By Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW
One of the most confusing things people grapple with during and after a relationship with a sociopath is wondering if any of the “love” was real. It’s a total mind f—.
You think of the beginning of the relationship in which your partner was the most romantic person you ever dated — how attentive he was. (I’ll refer to male sociopaths, but they may be female as well.) He may have even been thoughtful and empathetic if you confided in him about someone or a situation troubling you in your life. He may have remembered each occasion with wonderful gifts.
You remember times being part of family and friends as a couple, even when things started to get bad. You may have felt secure and proud when he seemed to be an attentive father or generous neighbor. You think of the time last week when you both glowed and felt proud over an accomplishment of your child. You think of a time not long ago when you laughed together with friends over dinner, or, when you made up with electric sex. You have in your memory times when there seemed to be genuine caring and thoughtfulness.
What is love?
Love is not chemistry. Love is not a feeling of attachment. Love is not romantic feelings. Love is not the high feelings you experience at the beginning of a relationship when it is new and super-affirming by the good feelings you get and the best selves you’re putting forward. Love is not a “feeling” at all; it is an action. Love is the ability to first feel compassion or empathy for another, and then act to meet their need, even before your own. Think of what you would feel for a crying child. You would feel their pain, and this would move you to try to comfort the child, even if you are weary and would rather be relaxing.
Since a sociopath is lacking empathy, and, therefore, the ability to love, what was going on? This statement isn’t entirely true as a sociopath may feel compassion or empathy for something which s/he sees as an extension of themselves, e.g. a child, colleague, friend, pet, even a spouse if s/he never challenges him or needs anything from him. These things do not threaten his sense of control or the image he likes to put forth in the world. But the minute you have a need or a conflict to resolve, which is what every normal healthy intimate relationship requires, what semblance of compassion he may have will go right out the window. Protection of the way he needs to see himself, or whatever he is hiding, is his priority. Everyone and everything else is sacrificed at the altar to his in-control, blameless awesomeness.
Often what happens is that at the beginning of the relationship, when he appears to be more engaged and romantic than anyone else you’d ever been with, can be mistaken for love. Then you get addicted to the intense sexual fireworks, which will release large amounts of oxytocin, the hormone that causes attachment. So, you’ll become very attached early on, believing that he feels the same close connectedness as you. He may be very turned on and very sex-centric at first, and/or is deliberately being manipulative, knowing consciously or subconsciously that sex will attach you to him. Then, after that perception has been firmly imprinted with a particular idea about him — he’s a great, caring, sexy, smart guy — it has the power to put a veil over the red flags that follow after.
The biggest mistake
I think the biggest mistake that partners make is to think that a sociopath operates in the same way they do. Sociopaths look for partners who have a larger than average dose of the qualities that will make a good relationship work: compassion, trust, loyalty, and the ability to love — someone who will think the best of him, feel for him, and jump backwards through hoops of fire to tolerate his behavior in order to make the relationship work.
What partners don’t get is the way a sociopath’s mind works. For him, sex does not have emotional connection like it does for you. He can’t feel your pain or your wounds like you do his. He can’t respond to your need if it doesn’t correspond with his own. He trusts no one. He isn’t honest with himself and can’t be honest with you, period.
Ask yourself, how much has your sociopath been able to feel compassion/empathy for you or your needs, and respond? That tells you how much you have been loved. Realizing this is a bitter pill to swallow. Love isn’t something you show only when it’s easy, convenient or gets you something. If someone is truly loving you, there is no question in your mind about it.
kaya48,
Do you know how you can differentiate between those who sincerely care and want to understand and those who are “just making noise”?
Those who sincerely care are not going to TELL you the WAY it WAS;they’re going to LISTEN and ask questions if you feel like talking.They’ll do research so they can understand.
I’m glad I found this site. I have wondered many times how many women there are out there just like me, women who loved someone who ruined their life.
I’m glad for this site also. I read it regularly and it is the only place I’ve found that understands how these people manipulate others and especially how the justice system offers absolutely NO PROTECTION! I’ve been involved with my sociopath 15 years now (thanks to shared custody by a corrupt justice system). It has been fairly quiet lately (always scary) but I think something is about to blow since his child is now getting older and doesn’t want to see him so often (she still does though).
