early on in my split with the P I too feared that he would send people to hurt me (he is too cowardly to do something himself I believe, and would want to keep his hands clean). I literally decided that I could not live that way. Since then I have had several significant legal victories that have left him powerless- except of course that he has all the dough- and I am killing myself at a slave like job- and living in a rented house thanks to the mercy of really good freinds.
But if I don’t stand up to this one P, the very same one that made my life a torment, while presenting an outside life of the good husband and father, the provider, the upstanding business man – all that, that I worked so hard to validate for him- then what the hell is the point?
All of you posting here give me strength, and my story pales in comparison to what so many of you have been through. Viva Lovefraud- and all it’s healing power- thanks to Donna and Dianne and Steve and everyone else who shares here.
TOWANDA boys and girls.
Dear Anitasee,
I’m glad that you are gaining strength from Lovefraud! This is a super place for sure!
Don’t doubt that I was a complete babbling wreck there for several months! The power we give them to completely destroy our lives is amazing, looking back on it especially! Even the strongest person can be unhinged with enough stress, and they sure know how to pile it on, kick you when you are down, and then stop on the bloody pulp!
Oh, and yes, presenting an external picture of the soul of kindness. Makes you want to puke doesn’t it? Well, in the end, if we SURVIVE it makes us the WINNERS.
I read Dr. Viktor Frankl’s bookk “Man’s search for meaning” that he wrote AFTER spending nearly 4 years in the Nazi prison camps. I figure if HE can find meaning in life and rise above it all,, the bitterness and the sense of loss then by golly I can. I think other than the Bible his book was the MOST MEANINGFUL to me of everything I read. The Stories in the Bible that sustained me were the story of David hiding in the caves from King Saul,, and the story of Joseph and how he tested his brothers who had sold him into slavery before he identified himself to them. Those stories spoke to me and I read them over and over and over again!
I had read those stories and knew them almost “by heart” but I found NEW MEANING in them when I was at my lowest, when I felt the most alone and confused and bereft of every comfort.
Sometimes I still wish I had figured all this out before I had spent most of my life giving my all to the psychopaths, but we don’t get to “do overs” in this life and we have to make the best of what we learn when we learn it. I think in so many ways I am happier than I have ever been, more satisfied, and content.
I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense maybe, but life sure FEELS good now in spite of the usual aches and pains of getting older and not having the physical ability, strength or energy that I’ve always been used to having! I don’t “feel old” inside, but full of life and enjoyment! Loads of GOOD memories to draw upon and each day there seems to be something amazing to see or think about.
This morning I watched two little gray squirrels on the back deck stuffing acorns into their little mouths to haul off to their stashes. My cat was watching them as they scampered about (from inside the house) and her tail twitching as she wished she could get to them. Just simple little things that I take notice of give me a great deal of pleasure! It is amazing what you can enjoy when your mind and heart are not in pain from the psychopaths! Doesn’t take much to make a wonderful life when it is P-FREE.
ravenlesstower, you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers. xoxoxoxo
Anitasee,
the quote, “we make our path by walking” reminds me of another quote,:
“If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.”
— Joseph Campbell
Congrats on your legal victories, may there be many more, but more importantly: Your path is your own, because you are an original.
There is nothing original about the sociopath. He is always wearing someone else’s skin. Testing the waters with this facade or that. He doesn’t want to grow up so he is doomed to forever take on false grownup faces.
Anitasee – you have my support and best wishes in this. You have obviously been able to withstand the pressures thus far, and I suspect you can continue. It also sounds like you also have a good lawyer. Yay!
good luck!
Sky – thank you for the Joseph Campbell quote. It helps me at this time of partial blindness.
Thanks, so much, Bluejay, Oxy, EB, Hens, and Southernman.
I got the cottage, though I am not moved in yet. I am excited and anxious to get settled. I am decorating and moving furniture around in my imagination…the place is so cute, but it will be a creative challenge to fit it all in….I will have to down-size quite a bit….but visions of petunias and braided rugs and frilly curtains , are dancing through my head.
Thanks again for the input. Everyone of you said take the cottage. Thanks.
Skylar, How true, they are always wearing someone elses skin…reminds me of how I felt for years, when I was trying to “wear the skin” of being happily married to him. All my interactions with others felt awkward, even with total strangers, as if I was “pretending” everything was fine. I guess that was me in deep denial, trying to wear his “skin”. Mind f*&^%’ ER$, all of them.
Dear Kim,
I think this is going to be the best move you could possibly make, to get out of that situation living under the same roof with the SIL. Living in a COMBAT ZONE is not a way to live a healthy life. I realize your D was there but still it was in a combat zone and there was never a peaceful atmosphere for you to grow in—that kind of stress on top of what we have all experienced is just not conducive to a healthy life.
I’ve lived in that combat zone at times (hasn’t the parent of every teen-aged kid?) At least when you are the parent you usually are at least in semi-control, but in that situation you weren’t so now you will have your OWN SPACE and your own control over your own space.
I think it is important for everyone to have a safe sanctuary, even a happily married couple have to each have their own space that is their own. I will never live in a combat zone again. If my house/space becomes a combat zone I will leave if I cant make the other combatant leave. It is just too important to me to be able to have a sanctuary that is mine—even if it is a card board box in a park, it will be MY cardboard box in a park.
I am excited about your little cottage, and you decorate it the way you want it and make it YOUR cottage! Your sanctuary!
Well, I ‘ve got work to do so see you guys later when I take a break!
Kim – congrats! yours and safe – doesn’t get much better than that. There is lots of info about small spaces online now. My own place has poor closets – REALLY poor closets and not the outdoor storage space i am used to. I have put two extra upper shelves in the clothes closets; and have put hooks up high in the rafters on the porch to hold my gardening stuff and woodworking clamps. I had lots of other ideas – but i don’t think i will be staying here. I have put things on the inside of the kitchen cupboard doors (including using over the door clothes hooks to hang tools on), and have been on the look out for containers with wheels to slide under the bed. I have a nice big pro kitchen rack, but the kitchen is small here. I have instead put wooden boxes and baskets on it and it holds a real mix of stuff – canning stuff,art stuff and saws.
I am thinking about moving, and have started going through things – just a bit. I have a lot of clothes that I have grown out of – don’t know if i will ever fit in them again. am getting rid of the smallest, and also some of tired things. it’s not a lot, but it is a start.
This place doesn’t have to be forever and maybe in a year or two, you might want to move if you find it toooo small…but it sure sounds like a great start!