In the aftermath of an encounter with a sociopath, it is easy to get stuck in the “why.” Why did he/she do it? Why didn’t he love me? Why did she treat me so badly? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why? Why? Why?
In healing, it’s imperative to let go of why to focus on “what.” What can I do for myself today that will ease my aching heart? What can I do to heal? What do I need to do to reclaim my soul, my spirit, my essence? What steps can I take to lead me away from the horror and pain of yesterday to embracing myself in love today? What is important to me today? What will create more of what I want in my life rather than less? What next?
I will never know why he did what he did. I will never know what he was thinking, or feeling — and that’s okay. His thoughts and feelings will not change my life. His thoughts and feelings are not important to me today.
My thoughts, my feelings count. Asking why about him keeps me from focusing on me. And I deserve to let go of him so that I can get on with loving me.
To let go and get on with loving myself so that I can live my beautiful life, I must accept that there is no hope of a better past, no future in which the past will be a perfect reflection of my life today, no moment when the past will be anything other than what it is, events that have brought me to today. Events and happenings that strengthened me, even when I felt at my weakest. Even when I believed I could not go on.
This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made “better.” It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.
In the past I was a victim of a sociopath. And now I’m free.
How I live my life in freedom is up to me. Victor or Victim. My choice.
I choose Victor.
This post reminds me that I need to be strong. This has been a very difficult time for me. I feel very alone and betrayed by someone who I thought cared for me. I know that I am better off with out this person with sociopathic tendencies in my life, but for some reason I am still sad. I wonder if he ever thinks aobut me the way I continue to think about him. Our relationship only ended about two weeks ago so when I hear a song on the radio or a place we recently visited I can’t help but think of him…
I know I need to be strong and only focus on myself. A majority of his belongings are still in my apartment (because we used to live together). He still has to come and get them.
I think knowing that I will have another encounter/conversation with him is slowing my healing process. I can’t fully get over this knowing he will come back into my life at some point.
Any advice? Please help someone who is trying to stay strong.
Hi tough cookie,
I’m sorry to hear you have had an encounter of the sociopathic kind. they hurt.
My suggestion is to pack up everything that is his and if you have a storage cupboard or closet you can put it into — get it out of your sight. Have a friend phone him to arrange a time to pick up his stuff, and ensure your friend is there when he comes to get it.
as to thinking about him — every time thoughts of him come into your head, mentally tell yourself, “oh look, there’s a thought of him. Good-bye.” And then direct your thinking to what is healing and loving of you.
Silver Range Rover’s used to do it to me. And Andrea Bocelli and Celine Dion singing, The Prayer.
Now, the triggers have no pull. They are simply, a vehicle and a song. Everytime I saw a Range rover or heard that song I’d remind myself — that was then. this is now. And I am worth far more than he ever would or could have given me. He is the lie. The truth is in today.
And then, I’d move my thinking to what was loving and healing of me.
You are strong, Tough Cookie. You got a sociopath out of your life. If you can do that, you can do anything — including getting his stuff out of your home without having to see him.
Treat yourself with tender loving care, and do not waste time thinking about him. He’s not worth it.
Be bold. Be brave. Be your best self.
Louise
I am about to take my ex-husband, a sociopath, back to court. Although I have reams of evidence to support my claims, I know he has an arsenal of immediate lies. He moved out 4 years ago. I thought I had healed but still find his continued deceptions (both past and present) cause me to react with elevated blood pressure, insomnia, frustration, anxiety, and disbelief that he could possibly sink to lower depths than the records set earlier. I want MY power back. We have four children together which makes minimal contact necessary.
How can I get the court system to see the truth here? Sifting through the past papers for my attorney has brought all the pains to the surface AGAIN. I have excellent support from family and friends, but feel alone with this agony and a deep concern that he will twist the judge into his pocket again with evasions, egregious lies and finesse.
Any advice?
It was actually a relief to come here, read the case histories, and go Oh, so that’s why. Because the why, why, why’s were driving me crazy. Now I know he’s a sociopath, it’s almost like he’s dead, and I’m just being haunted occasonally by an annoying reoccuring ghost. I’m mourning the relationship, but not him any more. Reading the behavors, I saw everything he did. Luckily, we had no children, and he’s got a lot invested in his Mr. Nice Guy image, so I don’t rock the boat, he leaves me alone. I’m still hurting, but at least I know what I was up against and I’m not beating myself up as much, or trying to figure out why he is giving me money with one hand and stealing petty stuff with the other. I went out and got all my locks changed, and I will keep contact to a bare minmum, although that was my first instinct anway!
He took everything, my self respect, lied to my friends, my trust, my money, my health, and almost my life and sanity. I’m quickly heading for homelessness. But I am still alive, and so grateful that up to this point, he hasn’t caused any more problems. If possible, I plan to leave the area and he won’t know where I have gone.
