I just received this from Gem (see Realities only family members know) so I thought I would pass it along. You can see how wise a resilient young lady can be and what it takes to cope with a sociopath father.
I just received a new letter from my dad, I thought I would share it with you… and you are welcome to use anything from this letter for blogging purposes or anything else.
” Dear _______(My sweetheart),
How are you G- Boy do I miss you! How is your big senior year going. Hang in there you are almost there. I want to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day. You are, and always will be my sweetheart. I love you. I pray for you daily, never missed a day since September 5th. Hang in there, trust God- He will be your strength I have a hearing coming up soon for a reconsideration on my sentence. I would appreciate you writing a letter to the judge if you feel you can. I will ask ______ and _____ as well. You can get them to grandm (his mother) and she will take care of everything. We will get it to the judge and what happens after that is God’s will. Either way, thank you for being the best daugter in the world. Hang in there sweetie. God has great things in store for you. I want you to know I can call you but only do so if you let me know it’s ok with you. Please take care of yourself. I love you, I miss you and I pray for you constantly.
Dad”
Gem said-
I rolled my eyes at a few parts like when he calls me his sweetheart. Or when he prays for me daily… ugh. He NEVER talked to me like this outside of prison. I’m thinking about writing a letter to the judge and saying… he NEEDS to stay in prison!! What do you think???
I replied-
I think their tactics get old and more obvious the older they get. As I started to read the letter, I thought, “I wonder what he wants?” Then my question was answered. It is empowering when you know the tricks don’t work on you any more.
Anyone else wanting to write a letter on behalf of Gem’s father can send it to me!
Dear KF,
YOu know the fact that it was my “son” at first may have given me more stress, but at the same time, I have also lost a “romantic” relationship that I valued too, and it hurt like hell, so I am not sure that any ONE TYPE of “loss” is really any more painful than the other, as Dr. Frankl said in his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” ALL pain is like a gas, it totally fills the “container” in which it is held, so one pain=another pain I think. It totally consumes us no matter what the type of “love” we lost.
As for my “son”–he isn’t my son any more, my “son” is dead and gone, buried….that cute little boy about age 10 with the freckles and such a great kid…he is gone. The “Man” who was the recepient of his “organs” is NOT my son, any more than if your son died and you donated his organs to someone who was a criminal that the criminal, even though he had your sons organs would be your son.
My older son, C, is a man now, 39, and he isn’t “my baby boy” any more either, he is a man and my “baby” is gone forever. But the difference in the P-son and my son C is that my son C WAS my “baby” and still is my “son”—if that makes any sense. I honestly think I am done with the grief process of losing my P-son, and have come to acceptence, just as I have come to acceptence with the losss of my late husband and the loss of my beloved stepfather. I can think about them, even cry sentimental tears when thinking about them, but no more gut-wrentching sadness but remembering the fun times we had together, even the tough times. It is a good feeling to think about them, not a painful one. It isn’t stressful to think about them any more.
I realize I still have some work to do on my feelings about mom, and that NC is very very important. I am just so glad that my son D can deal with going over to take papers for her to sign once in a while, but I CAN tell that it is stressful for him, he doesn’t enjoy it by any means but he is willing to do it once in a while.
I can tell that my first cousin who is mom’s power of attorney now (he is the son of Uncle Monster) copes by “pretending none of this happened, let’s all play nice now” and he is very very uncomfortable by the NC that son C and I have with mom. “HOw can you fix it if you won’t talk?” Well, to us, it is obvious that talking didn’t do any good and we are not willing to play “let’s pretend” any more.
He is not ready/willing/able to FACE THE TRUTH of his own upbringing so our going NC is a REMINDER to him that there is “something rotten in Denmark” and he does NOT want to face it, especially not with my mother.
I had hoped that when he moved back here that I could have a closer relationship with him and his sisters, but I realize that is not going to happen. Our getting healthy is a THREAT to his “pretending” as a coping mechanism.
