By | February 10, 2009 45 Comments

Update from Gem, daughter of imprisoned con artist

I just received this from Gem (see Realities only family members know) so I thought I would pass it along. You can see how wise a resilient young lady can be and what it takes to cope with a sociopath father.

I just received a new letter from my dad, I thought I would share it with you… and you are welcome to use anything from this letter for blogging purposes or anything else.

” Dear _______(My sweetheart),
How are you G- Boy do I miss you! How is your big senior year going. Hang in there you are almost there. I want to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day. You are, and always will be my sweetheart. I love you. I pray for you daily, never missed a day since September 5th. Hang in there, trust God- He will be your strength I have a hearing coming up soon for a reconsideration on my sentence. I would appreciate you writing a letter to the judge if you feel you can. I will ask ______ and _____ as well. You can get them to grandm (his mother) and she will take care of everything. We will get it to the judge and what happens after that is God’s will. Either way, thank you for being the best daugter in the world. Hang in there sweetie. God has great things in store for you. I want you to know I can call you but only do so if you let me know it’s ok with you. Please take care of yourself. I love you, I miss you and I pray for you constantly.

Gem said-
I rolled my eyes at a few parts like when he calls me his sweetheart. Or when he prays for me daily… ugh. He NEVER talked to me like this outside of prison. I’m thinking about writing a letter to the judge and saying… he NEEDS to stay in prison!! What do you think???

I replied-
I think their tactics get old and more obvious the older they get. As I started to read the letter, I thought, “I wonder what he wants?” Then my question was answered. It is empowering when you know the tricks don’t work on you any more.

Anyone else wanting to write a letter on behalf of Gem’s father can send it to me!

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I want you to know I can call you but only do so if you let me know it’s ok with you.

OMG that line reminded me so much of my living ghost…I used to call it, the END on a high note tactic
almost like they are thinking….OK How can i finish this in a good way!

I love how they all communicate in this fashion…lol
Even money he won’t call, maybe just once, just to make sure your on board with the judge letter.

Fleeced Ewe

I bet he really misses her. Misses messing with her.
When she writes to the judge, she needs to make sure that she includes a brief letter from a psychologist informing the judge of the danger to her if he is released (and especially if he finds out that she did not support his release).


Ox Drover

This is called, (at least in federal court) a “Rule 35 hearing” which comes after the sentence is first passed. Letters are collected from everyone they can think of pleading for the sentence to be lowered. Many times it is lowered.

I think she SHOULD write the judge and tell the judge the TRUTH. I’m not sure it will do any good, but it might just do some good and keep him in there. It will obviously tick her father off if he sees the letter, and he will as it will become part of the record and his attorney will have access to it.

I’m not sure how dangerous her father would be toward her afterwards, so that should be considered as well. (head shaking here) Typical psychopathic manuver though, trying to get his kid that he has done nothing for, to plead with the judge to let her “loving, praying father” out of prison so he can be a “good dad” to her “again” (where is the PUKE MOTICON WHEN YOU NEED IT?) grrrrrr (that’s the sound of my teeth grinding!)


Can anyone say “gross manipulation and exploitation?” It’s criminal in itself.

Here’s what I read:

I am going to say I love you and I want to appear empathetic to your feelings about me being incarcerated and I am displaying concern for you because I need you for something. Pity me because I found God and I won’t violate your wishes by calling you unless you tell me it’s OK….. just feel sorry for me and get me the hell out of here.

Elizabeth Conley

That was one smarmy letter. I wonder if he wrote it “cold” or worked himself up into the proper emotional perspective first.

I say that because yesterday someone on this blog threw out the phrase “Perception is Reality”. It really got me to thinking about how I’d seen Ns and Ss more than half way convince themselves of their own veracity. It seemed in the case of the N as if whatever he wanted to be true, he pretended as if it already was. As for the S, he did seem to work himself into an emotional fever pitch before throwing his more memorable disingenuous rants.

It reminds me of “method acting”. The cluster B totally invests in his/her story. Assumes the emotions, develops a sophisticated schema to frame the lie, and lives as closely as possible to his/her “reality”.