It’s going to take awhile to heal, even longer to trust, if I ever do again. I realize I’m programmed to attract these people, male and female, and I’m working on that. But I AM starting to heal, and I have Lovefraud to thank for that.
I have my triggers too, it was a recent break up. I try to avoid the ones I can. Certain movies, I look at and think “later”. Because I’m not going to let him spoil them for me.
I thought he was the love of my life for 14 years. I was obsessed with him. He was always telling people (especially if they were getting suspicious, he knew somehow) how much he loved me and we were soulmates. While he cheated and drugged me.
Me? I choose victor. I just keep reminding myself, if I stay a victim, he wins. Can’t have that.
We are all victors as long as we successfully get rid of people like this from our lives. I know that for me just simiply having the relationship end (although I was extremely sadded) brought a lot of relief into my life. I no longer had to question whether I was being deceived by the perosn who I though loved me.
Unfortunately I still have some contact with this person. I can’t control what he does but I can control how I react to his attempts to get in contact with me. I can avoid his calls…
I have realized that if I do talk to him the hurt and emotions come flying back into my heart (this relationship ended less than a month ago so its fairly fresh!)
Sociopaths are always good at telling you what you want to hear.
Everyday I detest him more and more. He strings me along with his creative stories and claims all of his issues are what make him this way.
But I really think its a pity party for himself and a way to pass the balme.
Hi sbosky1
In my experience, when I had to deal with the sociopath in a legal forum, it was critical that I stay unattached to the outcome. I had to go into the process knowing that I had put together my information, crossed the t’s, turned up completely for me — and then let the process unfold. Inevitably, the sociopath did something that undermined his own position — simply through the very fact that he was lying and could not resist grandstanding in front of an audience.
You cannot predict the outcome — you can only take care of yourself, your children and know that you are doing what is right, just and supportive of you.
Go into the courtroom from a position of strength. Face your fears. Acknowledge them. Embrace them. And step into your power by accepting you have fears — but they do not control you.
Unfortunately, they have the uncanny ability to always sink to lower depths — they are not coming from strength, they are coming from weakness and their fear of exposure keeps them mired in their own lies.
Walk proudly, confidently into the courtroom, carry your truth with you and BREATHE.
Hi movingon,
Like you, when I first found an online forum that explained what had happened to me — I felt relief. The why of him was explained — and I could focus on me. On my healing, growth, and transformation from victim to victor.
It’s awesome that you’re focusing on healing you. On taking the steps you need to move into your beautiful life without him. You deserve a rich, creative and fulfilling life where you can be all that you are meant to be.
And so true — if you stay a victim, he wins. I applaud you on your courage. Thanks!
Great insights tough cookie!
When we share our strength, hope and experience we help everyone around us grow.
Like you, there were things in the beginning I knew I could not ‘touch’. I had to wait until I was further on my healing journey to be able to safely listen to certain songs, or watch certain movies. Now, there are few triggers in those. The triggers I uncover now have to do with my own insecurities, my fears, my trepidations. And everytime I uncover one — I grow and heal some more.
Thank you for sharing. Your strength is awesome.
Once I realized that my husband was a sociopath, thanks to Lovefraud, his sketchy,unexplained behaviors became oh so clear to me and my 3 children. To those of you who attempt to maintain contact, or are forced to by the court, you need to realize that doing so only damages you and especially, your children, who will be influenced by his behavior, ability to manipulate, and other sociopathic characteristics.
Luckily, I realized early on, when he abandoned our family, that he was not going to meet the normal, accepted standards for appropriate behavior with regard to how he would interact with me and our children. And if he could not do that, he could not have a place in our lives at all.
I have three successful, productive children today because of our refusal to interact with a sociopath.They recognize him for what he was, (and is today, preying on others) and realize the damage that he could have done, had they given him the “benefit of the doubt”. We are blessed to have had the insight and guts to cut off contact with him.
Don’t expect normal behavior from someone who is a sociopath just because they are a former husband and father. They do not feel the same things as normal people, and will not behave towards their family with the normal, expected standards of behavior in dealing with their “loved ones”. They are soiopaths.
I like this concept or victim or victor! My personal expression for the very same thing is: TRY TO TURN A DISADVANTAGE INTO AN ADVANTAGE!
My association to a sociopath is nearing an end, I have done nearly as much as I can legally to expose him and inconveince him by pressing charges on him for what I could. The only thing left is to serve him with civil court papers, he is in hiding, so this is hard to do. But I will have to find a way, it will be the last paper trail I can leave, to assist the next victim. In tracking this man down I have learned alot about the deceptions of criminals and psychopaths, I am trying to write a book on it, fiction based on fact. The general population does not find these sites until “after the fact”. But the general population will read a novel, it would give the average person a “heads up”, YEAH, these people exist and YEAH it could happen to you! If any thing, this endeavor is assisting with my creative writing skills! I think this is one example of “an advantage”!