In the aftermath of an encounter with a sociopath, it is easy to get stuck in the “why.” Why did he/she do it? Why didn’t he love me? Why did she treat me so badly? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why? Why? Why?
In healing, it’s imperative to let go of why to focus on “what.” What can I do for myself today that will ease my aching heart? What can I do to heal? What do I need to do to reclaim my soul, my spirit, my essence? What steps can I take to lead me away from the horror and pain of yesterday to embracing myself in love today? What is important to me today? What will create more of what I want in my life rather than less? What next?
I will never know why he did what he did. I will never know what he was thinking, or feeling — and that’s okay. His thoughts and feelings will not change my life. His thoughts and feelings are not important to me today.
My thoughts, my feelings count. Asking why about him keeps me from focusing on me. And I deserve to let go of him so that I can get on with loving me.
To let go and get on with loving myself so that I can live my beautiful life, I must accept that there is no hope of a better past, no future in which the past will be a perfect reflection of my life today, no moment when the past will be anything other than what it is, events that have brought me to today. Events and happenings that strengthened me, even when I felt at my weakest. Even when I believed I could not go on.
This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made “better.” It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.
In the past I was a victim of a sociopath. And now I’m free.
How I live my life in freedom is up to me. Victor or Victim. My choice.
I choose Victor.
hens
Ok Blondie Big Brother Henry is going to talk at you. First off the above post from Takingmeback is so wonderfully expressed. Thank’s TMB. Blondie Blondie Blondie…He is still driving that CAR! he is trying to keep you on the hook with promises of this and that. Trying to keep you sedated with “confusion”. He is buying himself “car assurance”….by being a nice heart- dead liar. Blondie “M” has been gone over four month’s. I have no contact. I got his car out of my name, off my insurance. It gave me such a sense of relief when I cut the “Vehicle Drama” out of the equation….Blondie I understand !!!! your pain and lonliness and missing him. I still think that “might be mike” when I hear a vehicle coming up the gravel road. My screwed up confused 53 year old gay brain think’s it “NEEDS” a mike fix….Those mike fixes would just be to dang painful to go through now that my 53 year old brain, has had to be boiled and pickled and reprogramed to realize “Blondie you are letting him use you” and you know it. You tell us that you know it..please please please get that car back or out of your name…cut all ties with him..ok I am through hope I wasn’t to HARSH!!!!!!
blondie
henry, thanks…i got my car back, so he doest have it. he has another car. we have no more ties. just thinking too much today
hens
OH I am sooo glad to hear that, sorry I jumped your bones….I have been wondering about the car drama,,, be good to blondie..
hens
It just doesn’t stop. Not only was he hooking up online, cruising around all the time, bringing guy’s to my house, I have now learned two of my good friend’s shared him with me as well…. I am such a blind idiot..what a fool I am..I deserve all this…………..
Ox Drover
Dear Henry!!!
I’m so sorry you not only were betrayed by the psychpath M but by two of your “friends” as well—what a kick in the teeth.
NO, HENRY!!! You do NOT deserve to be cheated on, lied to and betrayed by those you loved and trusted…none of us do!
But look–you found out that your “friends” weren’t your friends, and you got a NEW INURY—and when you are still raw to start with, and get another one, it is a “double whammy” and hurts all the more. (((((Henry)))))
Cut these A–h–es out of your life too, Henry! They don’t deserve you for a friend. They deserve someone like M. You didn’t lose any REAL friends, just your illusion that these jerks were your friends! Hey, you want me to get my skillet and come bonk them on the heads! They deserve that at the very least—but it wouldn’t do any good, their heads are too hard, they might break my skillet. ((((Henry))))xooxox
hens
oxy thank you i guess it tells me I need to change everything about me. I feel like if I admit I am codependent and had (any) responsibility in this nitemare. It is letting him off the hook. I have never been so decieved in my life. I guess if Hannibal Lector showed up at my door I would just hand him the salt and pepper and crawl in the oven………….
Ox Drover
Dear Henry,
Hey, Bro! I have probably earned the title “poster child (er-ah, Poster old lady)” for Co-dependent so you aren’t alone in this gig. I am just changing THAT part, not “everything” about me. 99.9% of what and who I am my entire life is AWESOME, but this one little thing screwed up the rest—I don’t need to change anything except my freaking ATTITUDE. I don’t need to fix anyone else…just this one little tineeey tiny thing about how I act, but NOT who I AM. I AM WONDERFUL! And, Henry the 8th, you are, you are TOO!
I don’t need the drama, the pain, the worry, the anxiety, the misery to have an “interesting” life. BORING is NOT BORING! Just like my friend with the crushed spine. I can’t help him, and it isn’t my responsibility to rescue him from himself. I offered HELP, he wanted ENABLING and I dont’ do that any more. I set boundaries, he crossed them…I stood up for myself, and in the end, I stood up for him as well. I love him, and I am so sad that he is screwing up his life, but he is over 21 and it is not my responsibility to be his mama. I don’t need an angry 50 year old teenager to cope with.
All I had to do was cut the crap and change my attitude about who and what I am responsible for. Now, let’s see—my kids are all over 21, nope, not responsible for them. I’m not the power of attorney for my mama, don’t wanna be, and not responsible for her either, so, you know, that ONLY LEAVES ME that I’m responsible for. Let’s see who I am responsible TO—neighbors? Nah, they don’t pay my bills. The law? Nope, I’m not violating any laws I know of. My kids? Well, they say I am but you know how dumb kids are—nah, I’m not responsible to them either—Friends? Nope, they don’t pay my bills either. So I guess that just leaves God, and as long as I am doing my best for Him, I think I’m okay there. I’m 21, free and responsible for myself and responsible to myself and my God. What else is there?
Henry, you’ve been “fooled” by some FALSE FRIENDS, and you’ve let yourself stay in a relationship you knew was bad, but I’ve done the same thing, only RINSED AND REPEATED with more Psychopaths than you have. But Henry, that is all in the PAST—you are doing your best (and that’s pretty darn good, if I do say so–proves what a cuppla clunks with a good iron skillet will do for you! LOL) and those days are behind you. Just write these jerks off and in the future keep your eyes open for people who don’t have the SAME MORAL COMPASS that you do, and AVOID them.
mysticmud
Hi guys, not sure how important God is to my recovery, guess I am more liable to believe in the power of the human mind and emotions than to credit a supreme being for the progress I have made. Acknowledging each little step of recovery should be a big help to all of us – none of us stand still emotionally, we all have good days and bad days – why not bask in the glory of each little step forward – it helps the old healing! And you know what ? After chucking him out in mid-April, I can say that of this moment I couldnt care less what he is doing, who he is with, or how much if any money he is making, and I intend to hold that thought and keep it with me when I am feeling less positive. I take full credit for how far I have come, I dont need to look to religion for that.
Its clear that some of us need that comfort and that is fine too, we can all see that we all find our own ways to cope and grow-just keep on growing forward and away from the abuser – leave him to struggle in his immature way, why care about him – this is about YOU and your healing.
mysticmud
Is there anybody out there?
Ox Drover
Hello Mystic mud, I’m here. What’ya need gal?