In the aftermath of an encounter with a sociopath, it is easy to get stuck in the “why.” Why did he/she do it? Why didn’t he love me? Why did she treat me so badly? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why? Why? Why?
In healing, it’s imperative to let go of why to focus on “what.” What can I do for myself today that will ease my aching heart? What can I do to heal? What do I need to do to reclaim my soul, my spirit, my essence? What steps can I take to lead me away from the horror and pain of yesterday to embracing myself in love today? What is important to me today? What will create more of what I want in my life rather than less? What next?
I will never know why he did what he did. I will never know what he was thinking, or feeling — and that’s okay. His thoughts and feelings will not change my life. His thoughts and feelings are not important to me today.
My thoughts, my feelings count. Asking why about him keeps me from focusing on me. And I deserve to let go of him so that I can get on with loving me.
To let go and get on with loving myself so that I can live my beautiful life, I must accept that there is no hope of a better past, no future in which the past will be a perfect reflection of my life today, no moment when the past will be anything other than what it is, events that have brought me to today. Events and happenings that strengthened me, even when I felt at my weakest. Even when I believed I could not go on.
This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made “better.” It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.
In the past I was a victim of a sociopath. And now I’m free.
How I live my life in freedom is up to me. Victor or Victim. My choice.
I choose Victor.
He thinks the streets of London are paved with gold, and as he is good at music (he isnt) and a brilliant businessman (he most definitely isnt), he thinks he will become famous, and receive the adoration that, as a sociopath or narcissist or whatever, he so desparetely needs. I was beginning to see through him (I “rumbled him” as we say) so was not giving him this adoration any more. (Well he never praised me or even said thank you for anything (and the lies!!!- another story for another time perhaps.)) I was therefore non-existent in his eyes.He has no emotions except how he has learnt how to react by observation.(This is all in the psychology self-help books I have read.)So Jules,my N ignored me,this is probably easier to cope with than your situation.Its up to us to make the break final, cos they will continue to use you if you let them. Good luck. PS the more intimate side of life was non-existant too, so what’s the point-he’s OUT. Sorry to go on but wow this helps!! Bye
This little log by Donna was the exact thing I needed today. Why indeed.. who the heck knows.. and who cares? I need to get on with my own life. He’ll be ravaging someone elses but at least he’ll be away from mine.
Dear Jules,
That is why NO CONTACT is so important to healing for me, to keep them out of my mind, heart and life, to give me time to heal. Every time I would let one of them contact me again, they just sucked me back in, ripped the scabs off my wounds and hrut me again.
Good for you Mysticmud, and BTW welcome from me as well. Glad you are doing well in your healing path, and again, welcome.
Thanks OxDrover, for the welcome.
Doing OK in healing path, but only because I refuse to let the b*****rd grind me down!
Well one suit went for £40 and one for £30 ! It is so therapeutic to package up his stuff and send it far far away! (and it helps charity too). Must dash now, going out to my social club night – keep battling folks, then one day you wont feel you need this forum any more, or that you can stay and help others. (Hmmm wonder how much I can sell his Peugeot car for……….) Thanks all for your loving support, Anne x
This sucks I feel so under the gun. I feel like ranting and raving and running down the street screaming “HELP!”
kat then do it! go somewhere and scream – rant- rave- cry – don’t hold this in – I think it’s going to be a screaming nite for me as well—–going to scream— because it is healthy–it’s like getting the evil out—SCREAM BABY SCREAM you will be ok……
Oh dear its noisy in here!!!
Hope it helped, people. Me? – well I think a bit of retail therapy is the order of the day!
No thoughts of HIMSELF today, I think I will just get busy, get rid of more of his stuff to the charity shop, no it doesnt hurt to do this today (other days it might) , in fact I do feel angry inside so for me it is therapeutic to get rid of his stuff that I will never see again. Dont really want to scream like some other posters above, but I do feel it inside, like we all do. Just deal with it as best suits you, oh OK then I WILL have a little scream. EEEEEKKKKKK!!!! Wow thats good, thanks guys!
you know alot of people on here, say that they were left and discarded, and im just curious, are they many forms of these sociopaths? bc mine didt up and leave me, he wont leave. he wants me and many other relationships or inapporiate behavior behind my back. i had to leave him, and go NC. then he will contact every once in awhile. but ive notice these differents views from the people on here. he still wants the relationship , but of course i dont, hell no. i dont want to go back to that crazyness. i dont know which is better or what is harder to get over. one that just up and leaves you or one that wont leave you alone?
Dear Blondie,
No, they are all the “same type” but some of them completely “discard” their partner–walk off, disappear, and have no contact with you. Others some how seem to want to continue to “stalk” you forever, and there are most inbetween.
Some will even come back and try to “make up with you” then as soon as you do, dump you and walk off, as they can’t stand a victim “escaping”–they have to be the dumper, not the dumpee.
Which ever way the break up happens or continues I’m not sure what makes the difference in that choice for them.
Some Ps become extremely violent and vengeful at the victim escaping and actually stalk and kill the victim (which they consider a possession) for “deserting” them.
Maybe Dr. Leedom can shed some light on this difference.
I saw the exN today. He has such dark energy around him and he moves slowly like a snake. The dark energy is a mask for his ‘superiority’.