Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
If someone is continuously harming you, and refuses to stop, should they be forgiven? This is a question that I hope you will try answer at the end of this post.
My dad is a convicted serial killer. He killed 4 people and told me about the crimes with great pride. He used me, his favorite son, to help him destroy evidence when he felt that I might be a risk. He made me a part of this so that I would not go to police. He abused my mom, and brothers and sisters.
This is not the place to try to make one experience with a sociopath out to be any worse than another, they all bring about the same feelings of shame, guilt and often times depression. The question really is”¦”what do we do with these experiences?”
As far as I can tell, based on my own experience, is that we have only two choices. We can let go through forgiveness and find freedom that we never imagined possible turning this nightmare into a net gain that becomes a gift, or we can resist the lesson and continue to punish ourselves for the rest of our lives.
This is The Choice.
How does it make you feel when you think of the pain that was caused by your experience with a sociopath? Take a few minutes to look within yourself and be honest about how it makes you feel to think about the events that happened to you as a result of your encounter with a sociopath.
If you feel sick, sad, guilty, or regret the past, ask yourself who is harming you with these thoughts and feelings right now. If the sociopath is not in your life at this time and you are still feeling this pain, where is it coming from and why is it still there? Finally, if you still feel this way, are you not continuing to give the sociopath the power to control your life and poison existing relationships?
These are tough questions and the answers did not come easy for me. As long as I was not willing to let go of the past, I continued to suffer. As a result, I had paralyzing migraine headaches, chronic back pain, nightmares, irritable bowel syndrome and other illnesses that plagued me as a young adult long after my father went to prison.
I “thought” he didn’t deserve forgiveness. In fact, I was sure of it. That is because I did not know what forgiveness is. What I did not realize was that it was not him that I was hurting, but me.
Once again, forgiveness really has very little to do with the other person. It does not condone the behavior, release them from their responsibilities or say It’s OK to harm people. What forgiveness really does is release us from an emotional prison that we have created for ourselves. We hold the key and don’t even know it; because “we think” forgiveness tells the perpetrator that what they did is OK. Forgiveness is only accepting what already is and what cannot be changed.
There is A Miracle that awaits us when we do this and it changes everything. Our perspective changes, our outlook upon life improves, and happiness is restored.
Why are so many of us so unwilling to let go of the past? I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know this, a simple willingness is all that’s needed to make The Miracle possible. God will show you the way if you ask for His help with a sincere willingness to be free of the past.
Part of the Miracle is that when we let go of the past, we stop repeating it. Freedom has all kinds of rewards and the end result is gratitude for the experience because of what it really offered. Listen to those that have found their freedom from forgiving others (and themselves) and you will see this Truth.
Today, The Miracle for me is that I have learned The Truth about suffering. The only thing that has the power to harm me now is my thoughts. This is where all suffering comes from. Freedom from this comes from letting go of the past.
I have none of those physical and emotional illnesses today. The one thing that changed everything for me was a decision to learn about and pursue forgiveness. I first had to accept that I knew nothing about what forgiveness really meant.
This helped me to learn a little bit about exactly who was hurting me and why. If I cannot forgive him for hurting me, then how can I forgive myself for continuing to hurt myself with the experience long after it happened? I have forgiven myself, but I needed to see the benefits first, trust the process, and forgive my father to be able to do it.
My dad is still on death row and is no threat to me or my family. He cannot harm me anymore. When I forgave my father, all I really said was “you can’t hurt me anymore.”
As for me? I still have do work daily to keep from hurting myself with negative thoughts, but at least I am aware of who is really doing the hurting now and know what to do about it. Awareness is a great spiritual gift. I have found much of heaven and am grateful.
I will continue to write weekly here, but for those that are interested and willing to go more deeply into the process of letting go, please join A Course In Forgiving (begins January 19, 2012). I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.
There is no fee of (optional donation of up to $25.00) for the six week online course. This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace.
If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”. For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.
Peace.
New Beginning –
I wasn’t sure whether you saw that I had replied to a question you asked. If not, here’s the link –
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2011/12/27/letters-to-lovefraud-losing-the-fear-of-what-ifs/
aussiegirl, I did now – thank you for pointing me in the right direction!
Dear Hosanna: Our stories are very similar. I was a Pastors wife and Missionary. My first husband of 29 years ended up having a double-life and very abusive to me when I would “discover” things. I held our family and ministry together becasue I did not know what was going on…just knew something was not right. When discovered I divorced him but not until 3 years of trying to make it work with him. I let myself go so much that all I wanted out of the relationship was no more lies and no more abuse. Nothing for myself….
9 months later I met and married the most dangerous Spath. in 10 months through my Pastor/best friend (female) he conned her and through her “covering” and power turned every church member, friend and 3 daughters and husbands against me. I discovered teen porn and uncovered that he has done this to 3 other women… but they have stood by the spath side and will not even look at the evidence, the testimonies of the women who have reported him as a pedophile. Nothing. They have taken the stance that the “husbands” were justified through their perverted and manipulative schemes.
They have made me the abuser! To live through the abuse is one thing but TO BE TREATED AS THE ONE WHO ABUSED IS ANOTHER!! So, to this day I have not been in a church in 2 years. I read books and get “church” from the internet. When I go to my son’s BB games I watch as the first husband has all the church people and “our” friends and it is a really brain @.......#$%! because I did not live in deception, addictions or lies….I nearly killed myself to keep our family together while praying for him,loving him and his issues.,and I am the one siting alone and get the looks from the Church people?? Now the church has taken their stand against me,and want me to go before this Pastor and accept reponsibility for my part in all this. There was no part other than trying to uncover their hidden lives, They ( the Church) this Pastor did not give me ONE chance to speak. She/they made their judgement based on what the Spaths told them….. when I asked for a chance to speak they said not until I am ready to take responsibity. I refuse to put myself under this leadership to be abused by the church after being nearly killed by the Spath, so I guess I am excommunicated.