I would love to go to court to get custody changed but since the court was corrupt (and after 30 visits I learned to give up) I don’t trust the system, and worse, I feel if he loses custody he will resort to something drastic since his child is the only possession he has left that he cares about. My child says he is angry all the time and I worry about her, but still feel it is safer to keep status quo than to try to take his favorite toy away. Two more years and she can legally “disappear”……
That’s the scariest part of involvement with one of these evil monsters, our kids. Kids are so vulnerable and how are they supposed to protect themselves? They need us to go to bat for them and to protect them and we depend on attorneys and courts to advocate on the child’s behalf, but so often the evil one wins because the court needs evidence in order to rule on anything and the evil one knows this and really can outwit the system. I too dealt with a corrupt system, from the police to the attorneys to the courts. With a previous husband I got fair rulings from a certain woman judge, with no attorney, but with the evil one I had to fight to get any protection at all and couldn’t find an attorney to represent me. He got an attorney right off the bat, more money I guess. I finally did get an attorney but laws weren’t in place to assure my protection so I left the area and can only hope police/lawyers/courts here can intervene on my behalf if he comes after me. But through it all, it’s not me I’m worried about, it’s the kids. Laws are still better than they were 20 years ago, but we still have a long way to go. In the minds of the evil ones, us and the children are only property just like two hundred years ago.
I know, I feel I let my child down because I could not protect her from years of shared custody with this monster but I finally ran out of funds and am now for the first time in my life on food stamps. 🙁
I had one good judge in my county that has been wonderful about granting my protective orders every two years (spath fights them but I still get them) but in the county the divorce happened they would not even give me a P.O.!
He has some mental illness along with the sociopathy (he is also quite paranoid and thinks everyone is out to get him) so if he doesn’t like the court rules, he won’t abide by them anyway. So if he loses her, I am sure he will come for us. So we are trying to bide our time since he has not been physically abusive towards her and soon she will have a job and won’t be able to visit as often anyway, and since that is not a rejection of him, I feel he will handle it better than if she goes to court and says she doesn’t want to see him. He gets quite violent at rejection and there is nowhere for us to hide right now……
You are so right about the courts, stillinshock. I have had to use every trick in my book to protect my youngest from my ex. I have been able to prevent him from visitation (spath has a compulsive porn habit–will NOT allow my son near that!) through sheer willpower. My son is now 17, so my days of worry are numbered…at least that worry!
Re: the courts. My ex took me to court to have his child support reduced–because I told his client that he had embezzled from her, and she fired him! And the judge did reduce it! Unbelievable. Though I will say, I do think the judge’s sympathy was mainly with me. I may appeal it, but not sure. It’s hard to keep fighting, right??
It is hard to keep fighting. You get worn out. You have to make it a point to document though. Courts can’t do anything with no evidence. Maybe you can infiltrate the porn site and catch him that way, like one of those x-rated dating sites, and record him on it. Could come back to bite you though as his attorney could ask why YOU were on there. Hard one. Almost need to be a detective or police officer to deal with these jerks. The porn is worrisome though as your son could think it’s acceptable behavior. Dangerous people on those sites. Predators.
Can you imagine I have to deal with a divorce from a sociopath who is a police officer. It makes everything triple worse. I protected my son also from my husbands porn addiction. After my 17 year old son saw his so called “father” exchanging nude photos with a female deputy so young she could be his daughter, he lost all respect for him. He definetely does not accept this behavior, I am so glad this evil person/monster is out of our life. I am on day 82 no contact with divorce proceedings in progress. I am so proud of myself for taking this huge step. My son will be a better person, husband and father than he ever was. Because to us he is nothing. Never existed and never will be of any worth.
I imagine that dealing with a police officer spath is similar to my situation of dealing with a spath that is part of the legal community here. Even my application to “legal aid” here was turned down. “They” said because my case was too complex. The translation: “he is part of the legal community so we won’t touch that with a 10 foot pole”. All my money was gone. Spent by him on his kids and himself. For 3 of the 5 years we were married, he had no job. I found out later that he had been hiding money from me all along. During this time my health continued to decline to the point that I had to quit work, and apply for disability. Anyway, for the divorce, I ended up with a friend of a friend, pro bono lawyer, that did absolutely nothing.