That’s why the stories are so believable, at least until you’ve caught on to the pattern.

I’m willing to bet that as soon as the con father wrote that letter, he rewrote his relationship with his daughter. He will boil over with genuine pain and rage if she “betrays” her “loving father”. T

hat’s my guess.



Well said. I was the one who wrote about perception is reality. For exactly the reason you just wrote about. It’s also why I keep going back and forth with the Cluster B disorders. The XS truly believed his lies and I think he IS Borderline psychotic….not truly delusional. he doesn’t actually get dressed up like a Navy SEAL but I think he becomes the character he wants to portray….the method actor. And all the lies before after and in between are a frame or a cover up.

THis guy who wrote the letter is talking like “don’t worry about me, you will be OK, it’s all about you” but REALLY….it’s all about him. It’s that passive BS that draws all the attention to himself in a way that appeals to her guilt, good conscience and HER empathy to worry about him.


I think they lie to uphold their own image or to get what they want impulsively. Then the lies cover other lies because they aren’t thoughtful enough to plan and see the consequences or their lies and actions long term. It’s about an image of themselves that the THINK other people see, therefore it must be real. Maybe it was just the XS/P I dealt with but even now…..he is unemployed and told someone I know he is retired x military. He is full of crap. It’s not that he is ashamed or embarrassed about losing his job…. I think he just doesn’t like the appearance.

We DO see this stuff through normal eyes so what may seem like shame or embarrassment is not what they truly feel, the motivations are soley and extremely self centered. THAT lie is not about shame, it’s about arrogance (wanting to appear in an authoritative and respectful position) and failure to admit you were fired for poor performance. It’s not love they feel when they lay it on fast and hard…. it’s desparation to secure supply. And when they follow us or stalk us it’s not because they want contact in a positive way or miss us, they feel anger and loss of control, so they intimidate.

I wish I had seen through it all so easily and much earlier.

Elizabeth Conley

I sympathize Keeping Faith,

Next time I see this stuff in a person or organization, I’m gonna beat feet.

I wanted to respond to your post about “Perception is Reality”, but I had to think, then I got nailed by the flu. Now I can’t find it.

Any how, “Perception is Reality” reminds me of the shenanigans I’ve seen in narcissistic organizations. They come up with some new party line, or talking point, and the rank and file act like it’s a “new truth”. New truth is superior to old truth, and if you can reconcile the inevitable cognitive dissonance, you’re a better woman than I am. That sort of group think gives me a thumping headache.

Elizabeth Conley

Chuckle – gonna drift back to sleep now. I gotta get up hookin’ and jabbin’ tomorrow morning. Today’s the only recoup time I get. I’m grateful; don’t get me wrong. I just need to make the most of it. Down time is a precious gift.

Ox Drover

I am with Dr. Leedom on this one, I am sooooooo glad this little girl sees through the BS to what her father is really doing. She is wise beyond her years and IS A GEM!

My P son “found God” in prison too, and can quote Bible at the drop of a hat (from me taking him to Church 2-3 times a week his entire life at home) and he has studied various philosophies so that he can quote an “appropriate” philosophical thought or Bible quote for just about any occasion. He is really quite good about it, until you “catch on” and I think Gem’s father is just not quite as slick with his as my son was/is until I finally DID catch on. Her comment about “he never talked like this when he wasn’t in prison” is her seeing through the FOG he is spewing out like a piece of dry ice in water! Fortunately she has the “X-ray” vision to see through it all. WHAT A FORTUNATE YOUNG WOMAN SHE IS in spite of the fact she had a father like that.

I have taken off my “rose colored” glasses and put on a pair of “x-ray vision glasses” too–but I wonder what my life would have been like if I had done that 40 years sooner?


My N took me to the historic church where he had framed the stained glass at the alter, making sure to point out the signage in the parking lot which he had also made…
He never attended church, not once in the last 2 1/2 years.
His “look at me! I’m a God fearing Christian” thing was all just part of the game. He loved to talk about how he did work for the church.

I’m surprised the church didn’t spontaneously combust when he walked in!


