In the aftermath of an encounter with a sociopath, it is easy to get stuck in the “why.” Why did he/she do it? Why didn’t he love me? Why did she treat me so badly? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why? Why? Why?
In healing, it’s imperative to let go of why to focus on “what.” What can I do for myself today that will ease my aching heart? What can I do to heal? What do I need to do to reclaim my soul, my spirit, my essence? What steps can I take to lead me away from the horror and pain of yesterday to embracing myself in love today? What is important to me today? What will create more of what I want in my life rather than less? What next?
I will never know why he did what he did. I will never know what he was thinking, or feeling — and that’s okay. His thoughts and feelings will not change my life. His thoughts and feelings are not important to me today.
My thoughts, my feelings count. Asking why about him keeps me from focusing on me. And I deserve to let go of him so that I can get on with loving me.
To let go and get on with loving myself so that I can live my beautiful life, I must accept that there is no hope of a better past, no future in which the past will be a perfect reflection of my life today, no moment when the past will be anything other than what it is, events that have brought me to today. Events and happenings that strengthened me, even when I felt at my weakest. Even when I believed I could not go on.
This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made “better.” It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.
In the past I was a victim of a sociopath. And now I’m free.
How I live my life in freedom is up to me. Victor or Victim. My choice.
I choose Victor.
Ox Drover
Bev,
There IS something reptilian about them. Of course it is easier to see in retrospect, but even so just the “feeling” that most of us get when we see a snake or other larger reptile that makes our “skin crawl” or us feel an instinctive fear of them seems to follow them like a stink.
(((Bev))))) I hope you are doing okay after the encounter.
kat_o_nine_tales
Yeah Blondie.. what Oxy said happened to me. My cheater ex-bf had been out of my life a few months, and I had started dating a really nice guy, who also happened to have just become a millionaire.
Suddenly my cheater ex showed up and began begging and pleading me to take him back, promising the moon. The thing that got me was all of a sudden he “realized” all the things I’d been trying to tell him when we were together. Wow, doing some real changing I thought… still I blew him off. He persisted, even going on a hunger strike. I could not get him out of my mind.
Finally I broke things off with the new guy, even though we got along great and my kids really liked his kids a lot. Stupid me. Within a week my ex was back to his old ways, and insisted it was what I “secretly” wanted. So then I had nobody, and felt like such a fool.
I do not know for sure, but if your ex wants you back, it could be for the purpose of dumping you himself. At the very least, he wants to keep tabs on you, maybe to give him some semblance of control.
Whatever you do Blondie, please don’t believe the crap he is saying and try to make sense out of it. He is simply saying anything he can think of trying to find your “take him back” trigger. He doesn’t mean any of it or he would have shown it when he had the chance.
blondie
good way to put that KAT… should have shown it when he had the chance!
Marie
Dear mysticmud,
Congratulations on selling the suits. Yay! 🙂 Are you going to go shopping and treat yourself to something? You should you know, you deserve it. Well done.
The arrogance of these guys is unbelievable isn’t it. Mine was in the music business, he thought he was wonderful. Though he tried to pretend to be modest, he was forever fishing for compliments and basked in any adulation going. Nobody did anything as well as him after all! :/ He was full of jealousy too for successful people, could never be pleased for anyone. Oh and he drove a battered peugot too. I have lost count of the times that I have sat here nodding my head at all the things people say about their psycho exes as many echo my experiences too, time and time again.
Jules, mine was fond of hang up calls too. Especially after it all ended, I never called him again though. Best to get off the merry-go-round if you can. These guys just play cat and mouse with us and hurt us time and again if we stick around. The further away they are the better. Preferably on a desert island where there are no women! lol
Bev, I do hope you are okay after seeing your exN? I can’t imagine how awful that must have been for you. Goodness knows how I would be if I bumped into my exN. I have seen lookalikes and that was bad enough.
Beverly
Thank you Oxy. I do see him from time to time and my heart thumps in anxiety, but it soon passes. Oh, if only people knew him for real. Knowing what I know now, I would steer well clear – they do so much damage
mysticmud
Hi Marie, Hey you sure its not the same guy?? Sounds an awfully familiar story! Mine moved in, sold his house, promised marriage and a new house, gave up his job,told me he was now a student, and could not help with bills.Went to do a music (6 month) course and thought he was an expert in spotting music talent, and all aspects of music (hed never done any before!) Called himself a “top producer” with “international contacts” and “many years experience”.He said he couldnt afford to come home during the week then stayed out most of the weekend too (no calls or texts when he was away – told me not to call) I bet you can identify with this Marie. If you think of these people as being devoid of a sense of emotional attachment to anyone or anybody, however this has come about, then all the strange behaviour seems to fit….this revelation has helped me understand. Any emotional attachment he has shown is all learnt behaviour from observing others.They are not stupid, they know they are not like others.Red flags should have flown when one of his cats died and he cried and cried and appeared very upset, then two weeks later another of his cats died and there was no response at all – spooky! I still have his remaining cat, because he did not want her, and he has never asked me how she is on the two occasions he has spoken to me since I slung him out. Marie, if you feel strong enough to share some of your experiences with us I am sure we will find many similarities. PS I treated my daughter to new clothes as she has an interview coming up ! Take care xx
mysticmud
Beverly, hi there – knowing what you now know…….you wont get caught again……your senses will be razor sharp when assessing new prospective partners. All thats left now is to get over the last one…not easy I know, but the knowledge you now have is of great value, and getting over him makes you sooo much stronger – the fact he has caused you so much hurt just magnifies the fact you must be a very caring person – hold onto that idea and put him firmly out of your mind, he just doesnt fit there …..
kat_o_nine_tales
Blocked mine for good today. It feels good to be moving past that point, but I have the weirdest feeling tonight. Though he only spoke on the IM, I could see the look in his eyes so clearly. I can still see em. Why.. after every game he’s played and showed that he can’t be faithful to anyone and especially not me with my confrontational ways.. why do I still want to look in those eyes again?
mysticmud
Hi Kat, I hope you really have blocked him, and well done! Keep it up, NO CONTACT at all is best to really move on , other wise you will be constantly sucked back in one way or another – be strong girl, we are all with you!!
Marie
Hi mysticmud, Your ex does sound so similar to mine. They are so cunning and always a few steps ahead of us aren’t they. We have absolutely no way of telling what exactly they are planning at any given time. They tell us one thing and do the opposite. Or if yours was anything like mine, he would say something and then deny he ever said it! So contradictory. He would often completely go back on his word, and make me question myself as to whether I had misheard, or maybe misunderstood his meaning. As time went on though and this kept on happening I knew it wasn’t me, it was him saying things in order to manipulate me or lying over and over again. They mess with our minds big time, and it is hard when the whole r/s is over as we are left in a whirlwind wondering what the heck he was all about.
Mine was talking about selling his house when I ended the r/s and starting a new life. He was forever moving around the country. Always running from something or someone. He didn’t have any friends and never spoke to his family. He was full of anger, hatred and jealousy under the ‘nice guy’ image. Pretty sad existence he had really. Strange how there are several co-incidences with our guys though mystic. Was your exN a Northerner by any chance?
Your daughter must have been over the moon with her new clothes. Money well spent. I wish her the very best of luck with her interview. 🙂 ………x