In the aftermath of an encounter with a sociopath, it is easy to get stuck in the “why.” Why did he/she do it? Why didn’t he love me? Why did she treat me so badly? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why? Why? Why?
In healing, it’s imperative to let go of why to focus on “what.” What can I do for myself today that will ease my aching heart? What can I do to heal? What do I need to do to reclaim my soul, my spirit, my essence? What steps can I take to lead me away from the horror and pain of yesterday to embracing myself in love today? What is important to me today? What will create more of what I want in my life rather than less? What next?
I will never know why he did what he did. I will never know what he was thinking, or feeling — and that’s okay. His thoughts and feelings will not change my life. His thoughts and feelings are not important to me today.
My thoughts, my feelings count. Asking why about him keeps me from focusing on me. And I deserve to let go of him so that I can get on with loving me.
To let go and get on with loving myself so that I can live my beautiful life, I must accept that there is no hope of a better past, no future in which the past will be a perfect reflection of my life today, no moment when the past will be anything other than what it is, events that have brought me to today. Events and happenings that strengthened me, even when I felt at my weakest. Even when I believed I could not go on.
This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made “better.” It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.
In the past I was a victim of a sociopath. And now I’m free.
How I live my life in freedom is up to me. Victor or Victim. My choice.
I choose Victor.
Oxy, I find it amazing how God works in our lives when we pay attention to him, listen and follow. Everything I felt a need to do in my recovery has since been validated in books, devotionals, sermons, etc.
I felt a need early on to take back all that had been taken from me by the S. Much like taking back that which Satan steals from us. I refused to allow the S to taint anything which I had once loved. Like In Vivo Desensitization I forced myself back to places that hurt so badly to be at. To pray in the very spots were ugly things were said to me, where I felt suicidal for the first time in 17 years, where he laughed at me when I cried. I took them back! They would not make me afraid any longer, they would not prevent me from living life abundantly and that territory was mine! Not his, not satan’s, it was givento me by God.
I had a wonderful discussion with a pastor not long after my ordeal. I had been in the hospital following an overdose on my meds, the “peak” of my traumatic experience with the S. He was the pastor who married the S and his late wife. His name came up in prayer and although I didn’t know him I felt called to speak to him. I didn’t know S was an S yet but I was afraid not to obey God and had no idea what to say to this man. But I followed.
This wonderful man of God told me to seek the truth and stay grounded it in. To understand how important geography is to God and to focus on what the S was showing me in the present, not who he was in the beginning. He also shed some light to tell me that the reckless things the S was claiming to do, the things that kept me worried about his safety, were nothing new. He had made the same claims years ago. How validating in learning that this was not me and my doing. It was him.
This man is the pastor of the college both the S and I attended years ago. I had been called back there for a reason just as I had been called back home shortly after the break-up. Since then I have been called to the places that held such bad memories and I’ve made them mine again. I will not fear them.
In the Bible, land was so significant. God promised land to his people. I will not let anything or anyone prevent me from having what God has given me in this lifetime. Be it territory, peace of mind or the ability to have an abundant life. Seeing it as a battle of the mind and a battle against good and evil has allowed me to grow stronger faster than I ever imagined.
I hope in time your mother’s house will represent something new to you. Not a place full of hurtful memories and pain. But one of peace. Wherever you go Oxy you bring your sanctuary with you. I realized this with all my travels recently. Our peace, doesn’t lie in the physical realm. It lies within our spirit. That was a valuable lesson for me to learn. No physical place will keep me away because of what it represents. What it represents in what I attribute to it. I will not fear what’s of this earth, I will be weary though and walk in the truth knowing evil does exist. But my eyes are open and I don’t walk alone. Wherever I go, God is with me and he is talking. My job is to pay attention and to listen.
Lots of Love from your pal Lucy 🙂
Dear “Lucy”–LOL
Yes, this farm, which has been in my family for so many generations, was always my sanctuary even as a child. My family moved every several years so it was difficult for me (sort of like military kids have tomove all the time) and though we never moved far, I had to start new schools and make new friends, but we came here often and I spent summers here with my grandparents and my horses and cattle, and it was the one stable thing in my life. I had friends here who were life long, a PLACE that was “mine.”