The XS/P grew up without religion of any kind. When we met he initially went to church with me all the time and told me that I “saved him” but he could not define what that meant. Then he started referring to the gym as his temple and would not go to church. While he was stalking and harrassing me he used to call and say “I’m going to pray for you” or “I trust n God to know the truth and to make it right”….. well so do I buddy ! and fate and karma and everything else you have working against you !

Elizabeth Conley

Psychopaths are better able to succeed in getting early release than non psychopathic criminals.

Not good news for Ox Drover or Gem, but relevant enough I thought I’d post it.

Ox Drover

Well, I ust had a conversation with the Trojan Horse’s parole officer and the parole officer’s supervisor.

Seems that the TH-P CALLED MY MOTHER after his release wanting to know if she had “forgiven him” and telling her that he was going to be “homeless” in a couple of weeks and wanting to know if she would loan him some money. Then he wanted to know if she had anything of his left and she said she only had a few photographs from his childhood and had thrown everything else away. He wanted to know if he could come get it and she said No, but she did let some little old 70 year old man from some church where the TH-P is now attending, and I am sure getting new victims for his cons, come get the stuff. I didn’t know about this until today when I had to send son D over to Mom’s to take some business papers that I needed mom to sign.

Sheesh! I called the parole officer and spoke to him, but he didn’t even KNOW there was a restraining order in the papers, so I ended up talking to his (female) supervisor who was more empathetic to my plea and my “crazy story” (I also told her she could contact the sheriff of my county for verification that I was not some “paranoid nut case” if she wanted verification.) I assured her that the Parole board had tried some illegal stuff in the past UNTIL I HAD THREATENED TO GO TO THE MEDIA AND THE GOVERNOR and that I was more than a little frustrated. I also quoted several of Dr. Anna Salter’s books on child molesters. I asked the supervisor if she had ever known ONE CHILD MOLESTER who had not reoffended, and she hesitated a moment and said “Well, no.”

I said, “well, you can BET YOUR LIFE he will reoffend.” She ended the conversation by saying that they would keep a closer eye on him.

I feel so sorry for those people in that church—the P’s happy hunting grounds! He knows how to “repent” and make you believe it….it literally makes me sick to my stomach, but I need to get over it.

Even the indirect “contact” with him and/or mother throws me in to the abyss of the “shot at and missed, chit-at and hit” feeling in the pit of my stomach. Took a little detour off the road to Healing there and hit a pot hole!

Thanks for the link, Elizabeth. I don’t doubt that they finagle their ways out of prison sooner than your average “con” but fortunately, my P-son and the TH-P have such lack of impulse control they have been nailed repeatedly for repeat crimes and breaking the rules of the prison. The last term the TH-P served in Texas, he didn’t get parole at all–they held him to the last day legally possible. So when he did get out he wasn’t on parole at all.


I’m so sorry, OxD. We can only hope he screws up and ends up back in prison. It is so unfair that these people are set free. My P also returned. He is back on the reptile site. He made a grand introduction, saying he has gone through some hard times but everything is fine now (translation–the army probably did nothing to punish him). Life is really unfair sometimes. I now have to leave the site and all my friends there behind. Life is really unfair. But we will all get through this.


Ox-D: I am thinking of you tonight. I know — we think it’s behind us, and then . . . something new. I am so sorry to hear this.

Stay strong, so you can be ready to take any measures possible when the opportunities arise.

Did you use the skillet on the supervisor?


Wait, I think this calls for a baseball bat from the LF armory.


All I can is Gen is OMG…..

Yes, it very nice when we can see thru these tactics and know them for what they really are…

Ox Drover


No, but I used the skillet on the PO, and then talked to his supervisor….she at least pretended to have empathy. I’m not sure if she did or not,, but at least she was respectful and listened and said that they would keep a closer eye on him. I think the question I asked her about “Have you EVER seen a child molester that did NOT reoffend?” and she had to answer “NO” I think that made her think about what the Trojan Horse was and not just that she was dealing with a cranky old woman trying to cause trouble for her and her office.