The collateral “damage” that happens in families when one member (or more) quit “playing” by the “family rules” and starts to try to get healthy and not engage in the dysfunctional coping is a “threat” to the rest of the family’s “stabliity” and it is MORE IMPORTANT TO KEEP THE STATUS QUO than anything because even though it may be painful to face the facts, it is MORE PAINFUL to not be secure in “knowing the rules.” Knowing what to expect.
Someone told me once that the most SECURE person in the world, who knows exactly what is going to happen to them and when, is the person on death row who knows there is no appeal from his sentence. He knows exactly how his day will go every day until the day h e dies and he knows exactly how that day will go and when. He has no insecurities, because he KNOWS THE FUTURE ABSOLUTELY.
None of us know the future, or what it will bring. We don’t know when we will get sick, or how, or when we will die or how, or when a tornado will blow our house away, or when we will lose our jobs, etc. we have NO “security” that we even have a tomorrow. Yet, we have FREEDOM, and freedom to make choices IS INSECURITY because we dont’ know how those choices will effect us. But, I wouldn’t choose to change places with that individual who has no choices, who has no freedoms and I don’t think many people would.
In our past relationships we felt we had no choices, we had to endure what the Ps dished out…but we have learned, WE HAVE CHOICES, WE HAVE THE CHOICES to make for ourselves and our lives, and we also get the consequences of those choices. But that is LIFE AND THAT IS FREEDOM, AND IT BEATS THE H ECK OUT OF BEING IN A CELL WITH THE PSYCHOPATHS AS OUR JAILERS.
TOWANDA!!!!
Afternoon, All:
I’ve just learned the most amazing thing. Did you know that in Dubain they actually have DEBTORS PRISONS?
About six months ago, a company was interested in hiring me to go work in Dubai. S seemed really hepped at the idea and thought he could make some serious coin there. Before I could pursue it, Dubain’s economy started tanking.
My only regret in not taking that job was that maybe S would have followed me. And maybe S would have racked up some bills. And maybe S would now be in debtors prison.
A guy can dream, can’t he?
Oxy,
It all makes sense. Your analogies are always good and interesting too. Someone had written on this site that we are here for support and to learn, therefore we are not S/P’s we are not in denial. We came looking for help and answers. When you survive the horrible things that you and many others have, it’s devastating. My story is mild compared to most, yet no less hurtful.
You have endured a lot with the loss of a son and I did realize you had a romantic relationship with another P. yet most of your posts are about your son(s). It’s hard to face the truth but I see now how we can all be in denial sometimes so as to not face it. I did sned the letter to the x wife of the xS. It was a very nice note, basically saying that I wanted her to have my number if she felt she neded someone else who knows the truth, to help each other to find closure or to heal, that I wished we had reached out sooner and that I have an understanding now that I know more, of what she must have endured and that we don’t know each other and what we think we knew i am certain is incorrect because his interpretation of things was never truthful. She responded back and said she has found peace through the help of her family and friends and she wished the same for me.
I feel OK because I didn’t divulge anything that she may not know. I am confident that she doesn’t know half of what I do or should I say she doesn’t have the proof. I think she too, doesnt’ want to face it and so it’s easier to disregrd what may be left hanging out there. i guess that’s her perogative. She had to see much of the bad behavior and I’m sure she suspected the infidelity. He wasn’t smart enough to cover it up and the lies were too bizarre. In any event……
I go back to one of our discussions about vengence vs justice…… I realize after I sent her the note that I DID want to hurt him by telling her all that I know. I think I have to settle for the fact that as long as he lives 12 miles from me, I have more power with the truth at my hands. And it is meaningless now anyway.
It’s odd, I have noticed, how families change and the dynamic changes with either death or some kind of destruction. I used to wish I came from a famous, wealthy family…..but don’t they have their shit going on too???? LOL I have no doubt oxy that you are doing the right things. And now you are protecting yoruself and those who are protecting you. It’s necessary.
Sorry for being so random. I’m working at home with intermittent conference calls all day. The extravert in me is dying to express myself with someone!!! Thanks for being there.
