In the aftermath of an encounter with a sociopath, it is easy to get stuck in the “why.” Why did he/she do it? Why didn’t he love me? Why did she treat me so badly? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why? Why? Why?
In healing, it’s imperative to let go of why to focus on “what.” What can I do for myself today that will ease my aching heart? What can I do to heal? What do I need to do to reclaim my soul, my spirit, my essence? What steps can I take to lead me away from the horror and pain of yesterday to embracing myself in love today? What is important to me today? What will create more of what I want in my life rather than less? What next?
I will never know why he did what he did. I will never know what he was thinking, or feeling — and that’s okay. His thoughts and feelings will not change my life. His thoughts and feelings are not important to me today.
My thoughts, my feelings count. Asking why about him keeps me from focusing on me. And I deserve to let go of him so that I can get on with loving me.
To let go and get on with loving myself so that I can live my beautiful life, I must accept that there is no hope of a better past, no future in which the past will be a perfect reflection of my life today, no moment when the past will be anything other than what it is, events that have brought me to today. Events and happenings that strengthened me, even when I felt at my weakest. Even when I believed I could not go on.
This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made “better.” It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.
In the past I was a victim of a sociopath. And now I’m free.
How I live my life in freedom is up to me. Victor or Victim. My choice.
I choose Victor.
mysticmud
Yep, me as well , a victim of a sociopath – a manipulative, uncaring, unempathetic man who swept me off my feet five years ago. Although I am still devastated by the end of the relationship (he would not come home for weeks on end, no contact, ignore me when he came home (and it was MY house), he also ignores his family and has no friends only colleagues -I am lucky. He paid my small mortgage off and (only!) left me with a large bill for a couple of sofas to pay (still at least I get to keep them!)
My advice would be – if you feel a relationship is “odd” in any way, READ READ READ all about personality types and sooner or later you may find a clue.This is how I found out IT WAS NOT ME who was strange or crazy.Also sell his stuff on Ebay, therapeutic!
mysticmud
As a follow on to the above, I am re-building my life with lots of new social contacts and find I have made many friends who seem to like me, so it CANT be me at fault. I think once a victim can see this, they can start to rebuild their self esteem, then their life. I still get bad days (four months on from the big “chuck out” ) and still need to get rid of his car (he said he would come and get it but wont answer my calls or texts), so that causes me hurt. I think victims can turn themselves into victors by not being hard on themselves, acknowledging they have been deeply hurt, then by doing small things to re-build (socialising, selling his stuff,confiding in others, then helping others with their problems etc etc) in time you heal.
hens
I have not read this thread before, funny how it just popped up. It’s been four month’s of learning who/what he is. I have to confront the future as a Victor not a Victim…
Ox Drover
Dear Henry,
Good for you, my arm was getting tired holding that darned cast iron skillet, trying to figure out how to get through the computer screen! (((Hugs))))) My friend, you are awesome, and you have done so well for the time you have been working on this recovery! A little old boo-boo can’t bring down Henry! Not for long!
Thanks for bringing up this threat, it was also one I had missed. I swore I had read every thread on this blog but I guess I have missed a few, found another one the other day.
Henry, we’ll change our names to “Victor” and “Victoria” how is that!?! (BIG HUGS)))
rperk6069
Oxy,….Threat????? or thread?
hens
thread threat victor victoria ok ok ok how about victorious? I went out tonite to the snake pit’s was nothing their but snakes…..
kat_o_nine_tales
Henry.. you must be like Conan as you enter the snakepit.. wear a smile, but carry a big f***ing sword!
hens
hey Kat yeah a sword and a can of raid….
mysticmud
Hi people, fellow survivors! (helps to say that!)
Feeling low today, but the only way is up! I have beautiful countryside and coast near me, (yes Essex UK has a lovely coast)how can I be miserable? Because he treated me like dog**it that why. So why am I letting it get me down? You people are so supportive, thanks thanks thanks….I shill shudder to think that he came into my life, moved in after a while, then gave up his job, after promising so many things. He then spent all the money from his house sale on a business which he knew nothing about and it went bankrupt after one month!! I started to support him financially then when he stopped coming home I could see I had lost him, and also I realised what his psychological problem was through reading. Good riddance to old rubbish! xx Anne
mysticmud
Fellow sufferers (victors) and friends, although I am new to this blog I feel so at home here, we have all been through hell and come out the other side able to talk about it!!!!!!
*****Power to the “normal (ish)” people of the world*****
We have all learnt so much through our experiences, lets build on that and NEVER get taken in again – we have the knowledge now, lets use it and get out there, there is a world to explore. Love to you all, we will survive. (I’ll buy you all an ice cream at the seaside – if only I could!) Bye