In the aftermath of an encounter with a sociopath, it is easy to get stuck in the “why.” Why did he/she do it? Why didn’t he love me? Why did she treat me so badly? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why? Why? Why?
In healing, it’s imperative to let go of why to focus on “what.” What can I do for myself today that will ease my aching heart? What can I do to heal? What do I need to do to reclaim my soul, my spirit, my essence? What steps can I take to lead me away from the horror and pain of yesterday to embracing myself in love today? What is important to me today? What will create more of what I want in my life rather than less? What next?
I will never know why he did what he did. I will never know what he was thinking, or feeling — and that’s okay. His thoughts and feelings will not change my life. His thoughts and feelings are not important to me today.
My thoughts, my feelings count. Asking why about him keeps me from focusing on me. And I deserve to let go of him so that I can get on with loving me.
To let go and get on with loving myself so that I can live my beautiful life, I must accept that there is no hope of a better past, no future in which the past will be a perfect reflection of my life today, no moment when the past will be anything other than what it is, events that have brought me to today. Events and happenings that strengthened me, even when I felt at my weakest. Even when I believed I could not go on.
This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made “better.” It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.
In the past I was a victim of a sociopath. And now I’m free.
How I live my life in freedom is up to me. Victor or Victim. My choice.
I choose Victor.
Hello Mysticmud, Thought I would introduce myself as Im from the UK (Hertfordshire) too. Sorry to hear about your experience with the sociopath. I sold an item he bought me on ebay, yes that was good.
Hi Beverly, glad you got in touch – there must be loads of people like us out there musnt there? Maybe many who dont get to the stage we do and understand what has gone wrong. They just put up with it……and feel downtrodden and used , but lack the resources to make better lives for themselves. We however want to tackle the problem and get over it, so that really empowers us! Still we all need support as well as give it so blogs like these are really valuable.
I hope you will share with us how you feel about your S, or have you been on this blog for some time? Anyhow, feel free to complain, its very therapeutic! Take care now, bye for now….Anne
PS All his designer suits are on Ebay, with some of the money going to Teenage Cancer Trust, so maybe some good may come out of all this.
Hi Mysticmud. Yes I think there are lots of people still in psychopathic relationships who are so weakened and battered, that they dont have the strength to get out. There arent many people posting on this site from the UK, so thought I would say hello. I have been on this site 10 months, my exNarcissist is long gone, since last August, but the reverberations of his deceit and manipulation are still echoing through me. If you back read my posting you will see that after I left him, I found out I had breast cancer and other health problems. I went into the relationship healthy and came out with multiple health problems. They hurt us on some many levels.
A worthy cause may I say. Take Care and let us know how you are getting on.
Perky, it was “threaD” not “threaT”–my bad, sorry. LOL
Henry, I hope you are out of the pits again, my dear! I used to tell my kids when they were in their early teens or before, that their “attidudes” were not acceptable and offer to give them an “attitude ADJUSTMENT” if they didn’t decide to adjust them themselves. So I am telling you now, my dear dear friend, out of love for you that either you “adjust your attitude” yourself or I will adjust it for you!!!! With my trustly iron skillet!!! LOL
You have come so far my dear friend, and I know you will stumble on the “road to recovery”–heck, Henry, I am still STILL stumbling on some days and I don’t ever expect to not stumble once in a while, but at the same time, remember WE ARE VICTORIOUS. And Henry, I AM soooooo PROUD of you, how far you have come, and how you are gaining your strength and power back. I too felt this “overwhelming” need for companionship and love (relationship) but you know, I realize now that I am ME and I LOVE ME JUST LIKE I AM. With wrinkles, sun spots on my skin, gray hair, and saggy boobs! LOL I don’t need some man to tell me who I am or make me feel special.
Henry, you are a wonderful caring man, and you have every woman on LF “in love with” you for your wonderful qualities, so the time WILL COME when you are ready to find someone who WILL APPREICIATE you for what and who you are for a relationship, just don’t get in a hurry–look what happened to me when I got in a hurry–another freeking P.
Not getting answers to so many questions has been one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with. There are so many thing that I want to know, but will never know. Thank you M.L Gallagher for the above post. You are right, we cannot change the past, but we can learn to move on from it. Now I know that the only way to truly move on is to accept that many things will remain in the dark where he is concerned. He only would have lied to me had questions been asked, so there was no point to it all really.
