In the aftermath of an encounter with a sociopath, it is easy to get stuck in the “why.” Why did he/she do it? Why didn’t he love me? Why did she treat me so badly? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why? Why? Why?
In healing, it’s imperative to let go of why to focus on “what.” What can I do for myself today that will ease my aching heart? What can I do to heal? What do I need to do to reclaim my soul, my spirit, my essence? What steps can I take to lead me away from the horror and pain of yesterday to embracing myself in love today? What is important to me today? What will create more of what I want in my life rather than less? What next?
I will never know why he did what he did. I will never know what he was thinking, or feeling — and that’s okay. His thoughts and feelings will not change my life. His thoughts and feelings are not important to me today.
My thoughts, my feelings count. Asking why about him keeps me from focusing on me. And I deserve to let go of him so that I can get on with loving me.
To let go and get on with loving myself so that I can live my beautiful life, I must accept that there is no hope of a better past, no future in which the past will be a perfect reflection of my life today, no moment when the past will be anything other than what it is, events that have brought me to today. Events and happenings that strengthened me, even when I felt at my weakest. Even when I believed I could not go on.
This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made “better.” It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.
In the past I was a victim of a sociopath. And now I’m free.
How I live my life in freedom is up to me. Victor or Victim. My choice.
I choose Victor.
DO NOT BELIEVE “THEY” THE ANTI-SOCIAL PERSONALITY DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING. They know exactly what they are doing. They know and play the legal system to the hilt. Why not use your credit cards … they get what they want for doing nothing but smiling to your face, sleeping with you (aka the Bible calls them Who–es) and Who–es are exactly what they are. Getting for free anything they want. For the courts not to address this is a disgrace. Get off your butts and put these folks in ORANGE jumpsuits and stop the nonsense. The jerks know how to play the system. They know what to say to the police, the courts, the attorneys. Hey, today, the some of the attorneys are just as guilty pulling their crap on the unsuspecting innocent party. They all give everyone lip service. Fluff – no substance backing any of their words or actions. And, yes, they do size up their victims before they get involved with anyone. Are you a giver? Are you responsible? Are you financially secure? Are you honest? Hey, they can’t be with someone just like themselves … can’t get anything from another user out there. They have to find a “giver”. Opposite of them. They, what we call anti-socials are really selfish, self absorbed, self centered parosites … and they make the system go round and round. Why stop them? They’d be out of a job. All at the expense of the efficient, decent, loving, kind, considerate folks in this country. And, there is nothing wrong with them or their brains … that’s just an act so they can claim they have a problem when the courts finally get around to throwing them in prison for a few years. They go to church, they read the Bible, they understand and know the rules of society and they do care … only when it comes to them and them only. What’s in life for them? Me, myself and I. You want to see emotions, put a camera on them when they are crying for themselves cause a judge finally sentenced one of them for several years behind bars. Leave them in a room after the judge announces sentencing … with a camera running and you’ll see the tears flowing down their faces. So, they feel – they just know ahead of time they are going to use you for everything you ever worked for before you even met them. Why do the 9 to 5, 5 or 6 days a week to buy a car? They can get a car for free from you. Why do the 9 to 5, 5 or 6 days a week to go on vacation? They can get a vacation and take all their friends with them … and you without knowing it at the time are paying for everything. It comes down to selfishness, self centered, self absorbed … learning this from childhood. Getting away with lying to their parental figures, their siblings, teachers, friends, relatives. It’s step by step from childhood pushing and testing the waters what people will believe and what they need to refine. Their isn’t any “critical” abnomalities to them. They know exactly what they are doing from a young age. Hey, if no one takes the time to correct them and just allow them to get away with lies – guess what? They don’t have to walk the righteous paths in life. They don’t have to do what the average Joe Schmoes out there have to do. They don’t have to jump through any of the hoops – they just lie through their teeths to everyone and anyone and get what they want anyway. Hey, why have to put effort into doing what you want and where you want to get – when telling a few lies here and there – and no one is the wiser. So yes, society is at fault for not ensuring the checks and balances are in place. Yes, society is at fault for turning the other cheek when it comes to juveniles getting in trouble .. oh, let’s just slap them on the wrist – they don’t know what they are doing … let’s not destroy his/her life, their too young. And what do you think they learned from getting treated easy on the first time they got caught … Oh, I can work the system if I shed a few tears.