I walked into a diff. Church for Christmas…..but feel so out of place. I do not trust anyone, and puposely went to church where no one would know me. I have no “Christian” testimony left because if I wanted to join a new Church they would hear the lies of this Pastor and so how do i begin again? I want to be a apart of a body becUSE i have a love and call to street children in 3rd world countries…..but all that is gone now. I am really afraid of the Church and it’s power to abuse rather than love. This Pastor never had one day of training in Spaths,psychology, Cluster B personalities….. but has the power to take away my family and testimony based on her 3 years of online Pastoral Studies????
Thank God that the Lord is real, and is not found in a Church…. only but through a real relationship even in the wee hours of the night when I am totally alone.
Anyways …I know how you feel about the “Church”. But I knwo there ARE real Pastor and Chrisatians out there. It is just that Satan is out to destroy the Churches and Christains testimony. I do not want to be a part of that….just saying I understand.
Bellaangel,
remember that Jesus was a Jew and his “church” leaders had him crucified. Churches do stuff like that. Anywhere that power accumulates, there is corruption and anywhere that sheep congregate, there is a lack of responsibility and a need to scapegoat. It’s been that way since the dawn of the patriarchal hierarchy was established. Back then, though, they used an ACTUAL goat during the ceremony. Now we have a flour wafer – it just doesn’t seem to go as far in the re-enactment of the drama.
There’s only one way to deal with this primitive and infantile group hysteria: DO NOT PARTICIPATE. DO NOT FEED THE SPATHS. Once you see it for what it is, it’s easy to know when this evil mindset appears: You will notice an increase in DRAMA.
Our mission is to teach awareness of this disorder in all its different forms and to teach recognition of the redflags. First, though, we have to become aware, ourselves.
I cant take the direct or indirect abuse anymore… and no one seems to get it. I went to the police department yesterday to report the “nude” pics of me in the internet and they told me that he is NOT violating any laws and that since there isnt anyting explicitely stated in the restraining order they could not do anything… what about the fact that he retaliating against for having him arrested and getting a restraining order against his ass, what about the emotional and professional damage he is doing… I reported the pics to google and they were removed however, the are back again today.. I just cant take this anymore, its like the never ending roller coaster.
Alina, the cops SHOULD do something about this….GET AN ATTORNEY for this one, do NOT take this lying down. I am so sorry you are going through this and the cops are being jerks about it.
Also, contact the district attorney of your county, if that doesn’t help, then contact the district attorney for your STATE….as well as an attorney. ((((Hugs)))
Dear bellaangel
I understand your pain! I literally started shaking reading your story! As I read about your experiences I cried, so similar, so PAINFUL, you suffered for so long! I am so sorry that you were treated that way! You are not alone, I truly feel your pain and struggle. I BELIEVE YOU, I BELIEVE EVERY LAST WORD AND I UNDERSTAND HOW DEVASTATING IT IS WHEN YOU ADD CHURCH DYNAMICS AND SPIRITUAL ABUSE to the mix!!! I am so PROUD of you for standing up for yourself and saying NO to the churches sick abusive way of handling the situation! GOOD FOR YOU! Jesus stood beside you all the while that you were trying to hold it together and do the right thing. You told the truth about what was going on and I admire your courage for it, that was the right thing to do, no matter what they did with the truth, you did the right thing. You DO still have a testimony, your testimony is keeping your faith even after all the abuse and cruelty and hypocrisy you experienced! Your testimony is alive and well! If we keep our faith and continue to love people and continue to tell the truth about our lives – the good – the bad – and the ugly, that IS our testimony. Nobody can take that away from us! To walk through that kind of fire and not become forever stuck in bitterness and unforgiveness, that’s a MIRACLE! You are a miracle and I admire your tenacity, commitment to the truth and courage! GOD IS REAL, and He wouldn’t set foot in a church like the one that treated you like that! Religious people killed Jesus! I don’t want anything to do with self righteous religious people! I hope you find trustworthy people to share your faith with!! I will pray for continued healing for you! God bless you, and the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your heart and mind through Christ Jesus!
@alina
It isn’t fair, it isn’t right!! It is ridiculous that law enforcement not act on your behalf! I had the same experience! It is clearly abusive behavior that your ex did that! WHAT AN EVIL JERK! You can take it into the courthouse and request the judge add it to the restraining order. I hope it ends ASAP!
I just got a phone call from a single friend that just bumped into my ex spath on an internet dating site, he claims to be in ministry. Oh Lord help women to see through the lies!!!! They will have no idea that he is a pedophile sex offender with no intention of ever getting a real job, that he owes thousands in back taxes, $93,000 in school loans that he never paid for, back medical bills he never paid for, he did not mention his sex and porn addiction, multiple felonies, or the fact that he was asked to leave the last church he was working at, he has no driver’s license because of multiple drunk driving arrests and not paying child support, didn’t mention his last marriage was annulled based on fraud and that he has had multiple restraining orders filed against him for domestic violence or that he has committed bigamy, stabbed a guy 5 times in the chest in a bar fight, sold his first daughter for drug money…He is online looking for the next woman to abuse and use as his meal ticket!! God help her!
There are a lot of psychopaths on internet dating sites. Prime fodder for them looking for lonely people. Mine was on one for awhile too and his profile was filled with lies.