I’m working on freeing myself from him entirely. I want to wake up and get through the day without terrible thoughts of him. Being here and reading your posts helps so much.
Mysticmud and Beverly, you have another UKer here. It is good to know that we aren’t alone. Mysticmud….lol at putting his designer suits on ebay. Good for you girl. Hope they make a lot of money for such a worth cause.
Hi Marie, what part of the UK are you in? (The suits have 4hrs to go and no takers yet, but it could all happen in the last minutes!)
Yes, when things were going wrong (ie indifference, not telling me anything, staying out for WEEKS on end) I knew I had to make contingency plans. So I joined a social group for company (he never asked where I was going or who with, so he didnt care), read all about personality types, talked talked talked to girlfriends, and generally got on with life without him. He had been gradually taking his clothes and possessions out of the house, so he was working up to it also. We had no arguments, I was VERY reasonable, but you cant exist in a one way relationship, so……………OUT!
It does take AGES to get out of the hurt these people cause, and they walk away unscathed, because they just dont care and have no empathy. So survivors of the abuse just get out there in the world, get rid of his stuff, dont try to contact him (cos he wont try to contact you). Yes if you like you can cry at home, that will pass, but smile and the world smiles with you (yes an old cliche but very true)
My UK friends, Beverly and Marie, good luck in your struggles, would love to hear more. And other posters, we have lots of positive advice and experience to share, from wherever we hail, so as a new user is there anyone out there who would like to exchange ideas about these sad people and the hurt they cause? Bye all for now x
Dear mysticmud
Yes they are able to just up and walk away from us, and it makes us feel like we meant nothing at all to them doesn’t it. 🙁 I guess we didn’t mean as much as we thought we did, otherwise how could they leave so easily? At times he made me feel like I meant something, but now I realise that was his way of securing NS. Mine talked about having to move on and leave everything behind in the past (Red flag….who in their right mind does this?). He played the pity party and blamed others of course, had me feeling sorry for him! The odd thing is I have never felt so strongly about anyone so fast as I did with him. That must be another Red Flag, they somehow work their magic over us until we are under some kind of spell, so much so that we don’t see the real person hiding under the facade.
Thank goodness for this site and others like it where we can share our thoughts and feelings with people who really know and understand what we are saying. I am in M.K by the way. I come here often to read the posts and join in at times, though the threads that I reply to are often gone by the time I check in the following day. It is difficult to keep up with the blog sometimes.
I do hope that the suits sell and reach a good price mystic. A little bit of revenge/karma helps enormously. 🙂
hi i havent been on for a while as i was movinghouse. latest update i ignored the ex s path for 3 months as he was seeing someone else and i was dating to try and meet someone for myself. then all of a sudden he turns up at my work all friendly and didnt mention his new girl friend at all. then the day i was moving i get a call my ph rang once then stopped i was really busy moving and stressed i was like who rings once and hangs up, checked the ph it was him whats he up to i thought a bit angry. so i call back to find out what he wants he says he accidently dialled my number! and that he was going to call me in a couple of weeks so he will do that anyway. very strange. so he calls in a few weeks and says he would like to catch up doesnt mention his girlfriend until i say have you broke up, oh no he says she is away this weekend. he says he wanted to see my new place, i was feeling a bit lonely so stupidly said yes come over. while there he said he was serious about the new girl but when i said do you love her, he said i dont know this has been a 6 month relationship he is in? he also was very affectionate towards me while he was there? and when he left he says call me? it seems to me they cant stand not hearing from us even when they have got someone else to use ie his new girlf riend. why do they have to keep tabs on us . i know he also visits other woman he was interested in too even though nothing is happening he just has to keep in touch. has anyone else found this with the s paths and what happened, would love to hear some other stories or ideas on this. thanks jules….
Hi Marie, one of the suits just went for £40, (Yes!!!!!!- result!)
Just to chip in with Marie and Jules’ comments, I have similar stories to tell about the pity thing – of course, to him it was always everyone else’s fault that he lost a lot of money several times, two wives walked out on him, he even allowed his parents to sell their house to help him (I learn later). I wanted to give him a stable, loving life, but he just cant do it – makes reckless money decisions and buys loads of stuff for himself, not even an Xmas card for me , let alone him coming home (informed me he was staying in London over Xmas by TEXT MESSAGE on Xmas eve,then didnt come back for 6 weeks). Once I was not useful anymore he cut me off-thankfully its my house!