She knows enough to KNOW that child molesters ALWAYS REOFFEND. That is a given, well known to everyone who has to deal with them. There IS NO CURE for them, because they are all psychopaths. NO ONE except a psychopath would be a child molester. Psychopaths have no cure, so it is obvious that they WILL reoffend. It is just a matter of catching them. I DID let the supervisor know, too, that if he offends again, that I will be on the 6 O’clock news along with a copy of the letter I sent them about what I knew about him, so it is in their best interest to know that I am a cranky old witch that will bring a BRIGHT LIGHT TO SHINE ON ANY LACK OF OVERSITE of this particular parolee who IS DANGEROUS. They ahve been warned and it behooves them to take that warning SERIOUSLY and to monitor him carefully.

Of course, it saddens me that he has this whole entire little church of kind and caring new victims that he is playing off of. But, there is nothing I can do about that. He is probably living with one of the church members, or they are giving him money or all of the above, and sooner or later he will take advantage of one of them and move on, or get caught abusing someone’s child or grandchild. I just hope he goes back to prison before he does too much more damage, but I do not doubt that he will do damage.

I can only LAUGH about him trying to borrow money from my mother! (head shaking here) Talk about BALLS!!!!

I’m even not very worried about HIM coming back here because he knows that my son D and I are ARMED and would not hesitate to protect ourselves…plus, he isn’t really sure where we are. I am more concerned about the NEXT Trojan Horse or stalker that my son sends after us and I won’t know who it is. Needless to say though, in our small community strangers do stick out and strangers are not well received here until we find out who they are.

Yesterday was kind of a stressful day, just even thinking about mom and the Trojan HOrse, but over all I am doing so much better and not living in CONTINUAL STRESS that I am building up some RESERVES to cope with it when I do have some stress.

I got on another site and took a “quiz” that Sandra Brown had put a link to about adrenaline overload and stress over load and I “Passed with flying colors” (passed, in a test you want to “fail” LOL) BUT the good part was it was a “past” and a “now” test and I am doingi much much MUCH better in the NOW than I was doing in the past. So I am improving, and I am noticing that when I do get a stress-jolt, the effects don’t last as long because my body’s stress mechanisms are not all TIRED OUT AND OVERLOADED. My body CAN respond appropriately.



I can imagine the stress of all this. You seem to be so strong and you seem to handle it all well. Your behavior and responses to the P are a good example for all of us. Considering it is your son, I can’t imagine how much more difficult the whole thing must have been for you. Protect yourself. i know that you know this !

Ox Drover

Dear KF,

YOu know the fact that it was my “son” at first may have given me more stress, but at the same time, I have also lost a “romantic” relationship that I valued too, and it hurt like hell, so I am not sure that any ONE TYPE of “loss” is really any more painful than the other, as Dr. Frankl said in his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” ALL pain is like a gas, it totally fills the “container” in which it is held, so one pain=another pain I think. It totally consumes us no matter what the type of “love” we lost.

As for my “son”–he isn’t my son any more, my “son” is dead and gone, buried….that cute little boy about age 10 with the freckles and such a great kid…he is gone. The “Man” who was the recepient of his “organs” is NOT my son, any more than if your son died and you donated his organs to someone who was a criminal that the criminal, even though he had your sons organs would be your son.

My older son, C, is a man now, 39, and he isn’t “my baby boy” any more either, he is a man and my “baby” is gone forever. But the difference in the P-son and my son C is that my son C WAS my “baby” and still is my “son”—if that makes any sense. I honestly think I am done with the grief process of losing my P-son, and have come to acceptence, just as I have come to acceptence with the losss of my late husband and the loss of my beloved stepfather. I can think about them, even cry sentimental tears when thinking about them, but no more gut-wrentching sadness but remembering the fun times we had together, even the tough times. It is a good feeling to think about them, not a painful one. It isn’t stressful to think about them any more.

I realize I still have some work to do on my feelings about mom, and that NC is very very important. I am just so glad that my son D can deal with going over to take papers for her to sign once in a while, but I CAN tell that it is stressful for him, he doesn’t enjoy it by any means but he is willing to do it once in a while.

I can tell that my first cousin who is mom’s power of attorney now (he is the son of Uncle Monster) copes by “pretending none of this happened, let’s all play nice now” and he is very very uncomfortable by the NC that son C and I have with mom. “HOw can you fix it if you won’t talk?” Well, to us, it is obvious that talking didn’t do any good and we are not willing to play “let’s pretend” any more.

