By Ox Drover
I got to thinking the other day about how our strength and ability to carry an emotional load of “stress” is sort of like a long-distance walk or ride or race. People who travel in various long distance endurance races, or just for their own purposes, have to limit the amount of weight that they carry. Some people who do long distances on foot even cut the handle off their toothbrushes to reduce the load they have to carry by even a fraction of an ounce.
If I had to carry a five pound sack of flour to our local post office, which is about three miles away from my farm, up and down several steep hills, I could do it without a great deal of time involved, but would probably leave me feeling that that five pound sack of flour was “pretty heavy” by the time I got there. I am sure by the time I got to the post office, I would be switching it from hand to hand pretty rapidly as it seemed to gain weight. I could probably even carry that five pound sack of flour as far as the nearest town, about 13 miles away, though I would sure be tired when I got there.
However, if I had to pick up a fifty-pound sack of horse feed and carry it to our local post office, I could probably do it, but I imagine it would take me several days to accomplish it. If I had to carry that fifty-pound sack of horse feed to town, I could probably do it as well, but I would be physically and mentally exhausted when I arrived there several weeks, or more, after I started.
It isn’t just the weight of what we have to “carry” in terms of a “load,” but also the distance we must carry it. When I was a kid I saw a western movie where the guy is crossing the desert and he has a pack with enough gold to make him rich for the rest of his life. Eventually, though, it becomes so heavy that he throws it away in order to get across the desert alive.
Psychopathic weight
As we go through our lives we all have stress to carry, and the weight of that stress can be pretty heavy, for example, a divorce or a death in the family, but we recover from carrying that heavy weight. We rest and recoup our strength, before we progress on further. With the psychopath adding not only weight to our stress level, but keeping the stress at a high level, both the weight and the distance (time) we must carry the stress becomes overwhelming.
We may find ourselves in the position of the prospector coming out of the desert with a pack filled with gold, where we have become so tired from the weight and the distance that we have carried something, even something valuable to us, that we have to throw it down and leave it in order to survive for one more step.
Sometimes we “throw down” our careers, our education, or even taking care of our own health because we are so stressed out and so tired from dealing with the psychopath that it seems we don’t have the energy to accomplish taking care of these things. We feel as if our very survival depends on dropping some of the “weight” of “things to do” off our backs immediately. We become distracted by the weight of the demands of our families, our children, our jobs, and our psychopaths that we drop the “gold”–in this case, ourselves, in an effort to reduce our stress and “survive.”
Lightening the load
The most important thing I think I have learned from the chaotic experiences I’ve had with the psychopaths is that I have to be in this for the long distance course. I have to reduce the stress and weight of the “things” I carry so that I have the strength and resources to keep on carrying the “gold—”myself—for the distance.
I have to quit trying to carry the burdens of others who would rather have me carry them than hoist their own packs on their own backs and assume responsibility for themselves. I have to quit carrying unnecessary trivia, and distinguish between important things I need and things that I can do without. When it comes to “shared responsibilities,” I have to do my share and expect others to do theirs, to demand it if necessary, and to use my judgment to decide what is a fair division of those shared responsibilities.
I’m in this life for the long haul, not just for a sprint! So I’ve got to adjust the weight of my burdens accordingly and put my own long term best interest and my ability to survive foremost in my own mind and heart!
Beverly
Hi OxDrover. Just thought I would pop in to say a big Hello to those who know me. Its been a long time since Ive blogged, but I do think about you from time to time and valued the support here which was so freely given to me in my difficult times. Things are going very well for me now. My experience with the narcissist and the ensuing bombshell is long long gone. I am well, have moved house to a really nice peaceful area and I am very happy in myself. I am not having a male relationships and I am quite happy to be single and safer that way. My health is also good and I have healed quite well.
How are you Ox Drover? Love and best wishes from
Bev
Ox Drover
Dear Bevie!!!!!]
HEY GIRLFRIEND!!! SO GOOD TO SEE YOU! Jannie popped by the other day and I asked her about you. I think of you often and miss you here with your great advice to folks! I am so glad that you are doing well.
Over all I’m still kicking and working toward continual improvements, losing weight (18 or so pounds down and about 40+ to go) I quit smoking a year or so ago, and am on the whole doing things FOR ME now!
I had a couple of dates a year or so ago, but the guy revealed his “true colors” —probably not a psychopath, but not someone I would want to invest a lot of time in, so haven’t done out since, but that’s okay too.