Anyway, enough of the courts and law enforcement not taking their crimes seriously. Conning and scamming others in society IS THE NEW CRIME TODAY – all over our country. The elderly are conned out of their savings … young men and women are conned by so called lovers, husbands, wives. Business is conned when they employ them due to all the chaos and smoke screens they create to point the finger at the real workers in the work place so they can get away with not working for a living, stealing the ideas and creativity and hard work of co-workers – getting them fired, demoted, trashed. Wake up people, they know what they are doing … they all know what they are doing. The come in both sexes, all colors, all nationalities, all religious affilations, all walks of life, young and old alike … they are the people who want to use and abuse others to get what they want and their is nothing, absolutely, nothing wrong with them mentally except that they are spoiled, self centered, self serving BRATS that couldn’t get mommy to powder their butts 24 hours/day because some younger brother or sister was born after them … and mommy didn’t have time to dot on them, them, them. Hence, that’s the time these little users go from being “humble” to living in their big “EGOs”. Erasing God Out … believing in themselves as the little gods that they think they are instead of staying humble and realizing their is a creator and it isn’t the little king or queen of their world.
So, back to the drawing boards at looking at them as the spoiled, self centered brats that they are. That’s the only anti-social label they really all have. Brats.
Peace.
Good article.
I wasn’t involved with the sociopath with whom I got entangled. I worked with him. And the first day I met him, I got that gnawing feeling that something wasn’t right with him, and stayed away for a long time. But then when working with him, he was very nice to me; complimentary, flirtatious, helpful, and I figured I had been incorrect.
I wasn’t incorrect. I watched him bully the entire department around, obstruct people from getting their work done by not giving them important information, and then swooping in and looking like the savior. He was lazy and manipulative. And yet, completely supported by management. They were afraid of him. Before I saw all of this, I made a flagrant pass at him- thought he was the man of my dreams- intelligent, funny, artistic-hah! A few weeks after I expressed my interest in him, he picked a fight and started screaming in front of the whole department. It was never right after that, and I discovered that he did this with everyone in the department-picking fights and blaming all the ills on them. After a couple of years, we had another disagreement about something, and he was very verbally abusive about it, and I wrote to his manager about it. The sociopath countered with sexual harassment- that I had expressed interest in him and he had rejected me, and this was my way of getting back at him. It was disproved of course, but it was very embarassing.
I figured he had no impulse control, and that he did this every three or four months because of some chemical imbalance. But then, after FOUR YEARS, enough people had complained about him, and he went on notice.
He was quiet as a mouse after that, so that proved he did have the impulse control, he just enjoyed doing it.
They finally laid him off, but not because of his behavior. Now some other company has to deal with him. They have my pity.
“In the past I was a victim of a sociopath. And now I’m free.”
I believe this is what needs to happen. Either you stay a victim or learn heal and move on to become a survivor. Staying a victim of a sociopath will only keep you from healing. Which I am sure just what any ex P wants. So it is the most important for us to heal and move on to become free and a true survivors!
Mystic, thanks, yeah I blocked him. He can keep the friggin’ money .. it wasn’t much anyway. Today for the first time EVER, he sent me a forwarded e-mail. He is trying to keep me in his circle, he does this to all his exes which is why he has such a lovely little fan club. I blocked his e-mails as well.
I was thinking over what Wini wrote above about money. It’s a funny thing, but my first husband who was EXTREMELY sociopathic to the point where his personality resembles that of a serial killer, never wanted me to work much. I think after the kids were born he wanted to make sure I was home with them all the time so he could take off for days, but before that.. I wonder. He is a workaholic and never tried to get anything from me financially.