He is not ready/willing/able to FACE THE TRUTH of his own upbringing so our going NC is a REMINDER to him that there is “something rotten in Denmark” and he does NOT want to face it, especially not with my mother.

I had hoped that when he moved back here that I could have a closer relationship with him and his sisters, but I realize that is not going to happen. Our getting healthy is a THREAT to his “pretending” as a coping mechanism.

The collateral “damage” that happens in families when one member (or more) quit “playing” by the “family rules” and starts to try to get healthy and not engage in the dysfunctional coping is a “threat” to the rest of the family’s “stabliity” and it is MORE IMPORTANT TO KEEP THE STATUS QUO than anything because even though it may be painful to face the facts, it is MORE PAINFUL to not be secure in “knowing the rules.” Knowing what to expect.

Someone told me once that the most SECURE person in the world, who knows exactly what is going to happen to them and when, is the person on death row who knows there is no appeal from his sentence. He knows exactly how his day will go every day until the day h e dies and he knows exactly how that day will go and when. He has no insecurities, because he KNOWS THE FUTURE ABSOLUTELY.

None of us know the future, or what it will bring. We don’t know when we will get sick, or how, or when we will die or how, or when a tornado will blow our house away, or when we will lose our jobs, etc. we have NO “security” that we even have a tomorrow. Yet, we have FREEDOM, and freedom to make choices IS INSECURITY because we dont’ know how those choices will effect us. But, I wouldn’t choose to change places with that individual who has no choices, who has no freedoms and I don’t think many people would.

In our past relationships we felt we had no choices, we had to endure what the Ps dished out…but we have learned, WE HAVE CHOICES, WE HAVE THE CHOICES to make for ourselves and our lives, and we also get the consequences of those choices. But that is LIFE AND THAT IS FREEDOM, AND IT BEATS THE H ECK OUT OF BEING IN A CELL WITH THE PSYCHOPATHS AS OUR JAILERS.



Afternoon, All:

I’ve just learned the most amazing thing. Did you know that in Dubain they actually have DEBTORS PRISONS?

About six months ago, a company was interested in hiring me to go work in Dubai. S seemed really hepped at the idea and thought he could make some serious coin there. Before I could pursue it, Dubain’s economy started tanking.

My only regret in not taking that job was that maybe S would have followed me. And maybe S would have racked up some bills. And maybe S would now be in debtors prison.

A guy can dream, can’t he?



It all makes sense. Your analogies are always good and interesting too. Someone had written on this site that we are here for support and to learn, therefore we are not S/P’s we are not in denial. We came looking for help and answers. When you survive the horrible things that you and many others have, it’s devastating. My story is mild compared to most, yet no less hurtful.

You have endured a lot with the loss of a son and I did realize you had a romantic relationship with another P. yet most of your posts are about your son(s). It’s hard to face the truth but I see now how we can all be in denial sometimes so as to not face it. I did sned the letter to the x wife of the xS. It was a very nice note, basically saying that I wanted her to have my number if she felt she neded someone else who knows the truth, to help each other to find closure or to heal, that I wished we had reached out sooner and that I have an understanding now that I know more, of what she must have endured and that we don’t know each other and what we think we knew i am certain is incorrect because his interpretation of things was never truthful. She responded back and said she has found peace through the help of her family and friends and she wished the same for me.

I feel OK because I didn’t divulge anything that she may not know. I am confident that she doesn’t know half of what I do or should I say she doesn’t have the proof. I think she too, doesnt’ want to face it and so it’s easier to disregrd what may be left hanging out there. i guess that’s her perogative. She had to see much of the bad behavior and I’m sure she suspected the infidelity. He wasn’t smart enough to cover it up and the lies were too bizarre. In any event……

I go back to one of our discussions about vengence vs justice…… I realize after I sent her the note that I DID want to hurt him by telling her all that I know. I think I have to settle for the fact that as long as he lives 12 miles from me, I have more power with the truth at my hands. And it is meaningless now anyway.