Oxy,
One other thing too. About choices as you mentioned……. someone recently accused me of running away from the S because I am going to PA for that interview. I simply told them that I have nothing keeping me here. At a time when the market and economy struggle and someone presents a better job opportunity I will look at all options. And I do feel, like you, that when you have choices to change things, it’s a beautiful thing. In reality, the bonus, if I am offered that job, is the fact that he will not be close. I can’t run away because the damage left is a mental scar that goes with me but I don’t have to be riminded of it everyday, everywhere I go…….
Then this person accused me of being selfish because my daughter will be a sr in HS next year. I told him that is a choice she has and a decision we will make together. “Is there an underlying assumption that this is a bad thing? Or is there some reason you don’t want to see me do well?” I have totally lost patience with being nice to people who are so closed minded.
I still have choices and I’m happy about that.
Help–
I am fantasizing about my ex again. Like I want to contact him.
I am really scared right now. Why do i feel life is not worth liviing without him? The man I loved– not the crazy one at the end. It is all to confusing.
do not think i will survive this.
I have thought of doing something sneaky– to contact him– like make another email address and pretend i am a freind of Meg, blah, blah.
this isnot god you guys.
I miss him so much and i can’t stop thinking today– what i could have done to change it. I will reread all of your wonderful posts to m.
yeah– hehad an evil fam– and I threatened to uncover his bro with a tape recorder in his pocket in th hospital room– but if I had just kept my mouth shut? i could still be with the good guy– before he hated me b/c of my threat–
oh it all makes no sense. i truly wish Jesus Christ– the master of TRuth would appear and tell me what the truth of it all was!!!
sorry for sounding so crazy–I was not like this before the S– or whatever h is.
Dear Meg,
As wini would say, “breathe, breathe, breathe!”
It is a FEELING, and feelings will pass. You KNOW THE TRUTH. You KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT. You KNOW you are not the cause of him being the bad guy—your opening your mouth did not cause him to be the bad guy. You opened your mouth cause you were hurting. You were hurting cause he was a bad guy.
Breathe, breathe, breathe! ((((hugs)))))
I have had nc since Oct. 3
Dear KF,
These people who are “JUDGING” you—for moving while your kid is in her “senior year” of HS?????—are not worth even listening to. They are NOT in your shoes, and they do NOT have a right to tell you what is RIGHT FOR YOU or your daughter. DO TAKE WHATEVER OPPORTUNITY OFFERS ITSELF and to heck with those A$$es. They are NOT your friends, they are your critics.
What is right for you and your daughter is YOUR CHOICE and not theirs to citicize in any way. What jerks!
I do hope you get that job, but if you do, take it if it is your choice and don’t worry about your kid moving in her senior year. Five years down the road that won’t make a hill of beans, two years down the road that won’t make a hill of beans. You having a fresh start and a better job wins in my opinion 100 to 1 over staying there and missing a good chance for a better job and h er finishing her senior year there at that school. Who knows, she might like the new school better. Just tell that jerk to shut up! ((((hugs))))
OcDrover–I am balling. Thank you so much.
i was hurting b/c he was the bad guy– you are right.
I feel like I will never, ever be happy again.
The person he was b4 the discard was soo sweet and loving and affectionate and a good dad to his five year old.
and so attractive and funny. and talented in photography. Ya’ll should see his website. It sickens me that I am all over it– my photos– I never gave him that permission. do not have money for lawyers.
I feel hopeless. HOpeless. The man I love is gone. Within one minute he was gone! Like I stepped on a landmine. Poof. and my world has been destroyed. and he inherited 3 million bucks the same day he discarded me– where is God in that?
Oxy– Itruly loved the man he was. Before the discard. My acid reflux is out of control today. even with Prilosec and Maalox.
Dear Meg: NC since October? You go girl!!! I know how you feel. It’s only been about five weeks of NC for me and it’s still a roller coaster ride. I don’t know from one day to the next how I’m going to feel. I vacillate between tears and extreme anger. I so want to talk to him, but then I remember how things happened; all the lies to me while he had already moved on to his next victim. You have the power in NC…hang in there and pray through it.