Interesting that my spath was addicted to porn too. Is this typical? What is the psychology of that?
Mine had his child support reduced 3 times. It went from $400 per month now to $150 and he still does not pay. He saves every receipt he buys something for her to prove he is “paying” for her but she doesn’t need expensive boots, she needs food and school supplies…..
It is difficult to keep fighting especially when you feel you are fighting the justice system as well as your sociopath. Plus, it is insane to keep expecting different results from the same behaviors so I have finally given up on getting anywhere in court. I am trying to figure other ways to keep her safe until she can finally get away….
Hey, what if the spath was Not attentive at the beginning but was more distant? He has all the makings of the spath but the beginning fireworks were not there? Was it that he knew I did not require that so he chose different tactics???? Just wondering
You don’t have to fireworks and with mine….he has always been somewhat emotionally distant. He has sociopathy along with something else. He was only diagnosed with the sociopathic tendencies but the doctor said he had another underlying disorder but would need to see him more to diagnose it and ex-spath quit going.
I definitely saw what LOOKED like caring and compassion for my ex’s children and grandchildren. Turned out he was only talking about it, on facebook, to other people, bragging how wonderful they are so that people would be impressed. Truth was, he didn’t even go to the hospital with his daughter’s son’s birth and then posted in the middle of the night about his name and weight all like he was there when he really wasn’t. I was there but I could see the hurt in the kids eyes that he again, was letting them down. It was over and over this way. They would call and he was say, “Yeah what do you need”? And they would talk a few minutes and he was say, “Is that all”? They rarely called and later I knew why, didn’t even call him on Father’s Day or his birthday and I always thought that was strange. When they would visit, he hardly interracted with them at all. On facebook you would think he was father and grandfather of the year.
Karen,
No–you don’t need complete fireworks. Mine was emotionally distant, as well. But he did move in on me quickly (HUGE red flag) and verbalize things he knew were important to me: wanting family, a home, etc. Sadly, my background as the child of at least one narcissist (and the other parent at least self-involved and depressed) left me with very low expectations. So my ex–who was withholding by nature–found the perfect patsy. I made few demands. I’m sure he was thrilled to find such a self-sacrificing partner. At least at first! But I grew over the years and gradually figured out that I did not have to subjugate my needs to others. Plus, I started to see cracks in his armor. Needless to say, that’s when things went south. And now I’m trying to pick the pieces up after almost 30 years! Ugh. Glad I got out, but unfortunately it’s hard to get completely shed of these vipers.
It’s unbelievable how these stories are so much the same.I know it will be very difficult to fight him in court. I have no other choice. Nobody like that stays married to me. The day he left after I exposed his affair, he left his wedding ring on the counter and told me he did not love me anymore. This is how I was discarded after over 20 years. But the worst that happened is that he continued telling our only son that he had no choice but leaving, because I am a crazy psycho bitch. My son is so smart though and knows his true person and decided he wants nothing to do with his “father”. That was almost 8 months ago. I know there will never be an apology or an explanation and I accept this. My 18 year old son and I will move on, we cut off all contact and we enjoy our peace and freedom. Just a few days ago my son told me that out life is so much better without him and that he is truly happy now. Right then I knew filing for divorce was the best decision I ever made. 🙂
I wonder if life is sweeter now because you are free of the psychodrama? I know I appreciate that part, but can’t get over the regret of the wasted years and damage to my kids. I keep working on them, trying to make it all better, but know our relationship would be better, we’d all be healthier, and that we’d have more money than if I’d never met him. But, like another poster said, I had no self-esteem from being raised to think I was unimportant at best, and maybe I was just psychobait and no matter what would have wound up with a sociopath. I’ve had plenty in my life but wasn’t pretty enough to be focused on by any but the pedophile psychopath who was after my daughters all along and just used me and my low self-esteem to get to them. Hopefully in another year I’ll be put back together. I’ll keep working on it.
It would be interesting to find out now long recovery takes for different people. I suppose it has a lot to do with support network, if involved in counseling, if work is good, etc.