It’s odd, I have noticed, how families change and the dynamic changes with either death or some kind of destruction. I used to wish I came from a famous, wealthy family…..but don’t they have their shit going on too???? LOL I have no doubt oxy that you are doing the right things. And now you are protecting yoruself and those who are protecting you. It’s necessary.

Sorry for being so random. I’m working at home with intermittent conference calls all day. The extravert in me is dying to express myself with someone!!! Thanks for being there.



One other thing too. About choices as you mentioned……. someone recently accused me of running away from the S because I am going to PA for that interview. I simply told them that I have nothing keeping me here. At a time when the market and economy struggle and someone presents a better job opportunity I will look at all options. And I do feel, like you, that when you have choices to change things, it’s a beautiful thing. In reality, the bonus, if I am offered that job, is the fact that he will not be close. I can’t run away because the damage left is a mental scar that goes with me but I don’t have to be riminded of it everyday, everywhere I go…….

Then this person accused me of being selfish because my daughter will be a sr in HS next year. I told him that is a choice she has and a decision we will make together. “Is there an underlying assumption that this is a bad thing? Or is there some reason you don’t want to see me do well?” I have totally lost patience with being nice to people who are so closed minded.

I still have choices and I’m happy about that.


I am fantasizing about my ex again. Like I want to contact him.
I am really scared right now. Why do i feel life is not worth liviing without him? The man I loved– not the crazy one at the end. It is all to confusing.
do not think i will survive this.
I have thought of doing something sneaky– to contact him– like make another email address and pretend i am a freind of Meg, blah, blah.
this isnot god you guys.
I miss him so much and i can’t stop thinking today– what i could have done to change it. I will reread all of your wonderful posts to m.
yeah– hehad an evil fam– and I threatened to uncover his bro with a tape recorder in his pocket in th hospital room– but if I had just kept my mouth shut? i could still be with the good guy– before he hated me b/c of my threat–
oh it all makes no sense. i truly wish Jesus Christ– the master of TRuth would appear and tell me what the truth of it all was!!!
sorry for sounding so crazy–I was not like this before the S– or whatever h is.

Ox Drover

Dear Meg,

As wini would say, “breathe, breathe, breathe!”

It is a FEELING, and feelings will pass. You KNOW THE TRUTH. You KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT. You KNOW you are not the cause of him being the bad guy—your opening your mouth did not cause him to be the bad guy. You opened your mouth cause you were hurting. You were hurting cause he was a bad guy.

Breathe, breathe, breathe! ((((hugs)))))


I have had nc since Oct. 3

Ox Drover

Dear KF,

These people who are “JUDGING” you—for moving while your kid is in her “senior year” of HS?????—are not worth even listening to. They are NOT in your shoes, and they do NOT have a right to tell you what is RIGHT FOR YOU or your daughter. DO TAKE WHATEVER OPPORTUNITY OFFERS ITSELF and to heck with those A$$es. They are NOT your friends, they are your critics.

What is right for you and your daughter is YOUR CHOICE and not theirs to citicize in any way. What jerks!

I do hope you get that job, but if you do, take it if it is your choice and don’t worry about your kid moving in her senior year. Five years down the road that won’t make a hill of beans, two years down the road that won’t make a hill of beans. You having a fresh start and a better job wins in my opinion 100 to 1 over staying there and missing a good chance for a better job and h er finishing her senior year there at that school. Who knows, she might like the new school better. Just tell that jerk to shut up! ((((hugs))))


OcDrover–I am balling. Thank you so much.
i was hurting b/c he was the bad guy– you are right.

I feel like I will never, ever be happy again.
The person he was b4 the discard was soo sweet and loving and affectionate and a good dad to his five year old.
and so attractive and funny. and talented in photography. Ya’ll should see his website. It sickens me that I am all over it– my photos– I never gave him that permission. do not have money for lawyers.
I feel hopeless. HOpeless. The man I love is gone. Within one minute he was gone! Like I stepped on a landmine. Poof. and my world has been destroyed. and he inherited 3 million bucks the same day he discarded me– where is God in that?
Oxy– Itruly loved the man he was. Before the discard. My acid reflux is out of control today. even with Prilosec and Maalox.