P-son’s parole comes up in January 2011 and I’ve got my data in to the attorney I hired PROTESTING his parole. That was kind of stressful, but I’m recovering from that drama-rama and doing things that are “just life” now and trying to enjoy the blessings of every day that passes.
Trying to learn to cook on a NO salt, low fat, and low calorie menu, and that is a challenge in itself. (I do whine and complain a bit about it! LOL)
Still NC with the egg donor, but living in my house in reasonable security for the time being and really don’t have any reason to think that P-son might actually get out, and right now he doesn’t have any significant am’t of money to hire someone to come after me so I don’t feel threatened. Until the egg donor passes away and he inherits significant wads of cash, or he gets out of prison, (or both) he is pretty well a NON-threat. But I’ll dynamite that bridge when I come to it!
Thanks for stopping by Bevie! I sure do miss you girlfriend! I think about you in the “old country” and wish I could visit there! One of our bloggers here is from Scotland and now lives in Oz, and goes back for a holiday now and then. I just travel there in books, but have the genes to love it! ((((hugs)))) and all my best to you Bev, you are always in my prayers!
hens
Hello Beverly I am so happy to see you are doing so well…hens is the short version of henry ~!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Need some input – i really want t go away for christmas far away from mu family, and warm, and can’t afford to. I know it would feed my soul to go. So, I have to figure out to give myself something really different at home – or within a couple hundred miles.
it’s going to be lonely. i am thinking about seeing my gram, but i really see that as more of a heartbreak than soul nourishing. I will go and volunteer, and that will be good – but i really need a positive ‘shake up’ – wish i could stroll around Barcelona, or go snorkeling in the south…but, not going to happen.
I am having a hard time with this need to refuel can’t afford it thing today – so. thought i’d shout out and see if the ever inventive lf crew could weigh in!
Findingmyself
One_step: That’s a tough one! I know I would like to get away for the holidays but I can’t afford it either. I would love to travel home, with my 6 children, for at least one of the holidays, but its a 12 hour drive and then trying to find relatives to put up me and my 6 kids is not easy. I know where I live, in the rural country, there is not much to do-not even much volunteer work. I will let you know if I get a revelation :
hens
Onestepper’s – I think the holidays are over rated, most people are just glad when they are over. I have my xmas get together with my kids a week before because they have so many places to go, in law’s, mothers, grandparent’s etc. So I put no pressure on them to be with me on xmas day or thanksgiving day..but then I always end up alone on those days…I dont have money to go anywhere either..but I am going to put up a tree and enjoy the holiday season and not focus on being alone on the day..the memory’s of the 3 holiday seasons with spathnasty are enuff to make me celebrate his not being here….
geminigirl
Well said hens! Well have a National Spathfree day!
Better than Xmas and Thanksgiving rolled into one!
A TTFIFOS Day !!
{“Thank the F—k Im free of Spath Day!}
Love, GemXX
one/joy_step_at_a_time
well hens – this will be the first year without my friends and my second without my family. january to march with be very heavy for me, non stop work. i need to refuel and not be sad and lonely over xmas, because it will take me down.
i need to do some nice things for myself. i can spend it alone, but it can’t be at home. I came to lf just before xmas last year; it was a hellish time, and with the anniversary things, i know it will be hard on me – so i am making proactive choices. i need the creativity of others to help me figure out how i can do this with little cash.
i don’t celebrate xmas – but i will have a few days off, and i want to do somethings that are nice for me, and not mope around in pain because of all that i have lost and don’t have now; or because i am remembering this time last year – which sucked mightily.
geminigirl
One step, In Sydney, you can volunteer to help dish out Xmas lunch at the Mathew Talbot Homeless mens shelter,I did it once, and it was GREAT!
Very happy and Christmassy, everyone tucking in to free xmas grub,a bit like soup kitchen but nicer.
Maybe you could enquire if there ia similar organisation near to where you live? The Salvos,{salvation Army,} are always very glad of extra helpers at Xmas, esp. on the day itself.
You get to eat with everyone mucking in, its fun, and you get afree lunch and a free feel good glow!!
Just an idea! Lots of love,gem,XX
one/joy_step_at_a_time
findingmyself – thanks! just had a thought. maybe i’ll buy a webcam – not too expensive. then i can skype all my friends overseas over xmas. THAT would be fun! is that something you could do with our family?