Though I left here at 18, and literally roamed the world, this was always here–HOME–even after my grandparents were dead and gone, and renters were allowing the place to become a brush pile, it was always a dream to come back here to live. In the early 1990s I did, and it was PEACE here. My husband and I fulfilled our dreams here and were totally contented to the point that if I’d had a “magic wand” I wouldn’t have had a single wish! God blessed me beyond all comprehending! I have an attachment to THIS land, which is watered with the sweat, blood and tears of my ancestors and myself. My husband and I worked hard to rescue this land from the brush and the neglect, to make it a productive farm again, and he had his little air strip in his front yard which he had wanted all his life–every pilot does I guess! Step out the front door and get into your plane and fly off to where ever.
I loved my jobs, my co-workers and my patients. My “garden of eden” my perfect happiness—was invaded by the Ps! They envied what God had blessed me with. They wanted to take it away. At my weakest moments after the death of my husband, which in many ways was a blessing in itself for him, as he did not die a wretched and sick old age with a stroke or cancer (which would have been horrible to him) he died doing what he loved, without a lot of pain for him. I got the chance to be with him to say goodbye. So over all though it WAS traumatic to me, it “could have been worse.” Much worse.
My own “temptation” with the Ps–and me allowing them in to my “Eden”–not heeding the red flags and throwing them out–led to the rest of the chaos. But God didn’t desert Adam and Eve even after “the fall” and he was there for them, and he was here for me. I see the ways in which God has provided for me, but He has allowed me to have “opportunities to learn” lessons that I obviously needed to learn. So it will become a place of contentment again, I am sure.
Places, in and of themselves, are not “Eden” or “hades” but are in our hearts and minds. If we are content, ANY place can be “Eden” or any place can be “Hades.” The Apostle Paul advices people to be “content” WHATEVER your state is–even if you are a slave, be a good slave, and be content if your situation can’t be changed. He says if you CAN change your state, do so, but if you are in a “bind” where you can’t change it, change your way of looking at it, and be content. That’s some heady advice but good advice. I can’t change my mother’s thinking, but I can come to be content ANYWAY. I can’t change the past, but I can just be grateful for the lessons learned and be content that though my life didn’t work out as a “storybook” family, at least I can see the TRUTH now, and be content. My prayers for wisdom have been answered, and maybe that “wisdom” showed me something I didn’t want to see, but I for sure NEEDED TO SEE to be “wise” in any form. One thing about it, lessons learned “the hard way” are NEVER FORGOTTEN.
Well can I come too? My visit to Scotland really seems to have stirred up feelings of “togetherness”- yes you can ALL come to the country estate I visit near Aberdeen (my brother is Head Gardener) -A definite sociopath-free area (come to think of it you can go days without seeing more than a couple of people!) I think this blog is creating something beautiful, dont you? – a positive vibe, a sense of belonging, somewhere we can have a little grizzle, then end up feeling positive!
I am reading the latter posts on my laptop in the garden, in the sunshine so find it hard to read them properly, I promise I will catch up with them when I am inside.
Am I just lucky or what, but I have no problem in re-possessing places I used to go with my ex , that was then, this is now, so I appreciate places for what they are. I dont even worry about ‘his’ armchair or ‘his’ side of the bed, scientific mind I guess. one place I do have a little problem with, is the exact spot on the sea wall near my caravan on the Essex coast where he asked me to marry him. To think I believed it! (he never mentioned marriage again, although it was 18 months later I slung him out!) You know what, apart from that, I feel that when I look back in time, I see a closed door behind me, and that feels good. The only way is forward now with new people. so what do you reckon guys? (that includes females by the way!) love MM (Anne)
Dear Mysticmud,
I think they use the “I want to marry you” as some sort of “hook” to make you think you are “special.” That they “Really care”–BALDERDASH!
Yes, I feel the positive vibes, and I think really, that they are coming from the fact that as we all heal we become more positive. Do more positive things. I am having so many more POSITIVE experiences daily. Getting “satisfaction” out of the simpliest thing.
When we feel negative, down etc. all we can see is the BLACK GLASS in front of our eyes that makes the most beautiful experience or beautiful view look DARK and UGLY. They color our VISION, our thoughts, our feelings. LET THE LIGHT SHINE IN! There is an old song that we used too sing in “Vaction Bible school” called, “This little light of Mine”—“this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, all around the neighborhood, I’m gonna let it shine” A silly little child’s song, but SO TRUE!!! WE need to let our “lights” shine to stamp out the DARKNESS. Darkness is NOTHING, it is the ABSENCE of light. If we shine even a little light, even one candle’s worth, it pushes the darkness away.
In our deepest pain it is diffiuclt to shine that light.