Dear Meg: NC since October? You go girl!!! I know how you feel. It’s only been about five weeks of NC for me and it’s still a roller coaster ride. I don’t know from one day to the next how I’m going to feel. I vacillate between tears and extreme anger. I so want to talk to him, but then I remember how things happened; all the lies to me while he had already moved on to his next victim. You have the power in NC…hang in there and pray through it.


thanks swehrili and oxy-
this is the worst?

rollercoaster? I felt fine yesterday.
today I want to roll p and die. Most literally.


akitameg, I am so sorry you are hurting today. I remember being in that same place. so please remember there is hope. you just helped me to realize that there is life after the S. he isn’t gone. honey, he didn’t exist. all the good things we experienced will happen again when our minds and hearts are free and the guy will be healthy and not abusive.

you will love and be loved again because you can. he can’t and won’t and the same pattern will repeat itself for him. it didn’t have much to do with me or you. we simply outlived our usefulness.

big hug to you. the guy you loved is out there. you just haven’t met him yet.


thanks oxy !! you rock !!

Ox Drover

DEar Meg,

Baby, it WILL GET BETTER, I PROMISE YOU!!!!! I can definitely speak for myself but I bettya I can also speak for most of us here, I laid on the floor in the fetal position and cried and sobbed usntil I had no tears left, I choked on my own spit and coughed and sobbed and felt like my world had ended when I realized my mother had lied to me, and when she looked at me like the “Charlie Manson look” it took my soul away. I had never hurt like that before. I thought I would DIE from it. My life had ended, I had to leave my home, my husband was dead, my stepdad was dead, my son C and that witch he were married to were against me, and only my son D believed me. Sugar, I have been o n the floor in agony, but I am alive now, I am glad and I am healing. You are too, it is just that right now you are like a patient after surgery to remove a huge cancer from your heart, you are in pain, PAIN. bUT THE CANCER IS GONE, AND YOU WILL START TO HEAL AND FEEL BETTER NOW, TO GET BETTER, BUT IT HURTS. I know it hurts, and I would hold you in my harms and let you sob if I could reach through this darned screen and hold you, so you will have to settle for a cyberhug! and my prayers! ((((((HUG))))))


Oxy– thank you for your honestly and vulnerability in sharing your story.

I justdo not understand why at times- I thik- ‘OH MY GOSH-It was me cuz I said or did this. Or did not do that.” He told me that was the case!!

you see– since they are so NOT human- our brains are trying to process incorrect algebra–

I need love and prayers guys.

I did treat myself to a small blizzard from DQ tonite with extra Butterfinger. Have not had one in years and it was wondeful.

Love you all!!! I really do.


Again– oxy– thank you. I accept that hug with gratitude.

Ox Drover

Dear Meg,

Ohhhhh, the blizzard sounds wonderful and a butterfinger would be nice—add another ten pounds to my ample butt! LOL Glad you treated yourself, you deserve it!!!! It WILL get better and the roller coaster ride will end, and the highs will get more steady and the lows will level out, so just hang in there. It takes some time and work, but in the end, we are stronger and better. TRUST THAT!!!!! ((((hugs))) and always prayers.


Sending hugs your way, Meg. Like OxD said, you WILL get through it. I have been there too. I still have PTSD when he pops into my life, but not because I miss him. It’s because I know how dangerous he is. You, too, will get past the point of missing him and it will get easier from there. Hang in there, and cry if you have to till there are no more tears left. Remember this is what he has put on you. He is no good.



If my dad was in prison, he would have no doubt wrote the same letter. It seems innocuous at first – like he really needs help. If you love him and the family, you’ll sacrifice yourself and your precious time to keep the family together (oh wait a second…that’ the guilt trip he’s been laying on you for years). Back to reality. Best thing, is NO answer. He’ll be knocking harder, longer, at a later time and his momma probably will enlist herself to continue his victim cries for help. Just IGNORE him, that’s the best approach. Help someone who doesn’t screw up other people’s lives. Sadly, confronting him will only mean you want to reason with an INSANE person. It’s truly pointless. Watch Jerry Springer, Oprah, or Dr. Phil if you want to see misery. Just try as you might to IGNORE your dad’s pathetic pleas for sympathy – cause if you don’t YOUR life becomes all about him and nothing about you.