Instead, he played this weird little game with me through our entire marriage. It went something like this:
He worked wherever and whenever he wanted. It did not make any difference to him how many times we had to make a difficult move in the middle of a school year. He would quit a job the week before Christmas, etc. We were in constant crisis mode because of the job changes. Because of this, we were always late on bills, always behind for one reason or another. Then he would hide most of his paycheck, spend it on some expensive trinket, or simply stay away from home until it was gone.
He really doesn’t mind working, he prefers to work overtime, weekends and holidays. So his paychecks have been really nice. But how we lived, you would never know.
Now, the worst part of the game. Because of our money problems, I was always put in the position of trying to get him to pay the bills and do right with his money. He would put me in this position, then he would be very angry with me all the time. He made me be “mommy” so he could rebel against me. I really think this had something to do with his horrible relationship with his majorly enabling mom.
Away for a few days in Scotland from tomorrow, so wont be on – I will be back to catch up though. No Marie he was not from the North, but as yours he never calls his family or even his parents, his mother is in hospital on the Isle of Wight and I have been over there twice in the last few months to see them, and he hasnt even called – completely heartless!! May be able to post tomorrow morning before my flight to Scotland, hope so , I havent even had time to read that great article by Wini properly yet.
Kat – yes mine was and is a workaholic too, and works on impulse, no thought as to what he is doing is right or not. He lost all his money from his house. Take care all, and see ya’ll soon, take care one and all Anne xx
Have a good time in Scotland Anne, I have never been but I have heard that it is beautiful there. What you said about exN not visiting his mother in hospital is so typical of these guys, mine told me that he hated his mother. He never had a good word to say about her, or anyone else for that matter. Yes they are completely heartless. 🙁
Wini, excellent post, that sums up exN totally. I had chills running up and down my spine as I read. If only they weren’t allowed to get away so easily with abusing decent people. To be abused in such an underhand way is extremely upsetting. To have our trust betrayed and know that the r/s was all a lie is so hard to come to terms with. Yes they are Brats, spoiled, nasty, selfish, mean Brats who will continue to abuse unless the law gets tough and locks them up where they belong.
Wini, I really like your insights into the sociopaths. I agree, they know what they are doing, they know how their behaviour works, because they have done it before with others. My exN KNEW it wouldnt last between us, because i suspect that every woman he has pulled begins to realise that underneath that masculine suave mask, is an obnoxious man -that is why he didnt invest in the relationship, he knew it wouldnt last.
Good to see you back Wini. ((hugs))
Hi guys, back from Scotland-it was lovely! I dont think I gave HIMSELF more than a cursory thought when I was away only to think that he didnt have the soul to appreciate all the wonderful natural things I saw such as owls,deer,beautiful lochs (lakes) and coastal scenery. He used to pretend to see beauty in nature but it was all a con as he would never suggest going anywhere beautiful, but just wanted to sit indoors watching TV or in my garage where he had set up a “studio”.Beverly hi – every word of your last post is true for me too, they know only too well they cannot sustain a relationship, and after a time the woman sees through these people.
I really feel I am moving on now and feel confident with doing stuff on my own (he never wanted to do anything with me anyway), so my next step is never to feel down or depressed about the break-up – it was doomed from the start anyway – so the only way is onward and up!
Dear Mysticmud. Welcome back. I went to Scotland in Feb this year to Loch Awe – and it was as awesome as you describe – such wild beauty. You are also sounding positive – the break did you good?
Yes Beverly it did do me good, life is beautiful isnt it? The only blot on the landscape is you know who, and he is fading out of sight…..I may still get bad times but I am definitely moving forward!
How are you though ? How are you coping and how are you feeling?
PS picked up another couple of suits from the cleaners today so I can get on with selling them! Hope you are coping….hope to hear soon take care