In the aftermath of an encounter with a sociopath, it is easy to get stuck in the “why.” Why did he/she do it? Why didn’t he love me? Why did she treat me so badly? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why? Why? Why?
In healing, it’s imperative to let go of why to focus on “what.” What can I do for myself today that will ease my aching heart? What can I do to heal? What do I need to do to reclaim my soul, my spirit, my essence? What steps can I take to lead me away from the horror and pain of yesterday to embracing myself in love today? What is important to me today? What will create more of what I want in my life rather than less? What next?
I will never know why he did what he did. I will never know what he was thinking, or feeling — and that’s okay. His thoughts and feelings will not change my life. His thoughts and feelings are not important to me today.
My thoughts, my feelings count. Asking why about him keeps me from focusing on me. And I deserve to let go of him so that I can get on with loving me.
To let go and get on with loving myself so that I can live my beautiful life, I must accept that there is no hope of a better past, no future in which the past will be a perfect reflection of my life today, no moment when the past will be anything other than what it is, events that have brought me to today. Events and happenings that strengthened me, even when I felt at my weakest. Even when I believed I could not go on.
This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made “better.” It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.
In the past I was a victim of a sociopath. And now I’m free.
How I live my life in freedom is up to me. Victor or Victim. My choice.
I choose Victor.
Yes Mysticmud. Life is beautiful. Glad to hear that he is moving more of a distance out of your life – me too. I see my exN around the town and I get the jitters, but I totally ignore him. Ive been bidding on THAT auction site too. Good to hear from you Mysticmud.
Thanks Beverly for your kind words – glad you are moving on too – I think you know as I do that we were the “normal” ones in our relationships and they had the problem.You have to wonder why sociopaths dont want a lasting relationship – I suppose they are so wrapped up in themselves they cant see the other person as a separate entity. What still hurts is the thought that , to him, “It just didnt work out” or “its one of those things” (if he thinks of me at all, that is!), and he probably thinks of me as he used to describe his ex-wives, always negative and stupid, boring etc etc. I have it on good authority that they were nice ladies, as I feel I am. He would never feel it was his fault!
Anyway, since he has gone, I now have many more friends than I used to have, its given me a good whack up the backside and got me out doing things such as social clubs, walking groups, photographic club, nature walks and talks, and on and on ( I fit a fulltime job in there somewhere too). I think this is crucial to healing. We seem to have taken over this blog for now, not intentionally folks, and apologies! PS Beverly if you want to email I am on anne@awayfromitall.co.uk
Thanks Mysticmud. Im over most of it and Ive been clear of him nearly a year. Like Henry, I still think about him most days – which peeves me. I wish I could meet someone else, even if it is to give me something else to think about!! I have seen the ex in the local pub rather alot recently, which possibly signifies that he has split from the next gf. But there is no danger of him approaching me – he did too much damage and would have to explain alot too!!
I will email you very soon.
Beverly,
Sometimes it seems like a nice dream to meet someone new, as you said, if nothing else to give you something else to think about and of course to remind yourself that you are attrative and loveable. I have a hard time putting my opinion out there, but I will tell you what I did. I met someone new, great guy, (long story) but I was not done healing yet so he just distracted me from what I needed to do for myself. I know it gets lonely, I know it’s hard to go thru the days and nights alone but I believe that is what is needed to heal especially if you are still thinking about the P/S. For me personally, I just ended up hurting myself more, but I also hurt someone else in the process which made things worse for me. Take Care. Rita
Yes, thank you (R)perk6069. Of course you are right. Healing takes time to happen thoroughly and properly. Its just, my neighbour was widowed and has a new man, and when you are single you see couples everywhere!! I know that God is guiding my healing and everything will happen in its own good time. Thank you for bringing me back to that understanding.
Dear Perky,
I totally agree with you on that post! That’s one reason right now if someone did bounce into my life, I still don’t think I am “ready” yet to be distracted from the healing. I think I’m “getting close”–but sometimes that is an illusion too, and someting sets me back a step or two/ I also know that in my age group there are not that many guys out there single that I would be interested in —even, baked, on a platter, with an apple in their mouth!— so if it happens, it does, and if it doesn’t that’s okay too.
Maybe we should just start a group home so none of us have to live by ourselves! LOL Ya;ll come to my place, I’ve got 120 acres and lots of room to walk in the woods! Henry, you can be our resident gardener! Then in the summer time, all us gals will go to Scotland where the weather is cool, and leave Henry here to take care of the gardens and “jar” all our food, we’ll only be gone a couple of months Henry and then we’ll be back–when it gets cold in the winter, you can take off a couple of months and go to Florida. LOL
Oxy, good plan…!!! I could do the books and order your appliance parts…haha.
I wanna come Oxy, especially to Scotland.
I am still battling that empty hollow ache every night.
I think I am finally getting the point of NC. With NC, all the horrible happenings are in the past, they are bad memories. But if you keep speaking to them, then there are always new things to feel bad over, not just memories.
Ooh Oxy can I come too? I don’t know what I can contribute. But you know me. I can wing it! LOL
Kat, good insight. I never thought of it that way. NC prevents adding more to the heaping pile of crap left behind in their wake. Those bad memories. I recall telling the S once that I didn’t want to meet up with him at the place we had planned. It was one of my favorite places and I didn’t want it marred for me. There were already bad memories attached to other places that I never wished to return to again. For Pete’s sake! Why didn’t I listen to myself and get rid of him then? Anyhow, I have since returned to these places and taken them back. Made new memories with people I love (and who love me) to replace the old ones.
Please be true to yourself Kat. Eventually the hollow ache will fade away altogether and turn into a calming peace. That can and will change. They won’t.
Kat!!!!! RIGHT ON!!!! Yes, NC keeps the BAD in the PAST.
Yes, of course you can come! Everyone on LF is welcome! We’ll have a great community of AMAZONS and POWERFUL PEOPLE—No Ps allowed!
There are huge lakes where Aloha can sail near here, and mountains and deltas, and rivers to canoe, cliffs to climb, and all sorts of recreation areas close by. Bev can pick us out a wonderful place to spend summers in Scotland and we’ll fly there in our private 747 Jet (when we get rich!) We’ll have a P-free environment! Hummmmmmm, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a totally P-free life from here on? But you know, even without the wall around the farm, or my own private 747, or a summer home in Scotland, I am determined to have a P-free life wherever I am! My own little bubble of contentment surrounding me like a protective shield that glows bright RED when a P comes into the area. LOL
Takingmeback, I know what you mean about “making new memories” in places that they have polluted. While the Trojan HOrse P was here, I felt like there was a BLACK CLOUD over the farm, I couldn’t even stand to come here or be here, and for several months after he was in jail, I still couldn’t bring myself to move back here. That “feeling” of pollution is leaving, and I am starting to feel better about being here, the feeling of sanctuary is coming back too. I still don’t like to go too close to my mother’s house though, it is still “contaminated” emotionally for me now. That’s not the right word, but I can’t think of a better one. There is so much pain associated with that house still. My little “hole in the woods” though feels safe and secure though.