It’s really very sad, when you want to be normal and love your family…but you got stuck with the destructive ones (Ox_Drover).

Unfortunately, we’re not so much in a better position than 20 yrs ago…Then people didn’t talk about their feelings like we do know. And now, our societal boundaries are so lax that outrageous behavior is beginning to feel normal. Listen to your conscience – if a RED FLAG party–is about to get underway – Try not to host it….Hang in there…


“would appreciate you writing a letter to the judge if you feel you can. I will ask ______ and _____ as well. You can get them to grandm (his mother) and she will take care of everything. We will get it to the judge and what happens after that is God’s will. Either way, thank you for being the best daugter in the world. Hang in there sweetie. God has great things in store for you.”

Did ever occur to him that he is saying me, me, me and oh yes, sweetie hang in there. Typical for an S. While in jail still trying to use the family to get out. He doesn’t seem to have accepted responsibility for his actions and is concentrating on what others can do for him.

Ox Drover


When I was working as a nurse practitioner for an orthopaedic physician, I had the FATHER of one of our patients come in and ask me to write a letter to the judge. His son, our patient, was going to jail for his 5th driving while drunk charge and the father wanted me to write a letter to the judge saying that his son’s back couldn’t stand to lie on the hard prison beds. (this elderly man was pitiful, but I had no pity for his son) My grandfather and two of my best friends were KILLED by DRUNK DRIVERS. I told the old man, “Of course I will write a letter to the judge about your son’s medicall condition” (I mailed it directly to the judge)

I wrote in the letter that there was NO MEDICAL REASON HE COULD NOT GO TO JAIL. (which was true) and got it co-signed by my physician. Did I tell you I think drunk drivers should be crucified, their bodies left hanging for the crows, for FIRST OFFENSE! LOL

I think Gem SHOULD write a letter to the judge, but not the one that “Daddy dearest” would want, but the TRUTH and send it directly to the judge.

Gem, my son is in prison for murder (and my P-biological father should have been, I KNOW of two people he killed and he claimed more) my son begged for “help” and claimed he was “sorry” and wasn’t “llike that” any more—then he tried to have me killed. In MY opinion there is no such thing as an EX-convict, and I thiink your father is unfortunately one such individual, just like my son.

My son comes up for parole in Jan 2011, and I will be at the parole hearing, TO PLEAD WITH THEM NEVER TO LET HIM OUT. If my son gets out I will have to go into hiding for the rest of my life. Whether you write the judge and tell the truth or ignore your father is your decision, but think carefully befosre you do either. ONLY YOU know how he will be provoked or become dangerous if you cross him. Good luck, young lady, I think you are a SMART COOKIE!

Dear Kathy,
Such a comforting and validating article – I have been in all those stages – sometimes all at once. I have to say I laughed out loud because, I did actually spit in his eye finally, at one of the vile things he said to me.The metaphor became physical… It might not be polite or appropriate behaviour, but by God, I am still glad I did it. It was my wake up call that I was being dragged down to his squalid mental space – the emotional functioning of a three year old in an adult body. Scary now but I am out. Gone. Free. ( Well, getting there.)


I am still in the angry phase. I am still thinking of ways to get revenge so I am definitely not over the anger.
I spoke to one of his “other women” last week when she called the office for him. I asked her directly if they are just friends or more. She said that they have been in a relationship for years without a break. This is the same godson’s mother that he says he treats like a sister. Right!!!
I guess anger at being duped is part of it. The P plays the part so well. Rationalizing everything including having multiple partners and using all of them for money, sex, etc. Mine has an explanation for everything.


I am inspired by this young lady sharing her fathers letter from prison. The way I read the letter is: ” If you don’t bail me out of this situation it will be the worse for you. You can see how desperate I am to get out of here by having to write to you at all. If you give the judge the letter there will be a pay off later.” (We all know there won’t be, but what we don’t know is how low this psychopath will stoop when her letter appears as evidence. Best not to risk sending it to the judge. She might be killed.

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