I have been abused by a sociopath 11 years..he left me for a woman who was my friend and a narcassist or socipath as well.-..-.just hav one question…it says they usually look for victims like myself who are loving, giving etc…how is it possible my ex chose a woman like himself??? Isn’t this unusual and does it last??
My soon to be Ex also chose a woman/girl like himself, a narcissistic person. I found that very interesting. She is just the opposite from me, loud, selfish, cold and manipulative. I would think they would chose a compassionate person. I am sorry to read your story. 11 years is along time, mine was almost 20. My counselor told me not to waste any time thinking or judging the new/other woman. It was my husbands responsibility to keep his commitment and morales but he chose not to . So the blame belongs 99 percent to the cheating spouse. After 8 months now I am at a pretty good place and verb though I will never forgive in my heart I don’t think about him/them anymore . After all they are guilty and they must live with that burden. Not that it would bother them in any way but he is the one who lost his beautiful, smart, loving son.
mine actually told me after that she was bd and he was unhappy..but after 2 years now I still am so sad and try to find WHY he did this to me..
bella65,
The reason he did it is because he is disordered.He cheated on you.He abused you even before that.So his being unhappy is HIS problem!It’s not your fault.Look in the mirror and repeat those words everyday until you BELIEVE them!
Start doing the things in life that bring you joy.They don’t have to be things that cost alot of money.Wear makeup.Do something different with your hair.Polish your nails.Buy yourself some flowers.Listen to music you love.Walk.Watch the sunset.These are things we couldn’t do as abused women.
Bella, imagine a life where your sex drive and drive for power are completely cut off from your heart. So when you get bored, impatient, or lose control over your love object, it’s easy to just discard them and move on to the next shiny object. These people are not comfortable in their own bodies – they are constantly bored and seeking excitement. They have no sense of self. They are very disconnected, even from themselves. So what they say and do may seem sincere at the time. But they are not grounded, so what they say is not reliable. What they do is not predictable. This is probably the best explanation I can offer for “why he did this to you.” The biggest thing you should know is that it’s not personal. It really has NOTHING to do with you. It’s just what they do. They will do it with the next love interest, too. They are not capable of deep, sustaining love, as you are.
stargazer. this makes complete sense. Hubby just seems to be a shell. He copies what others’ say even people on the radio. He quotes people like they are his own words. he fakes kind words to his daughter and acts eerily happy when I see him (we are divorcing) It’s so creepy.
I don’t know what kind of person the spath that ruined me & my daughter’s lives ended up with, but based on what I’ve seen other really, really selfish awful men choose for a partner, if they do choose someone like them, the relationship does last because they have respect for cold, selfish, manipulative, money-hungry women. They understand that. Also, there’s the psychology of trying to get what you can’t, in that some men prefer a challenge and trying to get an emotionally cold woman to love them is a challenge they will subjugate themselves to for a long, long time. A happy, loving, giving relationship is out of their understanding. They only understand ruthlessness and control. How does that saying go, “you get back what you put out there”? All the men I’ve been involved with are to some degree cold and selfish if not outright sociopathic (I am one of those nurturing, responsible, loving mother types) and all of these men have lost their children. Kids usually have no respect for a man who disrespects their mother and women in general. These men will spend their later years alone because no one trusts them, or they will spend their later years watching the bank accounts and their back because of the sociopath woman they wound up with.
My ex actually confided in me even when his new woman moved in ..he told me hpow she was his punishment and was given to him to shpw him hell–he praised me and foul mouthed her…one year this went on behind her back…until I confronted him…then he dissapeared..,,he just used me to buy time with her..tp see if it will work out…when he had no where to go he went NC,,,,this hurt me even more han before….I am starting to live again but his image is imprinted in my soul….he promised me heaven as she moved into his house….lies and more lies towards me and her…do they even know how to be honest?
Nolongersilent,
Yes–the open is pretty much a given. They are selfish users–and unable, of course, to sustain a real relationship.
the worst part is everyone believes they are wonderful.. so therefore something is wrong with you… really?????
Exactly. I just wanted to be loved and have a normal life for my kids and I.