This just made me think of something that happened to my oldest son when he was 11 or 12. He had a nightmare that he was BLIND. He woke up and came running into my room, screaming “Mom, I’m blind” He was Terrified. I turned on the light and he stood there crying that he was “Blind!” I noticed that his EYES WERE CLOSED. I took a lamp and shined it on his closed eyelids (so it would filter thorugh even though his eyes were closed tight) and finally convinced him that his lack of sight was BECAUSE HIS EYES WERE CLOSED—and sometimes I think that is what wehave to do to ourselves, OPEN OUR EYES TO THE LIGHT. We aren’t “blind” to all the good in the world, our eyes are just closed and the Ps have convinced us that we are “blind”—we just need to open our eyes and SEE THE LIGHT. (((HUGS))))
Wow, Lucy. What a deep understanding you have earned.
feel like im going thur a divorce. my x will call and leave me messages like he needs to talk to me so bad, its so important, and like an idot i call back and he has nothing important to really say. he ask how am i, what have i been up to? blah blah. he wanted to come pick me up last night in his car, to talk and see me. i said no. im sure all he wanted was to get me back in his web. for some reason i feel like he thinks this is just a phase im going though. he keeps hoping that im going to change my mind and come back to him and we will work it out. that its my choice that i choose to not be with him….just feeling lost in transistion
Dear Blondie,
My dear Blondie, I know you are hurting, but as long as you keep talking to him you will continue to hurt. Until you get completely AWAY from him, YOU are giving him hope that you will get back with him.
WHY are you talking to him? What “emergency” could be so important? Is he holding your child for ransom? Does he have your dog or cat? You answered your own problem with this “all he wanted was to get me back in his web” Why do you answer? Don’t tell ME the answer to that question, tell the answer to YOURSELF.
I’m so glad that you chose not to be with him, but what does talking to him at all do for YOU? We know what it does for him, it gives him HOPE that he will get you back….think about it. ONLY YOU CAN ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS and make the decision to take back CONTROL, with No Contact. It’s the first step to stopping the pain. ((((hugs)))))
Thanks Beverly. I am honestly amazed at what I’ve learned and how each step of recovery I’ve taken was literally led by God. It was later in researching recovery online and finding LF that everything was validated in terms of man’s understanding of the situation. As a result, no one can tell me that God does not exist. Everyone chooses what they will believe but to me God is not a choice, he is the ultimate truth. God led me out me of the darkness and continues to lead me further still into more light than I could imagine. This experience has been such a significant part of my testamony.
God is awesome and faithful and our part is to listen to him and to believe without doubt. There are many things I was called to do that in the moment did not seem to make sense. But as I followed I was amazed over and over again at what God showed me. If we seek the truth he will show us. If we ask with 100% faith and belief, he will answer. Sometimes the answer is not what we were looking for. So I try to wipe away any expectations and be open to what God wants me to see. It has been an incredible experience. Humbling and painful, but freeing and beautiful in the end.
Blondie, when the S would start pursuing me again it was always following my setting up of boundaries and taking back control. To tell him I wanted time and distance to think about what I wanted was like a cue to him to start paying me more attention. I felt like I had more control of the situation when that would happen. So when I’d respond to his efforts at contact and start to re-engage with him he took that as a sign that I was back and would start the game of withdrawal and abuse again.
It is all a game. Don’t be fooled to think his attempts to contact you, which seem so dire on his part, is anything positive. As Oxy noted and you said yourself, it is to draw you back into his web. It is manipulation. The only way to save yourself from further pain and abuse is to disengage entirely. To love yourself more and honor yourself by ending it.
Being contacted by the S may temporarily feel good. For once you have the attention turned back on you. It feels that you have some control. You might think, maybe he does really care about me. But it’s all manipulation. The real control you have is to end it. He is a master at deception. Please don’t give him a thing. Not even the privilege of hearing your voice answering the phone. Or responding to email. Nothing. When you do he knows you care or, at least, thinks you do. He is gaining more ground when that happens.
As Oxy said, spend time thinking about why you respond to him. What are you feeling? Is it hurting or helping the situation? Does it keep you confused? Does it give you false hope? Please stay grounded and remind yourself of what has taken place that has led you this point.
i guess im somewhat lonely. he is all i knew for two years. i guess i sometimes feel like what is it going to hurt if i call him back. maybe im hoping he has something different to say. im used to him gone, so when he does call i find it odd. then i feel like well now im on the other end of stick and he is calling me but telling his new gf and friends that he doest contact me. that is what he was doing to me, contacting the ex girlfriend before me sayin who knows what.